The painful memories, still, fill my mind, on a regular basis. Once again, my life had been flipped upside down, by, yet, another unpredictable event. Looking back, on it, I still wonder what I could have done differently…if there was something I could have done, to stop it. I suppose there wasn’t anything that anyone could have done. No one even knows, quite, how it happened…what caused it. All I know is that it devastated me…and it took me a few years, to even be able to live a normal life, again. I’m 25, now, and it’s been 10 years, but it still comes to me, like it happened yesterday.
After dinner, that night, Nick had given me permission, to spend the evening in the barn. I had my father’s journal tucked under my arm, with full intensions of reading it. A smile crept onto my lips, as I climbed up, into the hayloft. I remembered how my father wrote about his time on the farm, the things he did, and how he used to sit in this very hayloft.
I spent, almost, four hours there, that night. My time was spent reading several journal entries, remembering my parents and early childhood, reflecting back on my time with Nick. All this time, I was unaware of the horrific event that was taking place. I sat thinking over every aspect, of my life…past…present…and future. There were things that I would have liked, to change, but mostly…I was content.
Forgive me, if my emotions overtake me, but it still hurts. By the time I climbed out, of that loft, and made my way, into the house, it was too late. I looked around, confused. It was only around midnight, but the house was silent. There were no voices…no bickering…not even, the soft noises, from a television. An unsettling feeling crept into my body, as I walked further into the house.
I called out, for Nick…then AJ…then Mason…I heard nothing. Pushing down the lump, in my throat, I called out again, this time for Howie…then Kevin…then for just anyone, to answer…again, I received nothing. My mind screamed that they could be outside, or sleeping, but my gut told me otherwise. Don’t ask me how I knew…I just knew…that something wasn’t right.
Walking into the living room, my fears were temporarily put to rest. Everyone was there, and appeared to be sleeping. Howie and AJ were on the couch, Nick was on the floor, Mason and Kevin passed out in the recliners. Reaching over, I shook Mason’s arm, calling his name, in an attempt to wake him up, but I snapped my hand back, when I realized his skin was cold. Quickly moving to AJ…then to each of the other guys, tears trailed down my cheeks.
Running into the kitchen, I called the paramedics, and frantically told them about my family. As I was speaking with them, I suddenly noticed an odd, rotten egg, smell. When I told the operator about the smell, she ordered that I get outside, immediately, and wait for help, to arrive. Obviously, I did as I was instructed, but sometimes I wish I would have stayed.
Tears continuously rolled down my face, as I tried to call the rest, of my family, but I had no signal, on my phone. I had no choice, but to stand, helplessly, and wait. Pacing back, and forth, I begged God, for this to be a really bad dream. The shrill sirens, and flashing lights, proved the reality, of the second worst day, of my life.
I completely shut down, after watching them, carry out my family, one by one. I was completely zombified, from that point on…and when they questioned me, at the station, I was too much, of a wreck, to offer any help. It wasn’t long, before my grandparents showed up, to take me, with them.
I didn’t find out, until weeks later, that the nasty smell was from a gas leak…and that’s what had taken the lives, of my family. I guess the gas leak was small enough that none, of them, noticed it…that they became used to the smell, and didn’t realize that anything was wrong. The gas slowly took over them until they lost consciousness, and eventually lost their lives. If I would have stayed, in the house, I would have met the same fate, and avoided all this pain.
Needless, to say, I had to move again, and transfer schools. I should have been upset about not being able to participate, in the state championships, with my team, but I was numb to everything. I soon lost contact with Morgan, Sean, Allison, and everyone else, at school. My grades, at the new school, plummeted to failing marks, and I made no attempt, to make friends or participate in sports. I had completely given up…on everything.
The years seemed to drag, yet they flew by. Now I’m married, and have a two year old daughter. The day I found out that Jenny was pregnant; I ran out and got my will ready. I didn’t have many decisions, to make…custody would be granted to my sister-in-law, and her husband, should anything ever happen to me, and Jenny. We didn’t have much money…since I had blown most, of my money, once I turned 18. So the will was simplistic, but I still got it done.
Life deals you a hand, of cards, and you never know when you’ll get a bad one…and there isn’t a dog-on thing that you can do, about it. I’ve learned that you have to be prepared for anything…but mostly, you have to prepare yourself, for the worst. It’s all a gamble…a roll of the dice…you place your bets and you win, or you lose. In my case…I’m down more than I am up.
“Baylee?” Looking up, from my writing, I turned, to my wife. “Dinner is about ready. How is the writing coming along?” I watched her cross the bedroom floor, and take a seat, on our bed. She really was a beautiful woman…she could have anyone that she wanted. I still can’t understand why she chose to stay, with me. My emotional state has always been present, and I know I put her through a lot.
“It’s alright, I guess.” Shrugging my shoulders, I made my way, to her. I sat down, beside her, and she took a hold, of my hand.
“I’m proud, of you, sweetheart. I know this is hard, for you.” Proud of me? How could she be? Locking eyes, with her, she gave me a weak smile. She knew I doubted the things she said…that’s one of the major issues, we have. My heart doesn’t want to let her in. I try to open up…to love her unconditionally…to be the husband that I know my father was…to support her, emotionally…but my heart shuts down. I do love her…and I know that’s why I lash out, sometimes. I’m so afraid of losing her, too.
“Thanks.” I whisper, breaking our eye contact. Standing up, I offer her my hand. When she takes a hold, of it, I pull her up, and we head downstairs. Walking in, I see our table set nicely, just like every other night, and dinner already waiting.
Maybe, someday, I’ll be able to let go. Perhaps I’ll be able to move on, and live my life happily, but for now, I am still broken and torn. I miss my family…even Kevin…and I miss them, all, so badly, that my heart, continuously, aches. Sometimes I wish I would have gone, with them, just because I can’t bare the pain. I’m writing this book, hoping that letting it out, will help, and I truly hope that it does.
I don’t know who would want to read this…maybe fans of my father and the group…maybe people that can, just, relate, to my pain…I don’t know. I guess this might even help someone else cope, with their own emotional turmoil. But let me tell you this…you aren’t alone. I know the pain, and I know the loss…you aren’t alone.
This is Life According To Baylee…as told by me, Baylee Thomas Wylee Litrell.
This book is dedicated to my family, whom I hope to see again, one day…
Brian Thomas and Leighanne Reena (Wallace) Littrell
Nickolas Gene Carter
Alexander James McLean
Howard Dwaine Dorough
Kevin Scott Richardson
And Mason Richardson
Author's Chapter Notes:
This was a chapter written as an April Fool's Joke. You may choose to skip this chapter, as it has nothing to do with the actual story!
