A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.  ~Arnold Glasow  

 ~ 11 ~  

Blurry Brian   

I sat across from Brian in silence once AJ and Kevin left us, or should I say abandoned us. I should say that because it was the truth. They flew out of here like the forest was on fire. I hated the fact that I was uncomfortable with that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Ninety-nine percent of the time I love my alone time with Brian, in fact I live for it. That other one percent though, that’s what sucks. That other one percent never existed before.

“Why do you think they left like that?” He finally asked me.

“I have no clue.”

“Do we need to have a moment or something?” He laughed and smiled at me.

“We could make out if you want.”

“Could we please? I mean I’d be the envy of all the girls!” He said in his high pitched teeny voice. It’s scary how he has perfected that over the years.

When we were younger, he could make me laugh for hours the way he would imitate some of our fans. He’d even go so far as to make signs that said I heart you Nick or I want it Nick’s way. He’d latch onto me and just scream my name and pretend to cry and I’d end up almost peeing myself from laughing so hard.

“Do you remember when you used to make those signs for me?”

“Of course I do.”

I nodded at him, not even sure what to say after that. “So…” He continued as he threw a stick into the fire, “Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Because of the way Kevin subtly looked over at you just before he made his very obvious exit.”

“Yeah, he definitely needs to work on that.” Kevin and subtle are two words that just don’t go together.

“Because I don’t recall us having a fight or anything before you left…”

“We didn’t. Everything is fine.”

“And as far as the old stuff…”

Oh boy…

“I thought we had that all sorted out as well?” Brian continued.

We had a stretch of time, Brian and I that was anything but rosy. It all started when I went solo and continued right up until the taping of my show was over. ‘He’s made lots of horribly bad decisions and choices,’ is all I kept hearing from AJ, who Brian would complain to. He never once talked to me about any of it though so I’m not sure how he thinks it’s all been sorted out. I just thought it was better to leave it be. The thought of the consequences otherwise were too unbearable to think about.

When I decided to do my reality show, I remember Brian being less than pleased. He never vocalized it, but just by watching his facial expressions and body language I could read “You are such an idiot Nick!” loud and clear. Brian had asked before I started filming for this show that he and the other guys be kept out of it.

“It’s a show about the Carters and not about the Backstreet Boys so don’t let them take it in our direction.” He had said to me. I agreed that it was probably best but when they decided to follow me to a BSB meeting I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I mean after all I WAS a Backstreet Boy which is why anyone even cared in the first place. It was probably a good little advertisement for our fans. They would love to see that we really were working on a new album since they never really seemed to believe any of us when we said we were.

When he saw me walk in with all those cameras, Brian threw a fit. “Stop rolling film!” He had said.

“They can’t stop taping.”

“Well, they can stop taping me.”

When he said that, I actually laughed. I thought it was a joke until I saw the looks on Howie and AJ’s faces. Then I knew that my little reality show and I had been a hot topic of conversation when I wasn’t around.

“Oh…it’s not going to be a big deal Bri. They just want to film some of this meeting.”

“I don’t care. I mean it. I don’t want to be on this show.”

“Brian you’re always on camera, what’s the big deal?” I was agitated and a little confused as he walked out the door and slammed it shut. “What the fuck was that all about?” I asked AJ once he was gone.

“I don’t know dude…you’d have to ask him,” was his answer.

But, you know…I never did. Nope, at that point in my life I was what you call in ‘avoidance mode’. It was far easier to ignore what had just happened than to deal with it. I didn’t have any fight left in me to deal with Brian, so I let it go. I chalked it up to him having a bad day or something like that.

He came back about fifteen minutes later carrying a Starbucks coffee. We finished our meeting as my crew filmed. They purposely stayed off of him except once or twice. He didn’t bother looking up for most of the time.

“Did I do something?” I asked him just before I left the meeting.

“No, I’m sorry…it’s been a crazy day.” His words were short and he still sounded mad, but once again I dropped it.

I nodded at him, “Okay…just checking.”

And that was that. I had to leave that meeting early because of another meeting I had with Aaron. I was so distracted by that time, that none of those scenes even made it off the cutting room floor. It was just me looking lost in my thoughts as Aaron constantly said, “Are you even listening to me?”

Everything was all but forgotten until I received word that Brian refused to sign a release so his face could be shown on camera. The people at E! wanted me to talk to him about it but I said no so, they blurred out his face as if he was just a random guy passing in a crowd and not one of my best friends in the whole entire world.

“Well?” I looked up at Brian.

“Well what?”

“Where were you just now?” He seemed amused. I guess because he had no idea what I was thinking.

“Sorry…just thinking about things.”

Once I asked him about the whole incident in passing and giggled as if it was a joke. I said, “You know what some of our fans are calling you?”

“What?”

“Blurry Brian.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you had your face blurred out on my show.”

“Well, I don’t care.” He had once again gotten that serious tone of voice. “They can call me whatever they like. Clearly they just don’t understand.”

I wanted to say at that point, that I didn’t either, but I just nodded as if I did totally get why he did what he did. I never really brought it up again after that. In fact, I never really brought up much after that, to him anyway. Our relationship became more about the here and now and less about the old days.

“What kinds of things?” He asked me when I still seemed reluctant to answer his question.

“Are you proud of me?” I can’t believe I blurted that out. I wanted to take it back. It was almost as embarrassing as having your mom walk in on you while masturbating. Okay, maybe that would be worse, but in my book, not by much.

He seemed a little surprised at my question. I couldn’t blame him because so was I. “Am I proud of you?”

“Never mind, I didn’t mean it.”

“You didn’t mean what?”

Now I was just confusing the guy, “Nothing…I’m not making any sense.”

“That question made sense, in a random out of the blue kind of way, but yeah, it did make sense.”

“It’s just that you always say how proud you are of AJ…”

“I am proud of him. He overcame an addiction.”

“I know. I’m proud of him too.”

“Okay.” Once again he seemed confused and I felt dumb.

“It’s not important.”

“What’s not important?” AH, I hate when he repeats everything I say but in question format!

“Nothing is.”

“Nick…”

“I guess it would be nice to know if you thought I did anything you could be proud of.” Wow…I actually said it!

“You don’t need my approval.”

“I don’t need it, you’re right.” But I want it!

I bit on my bottom lip and worried my fingers through the frayed edges of the hoodie I was wearing, hoping that at any second AJ and Kevin would emerge from their hiding places and let me off the hook.

“I am proud of you Nick. Of course I am.”

I looked over at him, “Really? Or are you just saying that because I put you on the spot?”

He seemed offended, “Would I do that?”

My lack of reply was a sobering answer for him, “Nickolas Gene…” He moved closer o me so he could wrap an arm around my shoulder, “I am really proud of the way you have turned your life around. You are growing up kiddo and I love that.”

“I just feel like sometimes you hold me to a higher standard than you do AJ is all.”

“Really?”

“I think if AJ went solo when I did, you wouldn’t have wanted to kick him out of the band.” And there it was; the ginormous elephant that’s been sneaking around with us for the last 5 or 6 years. He finally popped out of my ass. Ah, what a relief.

He just kind of stared at me for a little bit. I think he always knew it bothered me but hoped I would never bring it up. “Nick, if any of you did that I would have had the same reaction.”

“Why did you have that reaction?”

“It wasn’t just me you know.”

“I know, but you are the first one that initiated it and the only one that really wanted to carry it through. Do you have any idea at all how much that hurt me?”

“I’m sure it hurt you, but at the time I was mad and I was hurt. You chose yourself over the group. Something we all decided we wouldn’t do!”

“I was just a kid Brian and besides, we were on a break because YOU had a child among other things. It’s something I needed to do. Everyone else got that except you, the one person who knew me best.”

“How come you never came to talk to me?” I didn’t expect that one. “I knew it bothered you and I knew you were going through really hard times, but not once did you pick up the phone to talk to me about any of it.” He continued.

“Truthfully, I didn’t think you would care.” And boy did it hurt to say that. It’s how I felt though. We had just grown so far apart during that time in our lives, I really thought he wanted nothing to do with me.

“Nick, do you have any idea why I used to make you those signs when you were a kid?”

“Because you enjoyed mocking me?” I answered with a small smile.

“Well, yeah that was part of it…” He smiled too, “but really it was because I knew how much you missed the idea of your family. When things started going downhill for you guys it broke my heart. To see you laugh instead of cry became one of my main goals. If I could have learned how to juggle just so you could forget about things, I would have.”

“Thanks Brian,” was all I could manage to say. I felt like crying, damn him!

“That’s why when you suddenly stopped talking to me about any of it I was confused. You started hanging out with this bad crowd of people and drinking too much and being self destructive and I had no idea what to do. You shut me out Nick, not the other way around.”

“I shut everyone out.”

“I know and it scared me to death. And then suddenly you come out with the news you’re making an album just as we’re about to start working again.”

“I really didn’t intend for it to go like that. I thought I’d be able to do both at the same time. They told me it was now or never for my album.” Yes, that’s why it’s called what it’s called.

“Because they knew they could bully you into it. If you had come to me or even Kevin…”

“I was afraid you’d try to talk me out of it. I needed to do it. I felt like it was all I had to cling onto.”

“I was there to cling on to. We all would have been there if you had let us.” I was amazed by the level of hurt I heard in his voice. All this time, I never once thought that maybe I had hurt his feelings too. My mind just never went that way.

“So you tried to kick me out of the band because I didn’t come to you for help?”

“No, I thought maybe if you saw us move on without you, you’d wake up and smell the coffee. I felt horrible for that whole thing Nick. Believe me, I actually went home and cried about it. You can ask my wife. She was probably sick to death of me always coming home and talking about you.”

“Is that why she hates me?” I smiled as I wiped at one of my tears. Yes, I was crying like the big sissy I am sometimes.

“One of the many reasons,” He half joked.

“I didn’t feel like anyone cared back then Brian. I was about as low as AJ was, minus the hardcore drugs.”

It was like he finally understood at that moment, what I’d been trying to say. “But yet, here I am always praising AJ and you get nothing.”

I nodded at him, “Yeah, something like that.”

“Nickolas Gene…”

“I hate when you call me that.”

“I know, and I don’t care…let me finish…” I laughed at him. “I am incredibly proud of you. Everyday I look at you, that lost little boy flashes in front of my eyes. I think about how far you’ve come and I am overwhelmed by what I see. I have always felt that way about you, even at your lowest lows and you know why?”

I forced myself to look at him, “No, why?”

He smiled and pinched my cheeks, “Because you are so friggin’ adorable I can’t even handle it!” and without missing a beat, he gave me a wet, sloppy kiss on the lips just as Kevin and AJ walked back into view of course.

“Whoa! Cue the porno music! Looks like we came back just in time for the sex scene Kevin! Bow chicka Wow wow…” AJ said as he played his air guitar.

“Shut up retard!” I slapped at his legs as he walked by and sat down.

“Are you guys hungry? I know I’m ready for something to eat!” Kevin said as he winked at me. I’m sure he’ll be expecting a full report but I think I plan on keeping this moment to myself.

I glanced over at Brian as AJ was telling him about his harrowing adventures on a small hike with Kevin. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing the word harrowing a lot with AJ this weekend.

Brian looked over at me and smiled and right then and there, that elephant finally got a little blurry. Maybe one day he’ll disappear completely.