Her heart rate was finally beginning to return to normal but her breathing was still quite erratic and she kept a tight grip on the steering wheel as she tried to calm herself down. It wasn’t him, it…god it didn’t even look like him she realised when she looked again, she needed to stop this, he was in jail, in a cell, locked behind bars with guards making sure he couldn’t get out, so why did she think she kept seeing him? Twice in a week this had happened, a panic attack that’s what they were. The first time it had been when someone had called her name and sounded like him, her heart rate had accelerated, her breath had come quicker to the point where she Jenny had needed to get her a paper bag to breath through. She had been so embarrassed at the time, everyone gawping at her when she freaked out in the middle of the unit, the poor parent who had called her unsure of what he had done to cause the reaction.
Today she had glanced across at the car in the lane next to her and thought she had spotted him. The same reaction occurred and she had been glad that she was stuck in traffic and had been barely moving because she knew she would have lost control otherwise. When she had been brave enough to glance back she knew straight away that it wasn’t him, god he had blonde hair for Christ sake, Ben’s hair was jet black. Maybe she needed some help, needed to speak to somebody?
She felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket and rummaged for it while still keeping her eyes on the road in front of her, not that it made much of a difference she hadn’t moved in the last five minutes because of the damn road works. When she located the phone she pressed the answer button, followed by the speaker phone button and held the phone so that it would not be visable for any police that were in the vicinity.
“Lo,” she said through a yawn.
“Where are you?” Matilda asked down the phone line.
“Good morning to you to Matty,” she chuckled.
“Breakfast is nearly ready,” she told her.
“There’s lots of traffic baby, I won’t be long now though,” she said before she heard the fire alarm sounding from the other end of the phone and Nick cursing.
“Daddy said a bad word can I tell him off?” Matilda asked.
“Sure sweetie, why’s the fire alarm going off?” She queried as she signalled and pulled in to the left hand lane which seemed to be speeding up a bit more.
“Daddy burnt the toast,” she sighed.
“Oh dear, I won’t be long honey, I’ll see you soon,” she said as she hung up and indicated so she could exit the highway at her exit.
Ten minutes later and she was pulling into the driveway, yawning as she got out of the car and headed towards the house. Pushing the door open she was greeted by the scratching of paws across the wood flooring followed by the a patter of two human feet.
“Mommy’s home,” Matilda yelled to Nick as she ran into her Mother’s arms.
“Hi Baby,” she said leaning down to place a small kiss on her daughters head.
“Hey breakfast is ready,” Nick said when he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, clad only in a pair of sweats, his hair sticking every which way, apparently brushing it hadn’t been high on his agenda this morning. She felt the fluttering in her stomach, she seemed to be having them more and more lately and deep down she knew that he was the cause, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it to herself.
“Thanks,” she said as she followed him in and took a seat across from Matilda, eyeing the French toast eagerly, finally realising how hungry she actually was. She took a mouthful and savoured the taste, it was so good, and he had even made coffee she noticed when the aroma hit her nostrils. When she finished the mouthful she took a sip of the coffee, two sugars, he remembered, not that she was surprised she knew how he took his coffee, it used to be white with two but since he had lost the weight and carried on his healthy eating habits he left the sugar.
“How was work?” He asked through a mouthful of his own breakfast.
It had been nearly a month since she and Matilda had moved in with him and Matilda had been back at school for three weeks so she had decided that the time was right for her to go back to work. She had eased back in at first, doing short shifts but her confidence had grown again and for the past week she had been back to her regular twelve hour shifts, the last one being a night. A busy night at that.
“Crazy. Megan has not read the rule book, she kept me busy all night long,” she said.
“Well after your finished here why don’t you head up and catch a few zz’s?” he said.
“No I’ll be fine,” she tried to protest but he wasn’t having any of it.
“Me and Tild’s have some important business to undertake don’t we?” he said raising his eyebrows at his daughter.
“Yeah we are going to-” she said but Nick cut her off by placing his hand over her mouth making her giggle.
“It’s a secret,” he reminded her, making her laugh even harder.
“It’s a secret,” she reiterated to her Mother through her giggles.
“Oh really? What kind of secret?” She asked smiling at the pair of them.
“Don’t you tell Prune,” Nick said before taking a sip of his coffee and relxing back against the chair.
“I won’t,” she told him making Shannon laugh. It was moments like this when she wished she had told him sooner, wished that instead of just lodging with him that they were a real family who sat down every day and had at least one meal together. This was how it was supposed to be, this was all she wanted and if she had only told him back then, then maybe just maybe she could have had everything that she wanted. All she wanted him to do was lean down and kiss her when he cleared the plate, but she knew all that would do would confuse things and right now both she and Matilda needed some stability, they didn’t need to add to more complications to their lives. But with him would it be a complication? She didn’t know.
He smiled at her when he took her empty plate and walked across to the dishwasher to fill it. She sat listening to her daughter’s babble as she absently took sips from her coffee, smiling at Matilda’s tales of Nick scaring the monsters out from under her bed and before she knew it her cup was empty and Nick was nagging her to “get to bed already.”
She kissed her daughter and insisted that Nick wake her before lunch time, otherwise she wouldn’t sleep during the night. He told her that he would and as soon as her head hit the pillow she was out for the count.
***
“Dad?”
“Yes?” he asked not looking up from the laptop.
“Can I put more glitter on this?” She asked holding up the card that she had been making for her Mother.
“You can do whatever you want to it sweetie,” he said, finally looking over to her, smiling to himself when he realised she had glitter smeared across her face, her hands and most of the table, at least he had had the sense to cover it with old newspaper beforehand he thought.
He looked at the clock, he had another hour until he had promised to wake Shan, just enough time for him to finish his project on the laptop, clean up Matilda and maybe even make some lunch for the three of them. He double clicked on another file in his computer and scrolled through some of the photos that were stored there, smiling when he realised he had found the ones he had been looking for, the ones of when she had been first born. He copied one file, a picture of her when she was just a few minutes old, her face scrunched up as she wailed, fist’s balled, and still wet from the amniotic fluid. He pasted the photo at the front of the strip and then clicked back to the file that held all the pictures of his daughter as a newborn infant, his attention drawn to one in particular.
She had been a few hours old, swaddled in a pink blanket, a tiny pink gamgee hiding her dark hair, snuggled contently in Nick’s arms while he and Shannon sat side by side on her hospital bed. Shannon had insisted on the photo, saying that she wanted one of all three of them as he had been the one there when she was born. Now he realised why she had done it, looking at the picture they looked like a family. A big grin plastered on his face as he looked down at the newborn, and then he noticed that Shannon’s gaze was not focused on the child that he cradled in his arms, instead she was focused on him.
He felt a sigh escape his lips, realising that at that point in time she must have been keeping her feelings for him buried and it made him wish that things had been different, but too much had happened now, the dynamic of their relationship had changed and even if they both wanted to make a go of things he would be hesitant, just like he knew she would be. Matilda was here now and he would not gamble his daughter’s happiness on feelings that he wasn’t sure would be reciprocated.
Matilda’s exclamation that she had finished bought him back from his thoughts and he smiled across to her, praising her good work when she lifted the card up so he could look. Now came the task of the clean up. He ushered her over to the kitchen sink and washed the remnants of glue, glitter and paper from her hands before he washed some glitter from her face. When she complained that she was thirsty he supplied her with juice and sent her off to the living room where she could watch some TV while he cleared the table, shut down the laptop and made room for the lunch that he was about to prepare.
Fifteen minutes later he was headed up the stairs with a cup of coffee in one hand. He made his way towards her room but as he reached for the handle he hesitated, he didn’t want to just barge in on her so he knocked on the door lightly. When he got no answer in response he tapped again but a little harder. He sighed when she still didn’t beckon him inside the room and reached for the handle pushing the door open enough for him to stick his head through to make sure that she was decent. The room was unusually dark for the time of day but maybe that was due to the rainy overcast weather outside and the fact that she had the blinds closed.
She was curled up in the middle of the bed, one arm flung across her face, as if to block any light that may have found it’s way inside her room. Her breathing was long and even and she looked so peaceful that he was tempted to just leave her in bed but he remembered his promise and knew that she wouldn’t thank him for going back on it. A few more minutes couldn’t hurt though he thought as he watched her. Her long dark hair was cascading about the pillow and her sock covered foot was hanging off the side of the bed due to her laying at an angle. He softly made his way further inside the room, so to not abruptly disturb her out of her slumber and placed the coffee on the cabinet next to her bed.
“Shan?” He softly whispered, knowing full well it would not be enough to wake her and when she didn’t even stir he tried again but slightly louder. That made her start to move and by the time he called her name the third time her eyes fluttered open and she sighed out of her sleep.
“What time is it?” She asked hoarsely as she wiped the sleep from her eyes.
“Twelve thirty,” he said sitting down on the edge of the bed when she moved to sit up.
“Is it raining?” She asked when she realised how dark it had gotten outside.
“Yeah pretty much from when you went to bed. I’m making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and Tild’s wants to watch The Chronicles of Narnia, I thought we could all watch it together,” he suggested.
“Yeah sure, perfect plan for a rainy afternoon. Have I got time for a quick shower?” She asked.
“Yeah lunch will be ready in about twenty minutes,” he said before he got up to leave the room, “Coffee is on the side,” he told her before he left.
“Thanks,” she smiled to him as she watched him leave and close the door behind him. She rubbed her eyes a few more times and then picked up her coffee and took a few mouthfuls before she headed towards the bathroom.
***
“Can I press play now?” Matilda asked impatiently as Nick bought in the tray of grilled cheese sandwiches and drinks.
“Yep,” he said as he set the tray down on the coffee table before handing a plate to Shannon who was sat with her feet curled up on the couch, clad in a fresh pair of pyjamas. It was the perfect weather to stay inside, not get dressed and watch movies all day, and that was what they intended to do.
“I remember reading this as a kid, it was one of my favourites,” Shan said as the film began to start.
“Never read it,” Nick admitted.
“You’ve never read the Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe? Never?” She asked perplexed looking to him with wide eyes.
“Nope,” he shrugged as he took a bite of his sandwich.
“Tild’s I think we are going to have to educate Daddy. What’s my rule?” She asked her daughter.
“Mommy says that you can’t watch the film until you’ve read the book,” Matilda told him through a mouthful of her sandwich.
“Hmm I also say finish what your eating before you start to say something,” she said raising her eyebrows at her daughter.
“You did ask her a question Shan,” Nick pointed out.
“Yeah Mommy,” Matilda replied, still with food in her mouth.
“Matilda,” she warned, “Anyway you can’t watch it if you’ve not read the book.”
“Can’t we make an exception? You really want me to watch it don’t you Tild’s?” He asked knowing that Shannon was only joking.
“Yeah Mommy, Daddy can read it after, You’ll like Mr Tumnus Daddy he’s a fawn, Mommy likes Aslan, he’s a big lion,” she exclaimed making Nick smile.
“Let Daddy watch it then Tild’s,” Shannon said pulling her daughter back on the couch so that they could settle and watch the movie.
Twenty minutes in and Nick had to admit that he was a bit bored. This wasn’t his kind of movie but it was keeping Matilda entertained and quiet and was giving him time to relax. He kept sneaking glances out of the corner of his eyes to Shan who was sat beside him, she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open and knew that there was no way she was going to make it to the end of the film, not that it really mattered.
He found that he spent more time swinging his eyes to his left then concentrating on the film that was in front of him and luckily she hadn’t yet noticed.
They had been here for a month tomorrow and she had made no attempt at finding another place, something that he was pleased about and he wasn’t going to push her about finding somewhere else. If he was honest with himself he couldn’t bare the thought of them not living here now, he loved the fact that he woke up every morning to Matilda’s laughter or to her jumping on his bed to wake up. Shan would usually be downstairs, coffee brewing as she made breakfast and packed Matilda’s lunch for school or if she had already left for work it would be up to him. They functioned like a normal family, eating together, taking care of Matilda together but they were not a normal family and although they were more comfortable around each other now, they were very much separate. Sleeping in separate rooms, usually doing their own things when Matilda was in bed or at school, a constant reminder about how their relationship had dramatically changed over the past few weeks.
I wish I could push a button and make the pain all go away
I wish I had the magic words but I don't know what to say
I wish I could take the wasted years and throw them all away
And it might sound easy for me to say
You are going to find a way to fix what's broken
Fix what's broken
All those big dreams that were so important,
They don't mean anything now,
All you need is love
All those hard times when people hurt you,
They don't mean anything now
All you need is love
Love is all you need to fix what's broken
Love is all you need to fix what's broken
The time is going to come when you say that enough is enough
The time is going to come when you stop beating yourself up
Stop beating yourself up
Stop beating yourself up
Love is all you need to fix what's broken
Love is all you need to fix what's brokena32;
Ever clear - Broken
Chapter End Notes:
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