There was a good twenty minutes, of complete silence, after I came back with everyone’s drinks. The bottles of water were long gone, and everyone looked sad…of all the emotions that were felt, sadness was the one that seemed to be seen, on everyone’s face. I was beginning to wonder if the silence would bring me to a slow painful death, when Kevin cleared his throat.
“It isn’t easy, to talk about this.” His eyes lifted, from the floor, to AJ. “You, of all people, should understand this.” Every pair, of eyes, was now fixed on Kevin. He now looked confused…maybe even ashamed. “When I said I never took anything other than my prescriptions, until after Brian’s death…I meant it.”
“Well then what caused all those mood changes? Even the last few years, of Brian’s life…you weren’t yourself…you were like a completely different person.” The calmness, in Nick’s voice, amazed me. There was no anger, in it, and he sounded genuinely concerned.
“I honestly can’t answer that, Nick.” Letting out a heavy sigh, Kevin dropped his gaze, to the floor. “I started taking the pills, to help me cope with various things. Maybe my moods were contributed to the side effects, from the prescriptions…maybe I’d just lost the steam that had kept me going through our early years, as a group…maybe it was stress finally catching up to me…it could have been everything combined…I really don’t know. To be truthful…” Looking at Kevin, as he paused, I could swear there were tears forming in his eyes, again. “…I didn’t even see how much I was changing until…”
“Until the accident, right?”
“Yes AJ…until the accident.” Nodding his head, he seemed surprised that AJ was able to finish his sentence. Actually, I think we were all surprised by that.
“But you changed even more, after the accident Kevin. If you realized what was going on then why didn’t you correct it?” Howie shifted, in his seat, looking around the room before letting his eyes meet Kevin’s. I have to agree that he had a good question. Why would Kevin have just continued to let things go downhill, instead of fixing them? It didn’t really make much sense.
“Guilt.” One word…just that one word, from AJ’s mouth, sent Kevin into hysterical tears. It appeared; that AJ hit the nail on the head…he was right. How in the halibut was AJ right? “When you realized how you treated him, the guilt made things worse. Instead of fixing the problem, you allowed it to consume you…that’s when you tried the harder drugs…before you knew what was happening, you found yourself drowning in them, trying to forget.”
Kevin’s body shook, his head in his hands, as sobs invaded him. I guess AJ was really hitting home…he really had figured it out. How, though? Mason, and I, looked from AJ, to Kevin, confused. There was obviously something going on, that we didn’t understand…something we had missed.
“I…I just….” His voice cracked, and ultimately failed him, as he tried to speak through his tears. It was about time, we got somewhere! Part of me wanted to let out a sigh of relief, because we were making progress, but part of me was still sitting on edge, waiting for all the pieces to fit together.
“You thought you could make the pain go away.” AJ walked over to Kevin, sitting on the floor, in front of him. Kevin didn’t look up, as AJ continued. “…thought you could block it out…forget about it…make yourself numb to it.” Taking a long pause, he let out a deep sigh. “I get it now.”
“I…I…was …supposed to be there…why didn’t I protect…them?” Kevin’s voice was all over the place…the pitch and tone cracked…his sobs making it hard to understand him. “I should….have done something…anything! I’m such an asshole! I never meant…I only wanted….but it didn’t…and I…” The next movement came from AJ, and it shocked everyone else, in the room. He sat up on his knees, and wrapped his arms around the older man. The rest, of us, looked at each other, surprised.
“Come on Kev….just let it out…it’s about fucking time you just…let it out.” AJ’s face was pain stricken, as he tightened his grip around Kevin’s shaking body. There was obviously something I didn’t get, and Mason was as baffled as I was.
“How could I have let…this happen? Why was I…” Kevin’s crying didn’t let up, but unlike last time…I was sure it was genuine. How I knew…beats me…but I did. “I…I screwed everything up! Brian…I know he…he had to…when he…and Kris…when it…oh God!” His shoulder shook with more force, as he let his fingers tangle in his hair.
“Brian didn’t hate you, Kevin…neither did Krs…” AJ’s voice was so quiet, as Kevin finally looked up, at him. I couldn’t help but let a small smile creep to my face when AJ added, “…none of us do.”
“How could you not? After the things I’ve done…what I’ve said…I’ve…I’ve been so horrible.”
“That doesn’t mean we hate you, Kevin…and it doesn’t mean that we can’t forgive you.”
“Howie’s right…” Nick finally looked up, from his fidgeting hands. He looked around the room, pausing when he came to me, and Mason. When he switched his gaze, over to Kevin, he spoke up again. “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. That’s the whole point of this trip, right? To talk? Heal? Be like a family again?” Shrugging his shoulders, he looked back down, to his hands. Kevin just nodded, slightly, unable to talk. He had stopped crying, but you could still see the pain, regret and shame, in his eyes.
“You can’t run, from it, anymore, Kevin. You have to face your demons…that’s the only way things can get any better.”
“Better, AJ? How…how can things get better?!? I’ve…I lost my wife…I don’t even have my son anymore…and…I killed my cousin.” Tears nestled in his eyes, again, as Kevin looked up at AJ.
“You didn’t kill Brian…it was an accident…that’s something we all need to accept.”
“You know…” I looked over at Nick, as he stood up and crossed the living room floor. He sat down, next to AJ, and looked up at Kevin, who was still hunched in the recliner. “…it’s not often we get to say it…but AJ’s right.”
“Thanks, Carter…’ppreciate it.” Rolling his eyes, AJ nudged Nick’s shoulder. It was nice to have a light moment, in the middle of all this…crap…it didn’t last long, though.
“As much as we like to blame ourselves…”
“…none of us could have stopped it. Well…at least that’s what Morgan always tells me.” I shrugged my shoulders, finishing Nick’s comment, and finally contributing to the conversation. At that moment, I looked over at Mason, just to make sure he was still awake. Of course, he was…but he was just so quiet and just stared at the floor.
“Besides…it’s not too late, with Mason.” Kevin’s head snapped, to look at Nick. “The only reason Kris gave me temporary custody was because…well, she knew it would piss you off. She thought that you would want him out of my guardianships so badly…that it would make you get help…and get better. Even before she passed, Kev…she still loved you…sure she wasn’t happy with your behavior, but she didn’t hate you, either.”
The room fell silent, again, as Kevin looked from one man, to another. After several moments, his eyes drifted to me, but ended on Mason. A low whisper escaped his lips, his eyes tearing up again. “I miss my son.” I watched Mason hop up, quickly, and run over to his dad. As he drew near, Kevin looked up, and then Mason fell into his arms.
“I miss my dad.” Mason clung to Kevin. Wrapping his arms around his son, Kevin broke down into tears again. I’ve never seen him cry this much…actually…I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kevin truly cry. There were the few times I had seen him fake it, but this time, it seemed so real…like his heart was actually aching and like he really felt sorry for his actions.
“So basically…” Howie spoke up, making Kevin and Mason break apart. Bringing his hands up, Kevin quickly wiped his cheeks, before turning his attention to Howie; and Mason took a seat on the floor, next to Kevin. “…if I have this straight…you were on prescriptions, for stress and anxiety? Then after the accident, you exposed yourself to illegal drugs, trying to compensate for your previous actions, and the guilt or grief that you were feeling?”
Clearing his throat, Kevin looked down to his hands. “Sounds um…pretty stupid, doesn’t it?” He let his gaze come up, to scan everyone in the room.
“So…if you were so upset about how you treated Brian, and everything…” Nick visibly swallowed, as if a large lump was stuck in his throat. His fingers twisted, at the hem of his shirt, as he continued. “Why uh…why did you…”
“…treat you like shit?” Kevin’s voice was low, when he realized where Nick’s question was leading. Everyone straightened up, waiting for his response…his excuse…whatever explanation he could offer. He drew in a deep breath, his shoulders visibly sinking. “I guess because I felt like I could have prevented the accident…I felt like I took Baylee’s dad away from him. I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure he was raised the way Brian would have wanted. I didn’t think you could handle raising him…you’ve always been an oversized kid, yourself, how could you raise one? I didn’t think about there being a reason for Brian picking you…or that he was an oversized kid, too…my brain couldn’t accept that he would have wanted you to raise Baylee the way you saw fit…I just thought…I don’t know, like I had to…control the situation because it was my fault the situation even existed. God none of this makes sense when I say it out loud.” He let his head drop into his hands, his eyes squeezing shut.
“You didn’t think I could handle Bay? As much time as I spent with him before the accident? As much as I watched him? As responsible as I was, with him?” Nick’s eyes looked hurt and offended, as he questioned Kevin. I couldn’t blame him. Sure Nick, and I, don’t get along too well, sometimes…but he never slacked off, when it came to me…he always took care of me, made me do my homework, study for my tests, supported me when I needed it…
“I guess I failed to see how much you had grown up, over the years. I mean obviously you had matured, but I guess I was reluctant to see how much you had matured. Then when you got custody…I couldn’t see past the little blonde runt that couldn’t even take care of himself.” Kevin refused to meet Nick’s gaze, as he spoke. “Overall…I was an asshole, and I really don’t have a good excuse for it.”
“At least you can admit it.” Shaking his head, Nick turned on his heel and headed back to the couch. He plopped down, next to me, giving me a somewhat defeated look. The room fell silent, once again. Was that it? It couldn’t be that simple, could it? I mean Kevin had clarified a lot, of things…but…everyone was so calm and it just seemed too easy. I’ve gotten used to everything being complicated and frustrating…could it be possible that something went smoothly, for once?
“So where do we stand, then?” At the sound, of AJ’s voice, everyone looked up, not knowing what to say.
“Where do we go, from here?”
“How do we fix this family?” Nick added to the line of questions, without letting the others even be answered.
“Can…can I have my dad back…now?” Mason let his eyes look up, and plead with his father. Everything relied on Kevin…how he would react…if he would change…if he would allow things to return to some kind of normalcy. Unfortunately, only time would really tell.
“Um…all I wanna know is if the fighting can be over.” I gave the group a lopsided grin, which was returned by almost everyone. Again…the room went quiet. Almost ten minutes passed, everyone just looking around, at each other. “Ok…someone say something!” I let a sigh escape my lips. All I wanted was for one of the adults to bring this to a conclusion, so that everyone knew where we stood…were things going to get better now? Would Kevin be able to stay sober? Was Mason going to be coming home with me, and Nick? Somebody better give me some answers!
“It time for us to put this all behind us…move on…let it rest in the past, so that we can work on the relationships we need to have, now.” My eyes widened, as I looked to the owner, of the voice. I know Nick’s not usually the type to hold grudges, but I didn’t expect him to forgive and forget, all the crap Kevin put him through, that quickly.
“We have to get over everything that’s happened and work on putting the pieces back together. If not for our own sake…we have to do it, for the boys.” I didn’t really expect AJ to be so calm, and willing to forget, either. He’s the one who actually claimed to hate Kevin, more than anyone else in the world. Then again, I know, from experience, that people can say things they really don’t mean, in the heat of an argument.
“I did a lot of thinking, during rehab and I realized a lot of things.” Kevin looked up, locking eyes with each person, for a moment before he stood up and approached Nick. “I’m sorry for not having faith in you…for not trusting that you would take good care, of Baylee, when you have proven yourself time and time again…for being an idiot about the whole thing. Brian made a good choice, and I’ve just failed to see it…I’m sorry.”
“Thank you, Kevin.” Nick was now standing and staring into Kevin’s eyes…matching his gaze. Suddenly, Nick stepped to him, giving him a quick hug. Next thing I knew, Kevin was looking straight at me.
“I owe you an apology, too, Baylee. I’ve done nothing but make things harder, for you. My ignorance has put a strain on your relationship, with Nick. All this time, I thought the fighting and rebellion toward his authority was because he was doing such a poor job at being your guardian…but, I know I’ve contributed, by always belittling him, in front of you. By constantly doing that, I made you question his authority more and, in turn, made things harder than they needed to be.” I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I’ve never thought about the impact Kevin’s words may have had, on my behavior…yet, it made sense.
He made his rounds, apologizing to each one, of us. Telling AJ that his intentions, for giving him the pills, was to help him, but now he could see where he may have just made things worse; and also for being hypocritical by riding AJ’s back, so hard, about his addictions when he had his own addictions, too. He apologized, to Howie, for passing so many responsibilities, onto his shoulders…for making Howie pick up the slack, when he wasn’t holding up his end of things. Lastly, he pulled Mason into his arms, begging for his forgiveness. He said he was sorry for all the pain he put Mason through…for unintentionally ripping his mother away…and for not being the father he should have been.
After the round of apologies, everyone hugged and agreed to start things over…clearing the records and focusing on our ‘family’. We started this out with dinner. Kevin headed out, to finish the chores, Howie offering to help him. AJ started picking up the house and setting the table for dinner, while Nick, Mason, and I prepared dinner. Just as we were about to sit down and eat, the doorbell rang. Rushing out of the room, I went to open the front door.
“Hello?” Looking at the two women before me, I was puzzled. I didn’t have the slightest clue who they were.
“Oh my goodness, Baylee! You’ve grown so much!” The blonde woman gushed, grabbing me into a hug. She was a bit taller than me, with short blonde hair; she looked to be around Nick’s age and a set of blue eyes that almost matched his. I’m sure my face was covered in shock, as this unknown woman gripped me tightly.
“Darby, hun…he probably doesn’t even remember you. Just look at the poor boy’s face.” The other woman chuckled. She was shorter than me; with soft brown eyes and longer dark brown hair. I felt Nick’s hand rest on my shoulder, as the woman finally released me.
“Bay Bay…this is Mel…and Darby…right? We were just sitting down for dinner, would you ladies like to join us? There’s plenty to go around.” Nick offered them a warm smile, stepping aside, to let them in.
“Thanks, Nick!” They both chimed, in unison, nodding their acceptance, of his offer. I was still completely confused. Who the heck are these women? Are they relatives…old friends…neighbors? Why can’t anyone fill me in, here? They followed Nick, into the dining room, with me right behind. Sitting down, the adults all started talking a mile a minute, leaving me and Mason in the dust. Mason and I looked at each other, confused, but shrugged our shoulders and dug in. This day was surely going to get even more interesting, which I had previously thought to be impossible!
Author's Chapter Notes:
WOW! Sorry it's been so long! I really hope you guys think this chapter was worth the wait! I'll try not to make you wait so long, for the next one.
Chapter End Notes:
I see there are a lot of reviews I need to respond to! I will do my best to get to them all tomorrow...you guys know I respond to every one, it just takes me a while sometimes, LOL. But I really want to make sure you all know that I appreciate every single one of them! Thank you, so much, for reading! *MUAH*
