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Later That Day

Nick's View

"He said he'd meet us at the mall didn't he?" I asked looking over at AJ. AJ nodded and said, "Yeah."

"Maybe he waited for us some place else," I said. AJ looked over at me and slid his glasses down to his nose, "Do you really believe that?"

I stared at him and then shrugged, "I guess not. Man, why didn't he show up?"

"How should I know? Maybe he got sick or somethin', that's why we're heading over to his house," AJ said.

"Still, do you think he's OK?"

"Normally I'd smack you upside the head and say you were overreacting, but under these circumstances, I'm not going to."

"So you're saying he isn't? Dude, you sure know how to comfort someone."

"Did I say anything? No, but I will be honest and say that something isn't right."

"Did he call you up or somethin'?"

He shook his head.

"How do you know then?"

"I just know," he shrugged. I rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever."

"Ow! What was that for?" I exclaimed, rubbing my head after a hand collided with the side of my head.

"I felt like it," AJ smiled over at me. "OK, we're here, get out of the car."

"Pushy, pushy, maybe I should break off your rear view mirror," I grinned widely at him.

"If you did, you know what would happen wouldn't you?" he smiled the same grin towards me. I mumbled under my breath and got out of the car.

"Looks like Nikki's been here," AJ said, taking his glasses off.

"Why do you say that?"

AJ bent down and picked up something shiney from the asphalt.

"Question answered?" he asked as he held up the silver necklace with the cross dangling from it. I nodded and then said, "You don't think they've been..."

AJ grinned and said, "What the hell do you think? Brian's been lonely, it doesn't surprise me."

I frowned and followed AJ up the steps to the door, "But isn't he still hooked on Leigh?"

"Last time I checked yeah, but I don't see any reason why he can't see other women."

"I know but I mean, is he just using her?" I asked as AJ rang the doorbell. He looked over at me and said, "Does Brian seem like the type of guy to use a girl for sex?"

"Well, no, but he's changed," I pointed out.

"Maybe he has, but he hasn't changed to some asshole shithead."

"True," I nodded.

"Man, he's home. His cars are all here," he stated, glancing at the filled driveway.

"Maybe he's at the beach or somethin'."

AJ frowned and rang the doorbell again.

"No, he would be able to hear it."

"Not unless he's way down the beach."

AJ, being the impatient one he is, decided to just open the door and walk in. I hesitated but followed in after him, closing the door softly behind me.

"Yo Bri! It's Bone and Kaos, you here dude?" AJ yelled out. After AJ's statement, the sound of a car crashing came from the living room.

"He's watching TV," I said walking past AJ and toward the living room.

"Bri?" I asked walking into the room.

"Oh man," AJ said quietly as he walked up next to me. Oh man was right. I couldn't even say anything. I have never seen Brian look the way he did now, ever.

Brian was on a reclining chair, in his boxers, remote on his lap and a shot glass in his left hand. As we walked in, Brian looked over at us with his dirty ruffled up hair, flushed tear streaked face, and red puffy eyes.

"Brian, what happened?" I questioned, quickly walking over to him and kneeling down. Brian looked at me for a second and then moved his eyes slowly toward the TV.

"He's drunk," AJ stated as he picked up a couple of bottles off the floor.

"No, I'm not," Brian croaked.

"Sure as hell looks like it to me. I would know."

"I'm not. I had a few drinks. Leave me alone," Brian grumbled.

"What's wrong Brian?" I asked. I was worried out of my mind.

"Nothing of your concern," he stated.

"I'll beat it out of him," AJ said, cracking his knuckles. Even though I knew he was kidding, I still held out my arm to stop him.

"Is it about Leigh?" I asked quietly. He then took his eyes off the TV and slowly looked over at me.

"Who the hell is Leigh?"

"Don't play stupid," I said.

"Are you talking about the Leigh that I was with for 2 years? Are you talking about the Leigh that I was prepared to marry? Are you talking about the Leigh that left me one morning over some stupid fight? Are you talking about the Leigh that tore my heart out and stomped all over it? Please don't say you are talking about that Leigh, because I warn you, if you are, I am going to kick the living shit out of you," he said staring at me with dull red water filled eyes. His lips barely moved as he spoke. I just stared at him in shock.

"Yes, we're talking about that Leigh, now what the hell is going on? What the hell happened to you?" AJ questioned. Leave it to AJ to be blunt. Brian just turned his attention back to the TV.

I was beginning to get frustrated. I snatched the remote from his lap and turned the TV off, getting to my feet in the process.

"Dammit Brian! What has happened to you!? You haven't been yourself in so long! All of us have been hoping and praying that you would come talk to us about what has been bothering you, but it doesn't look like you're going to do anything! Are you just going to let whatever the hell is bothering you keep bothering you for the rest of your life!?"

"Sounds good to me," he mumbled.

"Lets throw him in the shower," AJ said grabbing Brian's arm firmly and yanking him out of the chair.

"Get the fuck off me!" Brian yelled angrily, yanking his arm violently from AJ's grasp. AJ and I stood there staring at him in, maybe not shock, but bewilderment. Never once has Brian blown up like that.

"You guys have no fucking idea what I have been going through lately! No idea at all! My life is a piece of shit! I have nothing to live for! I'm tired of it! I'm tired of living! I'm tired of singing! I'm tired of touring! I'm tired of having to wake up every morning at 5! I'm tired of dancing! I'm tired of doing those stupid photo shoots! I'm tired of working my ass off! And for what? For what!? To satisfy people all over the world!? What about me!? Huh!? What about me!? I'm supposed to be satisfying me first! Do I look satisfied!? If I do, then you better open your fucking eyes because I'm not! I hate everything right now! Absolutely everything!"

I reached out my hand to touch his arm gently but he pulled away, wiping the tears that were glistening on his cheeks away. There was no point, new tears just replaced them.

"You don't understand what I'm feeling," he said a little calmer. "You don't understand how much pain I'm feeling. I have never in my life felt like this. I didn't even know this type of pain existed, but I found out that it did 6 months ago. 6 months I've been tortured, 6 months I have been covering everything up, hoping that it would go away. Things just got worse, they got so horrible. I can't take it anymore...I can't take it anymore!!!"

"Brian, why didn't you tell us sooner?" I asked softly, tears stinging my eyes. Seeing my best friend in the state he was in just tore my heart out. He didn't deserve to feel the way he was. I always looked up to him, always wanting to be like him, always thinking that he had it perfect, but hearing what he was just saying told me that his life was far from perfect.

"Because I knew that it would ruin the group, I knew that it would ruin friendships. I knew that it would ruin everything. You have no idea how long I wanted to talk to somebody, but everytime that I even thought about telling someone, I would just push the thought away because I thought it would make things worse. I just want to be happy and..." he looked down and closed his eyes tight. Tears fell from his eyes like rain drops. He took in a deep shaky breath and opened his mouth to speak, his bottom lip trembling, "I'm not."

AJ and I stood there not moving, not knowing what to say or do. Everything that had just happened was unbelievable. I couldn't think clearly. I was in utter bewilderment. My best friend, a man who has had such a great life, a man who is part of the most famous boy band around, a man that so many people adore, was in a depression. Even thinking of him being in a depression is absurd.

"What's going on?"

I spun around and saw Nicole standing in the entrance of the living room, staring at us with a look of worry.

"What are you doing here?" Brian croaked, tears flowing from his eyes.

"Brian, what's wrong?" she asked walking further into the room.

"What are you doing here?" he repeated. Nicole looked at him with a very hurt expression and said softly, "I lost my necklace and I thought...I thought I might have left it here."

"Here," AJ said extending his hand with the necklace dangling from his fingers. She gently took it and then said, "Can you guys leave us alone for a couple minutes?"

"Hell no, look at him, we're not leaving him like this," AJ said shaking his head firmly.

"Please," she said looking at us pleadingly. I nodded and said, "Come on Bone."

"But..."

"Just come on," I said grabbing his arm lightly. AJ frowned defeated and slowly walked out after us.

Brian's View

I wiped my cheeks quickly with my shaky hands.

"I'm not going to tell you what's wrong," I stated.

"I don't need to know what's wrong, I already know," she said softly. I looked over at her and found her looking at me worried.

"Then why did you ask what was wrong?"

"To make them think that I needed them to go so you can tell me what was wrong. I heard everything Brian."

"Yeah and you probably think I'm some freak too now huh?"

"Why would I ever think that?" she asked coming closer to me.

"That's what they all think! I'm depressed and when people go into depressions, their friends look at them differently."

"They don't think any differently of you. I don't think any differently of you. You should know that Brian. They're your family. They love you to death, and just by looking at their faces, I could tell that they were scared out of their mind. They're terrified for you Brian and they want to help. So do I."

I shook my head and said, "No one can help me. You don't know how deep I'm in this. You don't know how horrible I feel everyday. You don't know how lonely I am."

Nicole walked in front of me and stood there looking up at me. If any of the guys had come that close, I would had immediately moved away, but I couldn't get myself to do that with Nicole.

She frowned deeply and tilted her head to the side. She raised her hand and gently touched my cheek. She wiped a few of my tears away and softly said, "You'd be surprised."

I looked down at her a little puzzled at what she just said.

"You know I'm here for you right? As are your family and the guys. You aren't alone in this Brian. We're going to help you. Maybe you don't think you can be helped, but you can and you're going to be fine. I just wish you would have talked to somebody before this got out of hand."

"I was scared," I said quietly. "I'm still scared."

She looked up at me and softly stroked my cheek. As hard as it was to believe, her touch made a lot of my pain go away. She then wrapped me in a hug, pulling me to her tightly.

"I'm so scared," I cried into her shoulder. She rubbed my back and said, "You won't be for long. You're going to be OK. Come one, you need to get some rest."

She pulled away and looked up into my face. I took in a shaky breath and nodded. She slightly smiled and took my hand, leading me out of the room and up the stairs.

Nicole's View

"Don't tell me you're going to go screw him to make him feel better," I heard AJ mumble. I knew Brian didn't hear it but if he did, he would have blown up once more which didn't really need to happen right now. Nick punched his arm and said, "Shut up AJ."

"He needs to rest, I'm taking him to his room," I said not looking back.

"Is he going to be OK?" Nick asked, his voice full of worry. I let go of Brian's hand and let him walk down the hall. I then turned around and gave him an assuring smile, "He's going to be."

Nick nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

I walked down the hall toward Brian's room. I looked in and found him sitting on his bed looking down at his hands that were resting quietly in his lap, crying lightly to himself. I walked in and over to him.

"Lie down," I softly said, pulling back his covers. He silently laid down and sunk down into the white covers. I brought the covers up over his body and kneeled down next to him.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out. I looked down at him and asked, "Why?"

"About earlier, about how I blew up at you. I didn't mean to yell the way I did. I know I hurt you, I could tell by the look on your face. It's just that with everything going on, I guess when you didn't answer me, I just kind of...blew up."

"You don't need to be sorry. You should only be sorry when you did something wrong, and you didn't do anything wrong OK?" I said softly. He looked into my eyes and even though his mouth wasn't smiling, his eyes were.

"Nicole, I need to tell you something..."

"Tell me later. Right now you need to rest," I said. He stared at me for a moment and then nodded. I began to get up but he lightly touched my hand, "Will you stay until I fall asleep?"

I looked down at him and smiled, "Of course."

Brian's View

I sighed and closed my eyes. All the crying that I had just got done doing made me extremely tired. Just lying in that bed for a minute almost made me fall asleep in an instant, but before I could drift off to sleep, a soft soothing voice filled the air. It took me a minute to actually figure out what it was, and when I did, I was sort of shocked. Nicole was singing. I knew her voice was beautiful but I didn't know it was this beautiful. It was like an angel was singing.

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by, if you smile through your fears and sorrows, smile let me be tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through...if you...light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying...smile...what's the use in crying? You'll find that life is still worth while...if you...just...smile..."

Her voice faded away and when she was done, she slowly got up, kissed my cheek softly and whispered in my ear, "Just smile."

After I heard my door close lightly, as hard as it was not to, I smiled.