“You’re coming right?”
“Of course I’m coming but… I’ll be a little bit late. I need to finish up some things here and then I’ll rush over.”
“Its okay dude, just take your time. I’ve called Jay and he’s on the way here.”
“Good then… what about Bri? Is he there?”
“Since yesterday.”
“You mean he didn’t go back at all?”
“No. He decided to stay behind last night right after you left. I’ve even forced him to go home and rest but he refused. He insisted to be here… you know, just like the time when we were here for him during his surgery remember?” I smiled.
Brian’s heart surgery happened donkey years ago but each time anyone of us mentioned about it, an image of the four of us waiting anxiously outside the operation theatre was so clear. How Nick, being the closest was the most stressful of all. Of course, it was one of those incidents that will remain noted in my journal frame of mind.
“What about you?” I asked.
“Me? As always, I’m feeling rotten right now.”
“Hey, you sure you’re alright? You need to get some rest, get a few hours of sleep or something?” Right, I muttered as I rolled my eyes at my own reflection from the wall mirror. A reflected image of me having swelling eyebags proved just how much I missed my sleep and last night was like any other nights where I did not sleep at all. Not that I did not try but the thought of losing one of my brothers kept haunting me at the back of my head and so it automatically generated one kind of restlessness throughout the entire night.
In fact, ever since that nasty accident none of us had a decent night sleep. Even though everyone has been putting up a brave front for one another and giving encouragement for each other to keep on surviving especially in this crucial period of time, deep inside I knew the ordeal had slowly eaten up and drained most of our inner strength away.
“D? D?” Huh?
“Huh?”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah I’m fine… what’s wrong?”
“I said I’m going to put down the phone. Are you alright?” Alright? Seeing how still he was on that metallic bed yesterday, nothing could be alright. Nothing at all.
"Sure! I need to go too… I’ll see you guys later, you take care! Anything just give me a call!”
“I will dude! You take care too… see you!” Though we both had bid goodbye, yet we refused to hang up. I wanted to talk more, so was Kevin. We both wanted to continue talking, touching on other things and just for the purpose of keeping each other occupied but at the same time, we did not deny that no other topics could ease us or make us felt better than to deal with what was displayed right in front of us.
Finally, I braved myself and pressed the red button before slipping it into my jeans pocket. I walked back to the living room and sunk deeper on the couch. It has been four days since our little brother slipped into coma and I remembered the first time I watched him lying on the bed being half-dead almost killed me instantly. The way he laid there motionlessly as if he was inviting death to pick him up without showing any sign of fighting for his life tortured us all. As much as we hated how sometimes he played his stupid pranks on us, believed it or not, in that split second everyone desperately wishing for one same thing. That the nightmare will soon be over and he will spring up from the bed playing those pranks on us again.
I guessed we were so used of seeing him jumping around like monkeys, stepping the back of our shoes, hooking umbrellas at the back of our shirts to gain our attention and when those attempts failed, his finale would be picking his nose just for the sake of annoying us whenever we refused to acknowledge his so-called funny acts.
The moment Kevin opened up his mouth and started yelling at him to stop, he looked up with a wide satisfying smile as if he was so proud of himself for the accomplished mission to irritate the big man. Not many of us in the Backstreet camp had Nick’s guts in disturbing Kevin, definitely not when you knew Kevin had the power to hold you up for a good hour or so saved for all of his lectures and watching him getting tongue-lashing served as a sheer entertainment for us. For that, I had to give the little man some credits.
Things began to get out of hands when Nick had no problem at all in having Brian as his crime partner. Not sure when and how it happened but when the two of them teamed up, you had better be on your feet. There were danger signs everywhere at every corner of the house, the bus and even at the recording studio. Unless if you had a third eye or else no matter how much you tried to stay alert, you will never be able to escape from the Frick and Frack’s clutches. Perhaps because of that insanity, AJ finally gave up in hiding and running away from them.
The day AJ joined their ally was the day when I thought Backstreet camp was going through a new revolution. The word safe was no longer in our daily context. Though Jay and I were almost of the same age yet sometimes it tickled me in questioning the level of his mentality when he decided to play such pranks on others. Afterall, it amazed me to see how the relationship between him and Nick developed from being archenemies to close brothers. How they used to fight a lot from serious matters to something less trivia such as usage of plates, mugs and especially when one of them lost in games. Though that did not happen on a frequent basis, yet when it happened Kevin simply threw his hands in the air with “I gave up on these kids” kind of look while Brian giggled away.
Usually we did not interfere if the argument ended with cursing and slamming of doors from each other’s rooms but when it involved physical contact like pulling of each other’s shirts, punching, kicking or even body slamming on the floor, then the big ME came into the picture. The last time I failed to break up the brawl in time, Nick ended up with a broken wrist and AJ with scratching marks on his face and neck. I had to admit it was not easy to be a referee or mediator for the two gigantic kids but at the end of the day, nothing could be compared to the joys of seeing everyone back in peace like brothers again.
Ah! Those were the days of our lives. Simple and happy. In spite of us going through rough patches, tough times in particularly with the legal suits, rumours, family and personal problems, yet we managed to stand tall because of the support and love that we had for one another. Right from the start, we learnt not to complain or whine or even sighing to learn everything from the scratch where we had to lean on hitting those notes like a baby learning how to turn over. The media was not that hyped over Backstreet Boys so we were not used to being exposed to such high profile kind of life. While other fellow artists were pampered with a caravan and a room of their own for shows, we were grateful to be able to have our own second-hand bus or even share a room with other new artists. Impossible was nothing back then when we had each other.
Stardom did not come easy for us but we constantly reminded each other of our roots, of how we got there and in order to keep our feet back to the ground especially our little Carter boy we tried our best to instill some good virtues in him like what big brothers always did. Afterall, he was young and for someone of his age, stardom was indeed one big deal that came with a bigger price. We always have this fear of him not being able to cope with the drastic changes but we were wrong. Nick did better than we thought and how I thought we could forever be there for him and making sure he will not go astray in the near future.
Future?
Sigh.
What kind of future will this boy have now that he was in there, in the midst of surviving for his life?
It seemed like only yesterday that we came back, welcoming each other’s presence with a group hug after years of hiatus. It seemed like only yesterday we spent time together at the recording studio till late hours in the night, ordering pizzas before we continued with the recording again. It seemed like only yesterday our songs got leaked online and Kevin was damn furious about it. People were accusing Nick for losing our sample copy somewhere in the public bathroom but he insisted on someone “stealing” it from him without him noticing it. How the others kept teasing him every now and then about bringing our raw materials to public toilets, fearing of other people stealing it without him noticing It. How he threw his usual sarcastic smirk back at us before he walked out of the studio.
It seemed like only yesterday we had our first tour. The tour was fantastic and I could feel a new positive vibes fiery inside me. Yeah, Jay teased me for viagra but the responses given by the fans had better effect than viagras. Okay, that was so totally Jay’s kind of comparison. I would say the fans’ response was like the extra effect of Ginkgo Biloba, that made you absorbed those steps and songs more easily. The dedication was awesome and I did mention in one of the interviews that we had the best fans in the world. Oh yes, we did.
Just when I thought things were rolling back into one piece, Kevin dropped the bomb. Something that was totally unbelievable and as expected, Nick was the one that had the hardest time in accepting the decision. I am definitely not blaming him for the outraged at the meeting room. I am not blaming him for avoiding us for days neither am I blaming him for feeling hurt and betrayed. I supposed everyone had the right to feel that way. It was more on a matter of time on how you dealt with the whole thing. I could have gone up to Kevin and smacked his head and blasted his ears with a piece of my mind but then again, what was the point. He had decided to leave and thirteen years of us being together sure had taught us better in accepting another test.
That was where it all happened.
Brian and I went to see Nick hoping that we could make him see things, maybe not in full of one hundred percent from our point of views but to make him see things more positively. He was at home watching basketball and the entire living room was in a big mess. More like an aftermath of a huge bash. Bottles of soft drinks were everywhere. Without inviting us in, he walked back to the couch as if we both were totally invisible to him. Brian started talking to him but Nick was too stubborn to hear anything. Seeing no reaction from Nick except for occasional smirks, Brian began to lose his cool. He started to pull Nick back to his seat and raised his voice like he never did before.
Words were exchanged. Harsh words for most of the times and once in a while I had to pull one of them back to cool off. Brian was getting impatient and Nick’s temper seemed to pile up at every word that came out of Brian’s mouth.
“You know what Nick? I regret coming here!”
“Oh great! I never ask you to come here anyway! You should just leave me alone and let me die here!”
“Yes, with that kind of attitude, you are better off as dead to me now.”
“Oh! So now you’re wishing me dead!”
“Yes cause that’s what you want isn’t it?”
Nick was red and too furious upon hearing that coming from Brian. His eyes were watery. The last time I saw him having such expression was the time when Brian said goodbye to his bachelorhood. Instead of running back to his room, Nick dashed out of the house and ran towards the road.
“Nick! Where the hell are you going?”
I shouted for him to come back and waved at Brian to get Nick back. The time I took to turn to Brian was barely five minutes but it was the longest minutes ever when we both heard a sudden loud screeching sound from outside.
“D? Hey D!”
“Hey…”
“Been here long?”
I looked up and saw Brian smiling at me.
“Nah… I just came…”
“Did you have a hard time coming in here? I heard the security are tight downstairs.”
“You bet. Markus had to come and get me from the back door.”
“The news is spreading fast huh?”
“How did they know?”
“I don’t know but with our fans… it won’t take them long to find out isn’t it?”
“Yeah… our little detectives. So where’s Kev?”
“Jay came just now and I asked him to bring Kev to the cafeteria for his breakfast. You know the old man refuses to eat anything, not even a drink.”
“For some reasons, I think I can understand how he feel, so… what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Taken your breakfast?” Brian shook his head lightly and then turned back to face the grayish wall in front of us. “Leigh not coming?”
“No, I told her to stay at home and wait for my call. She’s been quite busy you know… with Baylee and the household chores so I don’t want to tire her down.”
This time it was my turn to show my answer with a light nod.
“Kev called me this morning and said there’s a good news about Nick’s condition?”
“Yeah, yeah… this morning… this morning I was talking to him… trying to make him remember the good old things… I talk to him about our Frick and Frack glorious victory in our pranks… about his birthday celebration last year… how much I missed that brotherly hug from him in that party… then suddenly… I saw his fingers moved… his fingers moved D… he actually moved his fingers, you know like moving his fingers as if he could hear me talking to him and I was… I was so…” Brian held on to his breath to control his shaky voice. I patted on his shoulders as he wiped off the tears from his eyes.
“Did you call for the doctor?”
“Yes we did call for him.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said… it could probably because of some deflection of some kind of emotions… I don’t know man what he’s talking about but I’m just… I’m just so happy and so thankful that Nick is actually responding to me… only God knows how scared I am… I just want to say I’m sorry to him… I really didn’t mean those words I said the other day… and if I could turn back time, I wish I could have stopped him but…” It was only a while ago Brian was so hyped in sharing how happy he was to see Nick moving his fingers and within the next short minute its tune began to change significantly. I gripped Brian’s shoulders harder to assure him that the minor reflection from Nick was indeed a good sign.
“Stop blaming yourself Bri… no one would want this to happen. No one. Even Kev wouldn’t have expected things to turn out like this… I mean we all know what Nick is like and his temper, but for him to be so much affected that he’s becoming like this is totally way out of the question.”
“No D, its all because of me. He’s inside there because of me. Because he’s doing what I said… just like he always did in the past, doing what I said and what I told him to… if I could just keep those words then maybe Nick is not in there right now and we’re not even here in the first place. I tried to forget it but those words… they… they keep on taunting me… if anything should happen to him, I can never forgive myself for the rest of my life… never… never D.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself Bri… this is not the time to blame yourself or anyone else but it’s a time for us to put our hands and hearts together cause right now, there’s nothing else we can do except to pray for him to make it through.”
“God… I miss him man! I really do!” Brian hung his head low. The guilt was biting him off to even think straight.
Nick missed you too Brian. In fact, he has had always been missing you dude. He missed the old days when Frick and Frack became the notorious crime partner in the Backstreet camp. He missed those days when we sat at the round table passing food around. He missed playing those pranks with you. I knew I could have told you all these in the past but then again, I preferred to have those words being unsaid.
“I’m sure Nick misses you too Bri… in fact, he always miss you dude…”
“He told you that?”
“Yeah… for quite a lot of times… and I am sure Nick will never blame you for whatever is happening right now. Not when you mean a lot to him during his growing years.”
“I guess… I must have missed noticing that.” I nodded my head lightly.
“Everyone grows up Bri and perhaps for whatever is happening at home makes him deprives for more attention from us… you know what he’s like and what he has gone through… even I feel guilty for not spending time with him whenever he needs a friend, a brother the most. You know how fragile that fella can be sometimes.”
“I know D and I guess I’ve failed him to be a good brother.”
“You are a good brother to him Bri… and I hope we all too. Just now you were mentioning on talking to Nick about his birthday surprised last year… Do you have any idea how much he bugged me the entire night to say how he’s so happy to have his Frick back? How he’s so anxious to play with Baylee… to be a good model for your son…”
I noticed Brian’s expression began to change. He gave a weak smile in reminiscing the birthday celebration he had planned for the first time since the past few years for his little brother. How he called us up in such a hush-hush mannered so that Nick would never find out about the secret. How I was assigned to be in charged of catering while Jay was in charge of preparing guest list and yes, thanked God he invited real humans to the bash. Kevin was in charged of the locating a perfect venue and luckily Kevin was taking care of it and not Jay, or else we would be having the bash somewhere near the cemetery.
On the day of his big day when the final preparation was done, I sent Nick a text message to come over to the said venue with no question asked, as I needed his help. The minute he entered, the entire room was blasted with a birthday song. The joys on his face was priceless especially when I told him it was all Brian’s idea for the surprise birthday party and he went all charging at Frick and gave him brotherly hugs throughout the entire night.
“You know what D?”
“What?”
“I want to do it again.”
“You will get to do it again Bri… I’m sure Nicky is strong to pull through.”
“I hope so D… I hope so.” Then we both engaged into another awkward silent and in that silent I heard Brian whispering a mountain of hopes and prayers. “Nick… if you’re listening to what I’m saying right now… listen to me bro, I just want you to stay with me alright… stay with me dude, you can’t do this to me. Not now.”
I tried not to listen or eavesdropping over his prayers but strangely enough, those words coming from Brian’s mouth were what I had in mind as I put my hands, heart and soul together for my little brother.
Yes Nick, stay with us… don’t give up on us dude, on me. I want you to stay with me alright. Stay with me.
original pic
