“Rehab”
It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know…
Chapter Twelve: Peace With Past
Week Thirty Seven, holy shit. I got less than a month and then Kayden’s popping out the kid. Fuck. Three weeks after New Year’s. We ain’t talked since either, till today.
“Nick I need you to take me to the doctor’s for my appointment.”
That’s it. Fuck you’d think I was her slave or something. Though, don’t say shit, but her breasts got fucking huge. I know its Kayden, and I can’t stand her ninety-nine percent of the time. But damn they’ve gotten huge over the past week and a half. I keep staring when I know her ass ain’t looking. And it ain’t fake. Damn. Now we’re on the way back, after the doctor telling us everything is okay, the baby looks healthy. And asked some shit about inducing labor or being natural. That was when Kayden fucking paled. And I do mean paled, and then finally said natural. I ain’t seen her like that ever. Was she getting freaked or something? Nah, its Kayden, uber-strong psycho bitch carrying my baby. So I drive, cause she looks fine now.
“Fuck my stomach itches like fucking crazy.”
I glanced at her. Does this mean we’re having a conversation now? I never know with her. “How’s the Lamaze classes.”
“Be better if Haven’s father could be bothered to show up.”
“You have that asshole you’re dating.”
“His name’s Luke. And he’s helping his sister, who’s preggy too.”
“I’ll go to the next one aight.”
“Thank you.”
“You hate my ass, why the fuck do you want me in the delivery room Kayden.”
She looked at me, and she actually looked serious. “Cause again, you are the father. I thought you’d want it. And believe it or not, I’d rather not be pushing the kid out alone. I am fucking human.”
Whoa. Aight then. “Okay.”
“Do you really hate me that bad?”
Aight what the fuck. Maybe it’s hormones. The woman is pregnant. Cause that shit came out of nowhere. How the hell do I answer this shit without her crying, getting really pissed off, or ended up hit again? It made me feel bad, maybe its old habits too. Fuck, I don’t know.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
I sigh. Shit. “I don’t know Kay; look all the shit that happened last year.”
“You weren’t exactly innocent in any of that.” I watched her rub her stomach again, almost like she thinks the baby can hear this and get antsy, so she’s soothing her.
“I was mad.”
“I…I never cheated on you ya know.”
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
That was when I felt the blood rush to my head again. That night, even now, makes me so damn mad. She fucked me over bad. I had loved her, and never thought she’d do that to me. She helped with the Paris bullshit, and then she cheated on me with one of my best friends. Fuck that. I never talked to the bastard since ya know. Chris can go to hell for all I care. “There’s pictures Kayden, do we got to fucking rehash all this bullshit again?!”
But I'm waiting,
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you
“They don’t show me pushing him away, but if you look, you can see I’m pissed off in those pictures Nick. If you really, really look.”
“Why the fuck does this matter now?”
At that she turned away, getting quiet. I ain’t sure whether to be happy or mad or indifferent about that one. Women, especially Kayden, are so fucking confusing.
*************
Everyday…
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way…
I don’t know why I had to bring it up now. Okay that’s a lie, I do know why. Because we have a baby only weeks away from making her arrival into the world. And I’ve been determined to give her an emotionally stable home life. That ain’t gonna be happening if me and asshole keep arguing the way we have been. Nick, not asshole. I can’t call him that once Haven is born.
“Because we’re having a baby, I want all this somewhat settled before she’s born. I just, I don’t want this over her head.”
I blame the pregnancy for everything else. I feel weepy and it pisses me the hell off.
“So you want me to forgive all that fucked up shit-”
“This is the last time I’m saying this Nicky.” There was a time where I was the only one allowed to call him Nicky. “I never slept around on you. Check the photos; ask Lisette just how she happened to get the pictures so conveniently. Or, you can keep believing a lie. I don’t want to focus on all that stupid past shit anymore. We need to be civil for Haven; even babies can sense unhappy homes.”
“…Aight I think I can do civil.”
“There was a time where we were friends once.” I shook my head, that was the past. I wanted the future now.
“Aight Kay, in name of being civil, you don’t have the room to be raising the baby in the guest house.”
I nodded, playing with my hair, which was starting to grow longer again. Time to cut it. Maybe this can work. Oh hell, it’s me and Nick fucking Carter, who the hell am I kidding?
Eh, worth a shot though.
*********
“Yeah?” she asked, playing with that golden hair of hers. Hair I loved long on her. I have a hair fetish, what can I say. When we broke up, she chopped it all off. Kevin told me she said she did it to “start over”. No, she did it to piss me the fuck off. But why is she still so stubborn about the cheating shit? She could just admit it now. It wouldn’t affect anything anymore. But she still keeps saying it never happened. To look at the pictures. Fuck, now I’m curious so I might later if I don’t forget. “I’m going to start looking for a condo after the baby is born.”
“You’re staying in Florida?”
“I…I don’t know yet.”
“Then why not just move into the main house, I know you can’t stand my ass but the house is fucking huge so you can avoid me-”
A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep
That was when she turned to me, almost looking hut, but not, and almost serious. It was a weird look aight? I didn’t know how to read it. “To be honest Nick, it’s not you I can’t stand; it’s the person you become when you’re around certain people. Alone, you’re almost the kid I remember growing up with.” I pulled up to Mel’s house then, which was where she said she wanted to go, and she got out quickly without another word.
Leave it to Kayden to make sure she confuses the shit out of me again.
Late May 2006
“Nick…” Nick watched Lisette step out of the vocal booth shyly. She seemed so nervous even after several months around them. He wondered if she’d ever get used to the fact she was a rising pop artist touring with the Backstreet boys as she recorded some vocals for the finishing touches on her album.
“That was great Lis.”
The two had bonded, being the closest in age. Admittedly in the past, he would have made a move on her by now. At first, he caught the glances she gave him, the subtle flirting, an eagerness to be around him the most. She was easy on the eyes as any rising star would be. Her soft brown eyes despite her typical exciting rush music usually gave her were shadowed, saddened.
“Something wrong?”
In her hand she produced a slim envelope from her pocket and Nick raised a brow. Okay then. Just listen and see what it is before wondering what the hell. Her perfectly manicured hand pulled out what he assumed to be pictures. She took a deep breath, sighing and handing them over, turned away from his gaze so he couldn’t spy what they beheld just yet.
“What are these?”
“I…it’s your girlfriend Kayden. I almost didn’t give them to you…but I just didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe you’d want to know. You are my…friend and all…”
At first glance he immediately felt his heart shatter into oblivion. Kayden, in semi-compromising positions with his own best friend. Every photo was of this, a play by play of betrayal and the slow stabbing of a knife into his very back by the two he trusted most. He put them in his pocket, playing the casual act. Never show anyone how bad you’re hurt. That was the first lesson of show business and he had learned it well. He gave the confident, cocky smirk he was so known for. Two could play this game, Lisette was a friend, and she was desirable…
“It’s aight, I was ready to toss her aside anyway babe. Move on to better things.”
She caught Nick’s meaning immediately, cause a smirk appeared on her own innocent appearing face. “Better things…”
With that he scooped her up after shutting off the master controls, sneaking into the booth. They had it reserved for another hour, and boy was he going to use it…
Those damn pictures are still in my place somewhere.
Dammit Kayden, I don’t know what to think anymore. Fuck.
********
…Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep
I stood outside Mel’s place, waiting for her to arrive. Sometimes that girl waits forever. Me, her, Luke, and a friend of his were all supposed to do something later tonight and I was going to have girl time for awhile before we did. Something mellow obviously since my stomach was bothering me a bit. Not severe pains, just itching, leaky boobs (hence why I’m wearing black today), and lots of active kicking and shifting from Haven. I need to just give up on Nick. Fuck him. He couldn’t believe me then, he ain’t going to now. I bet he was just annoyed as fuck about my emotional word vomit bullshit. I couldn’t stop going on about the past. Bleh.
I heard my phone ring a familiar tone and answered it with a smile. “Kevvy!”
“Hey Kay, you haven’t killed Nick yet have you?”
“Tempted, but fuck no, too much damn effort for a preggy bitch.”
“You’re getting close.”
“Ready to damn pop, but yeah.”
“Hang in there.”
“I am, but Nick confuses the shit out of me.”
“He does out of everyone.”
“No sometimes he’s human sometimes he ain’t. I’m at his place now ya know.”
“Good, glad I’ll be seeing a miracle.”
“Oh?”
“I’ll be in town soon for my new label, I have a musician who’s talented living in Orlando and I plan on launching him.” I love southern accents, whether it’s on Brian, Luke, or Kevvy-kins. Even without the southern slang, it’s so obviously there.
“Yay!”
“Try and make things work out with Nick, for the baby. You used to be friends once.”
Don’t I know this? I saw Mel’s car pull up. “I’ll talk to ya later Kevvykins, Mel just pulled up. She and I are having girl time before the double date tonight.”
“Date?” He sounded surprised. Ooh shit. I never told him.
“Yeah I met this guy, all cute and southern like, we’ve been casually dating about a month and a half-ish. Yes he knows about the baby sitch, but he just found out it was Nick’s on New Year’s.”
“Be careful.”
“Always. Laters!”
I hung up and grinned at Mel as we headed inside. It’s good to feel wanted. That’s when you forget what’s scaring the ever loving shit out of you. And the things that eat away at you, no matter how many times you claim you’re “putting away past bullshit”, because we all know you can’t. But you can forget at times.
Which is good, because otherwise I’d have no sanity left.
I just wish Nick would believe me so we can at least be friends. Asshole. I wish I could forget what’ll happen in just weeks. And I hope it all works out with Luke, because I need it.
But that stuff is made of frilly material that poofs away instantly, leaving you alone once more.
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
***********
I was looking at the pictures, sitting in the living room of my house. I guess I can recognize the rage in Kay’s eyes. Fuck knows I’ve seen that shit enough times. I don’t know if it looks forced or not, but Kay does look mad. Mad or in heat, I ain’t sure which. Fuck! Kay’s putting ideas in my head and I’ve got Lissy upstairs.
Aight I can’t believe I’m doing this…
“Lis!”
“Yeah Nick?”
“Can ya come down babe? I gotta ask you something.”
This way I can just ask, know (either by her or body language) and get on with my damn life. Oh, and be a father of course.
Just…don’t tell Kayden I may have listened. Cause she may be the whore I called her anyway. This shit may still be her fucking fault.
I just gotta check one more damn time. So I can get the past behind and move my big ass on.
Ya know?
Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
*All lyrics by Maroon 5, “Nothing Lasts Forever”
Author's Chapter Notes:
So I felt this song totally fit the chapter and used it throughout it. Maroon 5 is awesome yes? Anywho, enjoy the chapter, and feedback is love as always. :)
