Lies and Confessions
Written by Deanna, copyrighted. 2008
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My life is a lie.
That's my first thought as I lie in bed my husband sound asleep beside me. I turn on my side to watch him to see the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps and I sigh. How did I let it get this out of hand? I'm married but my heart belongs to another. Another who doesn't love me back, another who has hurt me emotionally and physically, another who has damaged who I once was and any chance of bringing her back. And yet...as crazy as it sounds I still love him. I don't know why I just can't seem to shake him lose. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest thinking back to when I was with him...when I was with Nick.
My thoughts took me back to when we first met, our rocky relationship, and finally to our breakup. He was so sweet when we first started out then as time wore on every little thing I did was wrong, and I've been called every name in the book by the one man who I thought loved me. I would always ask myself, what did I do wrong? I never did figure it out and the fact that I shut my friends out didn't help the matter. Krissie always said he was a no good son of a bitch and that I deserved better. She was right but I didn't want better, I just wanted Nick no matter what or what anybody else said. He has put me through hell and back but I still love him, so much it hurts. She didn't understand nobody did, when you love somebody that much you'll put up with anything to stay with them. So that's what I did, I took the abuse, the hurtful words, the cheating and look where it got me. I became depressed and withdrew myself from everybody and everything. Nick has done nothing but drag me down one hurtful word and action at a time.
There was a time long before I ever met Nick that I vowed that I would never put up with someone like that, that I would never let myself stoop that low. Where was that person now? She was gone and she wasn't coming back because of Nick the girl I once was is gone forever. I looked over at Brian once more then got out of bed heading to the nursery to check on Chris. As I walked towards the room I remembered what I almost did. I was so depressed I was gonna kill myself and my unborn child if Nick didn't take me back. That was childish I know and I'm so glad that I didn't go through with it, I love that little baby so much and I can't imagine my life without him. I walked to the crib and looked down at him sound asleep and sighed he looked like his Daddy, there was no doubt he was Brian's. I crossed my arms and lay my head against the railing watching my son sleep and smiled.
Brian sat up in bed rubbing his eyes he looked to his right and saw that his wife wasn't beside him. 'Where could she have gone' he thought. He got out of bed and was about to walk out of the room when he heard her voice over the baby monitor talking softly to their son. Their son...the one who wouldn't be here now if she had jumped off that pier. He walked down to the nursery and pushed the door open taking in the sight of his wife cradling Chris softly rocking. He crossed the room and knelt in front of her, she looked at him and smiled.
"I didn't hear you get up," Brian said as he smoothed back what little hair Chris had
"I was thinking over some things and I didn't want to wake you."
"Thinking of me I hope." Brian smiled and she smiled back "Always."
Brian leant down and kissed the top of his sons head and I just sat there watching.
'Why do I keep lying to him?' I thought. That's something I constantly found myself doing all I was doing was leading him on. I do love him but I have a feeling that Brian knows better, knows that even though I gave him my hand in marriage that my heart belongs to Nick. Always had always will be. You know how they say when your abused it's hard to get away? That's exactly how I feel just think about it...I love Nick therefore I will go through anything to be with him. Even though the hurtful things he says really hurts but I know deep down he truly loves me and one day it will be like it once was. But now is not that day now I am married to his best friend who dispises him, who I have a son with, his best friend who I don't feel things for as I do for Nick. Nobody can ever replace him he holds a special place in my heart, the place that is now a void that nobody not even Brian can fill.
There are times I wish I was honest with him on how I feel but then I stop to think what it would do to him if I told him I didn't love him. Brian has been there through all the tough times when Nick and I was together. I hate lying to him, I hate myself for wishing he was Nick whenever we were together, I hate myself for everything wrong in my life right now. I looked down at Brian still knelt before me cooing at Chris, I smiled at the sight. There was no way I was going to tell him how I really felt and break his heart in the process.
Story Notes:
Yes you've guessed right, the writer's block has FINALLY lifted. YAY!
