"Mornin' babe," AJ glanced at Katie as he walked into their bedroom, Jakob on his shoulder.

Katie nodded in response.  She'd been laying awake in bed for almost an hour, trying to force herself to get up and make another attempt with the babies.

"Kristin and Kevin are coming over in a little while to see the babies," AJ set Jakob on the bed and changed his shirt, "Just thought you might want to get up and get dressed."

Katie didn't respond, but instead tried to force the tears back again.  She didn't want AJ to see her crying yet again.  AJ lifted Jakob back onto his shoulder again and left the room.  Katie buried her face in the pillow as her body shook from crying.

Finally she stopped and pulled her face out of the pillow.  She wiped the wetness from her face and sat up.  Willing her body to move, she finally got up and went into the bathroom.  If should couldn't even get up and take care of herself, how was she going to help AJ with their babies?

She felt slightly refreshed from a shower, and she put on some clean clothes.  After brushing her long hair into a wet ponytail, Katie walked out of the bedroom.  As she got to the top of the stairs she could hear multiple voices.  Kristin and Kevin had arrived.

"I just don't know what to do," AJ sighed.

"Have you talked to her?" Kevin questioned.

"I've tried.  She won't talk to me.  All she does is cry.  She doesn't hold them, hasn't fed them once...I don't even think she's spoken their names.  It's been three days...I don't know what to do any more!"

Katie stood at the top of the stairs and quietly listened to her fiance.  She could hear the pain and confusion in his voice and she felt guilty.  She'd gotten so lost in her guilt that she hadn't heard the rest of the conversation or the footseps that came towards the stairs.

"Hey you, I was just coming to find you," Kristin smiled, trying to bee cheery.

Katie quickly wiped the tears away again and forced a smile, "Here I am.  I must have been in the shower when you guys got here."

Kristin continued up the stairs, gently grabbing Katie's elbow to direct her, "Let's go talk alone for a few?"

Katie nodded and followed Kristin back to the master bedroom. The girls sat down on the bed, neither completely sure what to say.

"I'm going to assume you heard us talking downstairs?"

Katie didn't respond, instead choosing to play with her hands in her lap.  She didn't even look up at Kristin.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Talk to me.  What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Katie you need to talk.  Alex is terrified that you changed your mind.  He's afraid you don't want this all."

"I don't know...I just...I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't do anything.  It's all wrong.  They don't like me!" Katie cried, gesturing towards the door to indicate the twins.

"They?  Jakob and Joslin?"

Katie nodded.

"Why would you ever think Jakob and Joslin don't like you?"

Katie couldn't admit why.  She couldn't' admit that she was scared.  She was scared of messing up, dropping one of them, hurting one of them.  She was scared that she wasn't actually meant to be a mother.  She was scared that AJ was a better parent than her, and that he would realized that and take the babies and leave her.

"Of course they like you.  You're their mother, Katie.  They love you," Kristin tried to reassure her.

The girls sat together in silence for a few more minutes.  Kristin was hoping that Katie would finally open up, but it didn't happen.

"Are you going to come down?  Kev will be upset if he doesn't get to see you."

Katie nodded and stood up.  They went back downstairs to find Kevin cooing over Jakob, and AJ holding Joslin.  When AJ looked up, Kristin shrugged apologetically at him.

Katie sat quietly, answering questions with as little talking as possible.

*****

AJ walked into their bedroom that night, both babies fast asleep in their shared crib.  He wasn't going to push it any further, he was just going to give Katie her time and hope things would straighten out.  He didn't know what else to do.

Instead, the anger and upset took over, "Do you not want to be with us?"

Katie stopped brushing her hair and looked at AJ through the mirror in the master bathroom.  Her eyes widened, she was shocked that he'd jumped to that conclusion.

When she didn't respond, AJ continued, "Is that was it is?  Because I damn well can't figure out what else is going on with you!  You can't even fucking take care of your own damn babies!"

Katie breathed in deeply.  She wasn't upset at AJ for yelling at her, but at herself for making him.  If she didn't want to lose him, she was going to have to talk to him.  She set the brush down on the bathroom counter and turned to walk out of the bathroom.

AJ, discouraged by her lack of response, went about getting ready for bed.  He was going downhill fast.  The lack of sleep from caring for two newborns all alone was catching up to him fast.  If he had any hope of continuing, he needed to sleep when he could.

Katie walked in and sat down on her side of the bed.  She watched AJ move around the room and she realized how much she'd missed him.  They hadn't talked more than a simple good morning or good night since they'd come home from the hospital.  And even though they were sleeping in the same bed, they might as well have been in separate rooms.  The closeness was no longer there.

"I'm scared," Katie whispered.  At first she wasn't sure AJ had heard her and she tried to work up the courage to say it again louder.

After a few seconds AJ stopped and turned to look at her, "Scared of what?"

"Everything..." Katie breathed in deeply, trying to figure out how to say what she needed to say, "I'm scared of hurting them."

"Babe, they're not the first babies you've been around.  Hell, you have more experience than I do at this!  You're meant to be a mother."

"I just...it doesn't feel right.  They cry whenever I hold them.  You come in and take them and the world is right again.  I'm their mother!  I'm supposed to be able to do that!"

"First of all, they have names.  If you just relax and go with it, you'll be great!"

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you.  I know how much you wanted Jakob and Joslin.  I know how wonderful you are.  And I read more of those baby books than you think...babies sense stress and they react.  You know all that.  There has to be more to it than that."

"The doctor said I would be a little off...hormones."

"This is more than a little.  There has to be something more that you're not talking about.  You haven't talked to the babies once since we've brought them home."

"I'm just scared."

"We went through this already."

"I know, but...what if I'm not fine?  What if I'm absolutely horrible?"

"You won't be."

"But what if I am?  What if you see that I'm not a good mother?"

AJ caught on to what Katie was getting at, "Then we'll work through it.  Me and you together.  But it's not gonna happen because I know you will be the most amazing mom."

Katie still had her doubts, but the assurances from AJ helped.

"I could never leave you babe," AJ walked over and sat next to her on the bed, "We're meant to be together.  We're meant to be a family."

AJ leaned in and softly kissed Katie before getting comfortable under the sheets.  Katie got under the sheets as well, and, for the first time in over a week, AJ pulled Katie close to him.

*****

Katie slowly opened her eyes, the fuzzy world coming into focus.  She still felt AJ's arms wrapped loosely around her, could feel his breath on the back of her neck as he slept.  Then she realized why she'd woken up.  She could hear crying from down the hall.

She could do this.  AJ told her she could do this.  It was all going to be okay.  Before AJ could wake up, Katie extricated herself from his limbs and crept out of the room and down the hall.  She walked into the nursery, using only the nightlight in the corner of the room to see.

"Hi baby girl," Katie whispered and reached into the crib.

Joslin had wiggled her way out of the blanket she'd been snugly wrapped in.  Katie gently put her hands on the baby's stomach and she felt the baby's heartbeat, felt the rise and fall of the whimpering baby's chest.  After taking a deep and calming breath, Katie wrapped her hands around Joslin and lifted her from the crib.

Katie held Joslin to her chest, gently patting the baby's back to soothe her.  Joslin's whimpers quickly stopped as she relaxed in her mother's arms.  Katie couldn't help but smile at this boost of confidence, and she took Joslin over to the rocking chair.  She got comfortable in the chair, Joslin cradled in her arms, and she began to nurse her small daughter for the first time since they'd come home.

Katie gently rocked back and forth as Joslin nursed happily.  She looked down at her daughter, watching her small mouth move, feeling her tiny breaths.  Joslin made small, satisfied coos as she nursed and Katie grinned.

"I love you Joslin," Katie whipsered, "I love you and Jakob with all my heart."

AJ stood quietly in the doorway, watching his fiance and daughter in the rocking chair.  A smile spread across his face and he knew the worst was over.