I.

His internal alarm literally went off on the day Kevin casually sat his butt down next to him on the sofa and sighed out loud.

People tend to overlook him, especially when surrounded by his four band mates. It used to bother him; back when they were still young blood in this business and fame was something even he couldn’t escape from. There was just something seriously disheartening to realise that the height of your popularity was measured by the decibel of young girls’ screams when each name was announced. ‘Backstreet Boys’ received the loudest and his name, the lowest.

He used to question what that meant. If there was something he lacked.

But he knew better now. 

It was a gift really, to be the one most tend not to notice. He was a simple guy with really simple needs, so it didn’t really matter. He knew he has fans (more than ten, unlike Nick claimed – he was joking by the way, ruffling up his feathers the only way Nick knew how), knew they appreciated him being in the group, knew he wasn’t just the back up singer Backstreet Boys didn’t really need.

He knew nice guys always finish last.

He didn’t mind at all.

What bothered him now, that got his internal alarm going off like a building on fire, was when Kevin sighed out loud; because call it a gift or a freak of nature, but he could tell, just from that sigh, that the jig was up.

II.

It was like missing a leg. It kept everything unbalanced. Always teetering on the edge, threatening to come undone at any given moment. But they pulled through, so far.

There were crutches available to help even out the uneven. Smooth down the rough patches. Balanced the unbalanced. Sometimes, when it got really tough, they seek out a wheelchair, fast wheels to keep them going, oil it well so it won’t get rusty. But it would never be the same again, would it?

No it won’t.

But they made do.

And he was still him. Silent yet resilient. Always watching for the hairline cracks and quietly plastering them back together before it got worst. Sometimes he thought he couldn’t do it, wondered how the heck Kevin had managed to do it for the last fourteen years.

But he was happy to do it anyway. Because it meant they still needed him. And that was enough for him to hold on to, to sleep at night.

III.

Sometimes it crept up behind them unnoticed, and when they were all too preoccupied, it would jump and showed its fangs. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 and it sure as hell did not take time to say hello. It attacked unawares, and once it hit them, the stretch of emptiness felt never-ending.

Like today, it happened during lunch. And Nick had volunteered to visit the drive-thru for everyone else.

Everyone (all three of them) was grateful. It had been a long ass day in the studio and no one felt like getting up (apparently the carpeted floor, along with four Backstreet Boys lying down on their backs, singing, makes for a very good vocal training session) and here cometh their knight in crumpled t-shirt and equally crumpled khakis and blue converse shoes armour announcing he’d go grab lunch and to place order within the next five minutes and yes, it’s Mc Donald’s today, take it or leave it and how could anyone, including his health conscious self, resist?

He should have noticed something wasn’t quite right when Nick had said he felt like taking a quick ride.

Nick and a quick ride was never a good thing.

Nick and a quick ride meant that something was on his mind and he needed to shake it off.

But he was too tired, his guards were down, because they were in the studio and they were actually having fun. So he didn’t notice.

This morning I woke up and I said to myself, “Self,” said I. “Today is going to be a fine day. A good day. An awesome day. An exciting day. A day where I’ll feel like I can accomplish anything and everything!”

And then my morning self met my afternoon, and it said, “Don’t be too sure.”

IV.

Because Kevin said something like this will happen. And that it would be nobody’s fault.

There were five brown Mc Donald’s paper bags and only four of them.

V.

AJ, still slow on the uptake, had asked out loud, while rummaging through each paper bag to see which one held his quarter pound cheese burger, large coke, large fries and hot fudge.

“Dude, did you buy Mr. Lee a set meal too?” Mr. Lee being the quiet, kind old man also known as the janitor. The only other person besides them, who was around that day.

But AJ was too preoccupied to notice that slight shift in Nick’s eyes. Wouldn’t bat an eyelash and suspect that the young one had lied through his teeth. But he knew Brian saw it, because now Howie was sharing a look with the other blonde and knew that the worry he saw there reflected his very own.

“Yeah, thought he might like it,” Nick shrugged.

Mr. Lee’s lunch consisted of a double fillet-o-fish burger, regular fries (no salt), large ice-tea and an apple pie.

And it didn’t go unnoticed to Howie, because when you had been the guy who was constantly at the back, the one who critics liked to deem as the most expendable, nothing escapes you, and you see the whole picture.

Mr. Lee’s lunch looked suspiciously like Kevin’s favourite McD’s combo.

VI.

He had noticed the subtle changes. It had been going on for months now.

There was the longer than usual silence during group meetings. When the four of them were out of ideas and yet Kevin still kept his thoughts to himself. His eyes constantly questioning; pushing for them to make the first move, to suggest something. A start to a solution.

Then there were the Soundchecks. Parked himself on the bench, joint at the hips, him and the piano. He’d sit and just listen, watching them as they worked the crowd of lucky fans. Watched as the four, standing in front of their mic stands, sang to Incomplete until it came to a point, to a particular Soundcheck he couldn’t even quite remember where now, but it had came to that point, when while still singing, Howie had felt that first jolt of pain in his chest, that fear of knowing, by just a quick glance at Kevin and his piano, that the oldest Backstreet Boy was happy with what he saw. Knew for a certain that the four of them would be all right without him in the picture.

There were glimpses of stolen conversations between Kevin and the other three, when he had been nearby and had paid attention. The soft whispers of ‘You gotta remember these things AJ, because I won’t always be there to remind you’, the ‘you’re all grown up now, you don’t need me little man’, the ‘I gotta stop kidnapping your son and have my own kid’, all of which only managed to put another bucket full of fear in him.

And then Kevin started booking himself into different hotels altogether; away from them.

“The missus is coming tonight and I can really use some fan free zone for a day.”

But Howie had quite fancied himself as someone who could see right through a lie. And it doesn’t matter if your name is Kevin Scott Richardson; Howie could see right through you too.

I need to be entirely out of the picture for a day and see if you guys can handle it on your own.

VII.

Kevin’s sigh was heavy. It held the weight of the world. It was the kind of sigh that had a pause, an introduction to something bigger, a beginning to an impending conversation, and Howie felt the gloom before he saw the patch of black of sky hovering over them.

“What would you feel if I leave the group after this tour ends?”

And Howie didn’t think his opinion would matter, because Howie had managed to hear what was left unspoken. He understood.

“I feel that it is something you’ve given a lot of thought into.”

VIII.

Howie had six more months to process that question before Kevin finally called for that unforgettable group meeting. Funny though, it was the first group meeting that they all knew the outcome to, even before they stepped into the room.