Present Day
Brian’s View
I sat in my car, gazing through the window up at the house before me. We had made a life in that house. A strong one too, until everything came crumbling down. Now here I am, alone and depressed, not knowing what to do. What do I do?
I’m lost.
I know I should be strong, but it’s hard to be. I’m supposed to be the man, and I tried, but it got too difficult. I keep telling myself that this will end up okay in the end, but it seems that I’m just fooling myself.
I mean, who am I kidding? She won’t return my phone calls, she won’t see me. I’m living out of a hotel room for God’s sake. I don’t belong there. I belong here, in this house, with my wife whom I adore more than anything.
But then why am I not there? I partially knew the reason. I had given up. Somewhere along the way, I had given up. I had stopped trying to be there. I wanted to be, but it hurt too much. It was hard coming home to a house where my wife was always crying. She tried to hide it, but I always knew. She’d lie on her side of the bed and I could feel her body shaking from her pain, I could hear her weep silently over the sink while cleaning dishes. I cried too, but I became numb after a little while. I tried to be there, but it got too hard.
It got too hard.
I know that’s not a good enough reason. I can only imagine the abandonment she must have felt. Must still feel. I was an idiot, and I was scared, and most of all, completely overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and for that, I fucked up both of our lives. I fucked up OUR life. The life that we built together.
I haven’t seen her in nearly two weeks and everyday it gets harder. I realize now that even though our home life situation had gone down the drain, she was still my sanity. Now that I’m alone and now that I haven’t seen or heard from her, I feel absolutely lost. I feel empty.
I miss her to no end. I’d give anything to be able to walk into that house again, knowing she’d be there. I miss her touch, her eyes, her demeanor, her perfume, her humming, her kisses, and the way she told me she loved me. I’d give anything to hear those words from her mouth again.
I remember the first time she said them. We had been dating for about three months. Those three months were absolutely perfect. We saw each other nearly everyday and everyday was always an adventure, even if we did something low key and redundant.
I remember I was over at her apartment and we had just gotten done eating dinner. I had cooked her chicken parmesan and she had absolutely loved it. We were always a team, right from the start, in everything that we ever did, and cleaning dishes wasn’t any different. I would wash them and then I’d hand them off to her to dry. There we would be, just the two of us, standing in front of the sink, and we never complained or tried to weasel our way out of it. I can only speak for myself, but I’d like to think she thought of it the same way, but it was those kinds of moments that I loved most. It was just being next to her, doing something as trivial as cleaning dishes that I looked forward too. It was in moments like those that I felt closest to her. And that night, I remember us standing there in silence. It wasn’t awkward silence, but serene and calm. There wasn’t really anything to say. We had just gotten done eating, and after we washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, we were going to go cuddle up and watch a movie on TV. I remember I had just handed her a plate to dry and when she took it, I couldn’t help but smile. This woman before me was absolutely wonderful. How could a woman look so cute just drying a dish? I felt so overwhelmed with love for her at that moment. Of course, I felt love for her always, but at that very moment it just sort of hit me. I not only loved this woman, I was IN love with her. She completely consumed every particle of my existence and it was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. At that moment, there was pure happiness.
I had watched her dry the plate, turning it over gently in her hands, and I just blurted it out. I guess it wasn’t really a blurt. I said it softly, but strongly.
“I love you, Angela.”
She had stopped fiddling with the plate and looked up at me, smiling lightly. There was no surprise on her face as if she were waiting for me to tell her that for months. The calm, but happy look on her face told me that she already knew and that she was content. She didn’t need me to tell her so, though to her, it was nice to finally hear it.
“I love you too, Brian,” she said back. She smiled bigger when the grin appeared on my face. She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my lips. We then looked at each other, still smiling, for one more moment, and then went back to the dishes. That was it. Nothing romantic or grand. I wouldn’t have changed that moment for all the world. I honestly think that it was best that our first exchange of ‘I love you’ played out the way it did, and not in some cheesy way like in the movies, or after we had made love. It was perfect the way it was. I had never heard such sweeter words before in my life, and one would think that the same sort of emotion couldn’t be conveyed each time that little phrase was said, but with Angela, it always seemed like the first time. Every time she told me she loved me, I felt brand new. Even after the thousandth time, I couldn’t get enough of it. I will never get enough of it.
But now it seems that I might not be able to hear those words again. It seems that I may have lost the one that was dearest to me, and for what? Because I was scared? That wasn’t good enough. I needed to make things right.
I sighed deeply and started up the car. Tomorrow would be a new day. Tomorrow would be when I got my life back. Tomorrow would be when I got Angela back.
