- 2003 -
“Good morning beautiful! How are you?” Leighanne Littrell, bright and bubbly as always, asked as I answered the phone with a yawn.
“Exhausted, but good,” I smiled. “Calling to make sure I didn’t go into labor?” I laughed.
“That and I wanted you to know that Nick is here…just incase you were worried,” she sounded sympathetic. I envied Leighanne. She had an amazing husband. My baby was about to be born and my husband hardly ever came home to spend time with me. I knew we had agreed to get married when I got pregnant. We knew my family would never be happy and we both knew the media would get a hay day out of it.
“Thanks, Leigh,” I sighed. “Has he been there the whole morning?”
“He crashed here last night. Brian and he went out on the back patio for a while and then they came back in and he crashed on the sofa,” she explained softly. “Sarah, maybe you should come over and get him or something.” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes so I bit on the inside of my lip.
“He can come home if he wants,” I said shortly. “It seriously doesn’t even matter anymore.” I nestled the phone between my ear and my shoulder and started folding infant onesies to try and take my mind off the current situation.
“Sarah, that’s not true. You know it matters. I’m going to have Brian drive Nick home, alright?” She asked me.
“Fine,” I agreed. He had to come home sometime. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I wasn’t angry with Nick - I knew he hadn’t been out sleeping with some other women since he stayed at Leigh and Brian’s all night long. But still. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want to come home to me every night? I continued to fold the clothes for the unborn baby. I was so excited to be pregnant. Growing up I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I first met Nick, I thought I was in love. He was the typical musician - totally infatuated with everything about being in a band. But I followed. I allowed him to walk all over me. I was the ‘perfect girlfriend’ to someone that wanted to fool around.
About fifteen minutes later I heard the front door swing open and then close. No words, just footsteps came up the stairs. I didn’t dare turn around to face him in the doorway. “Hey.” He mumbled. I turned to look at him, trying to hide the tears that had been in my eyes.
“Hi,” I mumbled back as I continued to fold the onesies.
“I’m gonna go work a little in the studio,” he managed to say and headed down the stairs into his studio-office. As soon as I heard the door close, I sat down in the rocking chair we had set up by the window and began to cry. I didn’t even know what to do anymore. It seemed like every time he came home he went into that studio of his. I knew it was his work, but I didn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I wanted to know but I was too afraid to ask. I looked at a picture of us on the wall from when we were really happy. I touched the picture, only to bring more tears to my eyes. I had to do something. I had to talk to him.
I waddled down the stairs to his studio. I knew he hated being bothered when he was in there, but I could never seem to catch him when he wasn’t in there. I knocked softly on the door to catch his attention. He glanced over and waved me in. “Everything okay?” He asked me, immediately assuming something was wrong.
“Not really, Nick,” I folded my arms over my stomach, tears still streaming down my face. A frown curved over his brow and he stood up to approach me.
“What’s wrong, Sar? Are you in labor?” He asked me worriedly, placing a hand on my belly to observe. I rolled my eyes and shook my head ‘no’, more tears pooling in my big brown eyes. “Well, what is it then?” He folded his arms over his chest defensively.
“Do you love me, Nick?” I asked him simply. I understand it was a pretty deep question, but that doesn’t mean it was a hard question. He should have been able to answer it in a matter of seconds.
“Did you seriously come down here to ask me that?” He sounded as if he was defending himself – as if I was trying to attack him or something. I shrugged and nodded.
“It shouldn’t be that difficult of a question. I need to know. Do you love me?” I asked again. He licked his lips and looked at the glass door I had just walked through.
“Of course,” he shrugged. He leaned in and pecked my cheek quickly and turned back to his recording equipment. It wasn’t good enough for me. He seemed far from sincere. I shook my head as a sob crawled up my throat.
“You’re ridiculous, Nick,” I mumbled and stalked out of the studio. I was shocked when I realized he was following me. I carefully hurried up the stairs to the master bedroom where I pulled out my suitcase and started piling the clothes in it. “Why the fuck did you marry me then, huh? You should have left me when I found out I was pregnant. That way you could sleep around with all the fucking sluts you wanted and I wouldn’t have to be hurting right now!” I yelled angrily, causing more tears to spill out my eyes.
“What the hell are you talking about, Sarah? Is this about last night? Because I was at Brian’s…I swear. You can call Leigh and ask her,” he tried to defend himself.
“Not just last night, Nick. It’s about every night. Every night that you don’t come home. Or better yet, every night you do come home and crawl in bed and turn away from me. I know how horny you are. Do you realize we haven’t had sex for seven months?! It’s like, as soon as I got fat you turned away from me or something,” I threw more clothes in a suitcase.
“Where are you going?” He didn’t try to argue me on the fact that we hadn’t had sex. I knew he was getting it from another source.
“Leighanne’s,” I mumbled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “And if you follow me, I’ll only run farther away. I don’t know what else to do.” I shrugged. “I’ve tried everything, Nick. And I’m tired. I can’t put up with this anymore.”
“You haven’t tried talking to me, Sarah. You haven’t brought this up at all,” he defended, folding his arms over his chest.
“You’re never around for me to bring it up!” I yelled back. “You’re always gone. Whether it be for work or just being out. You’re never here. Do you realize Brian and Leigh helped me set up the nursery? You were nowhere around. Our son is about to be born and I honestly don’t even feel like you love me…or him. I feel like I’m the only one that wants this baby. Do you realize how terrible of a feeling that is?”
He was silent. I assumed he hadn’t realized how much this was eating away at me. I muttered a goodbye and hurried back down the stairs. This time I knew he wasn’t following me. He had given up – like always. It wasn’t anything new. I would never expect Nick to follow me anyway.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm back! An update on my health:
Yes, I'm still quite sick. Unfortunately I can only report that things have remained the same/gotten worse in the past few weeks. I've been in and out of the hospital, but as of right now, things are more stable than ever. So, I started writing again.
I really want to touch back on my old stories [especially "Every moment in between"]. So watch for updates from that/those very soon!
This story, however, is going to contain the disease I have somewhere along the way. Hopefully in a new light that hasn't been overdone. [Just read it, you'll see :)].
I'll try and keep you updated as time goes on. But right now I just thank you for your patience and your kind words that I received when I announced that I had been diagnosed. Thank you!!
Yes, I'm still quite sick. Unfortunately I can only report that things have remained the same/gotten worse in the past few weeks. I've been in and out of the hospital, but as of right now, things are more stable than ever. So, I started writing again.
I really want to touch back on my old stories [especially "Every moment in between"]. So watch for updates from that/those very soon!
This story, however, is going to contain the disease I have somewhere along the way. Hopefully in a new light that hasn't been overdone. [Just read it, you'll see :)].
I'll try and keep you updated as time goes on. But right now I just thank you for your patience and your kind words that I received when I announced that I had been diagnosed. Thank you!!
