"Gracie," he whispered, concern evident in his voice as he turned towards me as I placed the key in the ignition and started the car. When I didn't answer, he placed his hand on my arm. I jerked it away.

I couldn't look at him just then... I couldn't breathe. I needed to drive as far away from that place as I could and I needed to do it now. I backed out of my parking space and sped quickly around the curves of the floors in the garage, finally reaching the lowest level where I paid the attendent before pulling my car out the hospital and and onto the streets of campus.

Everything I saw for the next few miles reminded me of shattered dreams. My shattered dreams.

The countless college students walking back and forth to what should be their final classes of the semester, smiles plastered on some of their faces... others obviously deep in thought and worry over exams. I couldn't help but notice all the buildings that lined the street. Buildings where I should have been earning my master's degree so that I could have a career down the road.

Instead, I was looking straight down a road that lead to a dead end. Literally.

Everywhere I looked I saw happy couples walking down the sidewalks, students oblivious to the people dying in the building just a block down the road. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I wanted that carefree life back. I wanted to be one of those students again. I didn't want to go through this anymore.

I continued to drive in silence for miles. I headed the car in the direction of home but passed it up, Nick watching in confusion as our street whized by on the left. I shook my head when he opened his mouth to ask where we were going and he stopped himself quickly, resigned to the fact that this time I was in control. For just a minute of my life, I needed to be in control.

I drove on for nearly an hour until we were way out in the country before pulling off onto the shoulder of the road by a big open field. I opened my car door and climbed out, Nick obviously hesitant to follow at first as he rolled down his window and watched me.

I ran out to the middle of the open field and stood there, staring up into the sky, my arms stretched out at my sides.

"Why God?" I whispered... "why?"

And then I screamed. I screamed as loud and as long as I possibly could.

Nick, who'd at some point gotten out of the car, stood a few feet back and just watched me. I know it must have been scary for him. I once read that the only thing that can even compare to the pain of dying from cancer, is the pain of watching a person you love die from it... I couldn't imagine. But I had to get it out.

And then, after a few moments of screaming my head off, I sat down on the grass in the middle of that wide open area and I bawled my eyes out.

Nick came up to where I was sitting and knelt down beside me. He took me in his arms and this time I let him. I continued to cry for what felt like forever. He cried with me. I was crying out of anger, grief and sadness. I was crying over lost dreams, and memories I wouldn't get to make. I cried for that family I'd have to leave behind and the family I'd never get to create. I cried for the love of my life who was sitting beside me through all of this... and who would no doubt have to go through so much more.

After laying there in Nicks arms for a while longer I stood up and walked back to the car. He followed me again in silence. I was thankful that he was letting me lead the way. I needed to do this all on my own time... in my own way. And I knew that it would have to be a gradual process.

I handed Nick the keys and climbed into the passenger side of the car. I told him to drive us home and he did. When we arrived home an hour later we continued to sit in the car, there in the driveway, for another 45 minutes. I didn't want to move. I didn't think I had the energy to get out of the car and walk to the door. Nick hadn't said a word the whole way home... he just held my hand in his and drove.

"Nick," I finally broke the eerie silence that had settled over us since we'd left the field nearly two hours before.

"Yeah baby?" He turned towards me and tightened his grip on my hands. I could tell he was scared... so was I.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my thoughts... trying my best not to break down again. "I don't want to die."

"Oh God baby..." He took me in his arms and hugged me tightly. "I know."

I pushed him gently away and looked into his eyes. I could feel my heart breaking for him... for me... for us. I sat back in my seat and leaned my head against the cool leather of the headrest. I closed my eyes as the tears slipped down my cheeks.

"I just can't do this anymore Nick... I just can't."

He reached over and grabbed my hand again and I could feel him kiss my lips.

"It's okay baby. You can do this however you want to do it."

I nodded my head and sighed trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to turn into sobs once more. I heard him open the car door and come around to my side of the car. He opened my door gently and I felt his strong arms around me. He lifted me carefully and carried me inside and upstairs to our bed.

He laid me down on our soft satin sheets, gently slipping off my shoes and my coat. He pulled the covers up around me before climbing in beside me.

"Let's just lay here then," he whispered as he wrapped my body in his, rubbing my arms with his hands.

"I don't know what to do..." I whimpered... "I just wish I had the answers..."

He pulled me closer still, kissing my neck and cuddling up beside me.

"How about this babe. You don't have to think about anthing right now except this... it's just you and me, here together."

I smiled and snuggled myself into his arms.

I repeated his words back to him... "I don't have to think about anything right now... it's just you and me, here together."

He looked down at me and smiled, "exactly."