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Act I:
Twelve Hours Before Christmas






‘Twas twelve hours before Christmas, and all through HimTak,
All the agents were snoozing; even me, with a snack.
Stockings were hung along dorms with great care,
Even though Agent K really didn't want them there.



Nick found himself falling asleep easier than normal these days. He wasn’t sure why; nothing had changed much. He blamed the weather, in the end; it seemed to make him snooze better than anything else. He’d never been a fan of the cold; it was the reason why he preferred living in Florida or in the Nevada desert, where he currently resided. He munched thoughtfully on popcorn from the bowl beside his bed, left over from the night before. The freak snowstorm that had hit Nevada had made them all suspicious, but after some recon, it seemed the weather was a legitimate result of a bipolar Mother Nature, rather than a weather machine. But he’d slept soundly the night before, causing him to awaken earlier that morning, the time most of the agents arose from bed, which was far from normal for him. Typically, he enjoyed abusing his 00-rank by sleeping in late any chance he could.

Because of this abnormality, Nick finally got up from his snug and warm bed, reaching under it in search of something. With a grin, he found what he was looking for. He stood, wearing nothing but red silk pajama bottoms. Nick swiped a red cap with a green bill, from which hung a sprig of what was clearly mistletoe, in case his Plan A failed. He plopped it onto his head and happily bounded out into the halls to hang the mistletoe above the dorms of certain ladies he knew would appreciate an early visit from “Saint Nick.” The halls showed his handiwork from the day before, each doorway bearing a bright red stocking, garland, and a giant candy cane to commemorate the coming holiday, despite the protests he’d heard from K immediately after.

“Jingle bells, Dr. Rough smells! Drums just laid an egg! The Cartermobile lost its wheel, and damn, FANS got away… hey!” Nick sang as he prowled the halls. “Hmm… new songs now. Deck the halls with K’s bushy brows! Fa la la la la… la la la la… These pants show how well I'm endowed! Fa la la la la… la la la la… Don we now Jay’s tight apparel! Fa la la, la la la, la la la… For HimTak’s world-saving carol… Fa la la la la… la la la la…”


Now the agents were bustling all through the halls,
While Diamond and Lancy made plans for the mall.
Jay with his fedora, me with my mistletoe hat,
Had just parted ways so I could take a nap…



Nick was already regretting getting out of bed, however. His body was protesting the fact that it had to get up earlier, and a yawn easily escaped him, as he hung the final mistletoe above the door leading to Red Jewel’s office. Nick smiled at his handiwork. While Red was actually Jewish, she usually went along with whatever holiday spirit Nick wanted to spread around Himitsu Takana.

And at the very thought of her, she stepped out of her room, already donning her lab coat over a cream velvet, long-sleeved shirt that hugged her curves. Nick quickly cornered her up against the door. What perfect timing, especially with the way she looked. Nick smirked at the thoughts popping into his head. “Jewel!”

She shook her head, laughing as her fiery hair fell into her face. “Mornin’ Nick.”

Nick pointed upwards shyly – well, as shyly as he could pull off, anyway. “Look up…”

Raising a brow, Red simply smirked. “Um… Nick…”

“Saint Nick!”

“Yeah, I’m Jewish, remember? I don’t think mistletoe applies to me.”

“Of course it does! It’s like the law! Plus…” He pointed at the one hanging from the hat he wore. “It’s a double mistletoe, and denying them both can lead to terrible things. It’s like putting a curse on us all!” Nick ran his hands along her arms, his lips getting dangerously close to her neck as he murmured, “Besides, don’t you wanna know what Saint Nick is gonna give you for Christmas? Saint Nick loves all his babies… Jewish or not…”

“Okay, Santa… was I a good girl this year?” Red played along, as their lips met. The two kissed, wrapped up together as their arms snaked around each other. The kiss deepened beneath the mistletoe before, finally, the two had to pull apart for air.

“Oh yeah, you were definitely a really good girl this year. In fact…”

“Niiiiiick!” Nick turned to see Lancybassy in the pinkest and frilliest elf outfit he’d ever seen. Suddenly, he was regretting not putting a shirt on before wandering the halls. Diamond was right behind, wearing an equally skimpy Santa’s Helper costume. Torn between wanting Red, wanting Diamond, and not wanting Lancy, Nick wasn’t sure just what to do. However, his time was up to decide, as they approached the two.

“Did we interrupt something?” Diamond asked, giving him a knowing grin. Nick wanted to think she was jealous, but he knew better.

“Maybe,” he answered, glancing back at Red, who returned to the professional manner that she typically tried to maintain. Damn.

“So, Nicky!” Lancy cried, making him cringe as he noticed that nothing was hidden by the sequined, pink elf outfit his secretary wore. He did a little spin, happily showing it off as the little bell hanging from his hat jingled in response. “You like?”

“Do I want to know where you got that?”

“I made it, of course!”

“I shouldn’t be surprised,” he muttered, as the two beautiful ladies beside him simply giggled at his discomfort. “I’m off to take a nap.” Back to his room he headed, with a wave to Lancy and a kiss blown to both Red and Diamond. To Red, he mouthed, “Expect me tonight,” to which she simply smiled.

On his way back to his room, he passed Agent Jay, who was yet again examining his latest fedora. The man had enough to open a store. Finally, however, he made it back to his room, lying down upon his comfortable bed once more, the hat by his side. Why had he gotten up early? This was far better. Before he could truly nap, however, he was startled by a large crash coming from the floor below. Nick grinned; there was only one place that could be coming from…

Professor Pearl’s lab.


When down in Pearl’s lab there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the lab, I ran like a flash,
I tripped down some stairs, but avoided a gash…



That was reason enough to forget the nap, as he once again grabbed his trusty hat and raced out of his room and down to the level below, where he knew she’d be, with what he hoped would be the best Christmas decoration HimTak had ever seen.

He ran into her laboratory, skidding across the floor like various times before. In fact, it happened so often that Pearl had started threatening to set up an air mattress with his picture on it, just for him to land on anytime he ran in there, hyped up and excited. Catching himself with her main work table, Nick looked around for her and the source of the noise. He spotted Pearl first, wearing a cheery Santa Hat with blinking Christmas lights on it, looking up proudly at her latest creation that was hidden beneath a large sheet. “Nick! I was just about to page your watch.”

“I want one that tells time for Christmas.”

She stuck her tongue out at him, placing her hands on her slim waistline. “Don’t wanna hear it.”

“Come closer, Pearl…”

“Try that mistletoe hat on me, and you won’t like it, Nick,” she replied, but it was between chuckles, and Nick knew she didn’t mean it. “Anyway, you want to see it?”

“Hell yeah! See, when we’re together, we’re geniuses.”

Pearl laughed, her blonde curls bouncing from beneath her Santa hat. “And trouble, of course. I have to admit, this was one of your better ideas I put into action.”

“So come on, show me our brainchild!”

“Alrighty. I give you… the K-Bot!”


And there by the table, I saw standing tall,
My boss, Agent K, not like himself at all,
Decked out like St. Nick, while a happy tune blared,
I was shocked when he smiled, instead of just glared.



She pulled away the sheet, and like the last time she’d done this for him and revealed the car he loved, he was just as amazed. Where the sheet had been stood a twelve-foot-tall replica of Agent K. It looked so lifelike, it blew Nick’s mind. It could pass for K, if not for the height, or the fact that it was completely decked out in a Santa outfit and matching beard. The K-Bot’s cheeks were rosier, and it had a far happier expression upon its face.

Pearl smirked at his amazement. “I know, I’m good. I’m starting to scare myself, honestly. Watch this.” Out came a small remote, similar in style to the one Nick possessed for his Hornet. The K-Bot sprang to life, light appearing within its robotic, green eyes. In true style, it began to shimmy as music played. Then, in a voice that was unmistakably Nick’s, it began to sing.

“K just got run over by a reindeer,
Walking down to HimTak, Christmas Eve.
You may say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Jay now, we believe.

“He’d been driving Santa crazy,
Bossing him around like an old lady,
But the elves weren’t on vacation;
They got revenge with a reindeer named Grady.”


“How did you get that?” he asked in panic, turning to her.

“Hello, I get all the video feed. I happened to catch that number and program it into his song list.” She gave him a impish smile. “Couldn’t resist. Now, let’s set this baby loose.”

Despite the fact that he should have been more horrified at his own parody coming out of the robot’s mouth, Nick laughed and nodded. “Oh, hell yeah. Wait, K’s gonna be pissed.”

“Don’t worry, it has a sensory system; it should be able to spot and avoid K. I say ‘should’ ’cause, obviously, I couldn’t test that feature without getting caught.” Pressing down on a button, she sent the robot wobbling its way out of the lab, and the two followed, snickering to themselves.

“Remind me to find you come Valentine’s Day…”

“Cupid Jay?”

“Oh yeah.”

The robot caused quite a stir, as it danced its way down the halls, singing as it went. It even, after Pearl pressed a series of buttons, pulled off quite the moonwalk to the tune “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” The two couldn’t stop laughing from around one of the random dorm doors they hid behind, as everyone scoped out their latest prank. From 00-ranking agents to lower-ranking shadow agents and even their secretaries, almost everybody had come to check out what was causing such a stir.

“Can you believe this?”

“K’s gonna kill Carter…and hey, that’ll be fun to watch.” Nick rolled his eyes when he heard Emerald.

“This shit is hilarious!”

“K’s gonna bust a vein when he sees it…”

The next voice they heard came from directly behind them. “If only you two used your powers for good…” Nick and Pearl jumped and turned to see Agent Jay just behind them, scoping out the scene Pearl’s new toy was causing as well. It had moved on to trying to do the Macarena to Nick’s voice singing his version of “Deck The Halls.” Nick was grinning, as Pearl had inadvertently jumped back into his arms. Pearl pushed Jay playfully, rolling her eyes, as she moved away from Nick.

“You scared the crap out of me.”

“Hey, I liked it.”

“You perv.”

“You two better get that back to the lab before K gets a load of that.”

“It’s K sensitive.”

“You sure?”

She looked almost insulted, as she and Nick turned back to Jay. “Of course I am.”

But sure enough, K had spotted the K-Bot as he headed down the hallway, and his face was red enough to match both Nick’s pajama bottoms and Pearl’s hat.


With a look on K’s face so enraged and inflamed,
I had a bad feeling it was me who’d be blamed.
He stared us all down, and the crowd quickly scattered,
Though he called a few back, ones he must have thought mattered.



Jay snickered at the horrified look on the duo’s faces and nodded. “What’d I tell you? I’m out.” And with that, he ducked out the back entrance, before K got any closer. All the agents who had gathered around laughing scattered quickly, like a bunch of pigeons when a car was about to hit them head on.

“CARTER! PEARL!”

They peeked around the corner, both looking at K sheepishly. The vein on his forehead was throbbing. Nick was sure he was going to finally make it burst. Nothing could bulge that much without bursting. Hey, at least I’ll know I accomplished something before he kills me.

“Nick made me do it, K, I swear!”

Nick blinked. “Are you kidding me?”

“Sorry Blondie, but every woman and man for themselves.”

“I need you two downstairs, in your lab, NOW. But do not think I’m going to forget this.”

The two blondes’ gazes met again before looking back at K, who was beyond fit to be tied at this point, as his larger and jollier robot double began doing a booty dance to “Jingle Bells.” They were both unsure of whether they’d infuriate K even more by laughing at the insanity of it. Wisely, they kept their giggles to themselves and quickly made their way down to Pearl’s lab without another word.


“Come Diamond, come Lancy, come Pearl, come Red Jewel!
I’ve got some big news about crimes most cruel!
Come Jay, Nick, and Emerald, I’ll be needing you too,
And Carter – don’t think I’m done dealing with you.”



Soon, they were accompanied by Red, Emerald, Jay, Diamond, Lancy (still in his festive outfit), and even Vitruvian, who had been called down, unbeknownst to them. K looked around and nodded.

“Now that we’re here and acting like mature adults…” He shot a look towards Pearl and Nick, while the others chuckled. K blinked and looked around. “Wait, where’s that damn robot?”

“Well, I used the remote to command it to come down here… but I think it may have a bug in it. ’Cause it started moonwalking again, at like warp speed, and singing like one of the Chipmunks… I need to track it down and disable it manually. I would have, but you seemed pretty serious about me coming down here…”

The vein pulsed again, and Nick was just proud that it wasn’t he who had caused it this time. “Go… do… that… NOW!”

“But… what about the…”

“Jay’ll debrief you, Pearl. Just get that damn thing to stop before I lose what control I have.”

She raced off out of the lab, and Nick stayed quiet. Maybe if he didn’t say anything, K would forget he’d had a large hand in it, as well.

“Carter, don’t think I’m done dealing with you. Now, Jay, will you handle the monitors, please?”

Jay smirked, trying to hide a snicker, and nodded. “Sure.” Displayed on the screen was New York City – or more specifically, Rockefeller Center, with the Christmas tree in all its glory. Nick raised a brow at the screen and saw the others give it the same look, as well.

“We think… well, you won’t believe this… but we believe FANS is about to make their next move.”

“What are they gonna do?” Diamond asked, while texting furiously on her Blackberry.

“We think Dr. Rough plans to steal Christmas.”


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