We had a fight. Kevin and I have had some major brawls in the years we have known each other. I’m talking knock down, drag out fights that ended in bloody noses, black eyes and bruised egos.

He was in a bad mood to begin with. Kristin had just left, after being on the road with us for a few weeks. Having Kris there for that long made him feel warm and comfortable, like a big quilt; at least those were the words he used to describe it to Brian as we were getting ready to do our sound check. God, who says things like that? So of course I made the mistake of laughing.

“What the fuck is so funny Carter?” Whoa! Uh oh…we are in the presence of unfunny Kevin!

“Nothing man…just laughing.”

“At what?” He asked defensively.

“Nothing dude…relax.”

“Is it a sin for me to miss my wife?”

“You just saw her; don’t you think it’s too soon to miss her already? I mean I can still smell her perfume for Christ sake!” I’m sure that didn’t help my cause.

“Oh forget it, why am I even bothering talking to you, you wouldn’t know what love is if it smacked you in the face.”

Howie, AJ and Brian who were all in the room with us cleared out of there like scattering cockroaches at the first sign of light. As for me, the smart thing would have been to leave with them. He was upset, he was irrational and moody. Eventually he would have stopped the moping and apologized for being an ass, but sadly, my brain doesn’t work that fast. By the time any rational thought like that entered my head, my hand was already doing the actions Kevin just described.

Yup, I bitch slapped him across the face like he was my ho’ or something.

He showed no emotion at all as he put his hand up to his bleeding mouth. I wanted to say I was sorry, but couldn’t do it. At that point in time, I wasn’t sure if I was sorry or not, so I just stood there staring at him, waiting for a punch back with fists or words. The praying man in me was hoping for words.

Nothing came…damn.

He just stood there rubbing at the corner of his mouth and shaking his head. To this day, I wonder if that was the point for him. If that was the day he made up his mind to leave the group. It’s not something I’d ever say out loud or ask him because I am not sure if I want to know the answer. Just the way he stood there with that look on his face spoke more than any actual words could have done.

Finally he made eye contact with me.

“I need to go get ready.” Is all he said as he slowly walked out the door, leaving me in the dressing room all alone and perplexed.

It was kind of hard to focus during the sound check. We stayed away from each other the entire time. I felt bad for the fans that were there because I had a hard time concentrating on anything but that damn fight. When was I going to learn to control my temper and not do stupid ass things like that? Of course that thought alternated with and when was Kevin going to apologize for saying what he did to me. I mean that was a pretty horrible thing to say, right?

Brian had to keep nudging me to get my attention. I kept missing all the hard hitting questions like, “Nick, what country is your favorite?” or “Nick, will you marry me!”

“Oh I’m sorry I can’t marry you because apparently I wouldn’t know what love is even if it smacked me in the face, isn’t that right Kevin?” Okay I wanted to say that but all I did was say, “Maybe later baby.” Which AJ informed me made no friggin’ sense at all. So sue me. Like he makes sense? Pfft!

After sound check, I felt him staring at me. I can always tell when Kevin is staring at me. I get this tingly sensation in my ass. Don’t ask…it just happens. Sure enough I looked over and there he was, giving me the stare of death. This would have been a good time to go over and apologize to him, tell him I was a dumbass for smacking him like that, but of course I just looked away. So, he left.

The hour or so between that and the performance I decided to just stay in my bus and not bother anyone. I needed to get into my zone and even more importantly than that I needed to stew over what Kevin said to me. Yes, even though Kevin can be a jackass sometimes, he usually says things only when he really means them. He’s never been one to just randomly say something to hurt someone, that’s my thing. Usually no matter how biting the comment is, it comes from someplace real and that my friends, is one of the many things that suck about being on the opposite end of words that come out of Kevin’s mouth.

He was right; I mean do I know what love is? Have I ever really been able to appreciate those words when they come out of people’s mouths? Do I ever really believe it when people say it to me? Do I really mean it when I say it to other people? I grew up in a household filled with love but at the same time, those people hated as intensely as they loved so sometimes it was hard to tell those emotions apart.

I toss people away before they can get close enough to love me, don’t I? I’ll make sure that I sabotage any kind of relationship that has potential. I have done that ever since I figured out I could.

He was right, but of course he was. He was Kevin like…duh!

I made up my mind that I’d go and apologize to him before we went out and performed tonight. It was so hard to perform angry. We have all done it so many times. Once, a long time ago, Brian and I were so angry at each other that the entire night he did nothing but try to trip me whenever I passed him. Yes Lord, you heard right. You may smite him at any time.

Another time, AJ pissed me off so badly I almost lit his head on fire…but now I’m getting off topic. We’ll talk about AJ the candlestick at another time.

Kevin rounded the corner and as soon as I saw him, I made sure to run up to him because if I didn’t, the moment would have been lost.

I was just about to put my hand on his shoulder when he turned around to face me. I actually jumped. Well, he scared me and I wasn’t expecting him to turn around just then. It’s not like I screamed like a little girl or anything.

“Hi.” He said. He used words…Always a good sign.

“Kevin I…”

“Nick, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He placed his arm on my shoulder and squeezed, “I was just bummed about Kris leaving.”

“I know.” I said, but before I could say anymore we were being ushered onto the stage.

Once again, instead of concentrating on the performance, I spent my time thinking about the words that came out of Kevin’s mouth. I knew he would apologize, but I wanted to go first for once. I smacked him. All he did was tell me I was loveless, although maybe in a way that was a bigger smack?

The first few chords of Weird World started up and that had me looking over at Kevin playing the piano. I was overcome with emotion suddenly. Great, I only sing lead on this song. It couldn’t be helped though because suddenly I realized how wrong Kevin was. I knew love. I loved these four guys on stage with me. They were my best friends. People I would pretty much do anything for. There was no doubt in my mind that they felt the same way about me too.

I walked over to Kevin at that point, three fourths into our concert, and I sat down next to him as he played the song. I managed to get the first verse out with no problem as I sat there beside him. When I was done, I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Apology accepted.” He whispered to me while AJ sang in the background.

“I love you man.” I admitted to him right before I stood up.

“Yeah I figured that out when you slapped me in the face.” He answered.

We both laughed.