[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Brian's View

I stared down at my left hand intently, twisting the wedding band around my finger. I hated this. I hated how we fought or that we even fought at all. I hated the things that I had said to her. I was angry and things flew out of my mouth without a second thought, and I regretted it. But did she? Did she really not want me anymore?

Melissa’s View

It had been two days since Brian had made his surprise visit and Angela was none the wiser. The combination of losing Isabelle and then losing Brian has been incredibly hard on her. She had confided in Ben and I before their big falling out. She was upset because of how bad things had gotten between the two of them. She loved him dearly and she felt fault in their ever growing gap between them. She blamed herself for everything. For losing Isabelle and for pushing Brian away. I know now that she must be feeling loneliness never felt before among any of us. I don’t think she realized how much she needed Brian until he wasn’t there anymore.

Ben looked down at his cup of coffee in the kitchen. I glanced over at him and he raised his eyes to meet mine. He knew without me saying anything what needed to be done. Angela wasn’t getting up or making any progress in getting better. We had tried everything we knew how but we were failing. We didn’t know what else to do but call him.

Brian’s View

I glanced from my ring to the cell phone vibrating on the table next to me. Without much emotion, I got up and without looking at who was calling, answered.

“Hello?”

“Brian, it’s Melissa,” she sounded a bit uneasy, as if she didn’t know how I’d respond. I was confused to say the least.

“Uh, hi Mel, what’s going on?” I asked, sitting back down on the bed.

“It’s just, it’s Angela,” she replied. I became a little nervous, “Is she okay?”

“Eh… not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that she needs you,” she cleared her throat and continued, “When you came over before, Angie was home.”

I was more confused, “Wha-“

“She’s been home for weeks.”

“I don’t understand.”

“She hasn’t left the house since you left. She hasn’t even gotten out of bed. Ben and I have been over nearly everyday to try and get her up, but she won’t budge. We don’t know what to do anymore. We thought it would be best to keep you away, to see if she could heal without you there, but she’s not. She misses you and she needs you. We can’t help her Brian.”

I was speechless. A bit of relief washed over me when I heard the words of her needing me, but then anger quickly set in. How dare they keep this information from me.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked angrily. “She’s my wife for God’s sake.”

She was a little taken aback and she fumbled over her words, “Brian, I.. we, we just thought that-“

I cut her off, “I don’t want to hear it. As grateful as I am that you've been taking care of her, you should have told me.”

Melissa quickly interjected, "You left her Brian. How do you think this all started?"

My anger subsided a little bit, realizing the resounding truth in that statement. I was partially responsible and it was nonesense to push blame onto anyone else. I sighed, "You're right Mel. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me. You need to come talk to her."

"I'm already out the door," I said, gathering my keys and wallet.

"Me and Ben are leaving here in a few to give you guys some privacy," she said. As I exited the room and rushed to my car, I quickly told her thanks and hung up.

I drove as quickly as possible to our home. The home that I hadn’t stayed in weeks. My life was in that house and I had been stripped of that. I parked in front of the double doors, noticing that neither Ben nor Melissa’s cars were there. I entered the house and was greeted by complete silence. It was eerie really. It was unwelcoming.

Instead of rushing up the stairs, I took time to glance in the living room. Nothing had changed and nothing had been moved. Not even the flower vase that I always moved so I could see the TV. I’d have to move it every night, and Angela, sometime during the day before I got home, or even before we’d go to bed, would move it back. But it wasn’t moved back when I looked at it. I had been watching TV the night I went out with AJ and the boys. I remember watching ESPN and having to slightly move the vase to the left to see the TV clearly. It was still in that place now. Angela hadn’t been down to move it back.

I tore my eyes away from the living room table to the stairs. There was still silence. I slowly made my way up, slightly cringing at the boards creaking beneath me. I felt like I didn’t belong. It felt like it wasn’t even my house.

I made my way down the corridor to the bedroom door. It was closed and I lightly put my ear to the door. I listened for a few moments and heard nothing. I gently grabbed a hold of the door handle and turned, slowly pushing the door open. The room was dark, but the light trying to push through the closed curtains made the room glow a bit.

I noticed a few pictures had been taken off the wall, setting the symmetry off balance. My eyes traveled to the bed. The sheets were strewn about and a bump was seen under the covers. She was facing the wall on her side and she didn’t take the time to acknowledge that the door had opened.

I moved towards the bed slowly, taking care not to startle her. I stopped when my foot came in contact with a crinkled piece of paper. I bent down and picked it up, smoothing it out. Angela’s handwriting jumped up at me. Glancing over it, I found them to be lyrics, and my heart dropped at their words.

Grace

I’m on my knees,
Only memories,
Are left for me to hold

Don’t know how,
But I’ll get by,
Slowly pull myself together

There’s no escape,
So keep me safe,
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily,
Fill this empty space,
Nothing is like it seems,
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold,
Loneliness unfold,
Like from another world

Come what may,
I won’t fade away,
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily,
Fill this empty space,
Nothing is like it was,
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily,
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace,
I’ve lost everything.
I just want to feel your embrace.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you

My eyes blurred and I swallowed hard, lowering the paper. I looked over at the unmoving figure on the bed. How could I have been such a fool?

As I moved around the bed, I saw that she wasn’t asleep. I set down the paper and saw that she was staring at the wall intently. She was deep in thought and sadness was etched all over her face. Though I know I had to have come into her peripheral vision, she didn’t look over at me.

I slowly crouched down in front of her, my heart aching inside of my chest. Seeing her this way broke my heart and I blamed myself for putting her in this position. Her eyes switched to look at my face, but she didn’t seem to be surprised that it was me sitting in front of her. She didn’t say a word, but only looked. Recognition appeared on her face, and she seemed to have grown sadder.

I croaked when I first began to speak, but quickly cleared my throat. I talked softly, “Angela, sweetheart.”

I gently stroked her cheek and put a bit of hair behind her ear.

“I’m here, honey,” I still spoke with the same softness. I was trying my hardest to keep my composure. She quickly broke down, tears seeping out of her eyes.

“You left me,” she whispered. The tears that I was holding back broke free when she said those words. I nodded, quickly grabbing her hand and squeezing it tight, “I know baby and I shouldn’t have. I’m an idiot. I reacted in a way I shouldn’t have. I was just angry and with everything that happened…” I paused, searching her face. “I miss you Angela.”

She didn’t respond, but only continued crying. She didn’t move to remove her hand from my grasp, which seemed a good sign. I looked around the room, at the tissues and the empty glasses. I tried wiping my tears away, but a few kept slipping by.

“Why didn’t you call me love? I would have been here in an instant,” I said, looking back at her. She slowly sat up and looked down at me, “I didn’t know if you would come. You said you didn’t want me anymore.”

I shook my head, “I want you Angela, like I’ve always wanted you. I didn’t mean the things that I said. It was a situation that shouldn’t have happened.”

She stared at me intently a few moments longer and then softly said, “How did we get here? How did we end up this way?”

I got up and took a seat next to her. I still held her hand in mine and I brought it to my lips and softly kissed her fingertips. I looked over at her sadly, shaking my head slowly, “I don’t know sweetheart.”

She started to cry a little harder, “I hurt so much inside Brian.”

She leaned into me and I quickly put my arm around her, hugging her to me close.

“I do too honey. It won’t ever let up. It’s been eating away at me for over a year and I want it to stop. Not having you there with me only made things worse Angie.”

She looked up at me, sniffling, “Having you not here made it worse too. I didn’t realize how much I needed you and how much you helped me until you weren’t there anymore.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I could feel her body move as she breathed in and out. I closed my eyes and relished it. I had forgotten how soft her skin was and how comforting her voice could be.

“What do you think our lives would be like if Isabelle were here?”

I opened my eyes to see her staring at me sadly. I squeezed her gently, “Better.”

She nodded as if she already knew the answer. Her hand went to her stomach and I could hear her begin to cry again.

“Angela, please don’t,” I replied. She tried sniffling back her tears but it only seemed to make things worse, “Don’t what? Cry?”

She sat up, shying away from me.

“It’s upsetting, I don’t want to see you hurting,” I said. She let out a small laugh, “You watched me hurting for months and didn’t seem to care.”

I looked at her hurt, not understanding where this was coming from all of a sudden, “Angie, we were having a civil conversation, don’t bring it down.”

She stood up, looking down at me. I think the realization of me actually being here in front of her just hit her, and everything seemed to rush back, “It’s always me bringing us down is it? Then why did you come here?”

I stood up, anger growing inside of me, “Because I care about you!”

“If you cared, you wouldn’t have left!”

I yelled in frustration, clenching my fists, “You’re impossible Angela! You don’t listen to me!” I raised my hands, running my fingers through my hair.

“You left me Brian,” she said more quietly. I turned towards her once again, “And I shouldn’t have, I know this. It was just too overwhelming.”

“But you don’t turn and walk away from me, you talk to me,” she said. I laughed, “Easier said than done.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked defensively.

“It means you’re not the best person to ‘talk’ to. You shut me out Angela.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did, maybe you didn’t realize it, but you did. I was there for you until you stopped caring, I was there for you even a little after that, but you became so cold towards me Angela. I gave up.”

She looked at me sadly, “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

“I did Angela! How many fucking times do I have to tell you, I did! Why didn’t you fight for ME?”

She flinched, a few tears escaping her eyes, “Because I didn’t have the strength to.”

Her words cut through my already present wounds, “I didn’t have strength either, but at least I tried.”

“What did you want me to do Brian?” she cried.

“Try!”

“I did! We did! We went to therapy…”

“Therapy was bullshit Angela, you know that. You didn’t listen to them, and neither did I.”

She shook her head, “If only you didn’t work so often.”

I barked out a harsh laugh, “Don’t fucking blame me working too much on this.”

“But it’s true! You were never there anymore!”

“What the hell did you want me to do Angela? You got fired and someone had to pay the bills!”

She was crying hard and she tried desperately to wipe them away, “Stop yelling Brian!”

I threw my hands up in exasperation, “Jesus Angie, I don’t know what to do!”

She didn’t say anything, but slowly sat back down on the bed. I looked down at her, heaving from frustration. I slowly began to calm down and my anger dissipated again. I croaked, “I don’t know what to do.”

She continued crying, looking down at her hands.

“I hate fighting with you. I hate yelling…” I stopped. “I hate this.”

She looked up at me, “Don’t you think that I hate this too?”

She was breaking my heart all over again. I had never felt so much pain than I did when I was with her.

“We used to be so happy.”

She tried sniffling her tears back, but only failed.

“Do you still want me Angela?”

She looked up at me, rolling her eyes slightly as if it were a dumb question, “Come on, Brian.”

I then said the words I had been dreading to say, the words that I never wanted to escape my lips. I stumbled over my words, trying to force them out, “Do you want a divorce?”

She looked at me taken aback, her eyes slightly wide and in shock, “No, Brian, I don’t want a divorce.”

“Then do you still want me Angela?”

There was a pause and then, “Do you want me?” she asked, staring at me intently. I sighed, trying to fight tears back, “God, yes.”

She licked her lips and she once again wiped the tears from her cheeks to only have them once again coated. She looked down at her hands, fiddling with her hands.

“I blame myself.”

I didn’t say anything. She looked up at me and repeated the words, “I blame myself.”

Her lip trembled and her hands were shaking, “I blame myself for everything. For Isabelle, for you, for me.”

My heart sank in my chest and I went and sat next to her. I reached for her hand but she pulled away, standing up and moving towards the wall.

“I pushed you away. I know that you’re hurting, I know that she’s your daughter too, but when I fell,” she paused, fresh tears beginning to take hold, “I felt nothing but her.”

I looked up at her sadly. She continued, “When I rolled down the stairs, I could only think of protecting her, and I couldn’t. There was just so much blood...”

She stopped again, trying to regain her composure, but failing, “I felt her struggling, I felt her pain.”

She was crying so hard, “Brian, I felt her die.”

Tears escaped my eyes and I immediately got up. I wrapped my arms around her and she didn’t pull back. I pulled her to me close. She gripped me tightly and her tears spread on my shirt. She cried into my shoulder, “I felt her die. She was there and then she wasn’t.”

I closed my eyes, resting my head on hers, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shook her head, “I didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

I pulled back and put her head in my hands. She looked up at me expectantly. I leaned in and kissed her softly. When I pulled back, she pursed her lips and closed her eyes. I rubbed her temples softly, leaning my forehead onto hers.

“It’s not your fault Angie,” I said softly. “It’s not your fault.”

“Then why can’t I get past this guilt?”

“I can’t get past it either love,” I said. “And I doubt we ever fully will. We have to move on from this though, or else we’re not going to make it. We’re going to lose each other and we aren’t going to be able to find one another again.”

She looked up at me, understanding in her eyes.

“We have to try again,” I said. Fear crossed her face, “I don’t know if I can do that Brian.”

“Not now, but when you’re ready. When we’re both ready. ”

She slowly nodded. I continued, “We can’t let this ruin our lives.”

I pushed some of her hair back and she raised her hands to grasp my wrists. I slightly smiled for the first time since I got here. I looked over her face, relishing her under my fingers, “I missed you.”

She looked into my eyes, “I missed you.”

“I love you, Angela, forever, you know that?”

She nodded.

I pulled her towards me again and wrapped her in another large hug, “I love you so much.”

I kissed her cheek and then rested my head against hers, closing my eyes. Her next words were barely audible, but yet so full of emotion. She whispered, “I still want you. I never stopped wanting you.” She paused, burying her head into my neck, “I love you and I’m sorry.”

I frowned, “I’m sorry, too.”

We stood there in silence, holding one another, not moving. We were closer than we had been in months, and for that I was grateful. I took it as a step forward. We had a long way to go, and we were still going to have problems, but I knew at that moment that things were going to be okay. We would never fully heal because that would be forgetting Isabelle altogether. At least now, Angela and I could try and heal as much as we could together. At least now we can start to have our lives back.


The lyrics in this chapter are originally Kate Havnevik's 'Grace'.