And you take me the way I am,
You take me the way I am
~The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
Brian sighed as he stood outside of AJ’s dressing room door. The concert had just ended, and the boys were off getting their stuff together to head back to the hotel. Pittsburgh had turned out to be a crazier audience than originally expected. A girl in the front row had thrown her bra and thong underwear up on stage. The articles were wrapped around a teddy bear’s neck, who had a small t-shirt on asking Nick to marry her. He hadn’t seen something like that in awhile. He thought those types of days were over, but a small part of him was still glad to see the obsessive insanity still present in certain fans.
Now, Brian had just left Leighanne in his dressing room to talk to AJ. He had an itching desire to speak with him, thinking that ever since AJ had caught him and Leslie down in Mexico things had never been the same between them. They were civil with each other, but Brian felt tension. He realized it was probably coming more from him than from AJ, but still, he couldn’t go another day not knowing.
Brian took a deep breath before knocking on AJ’s door. He heard rustling on the other end and suddenly AJ was before him, his face still flushed from the concert. AJ looked surprised to see him, “Rok, hey bud.”
“May I come in?” Brian asked hopefully. AJ stepped out of the way and allowed Brian to pass.
“What’s up?” AJ asked, closing the door behind him. He was shocked to see Brian here in the first place. He couldn’t remember the last time they were alone together. Brian seemed to make it a point to keep people around as a buffer.
Brian stuffed his hands into his pockets and gnawed on the inside of his cheek, trying to search for the right words to say. Finally, he said the one thing that wouldn’t get out of his head, knowing how absurd and out of place it sounded the moment it popped out of his mouth, “Leslie and I stopped… you know…”
AJ knew that Brian had come here specifically to talk to him about Leslie, he just wasn’t sure in what context, and he certainly wasn’t expecting him to bring it up so quickly. It was clear that this had been bothering Brian for quite some time, and for good reason.
AJ eyed his friend carefully before speaking up, “Fucking like rabbits?”
Brian flinched, “If you want to put it that way, then yes, but it’s more than that Aje.”
AJ sighed, plopping down into a chair and snatching up one of the bottles of water. Brian only stood there uncomfortably, knowing he had opened a can of worms. He was unsure of how AJ was going to react to this topic of conversation, but so far he was pleasantly surprised to see no anger or disgust.
AJ swallowed the water that was in his mouth before addressing Brian once more, “I know Bri. I’ve talked to Leslie.”
“You have?” Brian asked in surprise.
“About a month or so ago,” AJ said nonchalantly.
Brian’s curiosity got the best of him, “What’d you talk about?”
AJ shrugged, “Things. Mainly I told her that even though I’m disappointed in your decisions, I can still understand why you did it.”
Brian was confused, “But you were so angry when you saw us…”
“Fuck Rok, what would you have done? If you had seen me and Kristin for example, would you have been cool with it?”
“No, I guess not,” Brian admitted honestly.
AJ knew that his words needed clarification. It wouldn’t be fair to Brian to not tell him, “I lied to you Bri. That one day before the tour when we were working out and you had asked me if I ever had the hots for any of the guys’ girlfriends, I told you that I was attracted to Leigh, but that I would never act on it. I lied. I would have in an instant.”
Brian was shocked to hear these words, “But-”
AJ shook his head, interrupting Brian’s thoughts, “No buts. That’s just how it is. I don’t want to justify why because it would be fruitless, though out of everyone you would understand the most. The point is that I’m just as bad as you, and I can’t judge you for it.”
Brian took a seat then, feeling the tension lift from his shoulders. He accepted the water that AJ held out to him as a sort of peace offering. Brian stared down at the glistening water for a few moments before taking a drink. It was a couple of minutes more until he spoke up, his voice filled with guilt, “What have I done Aje?”
AJ looked at his friend sympathetically, “You gave into your desires. Nobody’s perfect. You can’t beat yourself up over something you couldn’t really control.”
“But I could have controlled it. I could have stopped it before it even began. Why was I so fucking weak? I risked everything, and for what?”
“Love?” AJ suggested.
Brian looked away, trying to hide the pain that had sprung up on his face. He repeated in a near whisper, as if to agree, “Love.”
AJ leaned forward in his chair and lowered his voice, not in fear of someone overhearing, but as a means to console his friend, “You’re not the first man in history to risk everything he’s ever believed in and everything he has ever worked for, for a woman. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Despite what you may think, you’re a good man.”
Brian laughed at that, “Tell that to Nick if he ever finds out.”
AJ smiled meekly, “Do you think he will?”
Brian shrugged, “I don’t know. I want to tell him, but then I don’t. I can’t bear ruining our friendship like that, but not only that, what would happen to the band? What would happen to Leslie?”
“That's a valid point and it's good to think about those things, but honestly Bri, can you live with this? And how do you know Leslie won’t tell him herself?”
Brian frowned, “I don’t know. She’d tell me if she were going to wouldn’t she?”
“You tell me.”
Brian groaned, “Does it even matter anymore?”
“Sure it does. All of it matters.”
Brian hung his head sadly, “I hate this Bone. I really do. Why couldn’t this have been easier? If only she wasn’t Nick’s girlfriend. If only Leighanne didn’t get pregnant.”
“What do you mean if only Leighanne didn’t get pregnant?” AJ asked curiously. It was at this point that Brian realized AJ didn’t know of his and Leslie’s plans.
“About a month or so ago, before I found out about Leigh, Leslie and I made the decision to give us a chance. I was going to end it with Leighanne and she was going to end it with Nick, but on the same night, Leigh told me about the baby, and I had to end it with Leslie instead.”
AJ’s face lit up with understanding, “That’s why you two have been so different lately. I’ve been wondering about that.”
“You’ve noticed?”
“Who wouldn’t? You two were like two peas in a pod and now you’re barely seen together. I know Leighanne’s pregnancy had something to do with it, but I didn’t know all that. You were really going to risk being with her?”
AJ was a bit shocked at this news. He didn’t really know how to take it. It was a huge risk, not only for Brian and Leslie, but for the band as a whole. He didn’t know how he felt about that, and guiltily enough, he was sort of glad that they didn’t go through with it.
Brian could sense the surprise in AJ’s voice and he looked at him warily, “I was. She was risking just as much.”
“Damn Rok…” AJ breathed out, speechless. Brian didn’t respond, but just waited, watching as AJ sorted through his thoughts. Finally, AJ addressed him once more, “So you picked Leigh then?”
“What else was I going to do? She’s pregnant Bone. I can’t just leave her like that. It wouldn’t be fair to her or the baby.”
“Maybe so, but is that really fair to you? Even if you aren’t going to be with Leslie, do you really want to be with someone you don’t want to be with? That’s not how you’re supposed to live.”
“My conscience won’t let me do otherwise,” Brian grumbled. AJ smiled at this comment, thinking it ironic that his conscience would overcome him with this situation, and not with the problem of fidelity.
It then became clear to AJ why Brian had really come to talk to him. Not only did he want to bury the hatchet, but Brian needed advice. He wasn’t going to flat out ask for it, but AJ could tell. The conversation had lead to Brian’s recent decision. Brian wasn’t just telling him who he had picked and why, he was also looking for some reassurance that he had made the right choice. He was looking for comfort. He was looking for a friend.
“Do you want to know what I think?” AJ asked.
Brian nodded his head eagerly, “Of course.”
“You shouldn’t marry Leighanne,” he stated bluntly.
Brian had not expected this response, “Seriously?”
“Dead serious. You don’t love her, that’s clear. It wouldn’t be fair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to her, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to your kid for you to go through with this. It’s not right.”
“And me being with Leslie is?”
“No, but at least then you’d be honest with yourself and with everyone else around you. Living a lie is no better than the life you’re already living now.”
Brian tried to let AJ’s words sink in, but he was finding it hard to do so, “I don’t know man.”
AJ sighed, trying to figure out a way to get through to his friend, “You love her don’t you?”
“Very much,” Brian replied softly.
“Then stop being a jackass and do something about it.”
“It’s not that easy,” Brian protested. “What about Nick? What about Leigh and the baby? What about the fans and the band? I can’t just disregard all that.”
AJ sighed, seeing that he wasn’t really helping the situation. Brian was right. There was a lot involved with this and he couldn’t sit here and tell Brian to do the obvious when he would be jeopardizing all of their careers and friendships. AJ personally stood behind Brian, understanding how hard it must be for him to deal with this alone, but he also sympathized with Nick. He wasn’t sure how Howie or Kevin would react, and Nick? Nick would flip his lid. Nick wouldn’t be so willing to forgive.
“Look, I know this is a complicated situation, but you gotta look at the facts. If you choose to stay with Leigh, you won’t be happy, and if you choose to be with Leslie, you’re going to unleash a torrent of drama, there’s no doubt about that, but at least you’d be with her, and that in itself is worth it, is it not?”
Brian contemplated these words, and slowly nodded, letting AJ know that he understood. AJ continued, “She cares for you man, that much is clear.”
“She loves me,” Brian said quietly.
“She what?” AJ asked, his ears perking up at this.
Brian raised his eyes to meet his friend’s, “She loves me.”
“No shit.”
“She hasn’t told me personally, but I read it. For Christmas, she gave me her journal to read, well her sister gave it to me, and she said it in there.”
This barely mattered to AJ, however, and it wasn’t long before he found himself asking, more to himself than to Brian, “Then why is she still with Nick?”
“I don’t know. I know she cares for him, and why not? He treats her like she should be treated. She was with him first, so obviously there’s something there. Maybe she’s trying to salvage what they have, just like I am with Leigh.”
“Maybe,” AJ agreed thoughtfully, noticing that Brian was struggling to find the real answer to this question himself.
Silence enveloped them then. Brian was clearly engrossed in his own thoughts, looking down at the floor with a look of worry on his face. He was hunched over slightly, and AJ couldn’t help but feel for his friend. He couldn’t help but see the huge burden that lied atop his friend’s shoulders. He knew nothing else he could say that night would help anything. He had said his piece, now it was up to Brian to decide.
It was hard to give any sort of advice on a situation like this, especially to a man like Brian. AJ’s illusions of whom he thought Brian was were shattered that night in Mexico. He had always thought Brian to be a moral man, so when he saw him making love to a woman that was not his own, he had been rudely awakened to something he didn't think possible. It wasn’t in Brian’s personality to do something so rash, so the fact that he had done it not only that one night, but for months before hand, showed AJ all too clearly that there was more to this than just sex. Brian wasn’t about superfluous relationships. He was about commitment. He believed in one man, one woman. He believed in love.
AJ wouldn’t change positions with him for all the world, but he wished he could have said something to push all of his friend’s worries away. It wasn’t fair for this dedicated man to have to go through something so awful. It would be easy to tell Brian to fuck everyone and just be with Leslie, because if it were AJ, he would probably find himself doing just that, but the fact was that this was Brian. How do you tell a man that has lived his entire life following a set path and a set list of values to forget everything he’s ever been taught and to take a chance? How to you tell a man to leap into an unknown and terrifying future, with no way of knowing what the outcome of his actions would be? How do you tell a man to live?
AJ watched Brian sadly, before asking quietly, “So what are you going to do?”
Brian looked over at AJ, his face suddenly showing just how tired he was, “I wish I knew.”
The Next Day
Leslie smiled when she boarded Nick’s tour bus. She spotted Nick by the couch, crouched down, talking in a cute, baby voice to her new puppy Maggie. He was rubbing her stomach and she was lying on her back, basking in the attention. Leslie stood back for a few moments, taking the scene in. It was in moments like these that you could see the true soul of a man. Nick was gentle and compassionate. Nick cared. She admired these qualities and they helped her cope with her internal struggles.
“Who’s a good dog? Yes, that’s right. You are! Cute little puppy,” Nick cooed. He suddenly stopped when he heard Leslie’s giggles.
“You were not supposed to see that,” he grumbled, getting to his feet.
Leslie quickly closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed him lightly, “Why not? It’s endearing and maybe even a turn on?”
His eyes rose at this in anticipation, “Really?”
She scrunched up her nose, shaking her head, “Nah, not really.”
He rolled his eyes, “Thanks for getting my hopes up babe.”
She kissed him again, “It’s what I do.”
She bent down and picked up the quiet puppy, cradling it in her arms. She kissed the top of Maggie’s head and took a seat on the couch. Nick sat next to her, smiling warmly, “She’s taken to you.”
Leslie’s eyes met with his, “You think?”
“Definitely. She’s obviously more comfortable with you than with anyone else,” he pointed.
Leslie’s heart warmed at this, “All thanks to you.”
Nick shrugged, “It’s not a big deal.”
“But it is. It means everything to me,” Leslie admitted. A look of loving affection washed over him and he leaned in to press his lips against hers. They lingered there for a moment before he pulled back, “You know, just when I think it’s impossible, I seem to fall more in love with you every day.”
A month ago, Leslie would have replied with something that she herself didn’t believe in. She would have told Nick that she loved him too, but with doubt and guilt. However, these past couple of weeks since the tour had started back up, she had been spending more and more time with him. She made it a point not to see Brian unless she absolutely had to, and she was grateful for this, for it was getting easier as the days passed. The pain was finally subsiding. She still loved Brian dearly, and she always would, but she couldn’t let her feelings for him halt her life. She had a good man and he loved her. Why should she waste her time pining over a man that she wasn’t sure loved her back? Why waste her time with a man that had already started a life with another woman? It wasn’t worth it.
So now, at this very moment, Leslie opened her mouth and spoke with rising certainty, guilt of lying no longer hidden beneath the words, “I love you, too, Nicky. More and more each day.”
Though these feelings were becoming a reality for Leslie, she still had the aching desire to tell Nick what she had done. She knew that if she were going to move forward with her relationship with Nick, she would have to come clean. It was getting harder each day to keep something so horrible to herself. How could she deceive him so? He didn’t deserve it. He had done nothing wrong. All he had ever done was take care of her. All he had ever done was love her, and what had she done in return? She had cheated on him, not once, but for months, and not just with any man, but with his best friend. There were several complications surrounding the entire situation, but the point was that she was sorry, not for falling in love with Brian per say, but for keeping it from Nick. It wasn’t fair to him. He deserved to know the truth, but how was she going to break it to him? And when? She was terrified to go through with it.
Just then, the bus roared to life and started out of the hotel parking lot towards their next destination. Leslie looked out the window with a thoughtful expression, watching the darkened streets pass her by. She ran through her mind once more on how she would go about breaking the news to him. She had considered countless scenarios and none of them seemed appealing. Either way, she knew that he would be upset. She knew that he would be angry.
What she didn’t know was how he would ultimately react in the end towards their relationship. Would he break up with her? Would his trust for her be gone forever? Would he still love her? All of these questions and more mattered to her.
She knew that she should just bite the bullet and do it. There was no use in prolonging it any longer, because the longer she waited, the worse it would be. So why didn’t she just do it? Well, Brian for one. She felt that she should let him know what she was about to do, or at least talk to him about the possibility. Though it wasn’t fair to keep such a horrible secret from Nick, it still wasn’t fair to cause a dissention amongst the group over her and Brian’s shared weakness. It wasn’t just her cheating on Nick, it was her potential of ruining the band.
Though this was a major factor, she couldn’t deny that another reason why she was holding the inevitable off was because she was grasping onto some faint hope that Brian would still leave Leighanne for her. This thought frightened her, but at the same time she knew it was ridiculous. It was just wishful thinking. That chapter of her life was over and a new one was opening up for her; one she was accepting wholeheartedly.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Nick asked, his fingers lacing through her hair.
She turned to him and shook her head, “Just thinking.”
“About?”
“Nothing in particular,” she lied.
He smiled lightly, “You excited for tomorrow?”
Leslie couldn’t help but grin herself, “Maybe a little.”
“Only a little? Girl, you better be excited,” he joked in a high pitched voice, flipping his hand towards her femininely.
Leslie giggled, “Okay, I’m excited. I’m just full of excitement. I’m bursting with it.”
“That’s better,” he grinned. “Who knows, maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow a shriveled up prune.”
Leslie slapped Nick’s arm, laughing, “Shut up Nick. I’m not gonna be that old.”
Nick scrunched up his nose playfully, “I don’t know babe, 26 is pushing it a bit.”
Leslie rolled her eyes, knowing Nick was only joking with her, “Oh yeah, and you’re just a young little whippersnapper eh?”
Nick nodded confidently, before kissing her, “You know it. Seriously though, you’re gonna love your surprise.”
“I love surprises,” Leslie face lit up.
“I know you do, that’s why I’m doing it,” he teased.
“And we’re driving all the way back to New York for it?” she asked.
“Would you rather spend your birthday in Pennsylvania?” he raised his brow quizzically.
“New York sounds perfect,” Leslie beamed. She always loved her birthday, or anyone’s birthday for that matter. She loved any day where there was cause for celebration. But to be spending her birthday in New York City was an extra bonus. It was one of her favorite places on earth. They had started the tour in the city, and for the past couple of weeks they had been going all about the Northeastern United States, and it just so happened that her birthday coincided closely with their next show down in Virginia. Nick had mentioned to her only a few days before that they would be making a small detour back to Manhattan for her birthday before heading down to the D.C. area the following day.
“You’re perfect,” Nick responded lovingly. Leslie sighed happily, allowing Nick to kiss her once more. Nick lied back on the couch, pulling Leslie with him. They snuggled against each other, Maggie lying peacefully at their feet. They let the low hum of the bus’s engine drift them off to sleep, the busy day slipping off of their relaxed bodies.
Though things had begun to settle down in Leslie’s life, she knew that she wasn’t entirely clear of the heartache just yet. A lot of the stability depended on Brian and his actions, but most of it really depended on her and her ability to keep true to her decisions. Right now she was happy. Right now she felt she stood on solid ground, but tomorrow held the unexpected. Tomorrow would be the day everything would change. It would be the day when Nick asked Leslie to marry him. It would be the day when everything shattered.
Tomorrow would be the day when all hell would break loose.
