until you have truly loved,
and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have lost it.
~Anonymous
Leslie stood with her legs spread apart as she bent forward, flattening her palms on the floor. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the muscles in the back of her legs stretch. Music blared through her ear buds, the fast paced rock pumping her up.
She took another breath and counted to five before she walked her fingers towards her right foot, counting to five once more before moving towards her left foot. She straightened herself out again and pressed her left hand against the wall to steady herself as she brought her right leg up towards her head.
The rest of the dancers around her stretched in their own ways, some talking to each other, others listening to their iPods, siking themselves up for that night’s show. They had only 15 minutes left and their nerves were beginning to kick in. One thing they could all agree on was that no matter how many times they’ve been on stage, they still all got butterflies in their stomachs. It was more excitement than anything.
A knock sounded at the door and only a few dancers turned their heads in curiosity to see who had interrupted their rituals. Brian stood in the doorway in full costume, his microphone already hooked up, “Is Leslie here?”
Michael, one of the male dancers closest to the door, nodded, jerking his head towards the back of the room. When Brian looked to where he indicated, Michael looked across the room, meeting the eyes of several of the other dancers. They all smirked, trying to hide their unspoken knowledge.
Brian spotted Leslie, her eyes closed, stretching. She made no indication that she had heard anything. He crossed the room, feeling eyes boring into him. He lightly touched Leslie’s shoulder and her eyes snapped open, meeting his. She looked shocked to see him, quickly removing her ear buds, “Hi.”
“Can I talk to you outside for a moment?” he asked quietly. He glanced behind him at some of the dancers, immediately noticing their stares. Some quickly looked away, while others stared knowingly.
“Sure,” she said, following him across the room into the hallway. He led her further down, turning into a corridor that was nearly empty, only a few stage hands running past.
Leslie had followed him, knowing full well what he wanted to talk about. Ever since Leighanne had come back, she hadn’t gone to see him. In fact, she’d been avoiding him. She had a feeling that Leighanne was hiding something and it made her nervous. It was in the way Leighanne looked at her and in the way she spoke to her. But what really bothered her was seeing both her and Brian together. She had stupidly forgotten that he had another woman in his life, a woman that had him first. She was so wrapped up in what they had that she had blocked everything else out. She forgot that he cared for Leigh, and she was rudely awakened to this fact by seeing them being openly affectionate with one another. It hurt her, as much as she hated to admit it, and though she tried to tell herself that she was being a petty, irrational girl, she still had become angry and bitter.
She was pissed off to say the least. She was pissed off at Brian for rubbing it in her face that she wasn’t the only woman in his life. She was even more pissed off that she even allowed herself to get angry over something that was out of her control. Why should she care that Brian and Leighanne were together? She had Nick didn’t she? She knew her feelings were stupid, but they wouldn’t go away.
“What is it?” Leslie asked as Brian came to a stop further into the corridor. She glanced around nervously. Brian sighed, taking Leslie’s hand and kissing it. She pulled back slightly, “Brian, don’t. Not here.”
He eyed her carefully, lowering his voice, “Why have you been avoiding me?”
“I’m not avoiding you,” she said shortly.
“Oh really? I must be blind then. You ignore me whenever I try and talk to you, you look the other way when I get near you, and you haven’t come to see me in over a week. If that’s not avoiding, then I’d love to know what the hell it is.”
Leslie shrugged, not wanting to discuss this at the current moment, not when they still had a show to do. She averted her gaze and heard him sigh heavily, “I’m going crazy Leslie. I need to see you.”
She looked up at him, “Leighanne’s here Brian, how can we?”
“Is that it? Is that why you won’t come to me?” he asked, grabbing her hand again, trying to pull her closer to him.
She looked back up at him, shuffling her feet nervously. When he had touched her, she felt her anger budge slightly, but she fought to contain herself, hardening her demeanor once more, “That’s not the only reason.”
“Then what? You’ve barely talked to me, let alone looked at me. I miss you,” he pleaded.
She shook her head, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”
He stared at her dumbfounded, “What? Leslie, what are you talking about?”
She looked at him sadly, “I see how you are with her. You love her.”
He didn’t respond, looking at her eyes as they began to sting with tears. Where was this coming from? They were fine, more than fine, until Leighanne came back. Since then, they hadn’t been alone together. Not only that, but Leslie was flat out avoiding him. She wouldn’t talk to him, and if he acknowledged her, she’d only respond with what was necessary. She just seemed to stop, with everything.
He was confused, frustrated, and antsy. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve a cold shoulder from someone he had grown so close to. He had tried getting her alone several times to talk, but each time would fall through. Now here he was in Brazil, right before a show, not being able to concentrate. Leighanne had watched him as he paced back and forth in his dressing room, not saying anything but watching. Brian had finally sighed, saying he needed to get some air, and left in search of Leslie.
“You kiss her and hug her. You tell her you love her, all right in front of me. You call her baby,” she whispered harshly, glancing at a stagehand as they rushed behind her. She emphasized the word ‘baby’ as if using it with Leighanne was disgraceful. She continued softly, “How do you think that makes me feel?”
Brian narrowed his eyes at her, “What do you want me to do Leslie? I can’t just push her aside and act like we aren’t engaged.”
Her eyes were watery at this point, “I don’t like seeing you with her.”
Brian shook his head, in disbelief that this conversation was even happening, “And I like seeing you with Nick?”
She didn’t respond, so he continued, unable to stop the anger growing within him, “I’ve had to deal with seeing you and Nick everyday since the tour started. How is this any different?”
“I don’t know Brian!” she burst.
Brian was taken aback by her sudden outburst, looking up and down the corridor worriedly. He turned back to her, lowering his voice, “I don’t like this anymore than you do, but it is what it is.”
A few tears slipped from her eyes and she quickly tried wiping them away. Brian softened at this and stepped towards her, only to be met with her stepping back, “I can’t do this, not anymore. I won’t be that woman.”
Brian’s heart stopped at these words and his mouth went dry, “What woman?”
She shook her head, more tears falling from her eyes. She sniffled, trying to not look him in the eye, but being drawn to him anyway, “I’m not a whore.”
Brian furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her concerned, “Leslie, you’re not a whore. You’re a wonderful, caring woman.”
She continued to shake her head, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
Brian sighed, taking her into his arms. She let him, weakening. She allowed him to hug her closely, having missed his warmth. He leaned his head against hers, “Don’t do this, please.”
She pulled away from him then, forcing herself to not give in to his soft embraces, “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asked desperately.
“Act like everything’s okay.”
He stared at her, not knowing what to say. He was unprepared for all of this. He didn’t know what to do. She sighed, frantically wiping away her tears. Her anger had returned, her voice shaking, “I hope you’re happy with her.”
She began walking down the hall and he quickly moved after her, grabbing her arm and making her turn to him, “I’m happy with you Leslie!”
She flinched, his words triggering something in her that she was trying to contain, “You sure don’t act like it!”
Brian cried out desperately, throwing his hands in the air in frustration, “What the hell do you want me to do!? I don’t understand where this is coming from!”
Leslie had tried to contain herself, knowing full well that now was not the time to lay out everything she was feeling, but with Brian standing there before her, anger clearly getting the best of him, she couldn’t contain herself. She spat, “Her! She hangs all over you, all the fucking time! It’s disgusting. And you let her! You encourage her! She walks around flaunting that gorgeous ring and I hear her boasting about how she forgot how good you are in bed! And then you walk in and hug her and kiss her and compliment her, all in front of me!”
“You do the same damned thing with Nick! But do you see me getting bent out of shape over it? No!” he exclaimed. One of the roadies had stopped in his tracks and stared at the two yelling people in the hallway. Brian saw him and snapped, “What are you looking at!?”
The man quickly looked away and scurried down the hallway. Brian turned back to Leslie, her face filled with anger.
She continued lowly, her voice shaking, “If it doesn’t bother you, then why are you bringing it up now?”
Brian groaned, clenching his fists, “You started this, not me!”
“We both started this!” she yelled. “You want me to come to you after you blatantly ignore me!? You want me to just let all of this roll off my shoulders like it doesn’t bother me, all because you want a good fuck!?”
He flinched at those words, significantly lowering his voice, “It’s not fucking Leslie. Not with you. It’s more than that and you know it!”
“I don’t care! You practically spit in my face every time you kiss her in front of me! If it means so much to you, then why would you willingly try to hurt me!?”
Brian was pacing now, sighing heavily. Leslie stood a few feet from him, her arms crossed over her chest. She glared at him, not saying anything, waiting. He stopped, looking at her angrily. After a few moments of them staring each other down, Brian exclaimed exasperated, “She’s my fiancée!”
She narrowed her eyes, repeating what he said, “She’s your fiancée. So what am I?”
Brian stumbled over his words, so overcome with frustration that he couldn’t think straight, “You’re…you’re…”
“Just a girl?”
“You’re Nick’s girlfriend,” he said lowly.
She nodded, clearly hurt by his words. Is that all she really was to him?
She nearly whispered, choking up, “That’s right. I’m Nick’s girlfriend. Not yours.”
“Not mine,” he said more quietly, letting those words sink in. His anger was dissipating, though it still sizzled. He didn’t like finally admitting to himself that Leslie was indeed not his. She belonged to someone else.
They stared at each other for a few more moments and were interrupted by loud announcements of ‘5 minutes!’ ringing throughout the corridors. They never once tore their glaring eyes away from one another, until finally, Leslie rolled her eyes, turned on her heel, and walked away.
Brian didn’t stop her.
Brian looked out to the dance floor from their booth in the VIP section. Lights were flashing, music was blaring, the bass pounding through the air. The place was packed and the heat generated from all the bodies was nearly stifling. He could see AJ out grinding against one of the girl dancers, only a friendly dance he knew.
Leighanne had opted out of coming, for she was never into clubbing, or dancing for that matter. Brian wasn’t sure why he had come out. He knew he wanted to try and get his mind off of his fight with Leslie, but how could he when she was here with Nick? He cursed AJ under his breath, wondering why he had given in to his pleas to come with.
“What?” Howie glanced at Brian, taking a sip of his beer.
Brian turned to him, “What?”
“I thought I heard you say something,” he shrugged.
Brian shook his head, turning his attention back to the dance floor. He scooted out of the booth and made his way to the railing, glancing down at the dancing bodies only a foot or so below him.
He spotted Leslie then across the room with Nick. Brian looked at them puzzled, not expecting the sight before him. They were standing near the bar and they were clearly arguing, at least that’s what it looked like. Nick’s face was obviously contorted in anger and Leslie was busy yelling, her hands gesturing wildly. She pointed to the dance floor in the midst of their interaction and he grabbed her arms, shaking her slightly, yelling back. She pushed him off and he yelled something after her as she pushed through the crowd to get away from him. Nick threw his hands in the air in frustration, shaking his head. He grabbed a beer off the bar and pushed his way through the dancing bodies, towards the VIP section. Brian watched him carefully, following him as he climbed the few stairs, passing the body guards.
“Fucking hell,” he growled, running his hand through his hair as he approached Brian.
“What was that about?” Brian asked curiously.
Nick leaned against the railing next to Brian, raising his eyebrows, “You saw that?”
Brian nodded and Nick sighed, shaking his head, “She’s gone mental Rok. She was screaming at me about dancing with some chick on the dance floor.”
“Well were you?”
“Was I what?” he asked in confusion.
“Were you dancing with some chick?”
“Yeah, but what does that matter? She left me on the floor to go to the bathroom, and some girl started dancing up on me, so I just went for it. It didn’t mean anything. She came up and dragged me off the floor, yelling about how she can't trust me and how she's obviously not enough for me. It's like she caught me cheating or something. It's fucking ridiculous."
Brian turned his gaze back to the dance floor, knowing full well why Leslie had snapped at Nick the way she did. The fact that she was already angry only shortened her fuse, but the fact that she was already feeling insecure and betrayed when it came to men, seeing Nick with another girl had probably been too much for her.
“Where’d she go?” Brian asked, searching the dance floor.
“Who the hell knows. She’s fucking PMSing, so I’m leaving her the hell alone,” he grumbled. He turned and made his way to their designated booth, sliding in next to Howie, grabbing one of the shots that were in the middle of the table for the taking.
Brian turned his attention back to the mass of dancing bodies, trying to spot a head of blonde hair and the glint of a red dress. Finally, he spotted her, and his heart jumped into his throat at the sight before him. She was dancing to the pounding music of DJ Tiesto, her body moving to the beat. She threw her arms in the air, rolling her hips, her movements seductive and sexy. She looked gorgeous, that much was obvious, but that’s not all that caught his eye. He was staring at the man next to her, his hands roaming over her. She danced up on him, grinding her hips against his.
Anger and jealously immediately boiled within Brian. Was this how she was going to be from then on? Was dancing up on some guy for shock value her way of getting back at him and Nick? She knew what she was doing. She knew that it would piss him off, and that angered him even more.
He pushed away from the railing and rushed down the few stairs past the body guards. He pushed through sweaty, heated bodies, squeezing in between dancing couples, anger driving him through to get to her. He found her then, the man standing behind her, his hands on her hips. The look on his face would have been comical if it had been any other girl, but right then it only infuriated him more. He stepped forward and grabbed Leslie’s arm, yanking her away from the guy. The man stood there in disbelief, staring after them. Leslie looked at Brian shocked, being dragged through the dance floor. He held her upper arm tightly, plowing through.
He broke through the mass of bodies and swung her forward, pushing her in front of him to the spot he had seen her and Nick yelling before. She grabbed her arm where he had grabbed her and she looked at him in shock and anger, “Brian, what-“
“What the hell are you doing!?” he yelled.
She didn’t say anything and he grabbed her again, pulling her towards the wall. She yanked back her arm, screaming, “Get off me!”
He pushed her against the wall, yelling at her, “What the hell are you doing out there!?”
She glared at him, “Why do you care?”
“Because you look like a slut! You’re embarrassing yourself!”
She pushed him, “What right do you have to tell me what to do!?”
“Don’t push me Leslie,” he growled.
She pushed him again, looking at him in a mocking manner. He shook his head, clenching his jaw. She then pushed him again, and then again, her eyes beginning to overflow with tears. He snatched her hand when she went to push him again, “Stop it!”
She yanked her hand from his and he continued, “Have some fucking dignity for crying out loud! You’re making a fool out of me! You’re making a-“
“I’m not yours!” she screamed. He stopped and stared at her, dumbfounded. She pushed him again and he let her, “I’m not your girlfriend! I’m not yours to push around and yell at! I’m not yours to boss around! I’m not yours, so stop acting like I am!”
He stood there, the music blaring in his ears. He could feel the vibrations of the music through his body, but what he really felt was the aching in his heart. Her words had hurt him.
“I’m not yours!” she repeated, tears streaming down her face. She pushed past him and he let her go, not looking after her. He looked down at the floor, letting her words sink in. She was right. What right did he have? It wasn’t his place.
He felt embarrassed for what he had just done, kicking himself for letting his jealousy and anger get the best of him. She really wasn’t his. She was Nick’s. It didn’t really hit him how much he hated this fact until then.
He had been foolish and reckless, allowing what had come to pass this night, both at the arena and here, to overcome his rational. He had let his feelings get the best of him, losing his self control. He realized then that he cared for her more than he had initially thought. He had never gotten so angry over a girl before, had never gotten so jealous. He never even thought he was capable of such strong emotions, but at the same time, he wasn’t surprised. Leslie always brought something out of him that no one else could.
As he stood there in that heated club, the music blaring, people pushing past him, it finally dawned on him. She was everything to him. She was everything but his.
