I stared out the window of the airplane, watching as the beautiful islands of Hawaii disappeared in the distance. All that was below us now was a vast expanse of ocean. An entire ocean filled with plants and animals and... life. Such a complex and amazing part of the world that from up here in the air looked so seemingly simple. Just a sea of blue splashed below us.

I glanced across the aisle of our small private plane to where Nick and Mia were seated watching one of her cartoon movies (most likely one with princes and princesses) on the DVD player in Nick's lap. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of them there together. Mia laughed at something on the screen... she laughed and laughed... Nick started to giggle along with her and their laughter grew to some infectious sort of chuckle that spread throughout the cabin of the plane and even made the pilot up front giggle with them.

I sighed deeply trying to remember the wonderful times we'd shared in the past... and trying to forget the last year of our lives. As if maybe forgetting would make everything better. I looked out the window again and watched as the last little bit of Hawaii melted away in the distance. All the times we'd traveled there and all the fun we'd had and no matter how many times we left that island I was plagued with the memory of that long flight home. 2008... nine long years ago... nine incredibly long and difficult, inspiring and wonderful, trying and momentous years. And after nine long years, I still remembered the pain. The agony of that hellacious flight from Hawaii to LA. From LA to Kentucky... and Kentucky... to cancer.

I shook the thoughts of that flight away, but I couldn't shake the thoughts of the last year from my head. My mind constantly replayed those moments, nearly a year ago to the day, that our lives were forever changed again. The day that God decided to shift the planets in their very orbit and knock our lives off course once more.

This time though... this time, no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't getting back on track.

I lifted Mia carefully from her crib and cradled her in my arms, shushing her gently as I stood for a few moments, rocking her back and forth in the middle of the room. I grabbed the infants tylenol from the changing table in the corner and measured out the correct doseage. She screamed as I set her down momentarily and swiftly squirted the neon pink gloop into her mouth. I scooped her from the changing table once more and headed out into the hallway, still trying to soothe her pained cries.

Teething sucked.

I walked down the hall as she finally quieted and peeked into the guest room drawing in a sigh of relief as I took in the sight of the sleeping figures in the bed. 13-year-old Riley and her 8-year-old brother, Peter were curled up together there, cuddling as they always did when they spent the night at our house. I snuck in the room and gave them each a gentle kiss on the head, trying my best to cover them with the comforter as Mia squirmed in my arms. I stared at them for a moment as the morning sunlight streamed in the window on their faces, noticing for the first time in a long time how much Riley looked like her mother... and how much Peter smiled like her (because Peter always smiled when he slept). I stared at the picture on the bedside stand of the perfect couple (the handsome man and his bald-headed wife), their children wrapped tightly in their arms basking in the sunshine on a tropical island. Kate would have been so proud of them.

Kate.

My best friend and neighbor and the mother of these two beautiful children. If only she could have lived long enough to see them grow up. To see them go to school and lose their teeth. To see them play sports and go on first dates. Instead it was their father, Sean, who was left alone to do it all... except on Thursday nights when they spent the night at our house so that Sean could work extra hours and Riley and Peter could have some "woman" time.

I gently brushed Peter's hair from his face and kissed his cheek one more time before slipping quietly from the room. I headed down the stairs with the extremely cranky Mia where I fixed her a cup of milk and a bowl of oatmeal before settling myself into the morning paper for my final moments of peace before the other kids woke up and demanded their breakfast.

I thought nothing of it when the phone rang a few minutes later. In my mind it was Sean, calling to see how the kids were doing. Or Nick, calling to tell us he loved us. I didn't even bother to check the caller ID, just picked it up and said, 'Hello."

"Hello?"

"Hello."

The voice on the other line was a voice I didn't recognize, a young man who asked for me by my first name "Kathryn." And normally I'd hang up, believing it to be a salesperson trying to peddle me insurance, but today I didn't. Today I answered and today I said, "This is she." And I'm still not sure why... but today... I did.

"This is Dr. Nathaniel with Women's Health at Central Baptist." He spoke and I listened intently. "We had some concerns about your latest tests and we'd like for you to come in and have some further testing done."

My heart fell. My stomach jumped.

Mia banged her spoon on her highchair.

Peter skipped into the kitchen and asked if I had any pancakes.

The rain outside pelted the windowpane over the sink and the backdoor and my brain.

I hung up the phone and called Nick who was on location in California.

"I'm on the next flight home." He told me, trying hard to keep his composure, "Everything will be okay baby... I'm sure everything will be just fine."

Except it wasn't.

"Grace... Gracie..."

I felt a tug on my shirt and I jumped as Nick's concerned face came into view.

"Uh... you okay?" He asked as I shook my head in attempt to once again clear my foggy brain.

All I could do was nod. I looked out the window of the plane again and saw that we were approaching land.

"LA," he whispered as he shifted a sleeping Mia in his arms and stuck the DVD player back in his backpack, "we should be landing in a few more minutes."

I nodded and shifted uneasily in my seat.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again, reaching across the aisle and taking my hand in his. This was just one more of those sweet things Nick always did that made me fall in love with him so often all those years ago. He always knew when something was wrong... and he'd never let it go.

I shook my head, "I just hate flying." It was all that I could think to say. Nick hated flying too... it was something we'd always have in common.

He squeezed my hand a little tighter, "I'm sure everything will be just fine."

I closed my eyes...

If only he knew.