Kevin watched as his Mother solemnly walked down the stairs clutching the chubby ten month old in her arms and as she reached the last step, her heels clacking on the wooden floor, he let out a sigh. If she hadn’t been able to make her see sense he didn’t know who could.
“I guess you’re up,” Kristin softly said to him as she reassuringly patted his shoulder.
“I doubt she’ll listen so me,” he said dejectedly looking down to her.
She offered a small smile before saying, “You’re her big brother, she’ll listen to you.”
“Tim and Jerry have already tried, what makes me any different?” He asked sceptically.
“Because she has always listened to you Kevin,” his mother told him as she neared the pair.
He sighed again before smiling when the chubby baby in his mothers arms began to babble. That smile faded when his Mother cleared her throat, a sign that she was getting impatient with him putting off the inevitable and he looked to the stairs knowing that he had one hell of a task in front of him.
***
She looked out the window but the vision was blurry, she couldn’t make much out about from the outlines of things but she knew what was there anyway, could paint the scenery with a blind fold, she had looked so many times. The view wasn’t spectacular, in fact it was pretty ordinary, you could see the other houses on the opposite side of the street, see the kids playing on their bikes, but the ground wasn’t level, the whole street was on a slight tilt and she had the best advantage. She could see quite easily over the roofs of the other homes and in the distance, well that was what made it so special. The river ran down and away, through the lushness of the green fields, along into the distance and disappeared somewhere along the horizon, on a clear day it seemed to sparkle.
It reminded her of where she grew up, something she had clung to when she had first moved here and had been so far from the family she adored. This was where she usually found her calm, where she could release the stress that had been building up from everyday life, where she could forget about the outside world for a minute and remember the things that were important to her.
It wasn’t working today.
Maybe it never would again.
She heard his heavy footsteps on the hard wood flooring of the stairs, they sounded so alike someone else’s and she wanted nothing more then for him to stick his head around the door, to smile at her and tell her that it had been some awful mistake and that he was fine, that he was alive but she knew that her wishes would not be granted. No this wasn’t the movies, a fairy godmother would not pop up and wave her magic wand, this was real life and real life was cruel.
She heard the footsteps come to a stop outside the door, he was hesitating but eventually he would either knock or just waltz in but she was determined that he was not going to change her mind, she was not going to cave.
The expected knock occurred a few seconds later but he didn’t wait for her to answer instead he slowly opened the door, the hinges squeaked waiting in vain for the man of the house to apply some WD40. She didn’t turn to face him, didn’t even acknowledge he was in the room but she could see out of the corner of her eye that he had taken a seat on her bed, and that’s how they stayed for a few minutes, her staring out the window, his eyes boring into her back. It was a game of wills, who would cave and who would hold out the longest, it had been the same ever since they were kids they were both as stubborn as each other.
He caved first.
“You win,” he said softly.
“What?” she asked but he knew what he was referring to.
“This thing we do, who’s going to cave first? Well… you win but only because I’m on a clock here,” he told her.
“Just go Kev,” she softly told him.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he simply stated. “If you stay I’m staying.”
“What if I don’t want you to?” She asked still staring out the window, her gaze drifting to the people in black, solemnly making their way towards the row of cars parked out the front.
“Tough. Look I can’t force you to go nobody can, but I think you will end up regretting it if you don’t. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month but you will regret it Caitlyn,” he warned.
She knew he was right, she was already regretting her decision but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t bring herself to, it was just too final. They were meant to be together forever, meant to have a large family, watch it grow, have lots of grandbabies and get old together but at the ripe old age of just 24 she was left to raise a ten month old alone.
“I just can’t Kev,” she whispered wiping the tear that fell away quickly.
“Why?” He asked still not moving from the bed.
“Because it means saying goodbye,” she said not bothering to try and hide the rest of her tears, it was futile now anyway, they had been pouring ever since she received the news.
“He’s gone Caity,” he told her as he pushed himself up and off the bed, making his way to her, “Nothing you do is going to change that,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her shoulder and she turned into his chest and sobbed. He was the same height, the same build and his hugs were great but they weren’t the same, he smelt different, he didn’t hold her as tight he didn’t squeeze her until she thought she would burst. He wasn’t the man she wanted but he would do for now.
“I don’t want him to be gone,” she sobbed.
“I know you don’t Darlin’ but he is and you need to get some closure on this, you need to say goodbye,” he tried to soothe, wrapping his arms around her tightly, placing a kiss to her head.
“I’m so angry Kev,” she sniffed.
“At God?” he questioned releasing his grip when she pulled back from his chest and sat down on the bed.
“At him. He’s dead and I’m angry at him how messed up is that?” she hiccupped as she wiped at her stinging eyes. She knew she looked a state, that her make up would be halfway down her face, that it would be smudged, that the hair would be every which way from how she had been racking her hands through it.
“It’s not wrong to feel that way.”
“I want to yell at him, to scream at him, to hit him for doing this to me, to his son,” she said angrily. “I want to ask him why we weren’t enough, why he had to go. Why weren’t we enough Kevin?”
“It wasn’t about you sweetie. It was his job, he was providing for you guys,” he tried to explain as he leant down to her level. She was quiet for a few minutes, her gaze fixed on the picture of the two of them that was on her nightstand. It had been taken a little over a year ago, she had been heavily pregnant with Cooper and he had been leaving, had been deployed to Iraq and was going to miss the birth of their first child. They had argued about it, but she knew there was nothing he could do to stop it, after all it was his job, and so she had learnt to except it, cherishing the remaining few days she had left with him. The picture had gotten her through the past eleven months it was the last picture she had of him, all she had left to remember him yet things had already started slipping away from her.
“I’ve already forgotten. If I say goodbye today how long will it be till I can’t remember other things, till he slips away from me and I forget who he was altogether?” She asked picking up the picture and trailing a finger over his face.
“What was Dad’s favourite colour? His favourite quote? What did he smell like?” he asked.
“Blue, learn from your mistakes and he smelt like grass and Wrigley’s spearmint gum,” she reeled off.
“You won’t forget him,” he told her.
“It’s not stuff like that though. It’s how big his hands were, his laugh, the way he would look at me when he thought I didn’t notice, I’m starting to forget him so how am I supposed to tell his son about him when I can’t even remember?” She said as she started to cry again.
“You’ll remember the important stuff, the stuff that Coop will want to know about his Father. So are you ready to go?” He asked.
“I’ll never be ready, but you’re right I have to do this…I just…” she hesitated as she put the frame back.
“Just what sweetie?” He asked.
“I just want someone to hold my hand,” she whispered and he didn’t miss a beat, slowly sliding his hands into hers he gave it a small squeeze of support.
***
The day was glorious, the sun shining, the birds singing, her son babbling at the nature that surrounded them but the freshly cut green grass was broken up by bright colours as well as lots of grey and white and instead of being in a park she was sat in a cemetery, burying the love of her life. She could feel the eyes on her, all the looks of sympathy, and she wanted to tell them all to piss off, to leave her alone, she didn’t want them telling her that they were sorry she just wanted him back.
“Let us pray,” The Pastor said and dutifully everyone lowered their heads, everyone but her, she kept her eyes fixed on the coffin that laid just a few feet away. “Dear Father, we bow reverently before you, We know in our deepest thoughts, beneath our doubts and fears, that thou are great. Give us the confidence and the strength and comfort we need in this hour, help us to lean upon you. We lift our hearts in gratitude for the life of James Sullivan our brother now gone from among us; for all that James was to those who loved him, and for everything in James's life that reflected your goodness and love. We thank you for the privilege of knowing him and sharing in his life. Help each one to lean upon you as James did. May almighty God, the Father; the Son; and the Holy Spirit bless you and keep you, now and forever more. Amen.
Trust in God and let Him turn your fears into faith, your sorrows into joy, your doubts into certainties, and your loneliness into divine companionship,” he finished and she knew that the military honours would now begin.
She had been against it, had not wanted anything from the organisation that had killed him, she didn’t want the flag folding, the five gun salute, the playing of taps it just seemed hypocritical but his parents had insisted. After all he came from a long line of soldiers, all his brothers were in the military, his father had been a general, they were extremely patriotic, something that she still hadn’t quite got her head around. How could they still be the way they were when they had had not just one son but two ripped from them? Why hadn’t they learnt last year when they buried their youngest? Jack had only been nineteen, too young to die, hell James was twenty four and that was still to young to die but yet here they were. Again!
She watched as the flag was folded by the five soldiers, each line precise, the ceremony rehearsed to within an inch of its life but she could see nothing but the coffin, the empty coffin what could possibly be in there after being blown up? She could think of nothing but that god awful day two weeks ago when she received the news that she had nightmares about, the news that would change her life forever.
14th May 2004
“I can’t believe how much he’s grown,” Kevin said as he bounced his nephew on his knee.
“He’s like a weed, aren’t you Coop? Mommy’s little weed eating her out of house and home,” she joked pulling a funny face at her son making him giggle at her antics.
“Motherhood suits you,” Kevin complimented looking at her.
“Oh shut up!” she blushed standing up tidying away the few toys that were scattered around the room. “So how long you staying bog bro?” She asked.
“A few days? I have to be in Florida for recording on Monday going to fly out Sunday afternoon,” he told her placing cooper on the floor so he could crawl when he started to get fussy with being confined on his uncles lap.
“Sounds good, you eaten?” She asked heading towards the kitchen.
“No.”
“You want some lunch?” She yelled back to him from the other room.
“Sure. You heard much from James?” He asked following her into the kitchen making sure to keep on eye on his nephew who was playing with a few stuffed toys in the hallway.
“He called last week, said he’s doing good and that hopefully he should be home next month,” she smiled puling various items from the fridge.
“Good, how you doing without him?” He asked leaning against the island in the middle of the spacious kitchen.
“Better then I thought I would but Coop has kept me busy,” she smiled brightly looking out into the hallway spotting her son making his way towards them both. “So how’s the album coming along?” She asked.
“Great, still a long way to go, I don’t think it will be out until next year but Rome wasn’t built in a day,” he shrugged.
“How’s the rest of the guys?” She asked buttering some bread.
“Good, excited about doing this again. It’s like old times. Are you going to ask about Nick?” He smirked raising his eyebrows to her, the dish towel she threw at him narrowly missing his head when he ducked.
“That was a long time ago,” she told him before going back to the task at hand. “How is he?” She added a few seconds later making her brother laugh at her.
“He’s good now, over the whole Paris fiasco I think.”
“Yeah I heard about that. I mean it was kind of difficult to miss,” she said shaking her head slightly.
“Yeah,” he agreed, “I think he’s learnt his lesson.”
“Does…does he…never mind,” she turned away quickly adding the cheese to the bread.
“Yes he asks about you. You still like him don’t you?” He asked curiously.
“I’m a married women Kevin, happily married and it was six years ago,” she blushed.
“So? There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for him, you dated for two years, you want me to get that?” he asked when the doorbell rang throughout the house.
“Thanks,” she smiled, setting down the knife and wiping her hands on the dish towel before picking up a fussing Cooper. “You thirsty baby?” She asked walking into the hallway to retrieve his sippy cup. When she saw his ashen face she knew, even before she saw the two uniformed men behind him she knew, this was what she had been dreading, what she had been having nightmares about even before he left.
“Cait?” Kevin started softly.
She gripped on to Cooper tighter and shook her head at him as she backed up into the kitchen, “NO! No I want them out, leave just leave, please,” she started as the tears started to fall.
“M’am?” The first man asked.
“NO,GO, GET OUT!” she yelled making the child in her arms jump and start to cry as the harshness of his Mother’s tone. “Kevin make them go,” she sobbed as she leant against the island for support.
“It is with deepest regret and sympathy that I have to inform you-”
The first gun shot rang out and echoed pulling her from one of the worst memories ever and made her jump. Kevin’s hand squeezed hers tighter and she wiped the tears the were falling from her eyes with her free hand before accepting the folded flag that was presented to her. She placed it in her lap and ran her hand across the material, wanting nothing more then to throw it back in the military’s face, she didn’t want some stupid flag, she didn’t want the medals that they presented to her next, she wanted him but they had taken him from her.
***
She couldn’t believe what she had just heard, that he had dare even say those words, a good day to die? A Nobel day and way to die? What did he know about it? She angrily wiped the tears from her face before picking up the medals that were stored underneath her seat. The ceremony had finished ten minutes ago, people had started to drift away, heading towards the wake but she had stayed not wanting to leave just yet, not being able to pull herself away.
She readjusted Cooper on her hip before making her way over to James’s father, handing him the boxed medals, making him stop his mindless waffle, stop justifying his sons death to the other military personal who had attended. He looked at her confused as she began to walk away.
“James would have wanted you to have these, for Cooper to have them,” he called after her, trying to hand them back and she did stop, she tried to bite her tongue, but she couldn’t, he had to know how she felt.
“We don’t want them,” she said clearly, cradling her son closer to her chest.
“It’s a difficult time for all of us,” he told her.
“How dare you?” She snarled. “How dare you stand there and say that? A good day to die?” She repeated, drawing attention to their conversation from the few people who were left behind.
“I was explaining the mind set of war.”
“You could have kept him here,” she said shaking her head at him, fresh tears falling from her already puffy eyes. “You could have saved him but instead you made him want to go back!” she said raising her voice, making Cooper start to fuss.
“Caitlyn,” Tim tried to interject but she didn’t listen she passed Cooper over to him.
“For what? Because there was something nobel in it? Why did you do that? When it would have been just as easy to make him stay for a much better reason, because we loved him,” she shrilly told him shaking her head in disgust.
Donald Sullivan said nothing just looked at her for a few seconds and then to his gradnson, before running his hand through his greying hair. He turned from her and walked over to his wife, not uttering a word and she started to follow him, to hear his explanation but Tim caught her arm, preventing her from her target.
“You’ve said your piece, leave it at that Caity, for today at least,” he told her, wiping th tear that fell from her eye away before wrapping his free arm around her.
“Are you ready to head back to the wake?” He asked after a few minutes.
“I’m not going,” she whispered, pulling away from him.
“Don’t say that, come on,” he tried to convince pulling at her hand.
“I can’t Tim, this was hard enough. I can’t be in a room full of people who are the reason he’s not here, I can’t drink wine and snack on canapés while they all stand there and chat about how great he was, about how noble he was and how it was a privaedlge to die for his country. I’d be a hypocrite,” she sniffed as she plucked the tissue from her bag, dabbing at her eyes.
“Mom, Kris and Tracey have already left with the kids,” he told her.
“You go take Cooper with you, I just want to be here for a while,” she said looking over to the coffin.
“Okay, say goodbye to Mommy Coop,” he said leaning to toddler into her so she could give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Bye baby, I’ll see you soon,” she said even managing a small smile.
She watched as he left with Jerry but she knew that Kevin would stay, even though she hadn’t asked him he knew she wanted him there but he hung back, knowing that she needed her space, knowing that she needed to say goodbye.
She took a deep breath in and released it slowly as she walked towards the shiny coffin with the beautiful arrangement of lily’s now sitting atop it, the picture of him in his uniform sat off to the side. Just another reminder of what he had died for. She trailed her hand along to smoothness of the wood, took one of the Lily’s from the arrangement and bought it to her face running the petal down her cheek. The pain in her heart seemed almost to much to bear, it was suffocating and with every breath she took the pain just seemed to increase.
She had lost him, he was never, ever coming back. Her soul mate was gone his mistake, his career mis-choice, well it had cost him but she was the one who had to suffer the consequences too, and it wasn’t only her, Cooper had to grow up without a Father. He wouldn’t even have any picture of him and his father together, how would she explain that? She wouldn’t even be able to describe James’s face when she told him he had a son, she had told him over the phone, a hasty two minute crackly phone call. This was not the way things were supposed to be, he was supposed to be here with them, he was supposed to help her raise him, to teach him how to ride a bike, to drive a car, talk to him about girls, show him how to build things. How could she do all that? How could she be both parents? How could she love him enough for both of them?
It just wasn’t fair. She knew what it was like to loose a Father, after all her own Dad had died when she was just ten and that had been hard enough. Sure she had three great older brothers who had looked out for her, hell Jerry had acted as a Father when she had been an awful rebellious teenager but it wasn’t the same and at least she had the memories of her Dad. She closed her eyes when she felt the cool breeze flow through the trees, blowing her hair back behind her shoulders.
“Is this something I’ll never get over?” She asked Kevin knowing that he was near when she heard the twigs crack under his feet.
“No this is something that you find a place to put,” he told her, “you let it make you stronger, then you go on living your life because that’s all you can do,” he said taking her hand, “that’s the way he would have wanted it.”
She placed a kiss to her finger tips before placing it on the coffin and then she made herself walk away, stealing one glance back she wondered what her future held.
Story Notes:
COMING SOON!
Author's Chapter Notes:
The Richardson's attend a funeral
Chapter End Notes:
Let me know what you think!
