“Rehab”
…Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you
Hey jaded, In all it's misery
It will always be what I love and hated…
…Yeah I’m so jaded
And baby I’m afraid of you
Your thinking's so complicated
I've had it all up to here…
“Jaded” by Aerosmith
Chapter Five: Jaded
Baby shopping. Fucking hell. How the hell did I decide to fucking get a cap, shades, and my old wig to disguise myself so I could find something to baby shop for. What the fuck is wrong with me? Part of me wants the kid, but when I thought of the rare ass chance of me having one, it was with a wife, and a happy home. Not a fucking history repeat of my father. It’s been about two weeks I’ve known now, about my soon to be fatherhood. Lissy doesn’t know yet. I’m still figuring out a fucking way to tell her. Thanksgiving came and went, me wondering how it’s all gonna work after the kid is born.
Me and Lissy had thanksgiving at her family’s place, with me getting questioned. You’d think I was a fucking criminal or something. I didn’t even call my parents that day. I did call my brother and sisters though. Let them know I haven’t forgotten them. Our bonds are still hella weak, but since we did do the reality show, it has gotten better. Not as much as I’d like though. Fucking hell not even close.
My life ain’t normal, and it never fucking has been. I’ve been in the Hollywood lifestyle since I was thirteen, nothing to keep me grounded. I was supporting my family once the real money came in. I watched my siblings get sucked in, only without having someone like the fellas, aight, or Kayden, to keep the stable. Yeah she helped too, then anyway, before she got fucking crazy. Look at Aaron, he’s on drugs, I know the little fucker is, but cause he’s eighteen there’s little I can fucking do. He’s gonna end up like AJ did, and I hope I can save him like Kevin did. But I ain’t no damn Kevin, and when it comes to the squirt that’s scary. Leslie barely talks to the damn family, she ran off to Canada. But she is saying more to us than she used to. It’s a start. Angel’s modeling, and I fucking hope she doesn’t get sucked into the diseased side of that business. BJ? She reminds me of mom. I kinda wish I had caved about season two, maybe it could have helped. But fuck it was too big a disaster, showing the world how fucked up we are. At least we talk more now.
Great family right? This kid shouldn’t be a Carter, look at the great job I did on my siblings. It ain’t like mom or dad actually parented. I tried, fucking hell I tried. But I was always on the road, not even eighteen, always working. Had to make sure I made it so financially they’d be okay.
Everyone changes, events change you. Life fucking tweaks you and twists you up all over. Makes you look different from what ya used to be, ya know? Change is a must and usually good. If you don’t change, you end up fucked up. You get screwed over. I learned that shit the hard way. I used to try not to change in fame, not to let any of that shit get to me. I at first wanted to stay true to the poor but cool as hell Florida home grown boy I was.
All this shit with Kayden has me thinking of the past. Back when she kept my ass in check.
Fame had hit, and at sixteen years old, Nick Carter had left high school completely, surrounded by a tutor instead. He really had quit school after middle school, only making short appearances at the high school anyway, with excuses and makes sorted out through tutors. Still, Kayden was upset to hear he had officially left the school, off to greater things than the dirt poor town of Hutters, Florida. This would mean no random surprise appearances when they got the rare chance to goof around in class together. He was also moving, which meant he’d no longer be right next door. Not that he was as much anyway, due to traveling overseas often cause their fame had spread there first, and was just now hitting the states. Still, in the end, it meant he wouldn’t be right next door ever again.
So had Chris, a friend to them both, yet closer to Nick. He lived in the “better” part of Hutters, if there was such a thing. Kayden he found tossing a ball against the side wall of her house, catching it and throwing it with anger again. He came up beside her.
“Hey.”
She didn’t look at him, she just threw the ball again, her blonde hair back in a short ponytail that swayed in the small breeze. “You’re gonna forget all about me now.”
“What? No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.” She stopped and turned towards him. “You’re moving from here, and I don’t blame ya, so you can move to Tampa-”
“Tampa’s not far and I have my license, you have your permit Kayden and-”
“See and now you’re calling me Kayden instead of Kaydee. You’ll get famous and rich and meet all sorts of fabulous people, and you’ll forget everyone here. Not that I blame ya, but fuck Nick I hate being left behind!” Her arm raised to actually throw the ball at him, but instead, she sighed and let it drop from her hand in defeat.
He walked over, watching for a moment. Then, he just sat, pulling her gently down beside him. “Hey I ain’t gonna forget you. I’m still the same Nick. You’re the one who didn’t tease me for wanting to sing, now I have a bunch of wannabes trying to come around.” he made a face, and Kayden couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Everything’s gonna change.”
Nick shrugged. “I guess, but you’re stuck with me, aight?”
“Yeah?”
He smirked, tackling her down as they started wrestling playfully. Their parents had been telling them they were too old for wrestling, but neither ever listened. She smirked, when she was finally able to get the upper hand and pin him for a few moment’s. He grinned up at her.
“Yeah.”
She hated change. Any kind. Always has. She fought it and the world has been fighting to fuck her over. And it did, and it was with my fucking help. But she earned it. Fucking hell she did. I ain’t the man she thought I was. And now she knows.
Now she won’t let me fucking forget.
*********
“What about Tempest for a name Mel?”
“That is odd.”
“That’s what asshole said.”
“Don’t punish the baby to spite him. That’s like asking for the poor girl to be teased.”
Rolling my eyes I flipped through the baby name book for better suggestions. I like unique names. Sue me. “Okay…Haven”
“Aren’t there any normal names in that book?” She snatched it from me and looked at the cover as I smirk. “Great Uncommon baby names for 2007. Figures.” She tossed me one of the other books I had around me. “Try something NORMAL.”
“What is normal anyway? I want her to be named something special, cause she will be special.”
I saw her smile at that. Ha. I win. “I get your reasoning, but c’mon you know that poor kid is going to be teased to death. Nick won’t hear of it anyway.”
I know I have an annoyed look on my face despite myself as I feel my baby start kicking. Think she knows that’s her daddy yet? I wonder sometimes. I doubt it, he hasn’t been around my tummy enough for her to know. And if by hearing me talk she somehow knew, she’d respond more to hearing the word asshole. Man I gotta watch my mouth once she’s born. Last thing I need is for her first word to be “Asshole” instead of “mama” or “dada”. Even if the asshole deserves it, I for one ain’t having that shit happen. I read this technique in one of my parenting books I bought, that around little ones if you say a bad word, say something like “pickles” or “peanut butter” or some other thing right after it, and they’ll only remember the last word said. So they won’t learn the naughty word. I need to take note of that one.
“If he’s around for us to talk about a name long enough for us to decide on it.”
“Oh you know he’s busy.”
“Haven’t heard from him in two weeks since the last argument we had.”
“At least you didn’t hit him that time.” She replied, smartly.
I shoot her a look, flipping through the pages. I wish a name would just jump out at me. It’d make my life so much easier. “Ha ha, no instead I left all pissed off.”
“But you didn’t injure anyone. Go you.”
If I had I likely wouldn’t have been so pissed off then. But I didn’t say so. All it’d be is another way to earn a discussion on my anger issues. I know I have them. I know I probably should work on them a bit. People who judge would probably be dumb enough to make the asinine suggestion that it could affect my child negatively. They’d be idiots. Because I know I’d never raise my hand to one of my kids beyond a normal spanking. If I have more than the one I’m currently carrying that is. Fuck I don’t know if I will. If I do, I’m going to be married that time.
“I only left placing curses on his name instead.”
“Still a step up” I watched her head into the kitchen to make some food. Which I’ll probably nab some of. I’m eating for two here people. It leaves me with thoughts of asshole again however.
Look at you Kayden, who would marry you? You’re a psychotic wreck half the damn time, thinking everyone is against you! That’s why I fucking did it. I had to fucking escape! Every man will, you’re better off being the slut you are.
I remember when those words were screamed at me in anger. I got violent with fury as a result. Not because they hurt, though they did, but because I know they could be true. It’s hard to fucking trust. I don’t want to be like mom, with all her walls and issues. I knew she loved me as a child, but I can only remember moments where I actually felt like she did. I don’t want to be like that. When it came to her and my father, I could only make guesses, even now, twenty five years old, and I still know almost nothing. I don’t want to become my mother, I’ve fought so long not to be, and yet here I am, retracing her, almost step by step.
It’s for that reason alone I grab my cell and dial an old familiar number again.
Within moments Nick’s car is in front of Mel’s house. He must not have been too far. Hmm. He didn’t tell me how close he was. I glanced back at my friend who sent me a smirk. “Is the girlfriend with him?”
I raise a brow, “Which one?”
“He’s doing it again?”
I shrugged. “I haven’t seen it but I can tell he’s playing on the side. Plus, he’s still with the same girl he was before.” I tuck a short curl behind my ear, my hands tend to wander when I talk about certain subjects. Playing with my hair hid it.
“The one who…”
Let’s not go there. “Uh huh.” I tugged down the tank top I wore. Some of my preggy clothes were for when I was earlier along, but I liked this one. Damn I might have to toss it soon. It kept riding up and showing off my protruding stomach. I grabbed my bag and was going to head to the car, knowing the asshole wouldn’t want to actually be seen coming to get me. That would be a civil act, god forbid he did one of those.
The doorbell rang. I opened it, and holy shit there he was. I waved to Mel and headed out to the car with him. He shrugged. “You were taking too damn long.” He looked ridiculous in a way only Nick can. He must have been out earlier, donned in his old black wig, huge sunglasses, and a hat. He’s had that “disguise” forever. How fans never caught on is beyond me. It’s a horrible one, funny as hell. Good to have now cause of where we’re now going though.
“I was taking too long?”
“Yeah, I ain’t waiting for your lazy ass forever.”
Oh fuck a duck I don’t want a fight. I felt my hormones rage away from anger and down to the other extreme. Fucker, he ain’t seeing me like that. So I just shrugged at him. “Well finding clothes that fit is harder these days aight. Can we just go to the doctors? My one in California recommended him.” I opened the door to his prized silver 2006 Mercedes Benz, the symbol of fame and riches anymore.
“I’m fucking shocked you’re having me bring you instead of Melissa.”
“You are the father. Not that you want to remember that.”
“Cut me a fucking break okay?”
“I haven’t heard shit from you for two weeks, I thought you backed out.”
“There you go getting all fucking paranoid!” He spat out as the car roared out of the driveway. What the fuck was I thinking asking for his ass to come along? I wanted to slam my head against the dashboard. I know this little girl is going to have blond hair and blue eyes (or maybe blue-green or just green thanks to me and my genes) but please don’t let her inherit my anger or Nick’s asshole-ness. Please.
Or I’ll really end up insane.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey, updated sooner than I thought. But there's not much else to do when you're sick and sniffly right? Anywho, thanks to those reviewing constantly I love ya for it, and it's so motivating (*Hugs to Melz :D*). Thanks to those who enjoy the story period and make sure I know. Enjoy the chapter.
