Story Notes:
I'm not good at summaries so please don't judge the story from just that! Give it a chance :). Also, this is a fictional story that's actually not based on the Backstreet Boys as a band, but as normal people.
Present Day
Angela’s View
Silence. It’s what surrounds me, constantly, day after day. Silence. Agonizing silence. How can this silence be so excruciating and yet so comforting? Any sort of noise, any sort of movement would distract me from this hell, so why don’t I welcome it?
I lied on my side, my back facing the door. I stared blankly, switching from the pictures on the wall to the closed curtains, restraining the morning light from entering my closed off world.
My position hasn’t changed much these past couple of weeks. I’ll reluctantly get up to use the restroom, or to change positions on the bed. I never go far from the side of the bed I inhabit though. After four years of sleeping in the same spot, it becomes habit, and it’s hard to move beyond that boundary that was set for you. I only moved beyond that boundary when he was there to hold me at night. Those nights are almost distant memories.
A knock sounded at the door. I glanced at the clock and wasn’t surprised to find that it was 8:30am. It was like clockwork. I didn’t respond to the knock, because I knew I didn’t have to. I returned my gaze to the wall of pictures, pictures that reminded me of my heartache. The ache that I’ve been drowning in.
“I’m coming in A,” the muffled voice said from behind the door. My body remained still, my gaze never faltering. True to her word, she opened the door slowly and quietly. I heard her shuffled movements stop at the foot of the bed. I felt her gaze upon me.
“Angela, it’s a beautiful day outside. Want to see?” She asked quietly. I didn’t respond. She must have felt that the lack of response was an indirect way of saying yes or she just didn’t care what the response was because either way, she walked to the curtains, grabbed a hold, and flew them open. The light swarmed into the room rapidly, catching me off guard. I flinched and slightly drew back.
She opened the window and the sounds of birds chirping and green leaves rustling reached my ears.
“See?” she asked, facing the outside, not looking at me. She took in a deep breath and turned toward me. “What do you say about going for a walk? We could take Gunther to the park. You know how much he likes that.”
I didn’t respond once again. She gazed at me intently. She was antsy. I could tell by the way she was fidgeting with the hem of her pants out of the corner of my eye. After a few moments, she approached me slowly. She bent down in front of me, coming down to my level.
“Angela, please come with me. You haven’t left the house in nearly two weeks. It’ll do you some good.”
I finally looked into her eyes. Those eyes looked so worried and so caring. She came in here everyday in the hopes that I’d respond to her pleas, and I have yet to. I just wasn’t ready.
She smiled slightly at my response. It’s more than I had given her in awhile.
“Ben is downstairs. We brought over some food. I know you haven’t been eating what we’ve been giving you, so I know you’re hungry.”
“I’m not hungry Melissa,” I said quietly. She seemed startled that I spoke. She quickly regained her composure and replied, “Even so, you need to eat. It’s not healthy. This…” she motioned towards the room and the bed, “Is not healthy.”
She saw that I wasn’t going to respond, so she continued, “You need to get up Angie, for your sake, for all of our sakes. You need to face the world.”
My eyes began to sting to those words. I tried frantically to keep the tears back, but to no avail. Tears welled up in my eyes and I could see her face immediately soften. She grabbed my hand and kissed it, resting it against her cheek.
“I’m not ready,” I told her, my voice choked.
“Yes, you are honey,” she said softly. “You just don’t want to be.”
I shook my head, sniffling, “I’m not Mel.”
She frowned, “You’re stronger than this Angela. You were always the strong one. Always. This will break you if you don’t fight it.”
“I’m already broken.”
“No, you’re not. You may feel it, but I can still see that fire that we all love about you in your eyes. It hasn’t gone out yet, but if you let it, you’re going to disappear.” She began to get teary eyed. “I don’t want you to disappear.”
My chest was tightening and it was getting harder to breathe through my tears, “It hurts so much, Mel.”
She cried with me, “I know honey. But you have to try.”
I didn’t say anything for a minute or so, and she spoke up again, “Brian’s been calling.”
I quickly looked at her, my breath caught in my throat.
“He’s been asking about you. He’s stopped by a lot too, but I keep telling him you just need some time to yourself. He’s very persistent.”
I struggled to organize my thoughts, “Why haven’t you told me?”
“I didn’t know if it would upset you.”
“What has he said?”
She knew what I wanted her to say, and I knew she wouldn’t lie to me, “He’s worried about you. He misses you.”
“Does he know I’ve been… like this?” I asked a bit worried.
She shook her head, “No.”
Part of me wanted him to know, for the simple fact that I knew he would flip out. He would have been in here the second he found out. On the other hand, it’s best that he doesn’t know. It wouldn’t help anything.
She searched my face, trying to find what would be the right thing to say next. She couldn’t find anything, so she did what I would have done. She went back to trying to get me out of bed.
“Come downstairs?”
“Maybe tomorrow Melissa,” I said softly, taking my hand from hers. She nodded, her devastation evident. A few extra tears left her eyes, “Okay.”
With that, she got up, and softly closed the door behind her. Except for the birds and the leaves, silence once again greeted me. I closed my eyes and wished for everything to disappear.
So why did I greet this silence? Because if I allow for any sort of distraction to break this silence, it would mean moving on. I wasn’t ready to move on. I wasn’t ready to forget.
I opened my eyes and transfixed them once again on the wall of photos. I landed on one in particular. It was only of him. He was in a beige sweater with a beanie over his head. He grinned goofily at the camera. He had been shoveling snow outside and when I called his name, he turned his head and immediately smiled. I loved that smile, more than anything.
I clenched my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from seeping out once again. I remember when I had first saw that smile, I nearly lost my balance. I remember when I first saw that smile, my life had changed.
