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Author's Chapter Notes:
Lillian Irene is now a month old and things are finally settling down. So, I'm hoping to have another chapter up next week. Feel free to harass me, if I don't. LOL. My Twitter screen name is the same, so feel free to bug me there, if you want to. Anyways...I hope you enjoy the chapter...and as always, THANK YOU all for keeping up with the story and leaving me feedback. *MUAH*
“I’m everything BUT ok!” I couldn’t keep my voice down, even if I had wanted to. All control, of my own body, had gone out the window, as my emotions went haywire. Any slight bit of sanity that I had left had snapped, and I was completely losing it. “How can you say that I’m ok? Huh? That I’ll ever be ok?!? You don’t even know what this is like Nick! You have no idea!”

“I know that it hurts, Bay.” His voice was even…calm…caring. Stepping back a little, he watched me closely, his eyes following my every step as I started pacing up and down the hallway.

“You don’t know anything! You didn’t lose your parents! You made the choice to push them away! You didn’t want your parents…but I did want mine! How could you possibly even begin to know how I feel, or what I’m going through? Huh? Huh?!?” Now I was just getting harsh. Nick didn’t deserve it, and deep inside, I knew that. I also knew that I would regret most of the words that were effortlessly spilling from my mouth, right now. Despite what I knew, though…I was powerless to stop it…I had no control. “Don’t even think that you know how I feel…because you DON’T!”

“Then tell me. Tell me how you feel, Baylee.” Why was his voice still so calm? Why wasn’t he screaming at me, for the things I just said? Why wasn’t he sending me to my room with some sort of punishment, for talking to him, like that? He wasn’t even getting defensive, when he should have been. “Explain it. Every bit of it. Let it all out.” That might not have been the best thing for him to say…because that’s exactly what I did.

“Explain? You want me to explain how I feel? Fine. I’ll explain!” My voice was at top notch, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbors could hear. With hands flying in every direction and my anger skyrocketing, I let him have it. “I feel like God hates me! I just don’t understand…what I did wrong! What did I do that was so…bad…that I deserved to have them ripped away from me? Why would he take them from me?!?”

Nick stayed silent, but continued to watch me pace. His face would often twitch, with a painful expression, like someone was punching him in the stomach. I couldn’t quite understand why he looked so hurt by my ranting, but it was as if he really DID feel the pain that dripped from my voice, with every word.

“They left me! My mom could have fought! She could have stayed! But she didn’t! She left me! Why? Huh? Why didn’t she love me enough…to fight…to stay…to be with me? Why didn’t she get better?!? Wasn’t I a good enough son?!?” I had never really put my feelings or pain into words…but now that I was…it seemed to hurt even worse. Each sentence seemed like a hot knife, cutting me apart. “How could they do this, to me?!?”

When I paused, in the middle of the floor, to look at Nick, I was surprised to see silent tears streaking his cheeks. Why was he crying? I wasn’t even crying…but I was way too angry to cry. My blood was nearing the boiling point and my fists were clenching tighter with every word…so tight that my nails were starting to cause a searing pain in my palms.

“I want, so bad, to hate all of them! To hate God for taking them…and my parents for leaving me! And I hate myself for not stopping them! I should have whined more…made dad stay! If I just did…somethinganything…I could have stopped it all from even happening! Why didn’t I stop it, from happening?!? Why didn’t God stop it? Ugh! Just a few moments…is all it would have took…but did I stop dad from leaving? Huh? Did I?!? NO! I didn’t! He left…and got mom…and then…then…that stupid truck driver…”

With a loud growl of frustration, I picked up a vase, from the small oak table and hurled it against the wall, with every ounce of strength that was in me. I couldn’t tell you what the purpose of throwing it was…because it really didn’t do much to make me feel better, and I’d likely be grounded for it. Honestly, though, I was willing to do just about anything, to try getting the pain out of me…no matter what the consequences were. Nick…didn’t move.

“I can’t do this without them! I just can’t! I need them…but they’re not here! They aren’t here to see me play ball…or get dressed up for spirit week…or to meet my best friends…or help me with my homework…or help me decide which electives to take for school next year…or to help me learn my Spanish! They’re supposed to help me! They’re supposed to be here! But they left me! They LEFT!”

This time, it was a picture frame that hit the wall, shattering onto the carpet. The heat in my cheeks was hotter than ever and my body was starting to feel weak. Without any warning, the tears burst from within me, streaming down my cheeks faster than I thought possible. My knees buckled and I collapsed there, in the middle of the hallway. Nick was instantly kneeling beside me, his arms engulfing me, into that tender embrace he used to give me, when I was a small child.

“Why…didn’t they want…to stay…with me?” I found it hard to talk through my clenched teeth, as I gasped for breath. My heart was aching…my head was pounding…my hands were shaking…and my eyes were stinging, as I fell apart in his arms. “How…come…God…didn’t want…me to…have…them? Why didn’t…they…love me…enough…to stay? What…did I do…wrong…Nick?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Baylee. This isn’t your fault.” His arms were tight around me and he began to sway slightly, in an effort to soothe me, but it was useless. “Your mom and dad loved you…more than anything…and they never would have chosen to leave you. I don’t know why God took them…but it’s not because you were bad or did anything wrong.”

“I feel…so…horrible…like I could…have done…something!” I was struggling hard, to breathe, as the tears continued to flow, like a damn had broken free. “I…feel like…it’s all…my fault!”

“I feel the same way…but it’s not. We couldn’t have done anything…we didn’t know. It has taken me years to try convincing myself that I couldn’t have changed it…and sometimes…I still don’t believe it. It’s hard. It sucks. I know. But you can’t blame yourself Bay…you just can’t. It will eat you away, if you do.” I felt his hands rubbing my back as his chin rested atop my head. He was trying to help, the best he knew how, and make me feel better…but it wasn’t working.

“It is my fault! It really is!” Now my shoulders were beginning to jerk as my sobs got chopped up by the hiccups that had set in. I was to blame, and he couldn’t convince me otherwise. My heart twisted with more pain, as I told myself that everything all fell back on my shoulders.

“Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell! You listen to me!” Suddenly, I was shifted around, to face the older blond. His eyes were filled with so much mixed emotion, that…for once…he wasn’t trying to hide. “You can NOT blame yourself! You were a little boy, Bay! There was absolutely nothing you could have done! I know it’s hard to let go of that feeling…but you have to. You didn’t know the accident would happen. Please, Bay…you have got to believe me. If there is only one thing, that I tell you, that you ever listen to…this has to be it.”

My heart and mind conflicted with each other, as part of me yelled that Nick was right and the other half screamed that he didn’t know anything. I wanted to get up and run away…get as far from him as I could, but my body wouldn’t move. The tears wouldn’t stop, and neither would the hiccups. I was nothing but one hot mess.