"I haven't always been this way..."

He could do nothing but stare out across the East River and wonder what the old man was trying to tell him. He didn't need know...didn't care. He didn't want to deal with this right now when he'd worked every thing out in his mind so perfectly.

He'd had every intention of walking straight out onto this bridge, heaving himself onto the railing and throwing himself directly into the icy waters below. The fall alone would kill him, he was sure of it. He would never even have a chance to feel the stinging pain of the frigid waters because the fall alone would do him in.

He'd had every intention of getting it over with before his mind could come up with a reason not to. He'd had every intention of doing this thing now... right now. He certainly didn't need this homeless man standing beside him to come up with a reason for him not to do this right now.

He didn't want to think about it anymore. He was ready. Just do it. Just go.

He put his foot slowly upon the bottom rail and closed his eyes. He lifted himself so that his other foot came up as well. He could feel the cold winter air blowing wildly around him now. He could feel the snowflakes... more like tiny snowballs in a blizzard... pelting his forehead and nose. He'd never felt so alive, and so dead at the same time. He felt a sense of relief and sense of excitement, a sense of readiness and yet... that same numbness he'd been feeling for so long... he was feeling that too. He felt it would be good to die not feeling. It would be good to die not giving a damn.

"I haven't always been this way."

The old man repeated his line once more, a whisper in the wind, like he was telling it to the night air more than to Aj. Aj couldn't help but hear though... couldn't help but listen and wonder what the old man meant by his words. For a brief moment his thoughts went from the task at hand to how the old guy had ended up alone on this bridge living under a cardboard box. For a moment his eyes focused on the old man who was still staring out across the water as if looking for an answer to some long forgotten question. Aj stared for a moments as the man sighed and leaned forward, pulling his heavy winter coat around his tired body as he turned to face him.

"I've had my moments you know."

Aj couldn't help but glance at him questioningly. "Had his moments...", he couldn't help but wonder what that meant. Maybe this old man just needed someone to listen. Maybe he was in the same boat as Aj. Maybe he felt the numbness too. He pulled one foot down off the rail and leaned heavily there with his body looking at the man questioningly, waiting for him to go on... waiting for him to spill his guts, or beg him to stop, or tell him a story. Maybe it was the least he could do before he took the final leap.

The old man looked back and nodded. "I remember," he began, "one of the greatest days of my life... I was 23 years old and I was on a plane coming back from the Vietnam war."

Aj nodded... he couldn't imagine what war would be like... he wouldn't want to try. It was bad enough having to leave his family behind to go on tours for months at a time, he couldn't imagine the whole idea of having to live and breathe a warzone for as long... if not longer.

"I'd been over there so long and I'd seen so much," the man continued, a somber look of rememberance crossing his face. "I'd felt so much... feared so much. But I knew that coming back meant home and family. It meant being with my wife and going back to working on the farm. I couldn't wait to get off that plane and lift her in my arms." Aj nodded, knowing that feeling. The feeling of returning even if it wasn't ever quite the same. "We were heroes... at least, that's what the government told us. We were heroes and both our families and our country were so damned proud of us."

Aj pulled his other foot down off the rail and leaned his back against it as the man went on.

"I remember arriving at the airport and going through the long hours of debriefing. I remember holding my breath and waiting for what felt like forever for them to tell us that we could go home. But mostly I remember the look on her face when she saw me for the first time. I remember how she felt in my arms... how her hair smelled... how she'd brought me an ice cold Coca Cola just because she knew how much I missed it. That was a moment you see... a moment when life was amazing and when nothing in the world mattered but right then and that moment made every other moment in my life worth living. All those months away and all those things I'd seen. I'd do it again for that sort of moment."

Aj wasn't sure exactly why the man was sharing this, but he knew that the stories were starting to make him think about things and he knew that thinking was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to think about how much he'd loved his wife and how much she'd ended up hating him. He didn't want to think about how right now he was missing and she wasn't even looking. About how she didn't seem to care.

"Then the day my son was born," the old man continued, a nostalgic smile crossing his face, "that was the greatest day of my life."

Aj sunk down to the ground, seated there by the bridge, leaning back and letting the cold snow soak his jeans. He didn't care though, he couldn't feel it... couldn't feel anything. He stared at the man, stared and listened. Maybe he could do this one last favor before he gave up. Maybe this was something he was supposed to do.

"My wife was so strong... so brave... so beautiful that day. I remember holding her hand for nearly 52 hours. 52 long, painful hours. I remember when the doctor shouted 'It's a boy!' and I remember hearing him cry for the first time. I don't think I've ever heard a more beautiful sound in my entire life. I remember watching as they carried him to the table and weighed him and then as they brought him over and laid him on my wife's chest. I remember thinking how amazing life was and how lucky I was and how beautiful he was. I remember spending the next 2 days just staring at him. I remember choosing his name, Michael, after one of my fellow soldiers I'd met in the war. I remember believing he would grow up to do incredible things."

Aj couldn't take his eyes away from the man now. He wanted that feeling. He wanted to be a good husband... to be there to hold her hand through hours of labor and days in the hospital. He wanted to be a good father. He wanted to help name his son and be the first to hold him and love him and believe that he was going to grow up to be someone special. He wanted to be there to watch him grow up.

He rubbed his eyes vigorously with his hands. No. He couldn't think about it. They would all be better off without him. His wife, his son, his friends. They would all be better off if he just ended it all. "You'll make a shitty father." That's what she'd said... "you're already a shitty husband."

"Those moments... as far away as they seem now... make living worthwhile," the old man continued, a smile appearing on his face once more. "Without those moments I would be nothing. Without those moments... I would have no reason to live."