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June 17, 2005

Journal –

Leighanne brought home a new dog today. It’s a feisty little thing. Baylee is scared of it, for some reason. We should get the Tahoe back the day after tomorrow. Thanks goodness! Leighanne is driving me crazy with her constant complaint of the Blazer. I am not going to even pretend like I understand why she hates it so much. THEN she fed Baylee Coco Puffs again before leaving this morning! I fixed that though.

I called Nick. He was happy to come over and spend the day with us. Did I mention he is between girlfriends right now? Anyways, he and AJ actually came and spent the day. We played around in the pool for the most part and Nick looks like a lobster now. He never remembers to put on sunscreen, which is hilarious because he made sure that Baylee had some on. Define ‘blonde’, again?

AJ had to leave a bit early because what’s her name called whining that he wasn’t with her. I am guessing it’s more because he wasn’t spending money on her. I really hope he dumps her soon. No one likes her and she even admits that she can’t stand him. What sense does that make? I feel so bad for him because he fails to see her ulterior motive. I just wish he could find real love. It would do him a world of good to have a decent woman on his arm.

Nothing else really happened today. Overall it was an enjoyable day. Nick and I are working with Baylee on his basketball skills…it is better to start early! We ordered pizza for lunch and had popcorn after Baylee’s nap. Shhh, don’t tell Leighanne. I sent the empty pizza boxes with Nick; he usually disposes of them so she doesn’t know I broke her diet rules.

Alright, now that I have said all of that…Goodnight.

KIDDING! I crack myself up. Seriously, I need to evaluate Nick. Nick doesn’t even want kids. Doesn’t that throw a bit of a damper on making him the guardian? Wouldn’t he just pass Baylee along to the next in line? You know, I don’t think he would. Nick loves Baylee! And, Baylee loves Nick.

Part of me thinks Nick would make a good guardian, but then the other part of me laughs and says “yeah right!” Nick is a child at heart which could work for him or against him. I don’t know that Nick really has the authority in him. He tries to take responsibility, but it usually doesn’t work out for the poor guy. The other Carter kids don’t really respect him. How do I know that Baylee will?

Nick can be a bit of a push over. He wants so badly to be accepted that he will do almost anything. I can’t ensure that Baylee wouldn’t take advantage of that, as he got older. Kids test their limits and push the buttons on their authority. I’m not so sure that Nick will be able to stand strong. Nick would want to be friends with Baylee and that might make it hard for him to enforce rules because he won’t want Baylee to think he wasn’t ‘cool’.

Most of Nick’s attributes can’t be classified as a pro or a con because it could go either way depending, both, on him and on Baylee. I like to think that Baylee will grow up to be a decent, well mannered, respectful, responsible young man; but who knows? If something were to happen to me and Leighanne, he may go into a rebellion stage or denial. He may try to push his limits further because his guardian isn’t his real dad. Who knows how old Baylee would be or how he would react? That’s what worries me. I have no way of telling what would happen and that makes it harder to decide who would best fit as his guardian. If he rebels…Howie would be better to control him, if he is strong and independent…maybe AJ would be the better choice, if he deals well and is a normal child…Nick would do just fine. See my dilemma?

I have done a lot of praying lately, that God would give me a sign. That he would point out the one that would be best suited. Maybe I haven’t gotten an answer because it won’t be an issue or maybe I am overlooking the obvious? Well, for now I am thinking Howie but I am going to hold out a few more days, just in case I missed something.

Please, dear Lord, help me with this! I need some serious guidance here. I will say another prayer before I climb into bed tonight. Hopefully He will hear my voice and answer my prayer. Good night, Journal.

- Brian Thomas Littrell


Closing the journal, I realized what I should be doing. I should be following in my father’s footsteps and taking the advice that was obviously written between the lines. I set the journal aside, noticing that it was, now, almost 1 o’clock in the morning. I slowly rose off my bed and got down on my knees beside it. Resting my elbows on the comforter, I folded my hands and began to pray.

“Dear Lord, it’s me, Baylee. I know we haven’t exactly spoken in a while. I’m really sorry that I haven’t followed in my dad’s footsteps. He was so strong in his faith but I question mine.” I kept my voice low. I didn’t want to wake AJ. Keeping my eyes shut tight, I continued my prayer…

“Right now, I need your help, Lord. My Uncle Kevin is trying to take me away from Nick. I’m not sure why, but I think you told my dad to leave me with Nick. You knew that my parents would leave me and you know when. The reason behind Nick being my guardian is still unknown to me, but I have been reading my dad’s journal to try to find out. You must want me here, Lord, and I am willing to accept that now.

“I have been so confused lately and I have mistreated a lot of people that are close to me. I pray that you will help me not to do it again. I feel so bad for hurting them but I don’t even know why I did it. I realize that I was wrong and I am not mad about being with Nick anymore. Is that why you sent us all this drama? To make me see how lucky I am to have Nick? I know it now, Lord, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. Please don’t let Kevin take me away. I might not understand why you want me with Nick, but I am accepting of it and happy with it. Please help us to stay together. Amen.”

I stood to me feet and climbed in to bed. Pulling the covers up to my chin, I snuggled in and tried to sleep. I lay awake for a long time, unable to sleep. It wasn’t the excitement of it being Christmas that kept me awake, but the worry and anticipation of how things would turn out. The last time I looked at the clock, it was pushing 2:30. Finally drifting off, I found myself in a fitful slumber. Dreams plagued my mind. I woke up several times because of the dreams of Kevin winning custody. He was mean and abusive in my dreams…it reminded me of a reversed version of Cinderella…except Mason wouldn’t be cruel.

Then, I dreamed of my father. He was walking with me in the park, telling me about how much he loved me. I told him I missed him and he said he did, too. He warned me to stay away from Kevin and then he vanished. Sweat poured down my face as I shot straight up in bed. What was going on? Why was I having these dreams? Was it a sign that I really SHOULD stay away from Kevin? And, why?

The sun shine seeped into the room, through the curtains. I heard AJ shifting, across the room. It wasn’t long before I heard him trudge down the stairs. Nick’s voice greeted him and then they all started whispering. Getting up, I walked to the edge of the loft and listened.

“We have to do something, Nick. The poor kid was up all night with nightmares. O didn’t want to embarrass him, so I just pretended to still be sleeping, but he was talking in his sleep, man and it wasn’t good. He’s scared of going with Kevin,” I could see the top of AJ’s head as he paced back and forth.

“We are all scared of him being with Kevin. Something needs to be done,” Howie stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed, still in his pajamas.

“Kevin just needs to get caught, is all there is to it. If he got caught, he wouldn’t have a case,” Nick slouched further into the recliner as he watched AJ pace. Looking at the clock, I saw it was not even 7, yet. Obviously, they figured I was sleeping.

“If he gets caught, we will have another Backstreet son needing an alternate guardian. Surely, Mason would be ripped right out of there. Kevin’s the one doing it but Kris knows about it so they would both loose parenting rights,” Howie reasoned. He was in one of his peacemaker / problem solver moods.

“So I’d have another adopted son. I can handle it, how bad could it be?” Nick shrugged.

“Stop, Nick, you creep me out when you go into that whole ‘I’m a father’ mode,” AJ stopped to glare at Nick.

“Whatever the case is, Kevin’s drug problem is getting out of control. I don’t know how he managed to keep it under wraps for so long, but he can’t hide it anymore. All traces of Kevin are gone…I don’t even know who this guy is,” Howie waved his hands in the air. My mind stopped…did he say…’drug problem’?

“I can’t stand the fucker,” AJ scowled.

“AJ, come on, let’s not toss those words around like that,” Howie softly laid a hand on AJ’s shoulder.

“Seriously, I hate his guts and I am sick of pretending that I don’t. I know I had a drug problem and it was my fault for letting it get the best of me but Kevin is the one who first offered the shit to me. I don’t know that I would have done it, if HE didn’t offer it. The concept of doing drugs hadn’t really crossed my mind, I was happy with my drinking. But, when Kevin offered me some pills…well it was Kevin for god sake…I didn’t question it. He was right though, it made me feel pretty damn good…next thing I know…I’m putting myself in rehab,” AJ shook his head and balled up his fists. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!

“Wait a tick,” Nick stood to his feet, “this has been going on THAT long?!? You’re fucking kidding me. Here, all that time, I just thought he was treating me like crap because I was so annoying to him.”

“He treated everyone like crap, we all just thought he was trying to protect us. I know I have said it before, but I’m going to say it again. I am really damn proud of you AJ. You made some mistakes but you manned up to them and you got yourself the help you needed. For that, I hold you high with respect. Kevin, on the other hand…” Howie sighed as he fell backwards onto the couch.

“Howie’s right. I’m really proud of you, too. We love you, Aje. But you have to tell me, how long has he been into this shit?” Nick looked at AJ expecting an answer.

“I have no idea. First time I found out was back in…’99, I think. He didn’t do it much back then and he was really good at hiding it. But, the drugs have really changed him. I’m just really glad Brian was compelled to give you guardianship, Nick, because I don’t think he even had a clue about Kevin’s drug usage,” AJ suddenly found himself in the arms of the other two men. I think this was the first time AJ confessed that Kevin introduced him to the drugs he was once addicted to. I quietly made my way down the stairs. I made it to them before they released from the hug, so I joined in, wrapping my arms around them as much as I could and causing them to all jump.

“Baylee!” Nick’s face turned pale as he frantically looked from AJ to Howie.

“Baylee…” AJ moved towards me. I just pulled him into a hug.

“No wonder I was having dreams of my dad telling me to do whatever I had to, to stay away from Kevin,” I gave them a weak smile. “I kind of like the idea of me, Mason and Nick as one big happily dysfunctional family.” I grinned at Nick, making him roll his eyes.

“So you heard how much, exactly?” Howie turned the focus back to the conversation they were having.

“Not long, just since AJ crawled out of bed,” I smirked. “So anyways…Merry Christmas, guys! I am so happy that we are spending the holiday together.

“Me, too,” all three of them responded. Looking around at each other they all broke into laughter. Oh yeah, we had broken the tension. Let the Christmas fun and games begin! Well…after breakfast.