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As I turn and walk away, I can hear him crying. I find myself crying too. I really didn’t want it to be this way. What had I gotten myself into? I was hurting someone that I cared deeply about, but when I look at the big picture, I don’t see another way. I can’t be with both of them, and I had to choose the one I loved the most. I know that it is Nick. The only problem with that is that AJ probably loves me more than Nick does. I having a feeling that I am setting myself up for more pain, but I have to follow my heart.


I pull my cell phone out and call Nick. “Hey…. I am done. You can come back and get me.”


“You are done already. I just left like five minutes ago.” He replied.


“Lets just say it didn’t go to well.”


“OK… I will be right there.” Nick hung up the phone. He wondered what was said to make the conversation end so quickly.


I sat down and the edge of the side walk and buried my face into my hands. It wasn’t long before Nick was pulling up. He got out of the car and walked up to me. He reached down and took my hand and pulled me up. He wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest.


“Shhhh…” he said, “It’s going to be alright.” He added as he rub my back.


“He was so horrible Nick. I can’t believe he said those things to me.”


“Shhh… It’s OK. Lets just go, we can talk on the way home.”


I nod my head as I walk over and get into the car. The first few minutes not a single word was said. Nick kept looking at me though. I could feel his eyes trying to burn a hole in my head. He wanted me to talk. He was just afraid to ask.


“I am alright.” I finally announced.


“Are you sure, I mean you were really upset?” he asked sincerely.


“I did something pretty shitty, that I now feel horrible about” I admitted.


“What did you do?” he asked.


“Well,” I took a deep breath, “I kind of made him think that I was going to pick him.”


Nick looked shocked for a second and then said “What made you do that?”


“Well he was saying all of these horrible things about me. He called me a whore and told me that he was through with me. All this time he was under the influence that I had come to tell him that I was choosing you.”


Nick nodded for me to continue.


“Well, I then was so angry that he was being so cold that I thought that maybe I could just make him think that he was the one who called it off.”


Nick was getting a little mad, I could see it in his face.


“….I know Nick it is horrible of me, and I am so regretting it now.”


“You have to tell him that you choose me.” Nick demanded. “I refuse to have him going around thinking that the only reason you are with me is because he didn’t want you anymore.”


“Nick, I am sorry, but how do I go back now and tell him that I was really going to choose you?”


“I don’t know, but you need to figure it out.”


We were silent the rest of the way home. Nick was pissed I could tell. He was chewing on the inside of his mouth, like he always does when he was pissed. I continued to silently cry , wiping tears from my eyes ever so often. Why couldn’t I just let him say what ever he wanted, and just leave it at that? Why did I have to put all of this on AJ’s shoulders. Why does he have to carry this?


When we got home Nick still didn’t say much. All he said was that I better fix it. How was I suppose to fix it? I laid in bed all night barely sleeping. Finally at four in the morning I got up and slid my shoes on. I walked down stairs and grabbed the keys to the car and went to AJ’s.


I knocked on his door for what seemed like forever. Finally he opened it. He looked surprised to see me. “Ummm….come in.” He said as moved to the side to allow me to enter.


“What are you doing here?” he asked


“I couldn’t leave things the way they were earlier. And I am feeling really guilty and need to tell you something.”


“Ok, go ahead, I am listening.” Replied as he crossed his arms over his chest.


“Earlier today when I told I came to tell you that I chose you…. I didn’t”


“I know.” He replied. “I am not dumb Dess. At first I was like SHIT, but then I realized why the hell you would sleep with AJ today if you knew you were going to pick me. That when it hit me… you weren’t going to pick me, you already picked Nick.”


“I am sorry, Alex, I was just looking for a way to make you hurt more for saying all that shit about me. I just wanted you to be hurting like I was when you called me a fucking whore.”


AJ looked down at the ground. He ran his hand over the back of his neck and then looked up at me. “I didn’t mean those things Dess. I too, was just looking for a way to hurt you. I just wanted to do it before you hurt me. It was like a defense mechanism or something. I didn’t mean it.”


“I am really sorry Jay. I really do love you a lot. I just had to follow my heart. And in the end I will probably regret it, because you probably love me more than Nick, but I just have to go with my gut.”


AJ nodded his head and pulled me in for a hug “Still Friends?” he asked.


“Always.” I replied. I looked up at him and pulled my face up to him and kissed me softly on the lips. He pulled away and looked dead at me and said “I’ll miss you. You are always welcome back in my heart.”


I hugged him tightly and thanked him for being so understanding. I left pretty quickly to get back to Nick’s house. I opened the door and Nick was sitting on the couch. He looked pissed.


“Where the hell have you been, and why the hell didn’t you tell me you were taking me car?”


“I went to AJ’s.”


“In the middle of the night? Why? What did you do with him?” he yelled.


“I didn’t do anything with him, Nick. I couldn’t let all that shit that happened today stay on my conscience. I went to tell him the truth.”


I could see that Nick immediately felt bad for jumping to conclusions. “Oh…. Ummm. How did he take it?”


“He said that he already knew. He said that there would be no way that I would have slept with you if I was really going to chose him. And he told me he was sorry for calling me a whore. He said that he was just trying to put up a defense system for his own emotions. I apologized for the way I handle things and we talked for a few more minutes and then I left.”


“So everything is OK with you guys?”


“Yeah, I think so. We agreed that we would still be friends. I mean it isn’t like we were dating or anything, we just you know,….sleep together a few times.”


Nick clinched his jaw when I said that. “Yeah, don’t remind me.”


“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too….”


“No, it is OK. I will just have to learn to deal with the fact that my girl slept with one of my best friends.”


“Look, Nick. If this is really going to be a problem, maybe use being together really isn’t such a good idea. I mean, I don’t need you throwing this up in my face every time we get in an argument. And besides, I never cheated on you. You broke up with me and I got with AJ…. I did nothing to you.”


Nick just looked down at the ground for a few more minutes and then looked up at me. “Your right. I am sorry. I am very glad you are back. I am so sorry for everything I put you through.” He got up and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms and kissed me on my head.


“I love you, Dess.”


“I love you, too.”


THREE WEEKS LATER


I sit up in bed and look around. I have a familiar feeling in my stomach and I jump up and run to the bathroom. Holy shit this can not happen to me again. I sit down on the toilet and begin to cry. God, please don’t let this be what I think it is. Oh shit, if I am, who’s is it. God please no, please don’t let me be pregnant. I sat there for a few more minutes regaining my composer.


I walk back out into the room and luckily Nick didn’t wake up, he was still asleep. I gather my clothes and slide them on. I wasn’t about to wait to find out whether or not I was pregnant. I leave him a note on the night stand and leave. I walk into the store and dreadfully grab and EPT test and go directly to the bathroom after paying for it. I wait for wait seemed like forever, but in reality it was only 2 minutes. I pick up the stick and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. There were two lines. I am fucking pregnant. AGAIN!!!! FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I am so screwed. How the hell am I going tell both AJ and Nick that you might be a daddy.


I compose myself and head back to Nick’s house. When I get there I hear him call from the kitchen and I walk in and it is like he immediately knows that something is wrong.

“What is wrong? Are you OK?”


“No, I am not.” Here goes nothing I think to myself. “I think you might want to sit down for this.” I add.


Nick sat down on a stool at the bar and said “OK…. Talk to me.”


“Nick,” I take a deep breath, “I am pregnant.”


All of the color drained from Nicks face, and I was sure we was about to freak out on me. Instead he took a deep breath and said. “That is great, baby. When did you find out and how far along are you?”


“No Nick, it isn’t great. This is totally fucked up. I am only a few weeks pregnant, because I had a period after I lost the last one.”


“OK….” Nick was looking at me confused.


“NICK!!! Hello, do I have to spell it out for you?”


“I guess so, cause I am kind of lost.”


“I had sex with you and AJ within 72 hours of one another. How in the hell am I supposed to know who’s child this is?”


“HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DESS!!” he yelled at me.


“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.”