A half hour later, I was still lying on the bed, staring at the open journal. My eyes stayed fixed, on the journal, but I wasn’t actually reading because my mind was churning, a mile a minute. I was expecting Nick or Kevin to come pounding on my door, and I was beginning to worry why it hadn’t happened, yet.
Letting out a long sigh, I sat up, tossing dad’s journal onto the pillow. My feet hit the floor and I stood up, heading to the door. I quietly flipped the lock and cracked open the door. The only thing I heard was a heated discussion, coming from downstairs. My mind screamed, to go back in the room, and take advantage of the fact that they weren’t yelling at me, like they should be. But noooooo! Curiosity got the best of me and I started making my way to the stairs. My bare feet skimmed across the carpet, as I quietly descended the stairs.
I stopped, once I reached the landing, at the bottom, of the stairs. My hand rested on the banister, as I started listening in, to the conversation. From what I could tell, all the adults were in there. Taking a deep breath, I moved a little closer, leaning my back against the wall, outside the living room’s two, sliding, wood doors.
“You’re the one that told him to check the fences!” Nick’s voice pierced the air, suddenly, making me flinch. His voice was filled with more emotion than I’ve heard, in a long time.
“It should have just been taken to the junk yard, to begin with. Baylee wouldn’t have found it, and none of this would be happening, right now, if you would have just listened to me.” Kevin scoffed, with a sarcastic chuckle. I knew that, if I could see their faces, they would portray some serious anger and frustration.
“I couldn’t do that, Kevin! The car was new…well…you know what I mean.” I would bet that Nick had his fingers, in his hair, at this point. There was something different about his voice…it wasn’t just anger or frustration, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was beginning to seem like they were more upset, about me finding the car, than me breaking the rules. This was something new. What the heck is so special about that old crashed car…besides that it’s totally awesome?
“We’re just lucky you got the interior done, before you ditched the project.”
“Don’t get pissy with me, Kevin. You know that I couldn’t finish it, then. I had started it, before getting custody, of Baylee. Once he moved in with me, I was too busy…besides, how was I going to sneak off and work on it?” I heard AJ and Howie groaning, as Nick and Kevin continued their battle, of words. I couldn’t understand why this was such a touchy subject.
“So we just dumped it, on the back forty?!?” Kevin’s voice rose, to a new height. I could only imagine how thick the air was, in that room. At least I was lucky enough to be standing outside of the room.
“I would like to get it back out and finish it, at some point.”
“And how do you plan to do that, Nickolas? Baylee is old enough to understand…don’t you think that would be rough, on him?” Old enough to understand what? Okay, seriously, they were getting so mad that they weren’t, even, making sense, anymore!
“Well…” AJ’s voice piped up. I couldn’t contain myself anymore, and I poked my head around the corner, looking in, through the wide crack, between the doors. Nick and Kevin were facing each other, in the middle of the room. Howie was on the couch, a painful look, on his face. AJ stood up and faced Nick and Kevin. “We could restore it and he could know that it was his parents’ car, without actually telling him it was THE car.”
“You mean have him help? Are you insane?!?” Kevin screamed. It felt like my head was spinning, as the words played over, in my mind. What did AJ mean ‘THE car’? Oh God…he didn’t mean…like…
“I…I just…” My voice was shaking, as I pushed the doors open, the rest of the way.
“Fuck.” AJ cursed, running a hand over his face. Nick took a step, toward me, pain in his eyes…that, alone, gave me my answer. I tried to force down the lump, in my throat, as my heart raced and my eyes began to water.
“I…that’s…I just sat…where…where my…” The words screamed, in my mind, but I couldn’t force them out. My mouth felt like it was filed, with cotton balls, and my hands were sweating but felt cold. “…where my dad…”
“Oh Baylee…” Nick quickly came, to me, engulfing me, into a hug. If I didn’t have my answer before, I sure as heck, had it now. I wasn’t so sure about that car, being so cool, anymore. My world seemed to crash, around me, when I realized that I had just been sitting where my dad…I couldn’t even get myself to think the word. All the pain, from years ago, flooded my body and my knees felt weak.
“He…in that car?” There was an unforgiving pain, in my head and chest, as I clung to Nick. His arms were securely around me, hugging me tight, my head against his shoulder. My fists balled up his shirt, and he was having to, practically, hold me up. It was like I was that crumpled 8 year old, all over again.
Memories began to, rapidly, flood my mind. I remembered the car, now…I remembered riding in it, on that vacation. Hot tears began to stream, down my face, as I saw the memories flash, through my mind…images of that vacation…as if I was in the backseat, again, looking up and my mom and dad, as they sat smiling, and laughing.
Nick just stood there, holding onto me, for a few moments, and then he helped over, to the couch. We sat down, his arms still around me. Tilting my head, I looked up at him; he looked like he was struggling to fight back tears. He continued holding me tightly, rubbing a hand over my back.
“I’m sorry, Baylee.” I heard a soft sniff, as he whispered to me, rocking slightly. “I…I’m so sorry.” Suddenly, more memories came into my head. I had been in this position before…crying my eyes out, wrapped in Nick’s arms, practically on his lap, and him rocking slightly, rubbing my back.
Painful flashes, of the hotel room, on the night my dad died; floated through my mind…it was like a movie that I just couldn’t shut off. Closing my eyes, I saw the hospital…the hotel room…that sleepless night; with Nick trying to console me. Seeing images, of us, on the floor, made my tears come harder. His arms had given me so much comfort, that I had so desperately needed.
Even after my grandparents came, he was there, for me. When my mother was transported, to Kentucky, Nick went with us. My dad’s parents had invited my mom’s parents come, to stay, with them, so that all of us were together. We spent every day, at the hospital, with mom. Nick would go home, for a few days, but he would always come back. It was six months, before the final decision was made. She wasn’t improving, and they said it was time.
My mother’s death wasn’t, quite, as traumatic, because I was more prepared, but it still hurt. Nick was there, though, right beside me, as I said my goodbyes. I held my mother’s hand, crying, and Nick stood by me, my grandparents surrounding mom’s bed. My grandparents had asked him, to be there, because they knew how much I needed a friend and, at that point, he was my best friend. When it came time, Nick took me out, of the room. He walked with me, as we wandered outside. Nick didn’t try to offer any words, of sympathy or comfort, but just being there, holding my hand, helped.
When had I forgotten these memories? How could I have forgotten? Or, did I just choose, not to remember? I liked it, so much better, when I couldn’t remember! Somehow, I had been able to push them, from my mind, and forgot the painful details. I willed the memories to go away, so that I could forget them, again, but they just came with stronger force, bringing more along, with them. Every day, I feel the pain and I miss my parents, but today…today it was ten times worse, almost making me wish I had gone, with them.
“I’m so sorry Bay…I’m so sorry…” Nick’s whispers repeated, pain dripping, from his ragged voice. I was pretty sure that he was crying, now, but he was holding me so tight that it was impossible to look up, at him.
“It’s…it’s not your fault Nick.” AJ’s voice was soft, and wavering, matching the emotions I had heard, in Nick’s voice. “I know…that um…you think it’s your fault, but…it’s not.”
“I could have stopped it…dear God…why didn’t I stop it?!?” His voice cracking, Nick ran a hand, over my hair. I could feel the unevenness, of his breathing, as his chest jerked, slightly. These past few years, I have been pushing him away, not thinking about the pain that he was feeling, too. Why hadn’t I thought about how badly this had impacted him? When it happened, he was there for me…he cried with me…he comforted me…he listened…but I had chosen to forget about that, when I pushed the other painful memories, from my mind. In all my outbursts and frustrations, I never took time, to consider his pain.
“It was mine, Nick. The vacation…it was my idea.” AJ’s voice had an, ever so slight, waiver, to it. Suddenly, I felt his arm come around me, as his other circled around Nick. He was kneeling beside us, and as I looked, at him, I saw that his eyes were watering. “If we wouldn’t have gone…on that stupid vacation…” I didn’t think it was possible, for my heart to ache, any more, until I heard that my closest family had blamed themselves, for the horrible outcome, of that vacation. They never acted, like they felt guilty, but I guess we were all fairly good, at hiding our emotions and pain.
“Florida was my idea, though.” I barely heard Howie’s voice, from across the room. Slightly pulling away, from the arms that circled me, I looked over toward him. I couldn’t tell, if he was crying, but his voice wasn’t, entirely, stable.
How could all three, of them, feel this way? They had been blaming themselves, all these years? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…after all; I had spent plenty, of time, trying to figure out how I could have prevented it. AJ sat, on the floor, his back against the couch, and Nick pulled away, but only slightly…one arm still around my shoulders.
The room went silent, aside from my crying and random sniffs, coming from the three men that had spoken. Kevin stood, in the corner, looking out the window. He almost looked like a mannequin, not moving, or making a sound. Hands shoved in his pockets, his posture showed no sign of emotion.
“You can’t blame yourselves.” Kevin’s voice was deeper than usual, as it broke the silence. Everyone looked, at him, as he sighed, loudly. “None, of you…are responsible…for any, of this.”
“I should have never suggested that damn vacation!” AJ shook his head, furiously. His face portrayed anger, grief, sadness, and so much more. I always shouted, about them not understanding how I felt, but the whole time, they knew…all to well, exactly how I felt.
“The vacation wasn’t a bad idea, Alex…the location, of it, was, though.” Howie walked over, taking a set, next to AJ, on the floor. His expressions matched those, of the rest, of us. Nick sat, quietly, his arm still resting over my shoulder. Just by looking, at him, I could tell his mind was twirling, at full tilt.
“I said…it’s not your fault.” Kevin’s voice grew, a bit, louder, as he continued to stare, out the window. His face was, still, hidden, from us.
“I should have stalled him…just one minute…one measly, lousy minute and…”
“I didn’t stall either.” My voice cracked, interrupting Nick and looking over, to him. “I didn’t even…I was just...we…I mean…” How come I couldn’t form a complete thought?
“STOP IT! All of you…just…STOP!” Kevin’s voice roared, snapping us, all, to attention. He finally turned, facing us. I was shocked, at the look, on his face…he was, seriously, on the verge, of tears, but he was trying to hold them in.
“But, Kevin…we could have…” AJ stood, meeting Kevin’s eyes, but was quickly interrupted.
“NO! No..no..no!” Kevin was shaking his head, furiously, waving a hand, in the air. “I’m the one that was supposed to protect this group. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine!”
“Protect the group? How was getting into drugs, and exposing AJ to them, protecting the group?” Howie turned, from sadness, to anger, as he stood. He took a step, toward Kevin, who was looking at him, like he was crazy.
“Exposing AJ to what, exactly?”
“DRUGS!”
“What the hell, are you talking about?” Kevin scrunched his brows, at Howie, who was now directly in front, of him.
“You gave them, to him!”
“Are you trying to blame me, for AJ’s substance abuse? I never gave him anything, like that!”
“What about the pills, you gave me?” AJ stepped forward. Can anyone tell me, how we went from arguing over my dad’s death, to arguing over AJ’s addictions? I’m lost here!
“That’s what you’re talking about? Those were anti-anxiety pills, Alexander! Those were supposed to help you, so your drinking didn’t get worse…so you would avoid substance abuse.” Staring AJ, in the eyes, Kevin admitted to giving him the pills. Here, I thought he would deny it…shows you what I know.
“Just like you tried helping me, to raise Baylee right, by turning me into you?” Nick’s arm, finally, left my shoulder. He stood up; joining AJ and Howie…it almost looked like they were preparing to attack Kevin.
“You didn’t know anything, about raising a kid!” I looked from Kevin, to the others, and then the doorway.
“Obviously, you aren’t the greatest, at it, either!” AJ’s voice almost screamed. Speaking of which, where was Mason? Hiding, probably…and I couldn’t blame him. This looked like it was going to get, pretty, heated…heck, it was well on the way there, already. I wondered if I could sneak out, of the room, without them noticing. I was already an emotional wreck, and didn’t, really, feel like sitting through this.
“At least AJ didn’t put his family in danger, with his drug use.” Howie scoffed, pursing his lips and crossing his arms. “How long have you been using now? Since what…’99?”
“Excuse me?!? I never took anything, other than prescription pills, until after Brian’s death!”
“Bullshit!” AJ was, now, in Kevin’s face, shouting. I couldn’t help rolling my eyes, as I let out a slow sigh, and watched the fight progress. “You were using, before I was!”
“Pre..scrip..tion…PILLS! I was on anxiety pills…anti-depressants, on and off. Nothing illegal, Alexander!” Kevin gave AJ a, light, push, on the shoulder. Great…it looked like we’re making huge strides, toward working things out.
“Oh yeah? Prescriptions, huh? If that’s true…why did you start using crack, Kevin?” Howie intervened, pulling AJ back, a few steps.
“You want to know what happened? HUH? You really want to know?” Kevin’s face portrayed some, serious, anger, but there was something else, too. I couldn’t figure out, what it was…it looked like I was about to find out, though.
“YES!” AJ, Howie, and Nick all screamed, unanimously. Oh this was SURE to be good. Maybe we would get somewhere, after all. You can’t fix something, until you know what it is, right? So if Kevin confesses everything, maybe we can start working through this. I could only hope.
Sitting back, I drew in a ragged breath. My heart still wasn’t beating normally, and it ached like never before. I had a headache, the size of the, entire, state of Kentucky. My eyes burned, and stung, from all my crying, but tears were still on edge, threatening to fall, at any time. Would it ever get better? After all these years, it still hurt, like I had just found out. Now, I was watching more, of my family, get ripped, to shreds. Maybe there was still time, to fix it, before I lost more of the people I loved.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Finally...the beginning of what everyone has been waiting for! *bites nails* I hope you guys like it, I'm really nervous, about this chapter!
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you all, for reading, and for the wonderful reviews.
