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*There's no winners
And there's no losin’
All we got is what we are
One mistake and I got you breakin’
This time I think I've gone too far
Baby tell me why we don't speak
open your heart to me, love me tonight

Don't walk away, baby
You gotta hear me say, I'm sorry
You know I'm not afraid
to say that it's me
Don't walk away
I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Why's it hard to, get inside you
Is it too late to make a start
You know I need you
Because I breathe you
And with every breath I fall apart

Baby tell me what's left of me
If your not right next to me
Baby I'd die

Don't walk away, baby
You gotta hear me say, I'm sorry
You know I'm not afraid
to say that it's me
Don't walk away
I'm sorry

There's no reason to cry
When you're drowning yourself
In your tears tonight
Part of me dies
And you know it's not right, yeah
And you know it's not right

Don't walk away, baby
You gotta hear me say, I'm sorry
You know I'm not afraid
To say that and stay
Don't walk away, baby
You gotta hear me say
I'm sorry
You know I'm not afraid
To say that it's me
Don't walk away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry- "Don't walk Away" Nick Carter

“That was amazing Nick,” Leslie, his sister told him. Nick set his guitar down and lied back onto the couch, coughing.

“Do you want to put that on the next BSB album or a single of your own?” Aaron asked sitting next to his brother. Nick only shrugged something he did too often these days.

“Nick lunch is ready,” BJ called from the kitchen.

“Not hungry,” Nick’s voice was scratchy and barely audible.

“Nick you haven’t eaten a meal since we’ve been here a week,” Aaron said tugging on Nick’s arm.

“I’m going to go for a walk,” Nick stood up and walked outside, stepping onto the beach.

“What are we going to do guys?” Aaron asked taking a seat at the table where his sisters were.

“He’s never been like this over a girl and it’s been six months. I think he’s lost twenty pounds, he doesn’t sleep, he’s either writing music or on that damn beach,” Leslie put in.

“Did you call Brian?” Angel asked Aaron.

“This morning, he was going to call Nick later, it’s his week with Bailey,” Aaron looked outside and watched Nick disappear down the beach.

“We need to get her back, so Nick can at least talk to her,” BJ spoke. “I’ll call Brian for it later. We may as well eat. We have to take Angel to the airport in a few hours.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to go model while our brother needs us. He’s been there for us countless times,” Aaron yelled standing up.

“Aaron, she’s been here for a week, I really don’t know much more we can do. Besides I have to get back to cooking school in a few days and you’re supposed to go to Dad’s…” BJ said walking up to Aaron.

“He’s just given up and that’s not Nick and the guys, they’re not much help.”

“Aaron he doesn’t want the help he has to want it first. You know that,” Angel put a hand on her twin’s arm.

“I’m going to go be with him, even if it’s just to be there for company,” Aaron tore his arm away from Angel and ran down the beach.
As he rounded the cove he saw Nick walking into the water, bare foot, jeans and a white tee was all he wore. “NICK!” Aaron yelled and Nick didn’t hear him with the crashing waves. Aaron took his shoes off in the sand and made his way into the cold water. He watched as a large wave came over Nick’s body and Nick was gone.

~*~*~South Carolina~*~*~
“You need to get hallow sooner and block harder, hand stand pops down the floor,” I told my level six gymnast as I stood at the vault ready to spot the next team member. “And DIG!” I spotted the eleven year old for a Tzuke (a round off onto the vault, back tuck off). She was my last gymnast and I brought the kids over to the floor to do stomach conditioning. When I was done I walked over to the parents where I usually talked to them for about ten minutes before leaving. When I got there, I saw the familiar sandy blonde hair, blue eyes and half grin of Brian. His hands were shoved into his pockets standing on the side, leaning against the wall.

“Excuse me,” I told one of the parents and went up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “What are you doing here?!” I kissed his cheek and kissed me back.

“Don’t I get a hello?” Brian asked me casually.

“HI! Now tell me what are you doing here?”

“When are you off?”

“Ten minutes ago, I’m never out early with team. Let me get my stuff,” I disappeared into the staff room to grab my purse and slid my flip flops on. “Ready!” I said wrapping my arm through his.

“Hungry?”

“Yeah, I don’t usually eat dinner until ten, eating by nine will be a good change,” I laughed. Brian nodded. “How did you get here?”

“Cab, so do you mind driving?”

“Of course not,” we walked to my car and drove to a small diner. We ordered our food and made small talk when I realized there was something important on Brian’s mind. “What’s wrong?” I asked taking a sip of my water.

“You can read me too well,” he said smiling.

“One of my many talents, now what’s up?” At that moment when his eyes met mine, I had butterflies in my stomach.

“Hails…its…look I know we have this don’t ask don’t tell but—”

“What’s wrong with Nick?” Brian’s eyes looked away from me, taking interest in the straw wrapper on the table. “Bri, I know it must be important, it’s your week with Bailey, you wouldn’t be here, now tell me.”

“Well, I got a call from Aaron last night. Nick hasn’t been well, Nick in a long time, not since…” Brian paused and looked at me; I nodded my head knowing what he was saying. “He went for a walk on the beach, Aaron followed him and saw Nick walk straight into the water with his clothes on, a wave took Nick down, it took Aaron three minutes before he found Nick—”
I brought my hand up to my mouth and felt my eyes burn, threatening for tears to tall. “Brian did he?”

“No, Aaron did CPR in time. He’s actually home but he’s sick, in so many different ways Hailey.” Brian came over to my side of the booth and sat next to me. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I knew exactly what he was asking.

“In what ways?” I took another sip of my water, my mouth felt extremely dry at that moment.

“They think he has the flu right now…they never went to the hospital after it all happened, Nick wouldn’t allow it. But it’s more than just the flu. He’s been going down for months, not eating, sleeping. I feel like I should’ve told you two months ago when things started getting really bad but I know how hard you’re trying to move on with your life and how difficult things have been for you.”

I didn’t know what to say, I felt scared, scared for Nick and I wanted to be sick right then and there. My heart started racing but I knew what I had to do. “When can we go?”

“There’s a flight leaving tonight, but would have to go pack now, it would be late when we got there,” Brian studied my face.

“Let’s go,” I moved down the booth and stood up.

“Hailey, I’m sorry,” Brian told me standing up.

“No, I’m glad you told me…do you think he tried to kill himself?” Brian waited for a minute and then slowly nodded his head. Brian through down a twenty and we headed for my apartment to pack up. I made a few phone calls to let people know where I’d be for a few days and Kara came over to bring us to the airport.

“Call me when you get there and Hailey?” Sarah said as we got out of the car to go into the airport.

“Yes?”

“You’re doing the right thing,” she pulled me into a hug and we said goodbye. Let’s hope so, I thought.
_________________
“Hailey, wake up, we’re here,” Brian lifted my head from his shoulder and I heard the flight attendant tell us it was okay to get up.

“Did you sleep?” I asked groggily.

“Yeah for about two hours, come on,” Brian took my hand and we exited the plane. “I rented a car so we can go as soon as we get our bags.” I nodded my head, I felt too sick to say anything. We got into a Jetta Brian had rented and he drove us the forty-five minutes to Nick’s beach house. I didn’t say one word on the way and stared out the window, letting the warm breeze enclose around me. It was about three am when we got to Nick’s.

“You ready?” Brian asked.

“No,” I took in a deep breath and let it out. As we got out of the car Aaron came out with BJ. Aaron immediately went to Brian and hugged him.

“How is he?” Brian asked.

“He’s asleep; he’s been sleeping all day. Brian we don’t know what to do? It’s just Leslie and I, he made the other’s leave but lately he’s been delirious so I just can’t leave him, I’m supposed to go to Dad’s but I can’t tell him what’s been going on? I don’t know what to do?”

“It’s alright buddy, I’m here, Hailey is here and the guys are coming out tomorrow night.” Aaron looked at me and I dropped my eyes to the ground, I couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything that’s been happening to Nick.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Aaron said to me and gave me a hug. I felt a small bit of relief and went inside.

“He’s throwing up,” Leslie said as she briskly ran up the steps. I followed behind her and went into Nick’s room. He was holding a bucket, violently getting sick. “Nothing’s coming up, “Les told us “He hasn’t eaten in weeks,” she rubbed Nick’s back.

“Get some Gingerale, chicken broth, crackers, we need to get something in his system,” I told Aaron, he nodded and took off. “Have you taken his temperature?” I asked Leslie.

“He was just under a hundred this afternoon,” she told me and handed me a thermometer. I took a seat next to Nick, he was as pale as his white sheets, his body shook and his forehead was sweating.

“Nick, I need to take your temperature,” I said softly putting my arm around him.

“Hailey?” he asked weakly as he lied back onto his pillows.

“It’s me, put this under your tongue,” I put the thermometer up to his mouth. “There you go,” he took the thermometer and his eyes closed. I pinched his skin just above his wrist and saw how his skin stayed scrunched for a moment. “He’s dehydrated.”

“What can I do?” Brian asked as he looked worriedly at his friend.

“I’ll let you know in one second,” I took the thermometer out as it beeped and read it. “Jesus,” I whispered to myself.

“What?” Brian asked trying to read it.

“104.3, we need to get him into the bath tub. Nick sit up,” I put my arm around him and took his sheets off. “Leslie go start the bath tub with cold water, Brian I’m going to need help getting him in there,” Brian nodded his head and put one of Nick’s arms around him. Nick moaned a little as we made him stand up.

“Come on man help us out, we’re going to get you better,” Brian told Nick holding him up.

“No,” was all that came out of Nick’s mouth. My heart was breaking a little more each time I looked at Nick, if I had just called or wrote back he wouldn’t be like this. We got him into the bathtub, he was wearing only boxers. Still too weak to hold himself up, Nick started to slide down the large bath. I took my sandals off and slid behind Nick into the icy water.

“I need ice bags, just get a bunch,” I told to Leslie and Brian. They left the bathroom and I was left holding onto Nick. His head hung forward and I pushed it to my shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, I’m so sorry Nick.”

“Here I got some water too,” Brian said coming into the bathroom. “Aaron left for the store to get the other things.” Brian handed me the glass of water. I brought it up to Nick’s parched lips and they remained sealed.

“Come on little sips, for me,” I whispered into Nick’s ear. I tilted the glass and he took a small sip. “That’s it Nick take another,” Nick took another and started choking. “It’s alright, Brian ice bags,” I set the glass down and he handed me an ice bag. I put one under each of Nick’s arms and one behind his neck. At this point I was already freezing from the cold water. For some reason though, I felt as though I had never been apart from Nick and it was completely natural for me to be caring for him the way I was.

“You’re shivering,” Brian told me sitting on the bathtub edge.

“I’m fine; could you go get the thermometer? His head is feeling cooler already,” I asked. Brian got up and I ran my fingers through Nick’s hair. I got him to drink a few more sips of water and Brian came back a moment later. We had been in the tub for ten minutes now and if his fever hadn’t dropped at all, we were going to have to get him to the hospital.

I stuck the thermometer under his tongue again, giving small kisses to his flushed cheek. A moment later it beeped and I pulled it out and signed in relief.

“What is it?” Leslie asked me.

“101.5,” I laid my head back onto the cool wall. “Another ten minutes and it should be down to almost normal and then we have to keep it there.”

“You’re amazing,” Brian kissed the top of my head. “I’ll get in and hold him up, why don’t you go get warm?” I shook my head no.

“I need to do this,” I told Brian. I couldn’t leave Nick.

“I’m cold,” Nick’s weak voice whispered as he shivered.

“I know, just a few more minutes Nicky,” my arms now wrapped around him tightly and I thought that if I let go even the slightest I’d lose him forever. Ten minutes later I checked his temperature one more time and it was 99.2. Brian helped me get Nick out and helped Nick get into dry clothes. Leslie had changed Nick’s sheets to fresh ones and I changed also. As I stepped out of the guest room, I saw Brian waiting for me against the door frame.

“Have I told you just how amazing you are?” I grinned a little at Brian.

“Not in the last hour,” I shrugged.

“What you did for Nick…you didn’t think twice you just took care of him despite everything.”

“It was just my nursing background, it was nothing—”

“It was everything Hails, I saw the way you looked at him.”

“I don’t think he even realizes I’m here, he was delirious from the fever,” I played with the ring on my finger.

“He was asking for you as we got him back in bed. Aaron is back with the soup and he’s making some up for Nick.” I nodded my head and bit my lip. “Go in there,” Brian through his head towards the door, I hesitated for a moment and went in.

When I went in, Nick was lying down, eyes closed and looked more peaceful than ever. I took the washcloth out of the bowl Leslie brought in, wrung the water out and placed it on Nick’s forehead. He stirred for a minute and opened his eyes at me.

“You’re really here?” I nodded my head and took Nick’s hand in mine, he gave it a small squeeze. “Hailey I’m so sorry…” he started coughing.

“Shh, let’s get you better. I’m not going anywhere,” I kissed Nick’s hand.

“Really?”

“Promise, just rest,” I was interrupted when Aaron came in with a bowl of soup. “Looks like it’s time to eat,” I took the bowl from Aaron’s hand.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“He’s going to be just fine, go get some rest, I hear you’ve been an excellent brother and have been by his side the entire time. It’s five in the morning.” Aaron leaned over Nick giving him a brief hug, hugged me and left. “I know you’re exhausted but you have to eat just a little, you’ll feel much better when you wake up.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” I helped Nick sit up a little and spoon fed him the chicken broth. I was able to get him to eat almost half of it before he was too tired to stay awake. I gave him two Tylenol and stayed with him until he fell asleep. By the time Nick was asleep it was almost 5:30am and I was over tired and knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.

Quietly I got off the bed and headed for the door. I took one more look at Nick and felt every emotion ready to come out of me; I walked out of the room and closed the door. I leaned against the door and slid to the ground bringing my knees to my chest. I laid my head down and let my emotions get the best of me; and began crying.

The house was quiet and everyone must’ve been asleep.

“Hailey?”

“I’m sorry B did I wake you?” I lifted my head and quickly dried my tears.

“Not really, are you alright?”

“You’re always saving me, do you know that?”

“Nah you don’t need to be saved, you’re strong enough. So, talk to me or I’m going to make you go to bed.”

“I guess it was just a lot at once and it just sort of hit me now where I was and who I was with…”

“I understand, how are you feeling over all of it?”

“I can’t decide, a part of me is scared and a part is glad that I’m here taking care of him a part of me is disappointed and just hates myself,” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“I don’t understand?”

“Don’t you see? If only I had called back to one phone call or wrote back to one email or responded to a text message or letter, he wouldn’t be here the way he is today. I mean he looks like death and it’s because of me Brian. I don’t care what someone else may have done to you but no one deserves to be treated this way and have to go through this and feel the feelings he’s been dealing with.
Brian how long has he talked about hurting himself like this?”

“I don’t know he first threatened the day you left but he never said anything about hurting himself since, which I know of. I told Aaron and his sisters about it and they said they would tell me if they heard anything and yesterday at the ocean I guess was the first real attempt. But he was already sick when he walked into those waters so who knows what he was really thinking?
I do know that it was not your fault in anyway and the fact you are here right now is all that matters, none of the past does.”

“But I should’ve…I could’ve…”

“NO, you’re doing everything right at this moment,” Brian cut me off and pulled me into his arms. “Come on let’s go get some sleep,” Brian stood up pulling my arms up with him.

“I’m going to stay with him tonight,” I pulled Brian in for a hug.

“Come get me if you need anything,” Brain kissed my forehead and walked into the guest room. I walked back into Nick’s room and carefully got into the right side of his bed, he was on the left turned face in. I gently brushed my finger tips through his hair and fell asleep.