1.

I sit here in the comfort of my studio, looking through old photographs of us together, floating with the past, memories of once upon a time and back in the day, because as far as being a Backstreet Boy is concerned, all I have now is the past.

Today, the Backstreet Boys’ seventh studio album is released. I pre-ordered mine like many other faithful fans a month ago. I woke up this morning and found the trademark Amazon.com package sitting on the dining table along with my steaming cup of black coffee, French toast and the papers. It was very strange, being on the other side of the fence now. I didn’t ask for listening privileges from any of the guys, never heard one single song that they had recorded and lined for consideration for the album. They did offer though, even asked for my opinion on certain technical aspects of the songs, but I always gently reminded them that I was no longer a part of that process, that I don’t have the right to, even though I was grateful that they still considered me a part of that phenomenon.

Funny. This is what I asked and I went through with it and I left. Yet I couldn’t help the pain that was growing in my chest as the songs floated around this room and I continue to flip through pages of our lives together.

2.

We were in a bad place; I’ll admit that much.

Back then, we didn’t realise this, but it was the situation we kept putting ourselves into that was the culprit. We were tired, worn out and screwed. This business, sometimes I swear it wasn’t cut for the honest. Someone is always stabbing someone else and if you’re determined to stick to the straight path, you’ll have to go through all kinds of sharks just to make it to the top; no short cuts here.

I remember there were hardly any group dinners together anymore. We hardly even communicate backstage in between costume changes. We talked yes, but we hardly listened. It was the casual ‘dude, pass me that bottle?’ and the random ‘you’re stepping on my jacket dawg’. But up there on stage? We looked like a million bucks and everything was all right with the world.

3.

I remember we had an argument earlier that day. We had a lot of those during the period that this picture was taken. I can’t even tell you what the argument was about, I’m sure it was petty though, everything sounds petty when I think about it now.

I told you we were in a bad place then. I was always angry. I was 30 years old and I was getting no respect from those men in suits, thinking they could play me in their hands because I was a Backstreet Boy.

Then there was AJ always just begging for a fight. Looking back, it could be his cries for help, for me to stop what I was doing and really take a look at him and listen to the things he wasn’t saying, but I’m not perfect, so his cries was left unheard.

And I know this is wrong of me, but I got royally pissed at my cousin and his ‘when I’m on my break, I’m not a Backstreet Boy and should be left alone to be with my wife’ phase. I realise now, I was just envious of his situation. What I wouldn’t give to have my wife with me 24/7.

Howie had turned more into a co-worker than a friend. He surrounded himself with his family members, always having a brother or a sister out on the road with him, it was the only way to keep himself from going insane perhaps.

Nick was beginning to crave for a life, looking for an identity and always searching for something. I couldn’t really put where he was in life back then, he kept changing like a chameleon even though it was AJ who kept changing hair colour. He never cried out for help though, it was the opposite for Nick I think, he was sending signals so bright for everyone to just let him go. Severed all ties that bind and just go out. Live. I think now he knew, what he was doing back then was just running away.

4.

We weren’t even talking at that point. It became a habit for me to bring some form of reading material wherever we go, hide behind pages of meaningless articles as my mind drifted away. It came to a point where none of us really mind the silence that stifled around us.

Nigel, the photographer, came to introduce himself while we were picking out our wardrobe. He was tall, tanned, sandy beach blonde hair, arched eyebrows and very green eyes. He wore very tight jeans and a white wife beater and the first thing he did was to go straight to Nick, who was halfway buttoning his shirt, took his hand and said, “I might say some very gay stuff during the photoshoot but that’s only because I’m gay and I think you’re hot, but I want to know if that’s going to be a problem for you because I really love my job and I intend to keep it without being slapped with a lawsuit.”

The room went silent and Nick managed a croaked, “Um, no?”

Satisfied, Nigel informed everyone that we were starting in fifteen minutes and left the room.

Something shifted in the room then, it was so solid that I could almost see it. We looked at each other and started laughing; laughing to a point where I felt tears on my face and had to redo my make up.

The photoshoot went awesomely well. Nigel told us just to have fun with it and if he had told us that he wanted fun from the shoot earlier that day, I didn’t think we could have delivered, but right then, fun was easy, fun came naturally. We felt like boys again, well, I remember feeling very young and almost light while we were doing it then, I have a feeling the guys felt the same way.

We wrestled and tossed each other every other way. Nick even went barefoot because AJ dared him to (I bet Nigel has foot fetish Nick! I’d give you a hundred just to test this theory out). Brian dared AJ to do some provocative poses just to see if AJ was Nigel’s type (no dude who finds Nick attractive is allowed to find me attractive, what an insult!). It felt great, because even Howie looked like he was having fun hanging around with us that day, there was no holding back and hiding behind a family member because we are family too, we just forget that sometimes and took each other for granted.

5.

The best part was the ride back to the hotel.

We were talking and joking and laughing. I couldn’t even remember what we talked about now, but there was not a second of silence throughout the half an hour ride. I remember we sang at the top of our lungs and broke into fits of giggles halfway through it. Walls broke down for a while and we allowed them.

Of course that didn’t have a happily ever after ending. We all know what ended up happening during that period of time. It was always dark, but we had our moments of brightness too, it was never just totally and blindingly dark. Thank God.

But I slept easy that night; I remember that.

6.

The boys are having an album launch party right now. I was invited but I called them up and told them I couldn’t come. Today is their day, their album, their new beginning.

We promised to do lunch once their schedule settled down a little. For now, I’m just happy to be where I am. In the middle of our past (I still can’t believe Nick let me step on his back and have it stilled forever in this picture!) while surrounded by the sound of the new Backstreet Boys.

I picked up the CD sleeve and browsed through.

Some things just never change though. Typical Backstreet Boys, would it kill them to print out the lyrics?