“Rehab”
Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later…
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong, we‘re headstrong…
- “Headstrong” by Trapt
Chapter Thirteen: Seek and You Shall Find
“You okay Nick?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“We just gotta talk.”
“Lis, where did you get the photos.”
Her hands rested on those slim hips of hers, her doe eyes watching me cautiously. Her hands fluttered nervously with the tail ends of the wife beater she must have swiped from my closet. Not that I wear them much. Well I’m startin’ too after dropping that fucking weight but whatever. Moving my ass on.
“Why does it matter now? It was like eight months ago. She still did what she did.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Babe, why not just tell me? I’m curious and wondering.”
“The whore said something didn’t she?! The fucking slut who cheated you and now shows up with a baby she only CLAIMS is yours Nick, said something to get you doubting me.”
“The baby is mine!” I blinked. Whoa where the fuck did that come from. Never mind that shit now.
I saw her own eyes fill with rage, similar to the look of the woman in question in the photos. Her face contorted with fury. “Why do you even want it Nick? I remember when you hated this bitch! All she’s doing is manipulating you! We were happy till she came along again!”
Were we? I guess, but it ain’t like happy happy. I don’t get that often. It was a more…aight this routine ain’t fucking up my life as bad type of way. But I guess that’s aight as long as the girl is gorgeous as hell, ain’t annoying or backstabbing, and there’s good sex involved. Like I said, love doesn’t exist and only saps believe in that shit. But what if Lisette’s been stabbing my stupid ass in the back all this time. How the fuck do I know? How do I know Kayden ain’t being a crazy lying manipulative bitch like before? Or fucking hell, do I even know she was being that before or was it Lis.
Dammit now my head hurts.
“I want the baby because she’s mine aight! I ain’t gonna be the fuckups my parents are!”
She sneered. “How do you know you won’t? Face it Nick, you could never be a father. You’re too much like your own, a selfish bastard. Which I know and I like it just fine. But you? You’re in damn denial about it. You can’t be a father to that kid your whore is gonna pop out. She’ll know it, leave and you’ll never see the kid again anyway.” She twirled a long dark strand of her around her finger, taunting me. “I’m just trying to save you some trouble Nicky boy. Just like I did then.”
I stared at her. Not sure whether to fucking explode at what she said or actually process the bullshit. “Just like you did what then?”
“Well now that I got what I need, and can’t get much else from the crap you call music, I may as well say it. I got someone on the horizon anyway. More of a man than you can ever be.”
“You fucking slut! Get your ass out of my house Lisette before I toss you out!” I raged. Fuck I ain’t original when I’m pissed aight? Best I had at the moment.
“Shh, Nick, you want to hear this. See Kayden was in my way. I had the perfect way to make it past the trap that caught all your other opening acts. One hit wonders and nothing more. Like that Kaci girl. She dated the wrong one. AJ’s a bum. You, you always have attention. But Kayden was in my way to that, so I found out your old buddy Chris wanted to tap that. He and I talked, he gets her, I get you. I didn’t plan on the trash saying no. All your other girls were whores; I thought she’d be one too. But, I got pictures, as a backup plan. You never check, you just believe and go after the next piece of ass. I learned that quick. And look where it got me, a #1 album, I’m known for my talent after dating you got me attention. Chris wanted fame as well, not remembering you‘d hate him forever, so I would have to play it too. So I get what I want, he got nothing, like I like it. Oh well.”
I’d fucking had enough. Used. That’s all I ever fucking am! Ever since I was nine years old! Talent shows, contests, auditions, all to support a fucking family whose parents couldn’t do the job! Give us your checks Nick, you’re responsible for this family, remember that! I don’t care if you’re twenty Nick; your siblings still need you! Oh Aaron’s famous now; we don’t give a shit about you now. Oh Nick I love you. You’re an amazing boyfriend till you stop spending money on me. Till you get me famous. Till I use you for an abuse publicity fucking stunt! Always fucking being used! I’m always a fucking tool to someone! I’ve had it!
“GET OUT. Get out before I toss your ass out myself.”
“Oh I will, but I wouldn’t think this is it. You don’t leave me. I leave you. And if you thought Paris Hilton was bad while she was still alive, just you wait.”
“GET. THE-HELL. OUT!”
She knew I was serious cause I’d never seen her run out the door so fast in any time we met. Fucking son of a bitch. I slammed the door behind her. The wall shook with the force behind it, and I heard a vase fall to the floor. I don’t give a damn.
I remember the damn day we fucking just went at it. So clearly it hurt.
Late May 2006
He was wrapped in Lisette’s body, silky skin beneath his lips as his tongue slipped along her neck. His body was pressed against hers, clothes scattered around them. A thought of Kayden flittered through his head but he pushed it aside forcefully. What goes around comes around. She had it coming for what she did to him.
That was when she came into the door; he could hear her voice calling for him from the doorway. “Niiiiick. Nick! Hey I got news, ESPN has a new show being discussed, it won’t be tested out till next year but I might have a shot at it! Hee! Niiiiick-”
Stepping into the room, she gazed upon them in shock. The hurt, the betrayal, a broken heart shattering. He saw it all within her azure eyes before the anger quickly took over. As was typical of her. He stood, baring it all and not giving a damn. Guilt tried to come in but he refused. Let her feel the pain he had. What he didn’t expect was for her to lunge. She landed atop the other woman, fists a flying as Lis let out a surprised yelp. She was a singer not a fighter.
“Oh my god…you fucking bitch!”
“Kayden get off her!” He wrapped his arms around her, trying to pull her off. But she wouldn’t let go of her hair. Lisette screamed as he got Kayden free, clumps of hair in her hands.”
“What the fuck are you doing!? I could kill her!”
“You’ve fucking lost it!”
“You both deserve this! You fucking bastard! You’re lucky I didn’t scalp the whore!”
“You’ve been cheating on me!”
“Nick you’re fucking paranoid and a damn hypocrite! You’re with that damn slut of a singer!”
“Because I know you’re fucking cheating on me! How’s it feel Kayden?! And I almost thought I loved your psycho ass!”
She stared at him in shock then. “Nick, what are you talking about?”
He grabbed the photos from the coffee table, tossing them at her. “That, I caught you, you fucking wench.”
“Nick, I didn’t cheat…” Her eyes met his, pleading. “I…I love you okay!”
“You’ve never been able to say that, always fucking ditto, like on that stupid movie. Why the fuck now? Cause you’re caught?!”
“Because I do! I just have issues with the words…you should know that better than anyone!” And he had, but that thought didn’t even enter in then. All he had known was she was caught with another, another that wasn’t him. So he wanted her to feel what he did. To know how it felt to be a trusting fool. He’d never make that mistake again, that much he knew.
“I thought I knew you, obviously I know jack shit!”
“I caught you with that Lisette girl dammit! How dare you say all this shit about me that is a LIE when I SAW you with her today?
“I can’t believe you believe her!” Lisette had long gone upstairs to fix the damage, compose herself and whatever else he’d figure a chick would do in that situation. He had just barely seen her come to the top of the stairway above them afterwards, watching the damage she had caused.
Even after she had broken my nose, I had felt myself the winner cause I knew I had still managed to hurt her more. And all fucking long she had been right and I kept sleeping with the real backstabbing whore. Kayden slowly turned into what she is now, and now we’re thrown back fucking together. A puzzle that don’t fit anymore. And now we got a new piece coming, a baby in the mix. Fuck maybe that bitch is right. What if I can’t fucking be a father? That’s why I never wanted kids. I knew I could fuck them up as bad as I’d been. And now I ain’t got a choice.
My life was royally fucked beyond belief. I’d been used. A-fucking-gain.
And the worst damn part?
It was my damn fault.
All of it.
*************
I wonder if Nick talked to Lisette the other day after we talked. No matter. I’m in my little guest house. (No I have not moved in yet. That is still undecided.) I’m in my little home, on a lay-z-boy, with Luke at the other end being a God right now. Yes, ooooooh god it felt so good. He was a God, I’m serious.
The man is rubbing my feet like no tomorrow. My very disgustingly swollen feet. All for me. That’s a man there for you. I grinned at him. “You. Are. Amazing.”
He smirked at me, in his own trademark way. I think I have a thing for the smirky once. I blame it on the confidence thing. As long as it doesn’t turn into an ego, I’m okay with it too. “Yeah, I try.”
“I’m serious. This is so what I needed right now.”
“Good, if you’re my gal, I gotta make ya happy.”
I chuckled. “Your gal huh?”
“You know what they say.”
“Take the boy outta the honky tonk, can’t take the honky tonk out of the boy. Don’t I know it.”
He leaned over, letting us be caught within the simple intimacy a kiss controlled by passion can have. It’s the simple things in life that do it sometimes. Let me tell ya. “You love it.”
He rubbed my feet some more. Dear god that felt so good. “Oh hell yeah.” This was almost as good as sex, I swear to god. Luke is a miracle worker with his hands. Ooh nice thought. But yes, the man never ceases to surprise or amaze me.
I really love southern gentlemen. Best creation EVER.
**********
Kevin and I were walking along the beach beyond my house. Turns out he told Kayden he’d be in town. Thought she’d tell me. Fat chance, we ain’t talked till the day I told Lis to get her ass out. Even though he ain’t in the group anymore, the man is like the father mine never even tried to be. You see how fucked up my siblings are? I know you watched my show. It’s because they didn’t have a Kevin like I did. I tried to be that. Fuck I still try. But I ain’t. I can’t be, if I can’t even get my siblings straight, how the hell can I raise a kid. I’m fucked. Royally. I felt like driving my Cadillac off a fucking cliff right then.
“You alright ‘lil man?”
“I’m taller than everyone else. How are you still calling me ‘lil man?”
He laughed. “Cause I’ll never forget the shrimp you were when we started. All of us towered over you, even Kayden and Samantha.” Oh, Sam Stonebraker! I remember her; she was one of the cool girls Brian dated. Till he saw Leighanne while they were having issues. Left Sam for her, big fucking mistake I think.
“Heh, I wish I was still that kid.”
“Things were simpler back then huh?”
I nodded. “Even with Lard Ass stealing shit from us. Not like I ever saw much of my money till I hit eighteen anyway, him stealing or not.”
He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from walking, and he had the Kevin look. You know the one. The I know something serious is wrong so tell me now before I interrogate the fellas look. It’s this like fatherly look mixed with the Dirty Brow, with the flavor of the pissed off look. If you know Kevin, then I make so much sense it’s scary.
“I got used, again. I’m fucking done Kev, I can’t trust anyone. It blows. And I should just leave before the baby’s born, cause I ain’t gonna be a good dad. Look who I had raising me. I should let you play daddy to her, maybe then Haven will have a chance at not being a mess.” I watched the ocean, even that couldn’t calm me now.
His voice was soothing, comforting, and lecturing. All Kevin styled. “So she did decide on Haven, huh? Everyone gets scared of being a parent Nick. I was terrified before Mason was born. And you know what not to be. I’m sorry Lis used you, maybe you need a break from women for awhile.”
I shook my head. “You and…Kayden had been right. I fucked her up, myself up, this situation up. I did this. And you think I can be a dad? You’re fucking insane Kev. And not just cause you’re country this time.”
And there’s that Dirty Brow. “You want to hear something funny?”
I raised a brow at him. “Sure. I need it. That or a fucking drink.”
“People told me that when I said I’d straighten your big head out back in the day. And look how you turned out.”
Leave it to Kevin to twist my bullshit into something that makes sense. But I can’t do this. So, what the hell do I do?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thankies so much for the feedback guys! To start with, cause yes I love it. Sorry for the slight delay. I was working on my major collaboration I created (with help running it from Dee, Julie, and cowritten with several talents hehe), 00Carter. So getting that updated and in the works again took some time. Plus midterms. But I am back, with a lovely chappie! So, enjoy, review, lemme know what you think! Laters!
