~August 25, 2003~

"Here we are, babe!" AJ exclaimed as he pulled into their driveway.

Katie was stuffed between the two infant car seats in the back seat of their SUV.  She was completely terrified.

AJ put the car in park and got out.  He went and opened the back door to the SUV and pulled out Jakob's car seat.  After setting it down he reached in to help Katie get out and then went around for Joslin.

Katie didn't say anything as she took the keys from AJ and went up to the front door to unlock it.  AJ easily grabbed both infant seats and carried the twins inside.

"Here's your home, babies," he cooed to the two very alert babies.

He set them down in the foyer and kicked off his shoes.  Katie had already gone into the house, and AJ assumed she'd gone up to the nursery.

"Hey babe?  When do you have to feed them again?" he called up, but she didn't answer.

AJ left the babies secured in their seats in the foyer and went to find her.  He went up to the nursery, hoping to find her there.  The nursery was empty.  He hadn't seen her in the master bedroom when he'd passed it, but we went to check anyways.  It was empty as well.  He came back down the stairs; maybe she'd gone into the kitchen.  AJ finally found her on the swing in the back yard.

"Hey babe, I didn't know where you went."

"Sorry," she sniffled, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying.  Here eyes were all red and puffy giving her away.

"Babe, what's wrong?" AJ glanced back in the house towards the foyer and walked around the swing and sat next to her.

She shook her head, "I don't know if I can do this."

"Of course you can babe.  And I'm here, too.  We'll get through this," AJ replied, trying to comfort her.  One of the babies began to cry then, realizing that they'd been left alone.  AJ glanced back at the house again.

"I don't think they like me," Katie whispered.

AJ's jaw dropped, "Of course they like you, you're their mommy."

Katie shook it off, not wanting AJ to think she was being ridiculous.  She slowly nodded.  She was scared that she wouldn't be able to do it, scared that if AJ left her alone with the babies something would go wrong.

AJ got up to tend to the crying baby and Katie sat there, alone and scared, crying again.  He'd expected her to follow him, to help him with their babies, but she hadn't.  When he returned with Jakob cradled in his arms, Katie wiped the tears away again.

"I think he's hungry babe," AJ said, trying to hand Jakob to her.

Reluctantly Katie took the baby, but it didn't feel right.  She didn't feel like a mom.  She didn't feel like she should be holding this baby, preparing to nurse him, keeping him forever.

AJ walked back into the house, leaving Katie alone with Jakob.  She tensed up, suddenly unsure of her parenting abilities.

Jakob sensed her stress and his little body tensed up as well.  He immediately began crying, sending Katie into tears again, too.

"I can't do this!" Katie yelled out for AJ.  Her eyes were squeezed shut and the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy rushed over her.

AJ came rushing out to the back yard, stuffed diaper bag in hand, to where his fiancé and son were crying, "Babe, what's wrong?"

"I just...I can't..."

AJ dropped the diaper bag they'd been sent home with onto the ground.  He wrapped his arm around her, rubbing her back slowly, "It's okay.  The doctor said you would be tired.  Maybe you should just go lay down for a little while?"

Katie shook her head, "He needs to eat."

"The hospital sent home a few bottles of formula.  I'll feed Jakob and Joslin, you go lay down," AJ insisted and took Jakob from Katie's arms.  Jakob immediately began to settle down and his cries became soft whimpers.

Katie shook her head again, the tears taking over, "No, I said I would breastfeed.  I need to feed him!"

"Babe, one or two bottles isn't going to hurt.  You look exhausted.  Go lay down, you'll feel better," AJ grabbed the diaper bag and carried it and baby Jakob back into the house.

Katie finally gave in, letting AJ take Jakob.  He stopped crying the second AJ took him.  That confirmed her suspicions that the babies didn't like her.  She wasn't meant to be a mom.  If she was, then her own baby wouldn't cry when she held him!

Katie got up and slowly made her way to the master bedroom.  She didn't even bother taking her shoes off of changing her clothes.  She lay down on the bed, once again letting the tears flow freely.  She cried herself to sleep.

*****

"It takes a lot to know what is love.  It's not the big things, but the little thing that can mean enough.  A lot of prayers to get me through..." AJ sang softly to Joslin and Jakob as he rocked them back and forth.  AJ had a baby cradled in each arm as he softly sang to them.

Katie opened her eyes slowly, the light from the hall rousing her.  She could hear something down the hall and she pushed herself up out of the bed to investigate.  She walked down the hall toward the sound of AJ singing.

Katie stood in the doorway and watching AJ with their babies.  That's what a parent was supposed to do.  They were supposed to comfort their child, calm them and love them.  Katie was incapable of that.

"I'm always there for you, pushing you and guiding you, always too succeed.  I'll show you, now that you're young just how to grow.  I'll show you, everything that you should know.  I'll show you, just how to walk without my hands, cause I will always be yourperfect fan," AJ leaned down and pressed a soft kiss onto each of the babies heads.

Once he was sure both were asleep, AJ carefully got himself up and out of the rocking chair to lay the babies in a crib.  The books and doctors all said that it was good for newborn twins to co-sleep, giving them the security of being together just like they had been in utero.

Katie just stood watching him with the babies.  AJ was meant to be a father, Katie knew that much.

Katie didn't notice that AJ had turned away from the crib.  He'd started walking out of the room, leaving the babies to sleep peacefully.

"How long have you been there?" AJ asked, startling Katie back into reality.

"Sorry, I should've come in to help you."

"We managed.  Are you okay?"

Katie nodded, "I think I was just really tired.  I didn't realize I'd slept so long.  You should've woken me up."

"I tried," AJ responded, "You were so out of it."

Katie hung her head, completely ashamed, feelings of guilt washed over her.  AJ stepped around her and walked down the hall back to their bedroom.  Katie followed.

"I'm sorry."

"You said that already babe.  I just don't understand what's going on."

"I just...nothing.  I'm fine."

That was becoming her mantra.  She needed to assure everyone that she was fine.  Even though she knew she wasn't.

"You're not fine.  You couldn't even hold Jakob earlier!"

"He was crying!  I was tired!  I'm sorry!"

"You haven't even called them by their names," AJ sighed, "I know that this wasn't how we planned on things happening, but there's not much we can do now!  They're here, and they're our babies."

Katie froze.  Had she really not spoken the babies names?  She thought back over the short amount of time she'd spent with them today and couldn't recall even talking to the babies, let alone speaking their names.

"Oh my God...I'm horrible," Katie whispered.

AJ pulled off his shirt and pants, undressing to get into bed, "You're not horrible.  I just don't get what's going on.  I thought we were okay.  I thought we were going to get through this together."

Katie sat on the edge of the bed playing with her hands.  This couldn't be right.  How could a woman give birth to two beautiful babies, and want nothing to do with them?

When Katie didn't say anything else, AJ got into bed and turned off his light, "When you feel like you want to talk to me about what's going on in there, I'm here."

*****

Katie hadn't been able to fall back to sleep after her conversation with AJ.  She lay silently in bed, alternating between tears and anger.  She was completely ashamed that she hadn't been able to get up to take care of her own babies.  And she was angry with AJ for expecting her to be supermom their first day home.  She felt guilty for not being able to do what she needed to do.

When the babies started crying a few hours later, Katie pushed herself out of the bed and went down the hall.  She needed to do this.  Katie needed to go down that hall to her babies.  Katie needed to show both herself and AJ that she was fine, that she could do it.

She peeked into the dark nursery, completely terrified.  Katie finally forced herself into the room and over to the crib.  She reached down to pick up Joslin, who was hysterically crying.

"Breathe, Katie, just breathe," she reminded herself as she cradled the screaming child.  Katie walked to the changing table and set Joslin down.  She pulled the snaps of the sleeper open and pulled the baby's kicking legs out.  Getting the wet diaper off was the easy part.  Putting a dry one on wasn't as easy.  She couldn't do it.  Joslin was squirming too much and Katie just couldn't do it.

"I've changed diapers before, I did it in the hospital just fine," Katie cried.  She wanted to stay calm, to get through this, but the tears were right there and her heart was racing and it was just too much.  She felt useless.

Eventaully she gave up and picked the screaming child up again, trying to calm her.  She didn't have the right words to say.  She couldn't sing to her like AJ had done earlier.  Her hiccuping in between sniffles caused more of a jerky motion than a soothing rocking.  It all seemed to make the sitaution worse, causing Joslin to become more and more upset, which just sent Jakob into tears as well.

AJ walked into the room, a little groggy, and went to Jakob.  He easily picked the tiny baby up and cradled him to his chest.  After whispering a few soothing words to the baby and a couple seconds of rocking, Jakob was again silent.  The tears Katie had been trying to unsuccesfully hold back finally pushed their way through even more, "I can't do this."

Katie put Joslin down in the crib again and rushed out of the room.  AJ was again left to care for their newborn twins by himself.