Whatever our souls are made of,
his and mine are the same.
~”Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte
“Check, one, two,” Nick breathed into the microphone. The speakers screeched and his voice echoed. Everyone flinched, looking towards the sound booth. They saw the three men behind the controls, waving at them to stop using their microphones.
Rehearsals were always annoying for the boys because they had to constantly wait for the kinks to be worked out. Most of the time the boys just stood around, wasting time and being goofy, waiting to be told what to do next. By the time they really got down to rehearsing, a couple hours have already passed by.
AJ crouched down, his microphone held loosely in his hands. He closed his eyes, hearing Nick pound on the top of his microphone, his way of trying to be funny and annoying. Brian sat up on one of the stage platforms that held the drums, swinging his legs back and forth, looking up and staring at the ceiling a little too intently. Howie was on the opposite side of the stage, whistling and flipping his microphone through the air.
It had been a few days since their Thanksgiving break and they were well rested, for the most part. In AJ’s eyes, it was always nice to be on stage, no matter how tired he was. It was an adrenaline rush. It was addicting.
He and Brian had talked little since the fiasco on Thanksgiving night, more so due to Brian avoiding him than AJ ignoring Brian. AJ knew Brian was terrified of what he’d do, worried that he’d change his mind on his decision to tell Leighanne and Nick. He had a right to worry about it because quite frankly, AJ had debated it more than a few times. He wouldn’t do it though. He didn’t want to stick his head further into an already sticky situation. His involvement would only make it worse. He firmly believed that Brian would do the right thing in the end and he would be better for it. If AJ were to intervene, it would hurt things more than help them.
AJ had been watching Leslie very closely, just for the simple fact that he now felt like he didn’t know her. He had been close to her, close enough to think that she cared about Nick just as much as he cared about her and close enough to think that she would have never thought of straying from him. He was dumbfounded to say the least. She had been very quiet since he had caught the two of them and jumpy to boot.
She sat a few rows back on the arena floor, her feet up on the chair in front of her, her arms crossed over her chest. Her right hand played with the necklace around her neck and she gnawed at her bottom lip, staring off into space. She was clearly not paying attention to what was happening on stage. She was very obviously engrossed in thought.
AJ stood up and set down his microphone, jumping off the stage and walking up to her. He could hear Nick begin to beat box into the microphone and Howie groan, yelling at him to shut up.
AJ plopped down next to Leslie and she started, looking over at him in shock. When she saw who had sat next to her, fear came to the surface and she turned her head quickly, her feet dropping from the chair in front of her. He knew she was debating if she should get up and leave.
He sighed, “Why are you so afraid of me babygirl?”
She swallowed, her hands nervously rubbing the top of her thighs, “I’m not.”
“You are,” he said. He smiled at her, trying to let her know that he came in peace. She didn’t smile back.
“Are you just not gonna talk to me from here on out?” he asked. He had caught her glancing up at Nick, and AJ spoke again, “I told you that I’m not telling Leslie. I’m a man of my word.”
Her eyes met with his and he could see a hint of gratefulness. She whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“For putting you in this position.”
He shook his head lightly, leaning into her slightly so the backup dancers scattered behind them in chairs couldn’t hear their conversation, “You know babe, I put myself in this position. I put my nose in a place where I knew it shouldn’t be, but that’s me. I let curiosity take over and that’s where it led me. I’ve been suspicious of you two for a couple months. I guess it was only a matter of time before my fears were confirmed right?”
She eyed his cautiously, hesitant in her words, “Why are you being so nice to me?”
“Because I know you’re not a bad person and I know that you didn’t do what you did just for the pure hell of it. You and Brian have always had a connection, I see that. I’m not saying I condone what you’ve done, but I can say that I understand.”
She raised her eyes in surprise and he continued, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but what the hell." He sighed before admitting, "I’ve loved Leigh since the moment I met her.”
She looked even more shocked, her mouth dropping open, “Howie’s Leigh?”
AJ nodded, smiling, “You can’t tell.”
She shook her head, still looking at him in disbelief, “I won’t.”
“It’s funny because before the tour started, Brian had asked me if I was ever attracted to any of the guys’ girlfriends, and I had told him about Leigh. He then asked that if she had felt the same way about me, would I have done anything about it?” AJ glanced up at the three men on the stage, Brian especially. AJ sighed, “I lied to him.”
“About what?” Leslie asked.
“I told him I wouldn’t have done anything with her. I told him that she was Howie’s girl and that I could never do that to him. It was a place that I personally would never enter. But truthfully, if she had hypothetically liked me back…” AJ shrugged and Leslie waited for him to finish. He looked over at her, a little scared to admit what he was about to say, “I would have gone for it.”
“Really?”
AJ nodded, “Yeah. I mean, what I told Brian was my way of not looking like a jackass to him, cause when he had asked me, he was still a faithful, monogamous man in my eyes you know? I told him what I thought he wanted to hear, and they were the right words to say, and they were the right actions to do for any man in that type of situation, but I didn’t personally believe in them. I love Rachel dearly, don’t get me wrong, but if Leigh were to come up to me and confess her undying love, can I really sit here and say that I wouldn’t do something about it? I would love to say no, but I’m not so sure. It’s easy to say no to something that would never happen, but if that moment were to really happen, circumstances change.”
Leslie looked unsure of how to respond, not expecting this conversation to even be happening. AJ saw this, “What I’m trying to say Leslie is that I understand. I can’t hold it against you because then I’d be a hypocrite, and I absolutely despise hypocrites.”
She smiled lightly at him, “Yeah but AJ, I actually acted on my feelings, you didn’t. Your conscience is still clear.”
“I don’t look at it like that. My wanting to do it and knowing that I would do it seems just as bad doesn’t it?” He reached out his hand and squeezed hers gently. She squeezed back, “Thank you.”
He turned his attention back to the stage, hearing scuffling. Brian was on Nick’s back, digging his fist into Nick’s head. Nick yelped, twirling in circles, trying to get Brian off of him. He heard Leslie laugh next to him and he smiled, “What do you see in those two anyway?”
“What?” she smiled, tearing her eyes from the two wrestling men.
“I’m obviously more stylish, mature, and sophisticated, and let’s not mention sexier. Why those two and not me?” he teased. She patted his leg, “I like my men goofy. Besides, you never showed any interest.”
He raised his eyebrows, “So if I had…?”
She put her finger to her lips, and glanced up at the ceiling, acting as if she were thinking. She then scrunched up her nose and shook her head, looking at him cutely, “No, you’re too much of a big brother.”
He grinned and wrapped his arm around her, squeezing her to his side tightly, “Yeah, I guess I am."
They sat in silence for a couple minutes, AJ releasing her from his hug. AJ was debating if he should really push on with their conversation, worried that he would be trekking into something he had no right butting into. He knew girls liked their own secrets. He leaned forward on his knees and glanced over at her, these thoughts running over and over in his mind. She smiled, “What?”
“Just curious,” he began, “But who do you like more?”
Her smile faltered and he quickly apologized, “I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t be, I just wasn’t expecting that.”
“Forget I even said anything,” AJ brushed it off. Leslie insisted, “It’s fine, really, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know.”
“No?”
“No. I know that must sound ridiculous, but I don’t. They’re both so different you know? But I can’t even say that because they’re still so similar. When I’m with Nick, I think to myself that I could live forever like that, and that I could move on from Brian, but then I see Brian and I’m not so sure anymore. Nick is the greatest boyfriend that I’ve ever had. He’s loving and tender, he’s romantic, and he does everything that I ever ask him and more. He’s wonderful. I know I’m fortunate to have him,” she looked to AJ seriously, trying to convince him that she was telling the truth, trying to convince herself, “I know this AJ.”
AJ replied, smiling reassuringly, “I know you do.”
“But Brian…” Leslie shook her head, looking up at the two men in her life. She sighed, “When I’m with him, my world stops. The way he looks at me…”
AJ followed her gaze to Brian and then turned back to her, her eyes sad. He could see that her eyes were stinging with tears and she tried to blink them away, averting her gaze, “Sorry.”
AJ grabbed her hand again and she looked over at him, letting out a laugh at how stupid she felt, “I’ve never cried so much before in my life. You people are a horrible influence.”
He grinned, watching her carefully wipe a couple tears away, “I’ve always had the unfortunate knack of making people cry.”
She laughed again, trying to compose herself. AJ sighed, “Leslie, you can’t beat yourself up over this. The answers will come to you in time.”
“But I want them to come to me now. I want this to be easy and to anyone else it is. It’s obvious what I should do. I’m with Nick, so I stay with Nick. Why am I even contemplating a life with a man that is already taken? It’s stupid and useless and a waste of time.”
“You do have a choice in this Leslie,” AJ comforted.
She shook her head, “I don’t feel like I do.”
He sighed, his heart going out to her, searching for a way to help her. It dawned on him then, “Which one knows you best?”
She looked at him confused, “What?”
“It may sound like that has nothing to do with anything, but you might be surprised to see that it has to do with everything.”
“I’m not following.”
“It’s simple really, which one knows you best? Which one can tell you your favorite color and your favorite book and your favorite flower and your favorite meal without any hesitation or thinking? Which one knows about your desires and dreams and helps you accomplish them?”
Leslie furrowed her eyebrows, “I don’t know.”
“Might help if you did,” AJ pointed. Leslie nodded and AJ continued, “But Leslie?”
“Hmm?”
He looked up at Nick who was frantically trying to fix his hair. Brian had a huge grin on his face, clapping Nick’s back heartily. AJ turned his attention back to her, “Nick loves you very much.”
She frowned slightly, sadness crossing her face, “I know.”
“And you have to know that he wants you to be happy, no matter what. He’d do anything for you.”
She repeated quietly, “I know,” and then continued, “AJ, I’m told constantly about how lucky Nick is to have me and how perfect we are together, and I hate it, because I know what I’ve done. I’m living a lie and I want to tell him so much because he deserves to know the truth, but I’m afraid of losing him. He’s so good to me AJ. I don’t deserve him.”
“Oh sweetheart, you deserve him,” he soothed. “People make mistakes but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good things in life.”
She lightly smiled at him, “I wish all people thought like you.”
“Believe me, I wish that everyday,” he joked. She laughed lightly, noticing the movement from behind her. Both she and AJ turned their heads to look, seeing the backup dancers get up from their chairs and move towards the stage. Leslie sighed, “Gotta go to work.”
He kissed her cheek, “I’m glad you’re not terrified of me anymore.”
She got up and smiled, “I am too.”
He watched as she made her way to the stage, watching as Nick made his way over, holding out his hand to help her up. He pulled her into his arms and gave her a hug, kissing her forehead before rushing to snatch his microphone from Brian. AJ stood up, smiling at Leslie as she turned to look at him. She smiled back.
That Night
Leslie sat cross legged on her hotel bed, clicking through the channels rapidly. Nothing caught her eye, but she wasn’t exactly looking. Her mind was elsewhere, AJ's words replaying over and over in her head. She kept glancing back at Nick who was sitting against the head board, a Sudoku book in his hands, a look of pure concentration etched over his face. His eyebrow was furrowed and he chewed on the end of his pen absentmindedly.
She had nearly spoken up several times in the past hour, opening her mouth and almost letting the words fall out, but she’d think about it again and decide against it, turning back to the television.
She now turned her head to look at him for the hundredth time, finally deciding to go through with it. She knew she'd get no sleep if she didn't. She quietly asked, “Nicky?”
“Hmm?” He tore his eyes away from the Sudoku to look at her, “What’s up?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Course babe,” he waited. She bit her lip, hesitating, knowing how stupid she was going to sound. He saw the look on her face and laughed, “Baby, what is it?”
She sighed, knowing she’d just have to blurt it out, “What’s my favorite color?”
He stopped slightly, looking at her strangely, “What?”
She repeated, quietly, “What’s my favorite color?”
“Uh, pink right?” he inquired. Her nerves relaxed a little bit at his answer. She didn’t know what she had been expecting. How hard is it to remember someone’s favorite color anyway? She licked her lips and continued, “And my favorite flower?”
“Roses,” he said. She frowned slightly but he quickly corrected himself, “No, wait…” He squinted his eyes, looking at her for some verification, “Lilies?”
She nodded. He got it right, on the second try that is, and after much debate. That was better than nothing wasn’t it?
He narrowed his eyes at her, “What is this about?”
She shook her head, ignoring his questions, “My favorite book?”
“So we’re playing a game, is that it?” he asked, grinning. She sighed, “The book Nick.”
He looked at her in puzzlement, taking a few moments to think, “Um…”
She waited, giving him the benefit of the doubt. When he finally slowly shook his head, her heart sank, “I don’t know. What is it?”
He should know though. They had talked about it before, on several occasions it seemed. She quietly responded, “Wuthering Heights.”
Realization dawned on him and he smiled, “Oh yeah! I remember now. Cause it’s all dark and romantic right?”
She nodded, “Yeah.”
He smiled at her and then went to return to his Sudoku. She pursed her lips, pushing the subject further, “My worst fear?”
He looked up again, wondering why this was happening, “Spiders?”
She didn’t even care to correct him, her heart hurting more and more. She pressed on, “My favorite song?”
Uncertainty came across his face, “What is this Leslie?”
“Please answer,” she pleaded.
He looked at her concerned, but answered anyway, “Buttons by Pussycat Dolls?”
She looked at him sadly and he quickly asked for reassurance, “Right?”
She shook her head slowly, “No.”
“But you love that song,” he argued.
“I do, but it’s not my favorite.”
“Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap?” he asked. She shook her head, her heart sinking further and further into her chest. He tried again, hopeful that he’d get the right answer, “Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi?”
“Hanging by a Moment,” she finally corrected, averting her gaze from his. She had felt tears coming on and she didn’t want him to see them. She knew he didn’t get the significance of this conversation, or why she thought it would be important. It hurt her to say the least. She knew all these things about him and more, she just assumed that he would too. Course, his love for her wasn’t based on all he knew about her, but it still meant something didn’t it?
“Shit, I knew that,” he cursed. She faced the TV, breathing steadily, closing her eyes to try and stop the tears before they overflowed.
She felt Nick's fingers touch her back and he said nonchalantly, “Learn something new everyday eh?”
She nodded, smiling lightly at him, “That you do.”
“Gives us something to look forward to, knowing that we don’t know everything about each other.”
“You’re right,” she replied, grabbing the remote and switching off the TV. She stood up, taking a deep breath. She was still forcing her tears back, knowing how stupid she must look right now. She quickly looked to him, noticing he had gone back to doing his Sudoku.
“I’m gonna go downstairs for a bit. You need anything?”
He shook his head, not lifting his head, “I’m good.”
She grabbed the room key and made her way to the door, not saying another word. The closer she got to the door, the closer the tears came to falling from her eyes, and by the time she had stepped foot into the hallway and shut it behind her, they finally escaped. She raised her shaking hands to her face, trying to wipe them away.
She knew it was late and that most people were asleep already, but she needed to know. She needed to talk to Brian. And so she made her way down the hall, trying to stop the tears that had taken over.
She came upon his door and glanced up at the number. She knew Leighanne would be in there. Were they sleeping? Would they even answer? And if so, who would answer? She decided to take a chance.
She raised her hand and rapped on the door lightly, her arms crossing over her chest. She closed her eyes, praying that Brian would be there before her when the door opened. She heard rustling on the other side and clicks of the deadbolt being pulled back. She heard the door open slightly and she in turn opened her eyes. Brian stood before her in only his boxers. The room behind him was dark, and he squinted from the harsh light of the hallway. He rubbed his eyes, focusing in on Leslie.
When he realized who it was, he stepped out into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind him until there was only a crack left. He turned to her, “Hey.”
“Hi,” she returned softly. He looked at her concerned, seeing her puffy, watery eyes and her flushed cheeks. He reached out his hand to touch her arm, “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, fresh tears coming to her eyes at his concern and tenderness, “I’m sorry I woke you up. I just needed to talk to you.”
“Of course sweetheart, what is it?” he asked, quickly glancing up and down the hall, relaxing when he found no one in sight.
“I need to ask you a few things and I need you to answer them without any questions. Can you do that for me?” she asked. He searched her face, concern still evident. He responded softly, “Yeah honey, I can do that.”
She nodded, licking her lips. She took a deep breath, hating that she had took AJ’s words to heart like she did. She felt like a fool, but now she needed to know. He stood there patient, waiting for her to continue. Finally, she asked, “Do you know what my favorite color is?”
He nodded, “Yeah, pink.”
“And my favorite flower?”
“Lilies. The pink ones, not the orange, because apparently the orange ones smell like garbage,” he replied. He crossed his arms over his chest, the cold of the hall finally getting to him. She stared at him for a moment, not expecting him to recall that useless fact. She continued, “My favorite book?”
“Wuthering Heights,” he said nonchalantly. “You said that it was the saddest love story you’ve ever read.”
She could tell that he wanted to know what this was all about, but he kept to his word and didn’t ask any questions. She felt more tears coming on now and even a few fell from her eyes. These were different tears. With Nick, she had been upset with his lack of desire to know her favorite things, and shocked that he hadn’t known the simple things that she had told him several times herself. With Brian, she was crying because she had wanted him to know nothing. She wanted him to say ‘I don’t know’ to every single question, because then he would have made this easier on her, but he did know, more than she had expected, and it broke her heart.
She raised her hand to wipe her cheeks, “My favorite song?”
He looked at her sadly, wanting so badly to know what was going on, to grab her and hug her and tell her that everything would be alright. Instead he stood there, frowning, answering her question because that’s what she wanted, and he would do anything for her, “Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse, with Broken by Seether at a close second.”
Her heart skipped a beat in her chest and more tears fell, “And my worst fear?”
He licked his lips, lightly smiling at her, remembering that particular conversation clearly in his head. He had teased her for nearly 10 minutes when she had informed him of this, “The ocean.”
He stepped forward and touched her cheek gently, before continuing on gently, “Because you hate not knowing what’s underneath you. But also because the very vastness of it terrifies you. The unknown terrifies you.”
He paused, searching her face, tenderly wiping away her tears with his thumbs. He smiled gently, “Did I pass?”
She nodded slowly, unable to tear her eyes away from his. She felt her barriers break, her pain overwhelming her. Why did this affect her so much? She felt like an idiot. Why couldn’t he just not care about her? He was taken, untouchable, unavailable, and here he stood, the perfect man, and she couldn’t have him.
He frowned, seeing sadness swimming through her eyes, finally feeling that it was alright for him to speak, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
She sniffled, trying to get a hold of herself. She shook her head, “Why do you know me so well? How do you remember all that?”
He looked at her as if that were a dumb question, “You told me all those things, how could I not know?”
His words made her think of Nick. She had told him everything she had ever told Brian, so why were their answers and reactions so different?
“I know you because I see you for who you are. You wear your heart on your sleeve Leslie. And I remember the things that matter. I know that you wouldn’t tell me certain things if you didn’t want me to know and remember them, but even so, I know things about you that you’ve never even once told me.”
She didn’t respond but stood there, searching his face, allowing him to tuck strands of hair behind her ears, “I know that every morning for breakfast, you drink two glasses of orange juice, no pulp. I know that butterflies and babies make you smile the moment you see them and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. I know that you hum to yourself when you think no one is looking. I know that one piece of chocolate can turn your whole day around in an instant. I know that you’d take in every stray animal if only you could. I know that rain brings you joy and that you could spend hours writing in your journal. I know that your eyes turn bluer on sunny days. I know that you love to laugh more than anything in the world.”
He paused, seeing fresh tears come to her eyes. He spoke to her gently, “And I know that when I make love to you, your world stops, just like mine.”
He sighed, smiling lightly, “I know you Leslie. How could I not?”
He stopped then, waiting for her to respond. She grabbed his hands, squeezing, and without saying anything, leaned up and pressed her lips against his. He had forgotten that they were in an open hallway, immediately embracing her. He could taste her salty tears, pressing his lips back against hers. But as quickly as she leaned in, she just as quickly pulled back, looking at him sadly.
“Okay,” she said quietly. She smiled lightly at him, still crying silently. She nodded, repeating ‘Okay’ before turning on her heel and walking down the hall. Her fingers slid from his and he found himself grasping at air, reaching for her warmth.
“Leslie, wait,” he pleaded. She hesitated, coming to a stop a few doors down. She turned to him, patient. He sighed, “You don’t need to tell me what this was all about. I know that you have your reasons, but I need to know, are you okay?”
She nodded, “I’m okay.” She then turned from him and walked away. Brian stood in the hallway, watching after her sadly as she got on the elevator. He knew that she had felt embarrassed for what had just come to pass, but he knew it was significant to her. He would have loved to know what it had meant and why she had cared so much. He would love to know why she was so upset.
If he could only see into her heart, he would see that Leslie had finally found what she was ultimately searching for. She had found her answers, but now she had no idea what to do with them.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to both of them, Leighanne had been standing quietly, her ear pressed against the back of the door, listening to every word they said. As the conversation progressed, she had grown more and more livid. Where Leslie had found her answers, Leighanne had finally found her proof. She knew then what she was dealing with and knew that her and Brian’s relationship was in jeopardy. She didn’t want to result to what she had secretly planned, but it became all too clear to her that it was the only thing for her to do to keep Brian from leaving her.
She had heard Leslie leave down the hall and figured that it was time to rush back into bed and act like she was asleep. She heard Brian quickly come back in after a minute or so and slip under the covers, keeping his distance from her. She could tell that he lied there for hours before slipping off to sleep and she secretly wished to beat Leslie senseless for interfering with their once quiet and normal life.
Leighanne had decided that she wouldn’t mention what she had heard to anybody, including Brian. Instead, she would act like nothing was different, and continue to be the best fiancée that she could be. Doing anything otherwise would put her plans in danger. Doing anything otherwise would push Brian away.
But the funny thing is, if her plan didn’t work out perfectly, she knew he’d leave her in an instant anyway, for the lie that she planned on telling him was more terrible than anything she had ever lied about before. She was about to do something that she could never turn back from, but as was said before, she would do anything, anything, to keep him as hers, and only hers.
