As I sat down across from him, I studied the face of the man I know so well. He didn’t notice though, his mind seemed to be occupied with other things. Suddenly he looked at me and smiled.
“Hi honey.”
“Hey sweetheart.”
I could feel a big smile dance on my face as I leaned forward to kiss my husband. When our lips touched, I felt the familiair spark that has always been there, ever since we kissed for the first time. I allowed myself to think back to those early days. Before I got a chance to really get lost in those memories, he broke me out of thought.
“Do you remember the last time we threw a barbecue?”
I nodded and let my own memory go back to that day, while he continued.
“It was extremely hot for the time of year, remember? Everyone was there. The guys, Kristin, Leigh. A.J. and Nick even brought their dogs.” he smiled.
I decided to keep quiet and let him do the talking. Every now and then I nodded, to let him know he still had my attention. I enjoyed the sound of his voice. He doesn’t talk much nowadays, so I silently prayed he would keep on reminiscing. Luckily for me, he did.
“I remember Nick was being his clumsy self again. He was jumping on the trampoline, then fell off and landed on his head.” He laughed. “That was such a fun day. We should really do it again soon.”
I nodded as I blinked the tears away. It really had been a memorable day. Brian continued before I had a chance to let my mind wonder off to the old days again.
“Baylee had just learned to do a complete.. what’s it called.. a.. a somersault. He was so proud of himself and then Nick and A.J. did somersaults with him all afternoon. I think we have it on tape somewhere.. Yeah, that was such a wonderful day. I should call Nick and ask him over like, next week or so.”
“Yeah honey, you should.” I replied, silently wishing he would, knowing he wouldn’t.
He nodded as he slightly turned his head and looked out the window.
By then, I knew I had lost him again. Normally, he would have called Nick immediately. Sadly, ‘normally’ had faded long ago.
A soft knock on the door made Brian again turn his head in my direction. This time, his face was blank. There was no facial expression whatsoever, it was almost like he was wearing a mask.
“Mr. Littrell, it’s almost bedtime.”
I turned my head to see which nurse would be taking care of my husband tonight. Thankfully it was Lily, a young nurse that was passionate about her profession. She treated each of her patients with the respect they deserved. I smiled at her and she returned it as she walked up to me.
“He was pretty talkative earlier, Lily. But it seems like I’ve lost all contact for today now.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She said as she put her hand on my shoulder for a second.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s just the Alz- disease taking over.” I replied as I tried to keep myself from crying.
“Who are you?!” he suddenly barked at me. “Get out of my house!!”
They say you get used to everything, but I can tell you, you never get used to this. You never get used to your own husband not recognizing you or yelling at you to get out.
I choose to ignore his yelling, knowing reacting was useless. In maybe five minutes, he wouldn’t even remember screaming at me.
“Lily, would you be a dear and help me up? I think it’s time for me to go home.”
She helped me to get up and walked me to the door. She said she was sorry and then told me my husband had asked for me earlier that day. He said he missed me. That was a small comfort. It meant that he still remembers me at times. The number of times he doesn’t know who I am keeps growing though. His mind is erasing memories slowly. For example, that barbecue he mentioned, took place about 25 years ago. And obviously, it wasn’t the last one we had over at our place.
Not only does Brian have a hard time recognizing me at times, some people he doesn’t even recognize at all anymore. And I’m not talking about long lost friends or people he has only met a couple of times. He seems to have forgotten who Alex is, for God’s sake. Excuse my language. One of the men he used to call his brother. Obviously, Alex was upset, something I can’t blame him for. He keeps wondering if there’s any specific reason why Brian can’t remember him, even though he knows it’s because of the disease. Alzheimer doesn’t make any exceptions.
I mean, Brian even has a hard time recognizing Baylee. His own son, for crying out loud. He knows that he HAS a son, but in his mind, he still is a child, a very young child. He can’t grasp the fact that his son now his children of his own. We have given up on explaining everything though. Baylee still visits him, but when Brian asks who he is, he’ll just tell him he’s an old friend. Normally that won’t raise questions. His father just seems to accept that explanation.
What he doesn’t accept, is why Kevin won’t visit him anymore. Every few days he asks the nurses or me why Kevin hasn’t called or visited. And every single time we have to tell him that his cousin is no longer among us. That he died a long time ago. Seven years now, to be precise. And every time we ‘remind’ Brian, he gets as upset as when he just heard his cousin died of a heart attack. It’s heartbreaking.
This whole situation is heartbreaking actually. Sometimes I wish it was the other way around. But then I see him struggle with the situation. I know sometimes he realises what is going on. That he’s no longer the old Brian and it’s slowly tearing him up inside. We’re both hurting, yet in different ways.
You know, when you get married, you vow to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health. But never in a million years, you think something like this will happen to you or your spouse. I mean, I still love Brian to death and I have no regrets whatsoever.. But this just isn’t what I expected when I said my vows. I didn’t expect to spent our days seperated. I didn’t expect I would pay him daily visits, even though it gets harder every single day.
Every visit, I dread those three simple words that tear me up inside, because I never know which memory he will bring up.. Those three words haunt me at night, break my heart and yet I long to hear them. Only when he speaks these words, I get to see the man I once married. Only when he says,
"Do you remember?"
Author's Chapter Notes:
Alright, I found it pretty difficult to write this one.. Certainly not my best story, but still.. Enjoy and please leave a review!
