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March 2008
Nashville, Tennessee

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve become
Something told me to run and, honey
You know me, it’s all or none


Spencer hated the white walls, the white sheets, the white gown. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. If she could have, she would’ve run. The lack of color, of life gave her too much time to think, and not all of her thoughts were pleasant.

She wanted to not think.

But most of all, she wanted Nick here with her, amidst all the lifeless white. She wanted him to tell her things would be okay, that everything would be fine. More than that, she wanted him to not look at her with disappointment and hurt in his eyes.

Her hands were linked protectively over her belly, the diamond on her engagement ring glistening, as her eyes darted between the monitors hooked up to her and her belly. The pain was gone. The doctors had given her enough medication to numb the pain and prevent the miscarriage. It had been nearly twelve hours since she’d been brought into the hospital, bleeding and in pain, but she had yet to truly panic.

When the door to her room opened and Nick strode in, she wanted to leap out of bed and throw herself into his arms. One look at his face, though, had her back firmly pinned to the uncomfortable bed. Now, the panic came. His blue eyes, which she had come to adore in the last year, were blank, empty, and she felt something inside of her twist painfully.

“The doctor said you’d be fine at home with plenty of bed rest.” Nick’s voice was flat and emotionless. “He said the baby…she’s fine. Nothing happened to her. He told me the trauma of being assaulted caused a slight rupture, which is why you were bleeding.”

Spencer listened to him detail everything she already knew about why she’d ended up in the hospital. She knew he wasn’t saying it for her benefit, but for himself. He was trying to understand exactly what had gone wrong, and, with every word, the knife in her heart seemed to stab deeper.

“I can take you home now,” he finished, his face as expressionless as his voice.

She opened her mouth to speak, but a nurse bustled in. “Hello, Miss Wilde. My name is Alice, and I’ll be helping you get dressed. The doctor’s signed your release papers, so you’re free to go. As long as you stay in bed for the next few days to recover,” she added. Obviously, Alice had missed the tension in the room for she continued to chatter as she helped Spencer out of the hospital gown and into a pair of baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

Nick simply stood by the window, staring off into nothing. He felt rage and helplessness. Terror and anger. Everything inside of him was one raw, pulsing tangle of emotions, and just looking at Spencer hurt.

She’d been assaulted by not one, but three, men. Men that were good friends of the creep she’d helped put behind bars in her first case. They hadn’t appreciated the fact that their comrade was in prison, and they’d come to seek their revenge. She’d been knocked around and left unconscious on the sidewalk until someone had spotted her and called for help.

He’d seen the purpling bruise on her jaw, the livid black eye, and the mass of ugly bruises rampaging up and down her arms. The hospital gown hadn’t hidden those, but he knew from the doctor’s reports that there were more that he hadn’t been able to see, like her sprained ankle or the lacerations on her legs. She’d needed twelve stitches on her right thigh.

Hurt and fury slammed into his gut viciously, and he wondered how he would stand to look at her. She who had stolen his heart and stomped on his trust. She who had placed herself and their unborn daughter in danger.

He’d warned her, and she hadn’t listened.

“Now, you make sure you rest, ma’am,” the nurse was saying when Nick turned to find Spencer standing by the bed, her hands firmly placed over her bulging belly. “I wouldn’t want you to lose that child.”

“Thanks, Alice,” Spencer murmured and watched the nurse go before she turned to Nick. “I’m ready.”

He didn’t say anything, just took hold of her elbow and guided her out of the room, down the hall, and onto the elevator. Inside, he wondered how he could stand to touch her, knowing what she’d done.

Spencer tried not to let it hurt. Nick was never one to keep quiet with her, but he was. He barely said a word on the trip to his waiting car or on the way back to her apartment. Even when she was at home, sitting on her couch, he said nothing. So, she decided, it would have to be up to her to take the first step.

“I’m sorry, Nick,” she said quietly. “If I could, I would go back and change things-”

“Change things?” He turned to stare at her, his anger already fueled by hurt and anxiety. “The only way to change things would be if you’d never become a goddamn lawyer in the first place.”

Her brows rose, her anger sparked, but she tried to stay calm. If not for her sake, for her baby’s sake. “So we’re back to insulting my profession, right? Nick, I don’t think you get what happened-”

“I don’t? Really.” Nick’s eyes flashed fire. “I think we both know that what happened was exactly what I told you would happen if you didn’t listen to me. And guess what, Spencer? It did happen!” His voice rose in fury. “You got hurt, and you damn near lost our daughter! Did you even once stop to think how I would feel if I lost either of you?”

“Oh, so it’s about you, now? Well, news flash, Nick: I couldn’t exactly hold up my hands in the middle of getting tossed about and say, ‘Please, sirs. My fiancé will be furious and hurt if you do this to me, so maybe it’s best if you just let me go and walked away please.’ Fuck that, Nick.” She didn’t bother keeping her voice low, and she ignored the burning pain in her side. “I didn’t become a lawyer, so that I could get myself beat up by the friends and families of those I prosecute. I did it because I wanted to fight for justice!”

Nick shook his head, knowing that they were getting nowhere with this argument. All the way over from China, he’d told himself that he would be calm and rationally talk this out with her. Now, he knew rationality was not going to be part of the situation. “Fine. You want justice? You want what’s right? You got it.” His shoulders slumped as he turned away, feeling horribly exhausted. “You’re right, I’m wrong. But, either way, we’re over. I’m done fighting with you.” And his heart was splitting into millions of pieces.

Spencer drew in one painful breath after another as tears pricked at her eyes. “So that’s it?” she asked in a hollow voice. “No trying to work it out, no struggling to see us make it work? You’re not even going to fight for us to survive?”

“No. I’m sick and tired of fighting. I don’t want to even count the number of arguments our kid has already heard in there.” He gestured to her belly and sighed. “I can’t be with you, Spencer. Not like this, not ever. I’m not going to spend my life regretting marrying you, and I don’t want our baby to grow up with parents like mine.” Nick ran his hands through his hair wearily. “You do what you have to do, and I’ll do what I have to. All I’ll ask is that you, please God, take care of yourself for the next three and a half months until our baby’s born. That’s it.”

She thought her heart had splintered into dozens of pieces, and every bit jabbed at her insides. Still, she lifted her chin and looked into his cold eyes. “I’ll take care of her. Better than before,” she added, seeing the disbelief in Nick’s eyes. Her own fell to the ring on her left hand. Feeling her breath hitch with every movement she made, she slid the diamond encrusted band off her finger and held it out. “Here. I don’t think I need it anymore,” she managed to say before pressing a hand to her lips to contain the sob.

Nick stared at her outstretched hand, at the ring in her palm. He wanted to throw it out the window, but he made himself pick it up without touching her. Slipping it into his pocket, he looked at her one last time before moving to the door. “I’ll call you later to make sure everything’s okay. You should have your mom or someone over to help you out.”

“I-I will,” she murmured, tears hazing her vision.

He stood in the doorway for long moments before nodding. “Bye, Spencer.”

The door clicked shut behind him.

“Goodbye Nick.”

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening


Nick found himself reliving that night, over twenty years ago, repeatedly. It was like a nightmare that he simply couldn’t wake himself from, and that parting scene quickly melted into the one he and Spencer had just had a few hours before. As hours passed, he sat, still as stone, in his den, unable to speak, unable to move.

He wasn’t sure if he was angry with her, with himself, or with the world in general.

I’m in love with you.

Spencer’s pained words played through his head constantly, like a grim soundtrack, reminding him of what they’d once had and lost. But, where he’d once blamed it all on her, he was coming to wonder if he’d been right to point the finger at her. Maybe, just maybe, it had been both of them that had been at fault. Wasn’t it possible—no probable—that they’d both done their fair share in bringing their relationship to a crashing halt?

When he grew tired of staring at the four walls of the den, he wandered out to the deck and watched the waves lap against the shore. Moonlight dappled over the darkened water, but Nick paid it no attention. Where the ocean would usually provide him with some measure of peace, that was not the case tonight. His thoughts were too tormented to take note of the quiet lapping of water or the gentle breeze that stirred the warm, humid air.

Spencer had wanted to marry him on a yacht in the middle of the Caribbean, Nick remembered as he watched the water. Despite the fact that she’d been raised away from an ocean, her love of it rivaled his own, and he’d been so sure that everything they had in common was because they were meant to be.

And, then, he’d been so adamantly sure that they were just too different to be.

When he closed his eyes, he saw her tear-filled eyes, the pallor of her face, and he could hear the way her voice had wavered as she’d said goodbye to him…

For the last time.

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain’t leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside


“Dad?” Sydney stepped onto the deck the next morning to find Nick hunched over in one of the lounge chairs. His hair stood up at all angles as though he’d dragged his hands through it in frustration. When his head turned to face her, she nearly gaped at the expression on his face, the shadows under his eyes. “Dad, did you sleep? At all?”

Nick turned back to stare out at the brilliant blue of the ocean. “Don’t worry about me, Syd. I’ll be fine. Don’t you have to get to work?” His voice was scratchy, as though it had been years since he’d used it.

She stood quietly for several moments, wondering how to talk to him. She’d heard her parents’ argument, word for word, emotion for emotion. It had taken a lot of effort for her to stay still and not interrupt them. But, oh God, she thought, it had been horribly painful for her to sit there and listen to them rail at each other. The worst, she decided, was hearing her mother, her always so strong mother, weep and tell Nick that she’d always loved him.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asked now, reaching out to place a tentative hand on his back. When he didn’t move or respond, she sighed. “Daddy, I’m worried about you, about Mom. Tell me how I can help. Please.”

Nick heard the anxiety in his daughter’s voice, slipped an arm around her waist, and squeezed her close. “I love you, Sydney, and you know I’d never do anything to hurt you, right?”

“Of course.” She bit her lip nervously. “Dad?”

He’d heard the unspoken question in her voice. “Your mom and I have to figure some stuff out on our own, kiddo. I promise, everything will be fine.”

Sydney hesitated for a moment before asking, “And the wedding…?”

Nick was quiet for so long that Sydney thought he hadn’t heard her. Just as she opened her mouth to speak, his quiet response came. “It’s tomorrow. Just like planned. And the rehearsal dinner’s tonight,” he added quietly, wondering how he’d face everyone with their questioning looks. His friends would know immediately that there was something wrong. And Cara…

“It’s going to work out,” he murmured again, willing himself to believe it. But, even after Sydney had hugged him hard and left him with his thoughts again, the pain twisted horribly inside of him, and he wondered how Spencer could’ve lived with it for two decades.

***

“God, Mason, it was so hard to listen to them going at it,” Sydney whispered, her head resting against his shoulder. His fingers stroked soothingly through her hair. “I knew Mom loved Dad still, but hearing her…God, I never thought…”

Mason laced their fingers together and squeezed comfortingly. “At least they got it all out in the open, right? No more hiding their feelings. Now they just have to figure out what to do about it. Do you think your dad loves her back?”

Sydney was quiet for a while before she sighed. “I think he is, or at least a part of him is. It was really painful to watch him sit there, looking so tired and hurt. Mom won’t even pick up the phone when I call, and I know they’re both suffering.” She sat up and turned to face him. “There has to be something we can do to fix this.”

“Syd, come on. There’s nothing you can do now,” Mason began but she shook her head.

“Of course, there is! We can put them in the same room together somehow and see what happens. Dad knows how Mom feels, and things can’t get any worse than they did yesterday.” She gripped his fingers as her mind whirled with ideas. “He can’t marry Cara tomorrow. I don’t care what else happens, but he can’t just have that-that encounter with Mom and just go off and marry someone else.”

Mason took a deep breath to calm his irritation. Sydney never stopped, and he was definitely tired of her schemes. “They’re adults, Sydney. They know what they’re doing and what they’re feeling. You shouldn’t try to mess with their emotions anymore. It doesn’t sound like it would take much more to completely destroy your mother.”

“No, but, if she does break, wouldn’t it just be perfect if Dad were there? I mean, he could comfort her, and then, who kn-”

“Damn it, Sydney! Are you hearing yourself?” His voice was no longer calm, and his eyes were a flashing green. “These are your parents! Both of them are in pain, and you can’t go around playing with them again. It’s not a game. You need to stop trying to scheme and leave things to Fate now.”

Sydney glared right back at him. “Well, it’s not like Fate’s been very helpful in the last twenty years, has it? They wouldn’t have even had that argument if it hadn’t been for me pu-”

Mason simply leaned over and cut her off, pressing his lips to hers. For one, brief instant, Sydney froze, and then she responded. It wasn’t a long kiss; he hadn’t meant for it to be. When he let her go, he slid off the couch and went to stare out the window, his insides shaking from her impending reaction.

“Mason?” Her voice was tiny and surprised him.

Still, he couldn’t look away from the window. “Yeah?”

“Why did you kiss me?”

His fists were clenched so tightly, his nails were digging into his palms. “To give you something else to think about…and maybe, because I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” he replied quietly.

He was so tense that his entire body jolted when she came up and wound her arms around his neck. There was a small smile on her lips, and he couldn’t help but stare, his heart pounding. “Do you think you could do it again?”

His smile was hesitant before his grin flashed a moment before his lips met hers again. “Absolutely.”

***

Spencer stared at the list of missed calls on her cell phone. He’d called her. Not once, but five times in the space of two hours. As much as her finger itched to call him back, she couldn’t quite get rid of the depressing pall that had settled over her ever since their argument nearly twenty-four hours before. Besides, he’d probably just called to offer her another trite apology, so very much like the ones they’d meaninglessly traded in the months after they’d broken up. What was the point?

There were so many reasons why she should call him back, she knew. But there was one, very important reason why she couldn’t.

He was still getting married in the morning.

She would save herself the pain of going to the wedding and watching him promise to love, honor, and cherish another woman, and she would save him the embarrassment of seeing her again after that awful scene in his kitchen.

Well, now he knew what she felt, and, now, she’d never be able to show her face around him again. It would just be too uncomfortable for them to be around each other again, now that he knew she’d pined after him like a lovestruck teenager and he’d never felt the same.

Spencer flopped onto her back on the cushy bed in her hotel room and stared at the ceiling. If she were super careful, she’d never have to see him again, she thought. Well, aside from Sydney’s graduations, wedding, and so on. But those events would surely happen far apart, right?

More time for him to forget Spencer.

When the pain pounded in her chest again, stealing her breath, she curled into a ball and let the tears seep from her eyes. She shouldn’t be doing this, she thought desperately. She was better than this. Was she really letting one man twist her inside out?

Yes. God, yes, she thought. Because Nick had always been in the back of her mind and in her heart for half her life. Even when they’d been apart, she’d always thought of him when she accomplished something. Hadn’t she dreamed of standing with him on his deck and toasting their professional milestones? Of course she had.

In twenty-two years, there had never been a day when she hadn’t, in one way or another, thought of Nick.

“No more,” Spencer whispered, sitting up, her hands still pressed to the dull throb of pain in her heart. She was going to move on. Finally.

He was going to be someone else’s husband in less than twenty-four hours, and she would have to bury all these feelings she had for him. Cara loved Nick, and she’d certainly done a better job of keeping him happy. She probably hadn’t hurt him, betrayed him, and caused him a moment’s pain.

Not the way she, Spencer, had.

She swiped at the tears on her face and tried to strengthen her resolve.

She’d get back in the dating game, and she’d stop thinking about him. And, maybe, one day, this terribly enormous need she had for him would fade.

One day…

Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Lyrics from “Where I Stood” Missy Higgins