"Potential Donor Recipient List"
He'd read the words at least a dozen times as he sat there beside his daughter's now empty hospital bed. He stared down at the creases in the blankets, at the stains on the sheets from where the nurses had cleaned her wounds one last time. He wanted to crawl into the bed and cover up with those blankets and breathe in the last remaining memories of his beautiful Lauren. Instead, he just sat there alone by her empty bed and stared at those blankets and read that list... over and over, again and again.
"Heart," The list began and was followed by words that took his breath away, "33-year-old female, wife and mother of two." He sighed as those words echoed in his mind. This was the only information he would receive, no name, no location, just age and those tiny details... but that was enough for him.
He wished with all his heart that he could run to Lauren now and tell her stories of the great miracles she was giving on this day. He wished he could tell her that her heart was going to save someone's mother. Her mother hadn't gotten a chance, but because of her, someone else's would. He stared down at the empty bed again and blinked back the tears that were stinging his eyes... if only she could know.
The three other recipients listed beneath the heart recipient;
Lungs -- 45-year-old female, wife and mother of one.
Kidneys -- 15-year-old female.
Liver -- 20-year-old male.
As he read the information and tried his best to absorb it all, his heart swelled with pride for his daughter, and sadness for those individuals. The thoughts of his wife's long battle penetrated his thoughts. Some of them were so young... young like Lauren had been. He wished they could know his daughter. She may very well be saving four lives and though the trade off for him would never seem fair... would never BE fair or feel right, he knew in his heart that she would be proud, and because of that, HE was proud.
The tears flowed freely as he laid the paper on the bedside stand and sat down on the side of the bed. He scooped up the stuffed lion she'd carried with her from the time she was just a small child. He closed his eyes tight and pressed it gently to his face. It still smelled like her. The scent was a welcome release from the medicinal smell of the hospital room. While everything else in the room reminded him of the pain and agony of the last three days, that lion reminded him of an entire lifetime of memories and joy. That lion was his one release from the reality he was being forced to face.
He opened his eyes when he heard the door open behind him and watched as her nurse slowly shifted her way into the room. He was thankful she had been Lauren's nurse. This young woman, not too much older than his daughter, had been an amazing comfort over the past three days without even trying. She'd always let him know what she was doing, what types of the tests and procedures his daughter would undergo and when they'd come to wheel her back for her final surgery... to wheel her back for her death... it was this nurse who had offered to allow him to stay in her room and wait instead of sitting in a waiting room surrounded by other families. Perhaps she knew what he knew... that he didn't need to be surrounded by hopeful people when for him, hope had run out.
"Is there anything I can get for you Mr. Grant?" She asked as she made her way over to the bed and sat down on the chair beside him.
He shook his head, "No. I'm alright for now."
She nodded as she rested a hand upon his shoulder, "The surgery will be over soon and we'll bring her back here for you to see her. Until then, just let us know if you need anything." He nodded his head in response, refusing to look at her for fear his tears would overcome him. She turned and walked from the room once more, leaving him alone again with his thoughts... alone with this empty bed.
He pressed the lion to his face once more, trying to escape the bitter reality that had invaded his already less than perfect life. This was all so different for him... so difficult. With his wife all those years ago, he'd sat beside her bed as she'd taken her final breath of air. He'd held her hand and said goodbye as her heart ticked slowly and painfully to a silent standstill. He'd never left his wife's side... not until the moment they'd wheeled her down to the morgue. It had been painful, but it had been the only way he'd known at the time to make it real, and he'd loved her enough to sit by her and hold her as she left this world for the next. His daughter's death would be different though. She'd been wheeled out of her hospital room, her chest still rising and falling with steady breaths, her heart still ticking a steady beat and she would be returned to him completely gone. He ached to hold her hand and be with her as she let go of this life, just as he'd done with his wife... but he couldn't do that.
The thought that pained him most as he sat in that small room, beside that empty bed was that she would be returned to him in a little while without a heart. That he would say goodbye to a body that no longer encased the spirit of his daughter. In his own heart he'd felt her spirit had flown away days before, but in his mind it still hurt to know he wouldn't get that real goodbye.
"Heart," He read it once more as he picked the paper up from off the bed... "33-year-old female... wife and mother of two."
If only she knew the miracles that were coming from the sadness of letting her go. He stared up towards the ceiling and closed his eyes, offering a silent and private prayer to God. He smelled the lion one last time as a feeling of comfort and peace washed over him...
Then again... maybe she did know.
