“Rehab”
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am…
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I’ve been down,
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
- “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
Chapter Eight: Insane Ideas and Unwanted Thoughts
I sat there, phone in my hands, two numbers. There was Nick, who, now that I’m getting closer and closer to due date land, needs to go with me to my next appointment. But, then there was Luke’s number. I’ve called him once since, he now has my number. He seemed to be so charming, but charming is damn scary. Nick was once charming. Christmas was only days away and despite my personal love for the holiday, I felt down. I guess part of it is hormonal, but part of it isn’t. I feel so far from everything I’ve known, thrown back into a past I wanted to forget. Nothing tragically agonizing to remember here I know, but enough to hurt, enough to just want to go away. But I’m not twelve years old anymore; the world no longer works that way.
Mel is out shopping, the girl procrastinates gifts like no other. I would’ve gone if it weren’t for the fact I felt like I was a thousand pounds and big as a house. It made me lazy, and I opted for coco as I watched TV instead. Changing the channel, a rerun of House of Carters filled the screen, but…instead of changing it like I wanted to, I kept it on. Can’t say I ever actually watched the show. Now I did, and for a second, here and there, I saw glimpses of the man I used to know as my best friend. The way he went nuts over trying to make sure Aaron was safe, the way he tried so hard to protect them all. Sometimes successfully, and if he failed, he failed in a way only Nick could. Was it all an act for the cameras? I wanted to say yes, since he had become asshole to me before this was even taped. But I know his fake side, and in those few moments where he was Nick, not asshole, those were legit. If that side of him hadn’t died, what happened? Did he just bury it?
Or was it me who brought out asshole?
I blame my emotional state, but the thought made me almost want to cry. Almost counts only in horseshoes. Don’t forget that. Before I could actually dial a number though, Luke called first. I answered, feeling short of breath. Damn pregnancy.
“Hello?”
“You aight? You run for the phone or something.”
“No, just, short of breath. So, hey.”
“Aight so I was thinking, I know you prolly don’t like coffee cause the last time coffee came around, it left a bean in the coffee machine, but damn, I think you should try a cappuccino with me sometime. We can discuss you going back to coffee coffee.”
I laughed at the hidden message in there. Yet felt sad again, I have gotten very gun shy so to speak. Can anyone blame me? The last time I actually did the whole flirting and romance and all that comes with it… No I am not going to go there. With everything going on, fighting thinking about it is a bitch to do, but dammit I’m gonna do it. He seemed so sincere, so sweet in his own definitely unique way.
“I guess cappuccinos are different, and coffee coffee might be worth glancing at again…even if it does have to be decaf. Maybe on Thursday?”
“Sounds aight. I’ll meet you at Dino’s around eleven? You know where it is…since you said you grew up here and all…”
Dino’s was a diner that’s been around since as long as I can remember, a little café outside of Tampa just before Ruskin came actually. A middle of nowhere almost location, but it had good food and was a great escape as a teenager. I knew it well; growing up it was the setting for dates, friends and all that jazz. I‘m impressed he remembers me saying I‘m a former native. “I love that place, sounds good.”
“I promise, coffee will be good to you this time around.”
“I think it might too, maybe.”
“Good, bye Kayden.”
“Bye.”
Hanging up the receiver, I let myself sigh as I tried to maneuver out of the couch I was in. Harder than it looks the farther I get along. I changed my mind and relaxed there for the moment. Two days before Christmas, and I need to make sure I found an apartment. I can feel a smile grow a little, because despite myself, the whole coffee talk did warm me up a bit. I pulled out my laptop, which was on the coffee table in front of me. Soon my fingers were flying across it for available places around Tampa. I yawned, wishing I didn’t have to deal with this, but it’s not exactly like I can raise my baby at Mel’s place. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I need to call Nick about when my next appointment is, but that call put me in a lighter spirit for once, all asshole would do is bring me right back down to my oh so annoying reality. I don’t want that right now. So I will just see what I can dig up, and chat with Melissa about dinner when she gets home.
Speaking of which, I was able to hear her come in, grumbling as she passed me who was still in the living room. I raise a brow in silent questioning.
“What’s wrong?” Okay not so silent.
“Just ugh. That boy just tested my patience all to heck.”
“Oh?”
“The father is waiting for you outside.”
“Ahh asshole run in.” I had forgotten her and Nick haven’t really interacted even with all the stuff going on up until today.
“You weren’t kidding when you said he’s changed. He didn‘t used to be like that.”
I shrug and slowly made myself get up. “Yeah, wish I was kidding.”
She gave me a smile, helping me. “You’ve changed too though; it’s that whole growing up concept.”
I chuckle, sticking out my tongue at her. “I’ll even not get violent. It’ll ruin the Christmas spirit.” I went to the door, and there he was waiting for me, tapping his foot like this is some major waste of his time or something. Even if he did come here on his own.
“Yes?”
“Hey.”
“Hi yourself. Good to see you‘re an ass to more than just me.”
“Wasn’t trying to be.”
“Bullshit.”
“Look, you find your own place yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Still looking?”
“Yeah but I’ll be aight.”
“What if I had an idea?”
***********
I fucking hate doing the so called right thing. I ain’t doing this for her. I’m doing this for my kid. I know Kayden has her career and money and shit, but she still doesn’t have a place. She needs one, but it’s hard for her to look since she wants to do nothing being pregnant and all. And I don’t want her taking that baby back to LA, so, I came up with an idea. You might think I’m fucking crazy for it, but I had one.
“An idea. You?”
“Yes, fuck do you have to make this hard?”
I watched her cross her arms and give me one of her looks. A dirty stare. “I didn’t make anything hard, if you remember this entire damn chain of events started with you.”
“Do you have to bring that up?”
“Why not? Hell we haven’t talked about it since it happened!”
“Maybe I want to forget it.”
“Whoa you actually feeling guilt Carter?”
“More like fucking disgust, remember, it involves you.”
Every time it turns into an argument. I hate her sometimes, but she might be right. Guilt may fucking be hiding somewhere in my mix of emotional bullshit as well. There ain’t no way I want to relive it either. Hell no. How the hell do I get myself in this? Hell this all started by being friends with the chick, who knew that’d blow up into all this.
“Nick, why you so quiet?”
“Just thinking of how to say something.”
“Well we’re on a tour bus, so I ain’t going anywhere, talk to me.”
“You don’t want to hear this.”
He felt her arm drape over his shoulder in a comforting way. “It’s me, and the whole you can tell me anything rule applies.”
Nineteen years old and he couldn’t find a way to say it again. He’s said it before, how he felt, what he wanted. Always and forever was the same answer. It’s been happening since he was fifteen. One would think he’d get it by now. But Nick knew, and he was stubbornly holding on. It’s hard to let go of feelings, thoughts like that. Especially for someone like this one. He was now famous beyond belief, performing one of the biggest tours of the year with the Backstreet Boys. So many wanted him, and yet here he was, eying a simple girl from Hutters, one he’d known for so long. The summer was almost over, and soon she’d be at college, while he’d be overseas. Would a relationship even work? They knew how to keep a bond over the distance sure, but this would be different and they both knew it.
“You know what I want to say Kayden.”
He watched her expression change, her blue green eyes shadowed now, shifting more to a green tint. Of course she knew. “Nick, you’re my best friend. I love you for that. Why ruin it with a relationship?”
“Because you want it too.”
“You don’t know what I want Nick, and neither do I.”
“Oh really.”
“Yes really but I know what I don’t want, I don’t want to hate you one day. It’s not worth some fling we could have. I’m…I’m going to my bunk to do some summer reading my stupid classes assigned before I even start college.”
He sighed as she climbed into her bunk in the bus. It always ended the same. A no and then they acted like it never happened. Some things never change, and he wished some things would. He went towards the front of the bus, where he could play a video game. Since the tour was so huge and all, and they had struck it big, each member now had their own bus. At least it meant no questions. All that fame and he still wasn‘t able to get a yes when he asked a girl out. It figured.
I shake the memory away. I was a damn pathetic teenager. Funny since all the fans thought I was a cocky little shit then. Ain’t true, I was insecure as all hell, chasing a girl who kept rejecting me. So I dated other celebrities, singers, and all that crap. Mainly I was media hype boy. Mandy, I mean “Willa Ford” was one of those back then. Fuck that hasn’t changed much either. I’m still media boy. I ain’t had many meaningful romance type shit. I don’t believe in it anymore, I should’ve learned that when I was a kid watching my parents. But hell, I’m a slow ass learner, but I did learn. Who knew she’d be right about us hating each other years later. Prophetic type shit right there.
“Nick if you’re going to insult the hell out of me and then fucking space forever again, go home. I ain’t up for your shit and you should really treat your ADHD.”
“Look I’m here for you so quit bitching.”
“Are you ever going to say why then?”
“Of course I am.”
“So start talking Carter.”
“Look you remember how my place is right?”
“No way in hell am I living with you.”
“Not with me, you remember the set up right…”
“Of the Carter Compound? Sure, your family moved into a new place once your parents divorced; now you’re in the main house…”
“So live in the guest house I had set up for me. I ain’t saying we live together, but you get your damn space, I get mine, and it’ll be good for the baby and such.”
“Your old hut styled one?”
“Yeah.”
“So live with you but not with you. Are you insane?!”
“Right. And hell I was trying to be nice aight, take care of shit.” I think I’m crazy for suggesting this shit now. I can see it. What the hell was I thinking now? Oh, right. Being a responsible person, getting my freedom still, and having the baby near so she knows me. Too bad Kayden’s part of the damn deal.
“Take care of things huh. What about your bitch Lisette? Does your girlfriend know about ANY of this yet?”
And there’s…well that shit too of course.
Author's Chapter Notes:
So, I've been busy but I had time today and totally churned out another chapter so yay! Also, one of my other stories, "Just Another Day" is the featured story this month. So yay again! Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing any of my stories. I love ya for it. Enjoy the chapter!
