I.

If death had wanted you, you’d be dead when you were 4.

Do you remember almost drowning at the kiddie’s pool? You told me it was your first trip too and they didn’t even bother with a float.

You were drowning fast in the midst of all the kids screaming and laughing at each other and no one noticed.

And your first thought was, wow, I’m drowning.

You said it felt like being in a washing machine, even though you’d never been trapped in one.

Your second thought was, I need to undrown myself.

You did.

And your parents didn’t take you seriously when you told them you almost drowned because you were four with a wild imagination and what kid actually undrowned himself?

You said you weren’t sure what to feel then but now, now thinking back, you said you were mad at them for not believing you. You could have drowned and died and you got a pat on the head for the effort of not dying instead.

I said, I believe you baby, and you smiled at me and said thanks.

II.

If death wanted to claim you, you’d be dead when you were 6.

You had been to that mall countless times, but it was never the same when you were alone, was it? You panicked when you realised you were no longer holding on to your dad’s hand. You couldn’t see your mom and there were no signs of BJ anywhere.

You didn’t cry. You retraced your steps back, making your way through the sea of legs and found yourself right outside the mall.

You were lost then. That was as far as you could go.

You told me a man took your hand and said, ‘follow me kid’ and you did.

You were five and you didn’t know any better.

The man led you back to the front steps of your house and told you to wait for mom and dad and you nodded your head and waited.

You couldn’t remember his face, you said. You didn’t think you even looked up to see, just took his hand and followed.

He could be a murderer for all I know, you told me while shaking your head at the memory.

Your parents came back home distraught but you heard your mom gasped, saw her running towards you and grabbed you in a vice grip hug and kept telling you not to ever do that again.

I told you perhaps it was an angel looking over you and you smiled and said, I’d like to think that.

III.

If death had loved you more than anyone else, you’d be dead aged 8.

You told me you woke up to a dark house and no one was around. You called out for your daddy because the last thing you remembered was sitting next to him and watching the telly with your sisters.

So you dragged a chair to the window and climbed on it. You said the window was rather old and the latch wasn’t really working. You remembered it was the fifth floor, a temporary apartment your parents had rented. You looked out the window, searching for dad and your sisters (you knew mom was at work).

You said when you were older, you had heard horrifying stories of kids falling off to their deaths because parents left them at home alone and windows were faulty or without safety grills installed and it often left you shuddering, thinking of what could have been.

I told you I’m glad Superman wasn’t your childhood hero. You said Ninja Turtles always had the coolest gadgets.

IV.

If death had marked you, you’d be dead at 14.

It was a simple task, you said. You were supposed to run to the small provision store and get a sack of rice. BJ wanted to tag along and you said okay.

It was a huge sack of rice. At least it felt that way when you were still fourteen. BJ offered to take turns to carry it but you said no.

There was only a single road you needed to cross to make your way back home. It was a huge road but you’ve crossed it a lot of times, used it on your way back from school and crossed it on your way to school every morning.

There was a car driving by, so you waited, called out to BJ to hold on.

Once the car passed by, you made a step forward. You said you always did that, always make the first step and BJ would follow right behind.

You said it happened too fast you weren’t sure what happened. You felt something hit you on the back, like a sideswipe, and BJ screaming your name and pulling you back. You struggled to balance yourself and the sack of rice in your hands because you knew you shouldn’t drop it or there’d be no rice to cook for everyone at home.

There was a motorcyclist right behind the car, tailgating. You didn’t see it even though you were sure the road was clear. The rear view mirror of the vehicle had hit you on the back and you barely registered the pain.

You told me your ribs hurt like hell for a week. Neither of you told your parents because by that age, you knew you shouldn’t have bothered. But the fact that you were so close to being run down did bother you, a lot.

I told you that I was glad you told me about it and that you were okay. You said you felt the same way.

IV.

If death had wanted you so bad, you’d be dead at your 22nd birthday.

None of us were there, we were on hiatus, remember? You told us this story during our lunch break in the recording studio, before Never Gone was even born. There was this odd yet comfortable silence around us and you had uttered a single ‘huh’ and everyone looked up from their lunch at you.

AJ asked you first, if that huh was significant in any way. You had smirked and nodded your head and said nothing.

Howie asked if you were planning to share your significant huh with the rest of us.

You shrugged and asked us if we wanted to.

Brian said of course, he always loved your story telling, you’re always animated.

You told us we all came very close to being a quartet for this album. I asked if you had planned to quit the group. You shook your head so violently I thought you were having seizures! You said no, it never crossed your mind. I remember sighing in relief because I couldn’t imagine coming back to this group with one brother short. I guess I have no place to talk about that one now huh?

You said you were in Tokyo when an earthquake happened. You were sightseeing and were trapped in a restaurant. The building next to yours collapsed to the ground, but you suffered a gash on your head and a concussion to nurse.

You said you had a phone in your hands but there was no one to call.

I said I wish you had called me. You said you wished you did.

V.

It’s a small cut on your arm. You probably didn’t even realised it was there. You had felt worst pains in your life, hadn’t you? This was nothing, right?

The doctors said the cut was infected, and whatever object that had made that cut in the first place, was rusty.

Brian said you had been looking pale and tired lately but touring always do that to you.

AJ said you collapsed in the middle of meet and greet. You always know how to make a grand exit.

Howie said the poison had spread to your blood and one of your lungs had stopped functioning. Latest news was, the poison was on its way to your kidney.

I wished I had been there.

Things are looking good right now baby. They’ve started dialysis to clean your blood and who needs two lungs when you’re good to go with just one right? They said they had to cut out a third of your kidney that was infected but you still have two thirds of it to survive on. They said you’ll need to take a lot of medications and your diet’s going to change a little (I know McD’s is going to be a bitch to look at) but the important thing is, you’ll live.

All we need from you right now is to wake up okay? Don’t give in to the darkness. I know it’s kind of confusing right now, but we’re here. If you could just…if you could…hear my voice…just follow my voice…and maybe…maybe find your way back home?

If death is here, tell him that he couldn't love you enough to take you away.