Happy Birthday Babe!

Words could never express how much I love you or how much you mean to me. I want you to know that I am the happiest I've ever been when I'm with you. I want you to know that you are the bravest, most beautiful, most incredible person I have ever had the priviledge to love.

You are my life and I love you.

Nick

I smiled and wiped the tears from my cheeks as I slid the card back into it's envelope and tucked it carefully into the drawer on my side of the bed. That was where I kept every card or note he'd ever written me. I'd opened that drawer so many times in the past several months and found comfort in his words.

I closed the drawer and laid back on the bed. I stared up at the ceiling and tried to get just a little bit excited about the day. It was, afterall, my 26th birthday. I should be enjoying it.

I used to love my birthday. I'd look forward to it all year long. Last year I'd gone out with a bunch of friends to the bars and we'd partied all night long... but this year my heart just wasn't in it.

I had often wondered how people felt when they knew they were dying... I wondered how they went on with their lives, celebrated birthdays and holidays and good times knowing that they would be their last. I struggled with it. It wasn't that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday... it was that I didn't want this to be the last birthday I ever celebrated.

I pulled my journal out from underneath my pillow and opened it up to the page of quotes I'd been writing down over the past six and a half months. Anytime I was feeling down or negative I read the quotes... they somehow made me feel better. I read the first quote I came to from one of my favorite books, Tuesdays with Morrie;

"When all of this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I am going to live -- or at least try to live -- the way I want. With dignity... with courage... with humor... with composure."

I read it over and over in my mind and decided right then and there that I needed to change my attitude. This was MY birthday, quite possibly the last birthday I would celebrate and I didn't want to spend it wallowing in self pity. I looked out the window and realized that for the first time in 6 days it wasn't raining. I smiled. Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad afterall.

I heard the door to the bedroom squeak open and saw his head peek in.

"You awake babe?" He asked, walking in slowly carrying a tray loaded down with breakfast. He shuffled over to the bed and set it down in front of me before climbing in on his side and covering up with the blankets.

I stared down at the meal before me. He'd made my favorite, french toast, and he'd brought strawberries, champagne and orange juice.

"Hmm..." I said taking a sip of the champagne ... "This reminds me of a meal we had together once."

He smiled taking a strawberry from the tray and feeding it to me, "You remembered."

"Of course I remember Nick... that was the best day of my life."

He leaned over and kissed me gently, "Mine too."

We sat there in bed together and ate our breakfast. He assured me that he'd only planned a 'small get together' for that night because he knew I hadn't wanted a huge party, and I felt relieved. When we were finished with breakfast he lifted the tray from the bed and walked with it to the bedroom door.

"Wait here," He said as he walked out the door, "I have something for you."

I sat in bed and wondered what it could possibly be. He'd left the house only once since arriving home last week and that had been the day before with Kevin. I heard the front door shut and figured he'd be gone for a few minutes. I hopped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I was changing into a pair of blue jeans and a sweatshirt when he peeked his head back in the door.

"What are you doing out of bed?" He asked as he came into the room and helped me with my sweatshirt.

"I've been in bed all week Nick, I don't want to spend my birthday there too." I smiled up at him and he smiled back.

"That's good to hear. But can you sit here on the bed for just a second while I get your gift."

"Sure." I sat down and covered my eyes as he'd requested. I could hear him out in the hall moving around and then I heard him come back in the room.

"Okay," He said, "Open your eyes!"

I took my hands away from my eyes and squealed with delight. He was standing there in front of me holding the most adorable tan colored Great Dane puppy I had ever seen.

"Oh my God Nick! How did you know??"

I had always wanted a Great Dane since I was a little girl but had never had the room for one. I couldn't remember ever mentioning it to Nick though.

"Kevin."

"Aww," I said as he handed me the puppy and it licked my cheeks, "remind me to kiss him later."

Nick laughed and sat down beside me reaching over to scratch the puppy on the head. "Well, what do you think we should name her?"

"Okay," I said looking at him and laughing. "This might sound crazy, but it's a name I've had picked out for years. If you don't like it we can name her something different though..."

He held up his hand and stopped me, "Spit it out already doofus!"

We laughed together and I told him the name.

"I like Kahlua."

I looked over at him expecting him to bust out laughing but he didn't.

"Like the alcohol?" He grinned, "I love it."

I laid back on the bed and let Kahlua cuddle up close to my body. I didn't have to try to be happy anymore... I truly was.

Nick and I spent the better part of the morning cuddled up on the couch together, Kahlua there between us sound asleep. We watched a movie and he made spaghetti for lunch. I had to admit that I was totally enjoying this quiet, peaceful birthday. Nick had gotten up to take our dishes to the kitchen and I glanced up when he came back in the room.

"So..." He said coming up behind the couch and giving me a gentle shoulder rub, "What do you want to do today?"

I looked up at him. Honestly I would have been perfectly content to stay right there in that moment for the rest of my life, but I knew I couldn't. I stood up off from the couch as Kahlua stirred restlessly and whimpered. I laughed at her, "Looks like she fits right in... lazy."

Nick laughed back and put his arms around my waist pulling me into a hug and kissing me.

"What's it gonna be babe?"

I looked out our large picture window at the lake. It was a gorgeous day, the sun shining brightly out across the water.

"Hmm, " I said as I pulled him closer. "It's the first nice day we've had in a week... why don't we go for a walk."

"Sounds nice," He said pulling away and picking Kahlua up from her spot on the couch. "I bought a leash, we can take this little girl for her first walk."

We grabbed our coats from the hall closet and opened the front door, stepping out into the cool fall air. Nick wrapped his arm around my waist and we trudged off down the sidewalk to the street together, Kahlua following behind at a leisurely pace, carefully exploring her new territory.

We'd made it a little ways down the road when we saw our neighbors walking towards us. I had met the woman several weeks before when I was out jogging and after that day we'd started jogging together. Kate was a breast cancer survivor and had become an amazing inspiration to me.

They came closer and we stopped for a few moments to chat. Kate was the first to say hello as she introduced her husband Sean and their two children, Riley and Peter. Riley was close in age to Baylee and seemed very shy, hiding behind her father's legs and refusing to say hello. Peter on the other hand was 10 months old and as friendly as any child I'd ever met. He sat in his stroller and cooed and smiled at us. I introduced them to Nick and he and Sean talked for a few moments about fishing in the lake and how they should get together for a game of golf sometime. It felt good to be standing there carrying on a normal conversation with normal people. If they recognized Nick they didn't show it. We said our goodbyes with the promise that we'd all get together soon.

"They seemed really nice," Nick said as we watched them disappear down the road.

"Yeah." I replied, "she's an amazing woman."

"You okay hon?" Nick asked taking my hand in his and scooping Kahlua, who was now laying on the concrete at our feet, up from the ground with his free arm.

"I'm alright... let's keep walking."

I was alright and life was good, but there were always constant reminders of what I was missing out on. I'd watched Kate and her husband walk off down the road, Kate pushing their son in his stroller, Sean holding their daughter's hand as the two of them ran ahead, and I realized in that moment that I was looking at something I'd never get to have. I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes as we continued walking down the road. When we came to the lake Nick laid out the blanket we'd brought with us and we sat there together staring out at the water.

I took in the scene... Nick and I sitting there together, curled up in one anothers arms on a beautiful fall day as our puppy played in the grass close by. I felt good and the sun was shining.

I couldn't help but smile.

Maybe I wasn't really missing out. Maybe this was exactly what my life was supposed to be.