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Act Seven

(The sun has risen, and its warm inviting rays overtook the city of New York. The birds were singing their usual songs and children were at play in the clean, idle streets. Everything seemed to be utterly perfect...until a bloodcurdling scream shatters the sweet silence of the early morn. Mother Capulet found her most precious life on her bed, her hands plastered upon her rosy cheeks...lifeless.)

Mother: My God...NO!!

(The nurse, Mariah, and Father Capulet rushed down the hall in search of the Lady's scream.)

Mother: our daughter...she is dead...DEAD!! how could this have happened?!

Father: No...not this...not now!!

(The father and the mother both cried and screamed in anguish as they continued to look at their lifeless daughter's body. Mariah was the first to hover over her sister, and check her neck and wrist for a pulse: Nothing.

Mariah: J...Juliet, it's me...please, wake up...I know you hear me...(her voice begins to crack) Sister...you are not dead...I know you're not...please...awaken...AWAKEN, damnit!

(the father pulled her away from Juliet. She clings onto her father's cotton Terry robe, and cried her eyes out.

Nurse: This is a saddening day...for all of us...(she looks up at the ceiling) her soul is now on loan by God's will...

(Everyone was outside her door, crying and trying to figure out why and how she died. The mother turned towards her husband.)

Mother: this is all YOUR fault!

Father: MY fault?

Mother: Yes! If you hadn't have forced her into a planned marriage, she wouldn't have died of distress!

Father: You heard what she said last night! She didn't want to go against OUR wishes, so she agreed to marry Paris...

Mother: This is complete and utter bullshit! You could see that she was lying out of her ass! She ALWAYS went against your wishes because, well...she doesn't like you!

Father: Does too!

Mother: Does not!

Father: Does too!

Mariah: ENOUGH!

(They all turn to her in wonder)

Mariah: All of you are quarreling over nothing! Juliet is DEAD, don't you get it?! She's not coming back, and all you two can think of is who she was planning to marry? I cain't believe y'all! I'm goin' out!

Father: Where are you going?

Mariah: To visit a friend...

(Mariah walks out of the Capulet mansion in search of Romy.)

(Meanwhile, at the Friar's office, he's at his computer, ready to send Romeo an email on where to meet his wife. He's having trouble with his Internet connection.)

Friar: Blasted America Online...no good ass dial-up...

(He gets up, and kicks his computer tower, and it shuts off instantly.)

Friar: ......oops.

(A half hour later, the priest finally got the computer working, and he opens up his Yahoo-ith! Account.)

Friar: Alright, let's get this happily ever after started off right...

The Friar's E-Mail
“Hello, my child. This is Friar Littrell, letting you know of something great. You sittin' down? Great. This concerns your fair Juliet, and your happily ever after you two want oh so badly. Tomorrow, you have to go to the Capulet tomb and find her 'dead' body there. No, this isn't a cruel joke, so please cease the arrival of your broodish gang. I'm serious. Now, when I say, “dead”, she's actually in a deep sleep, but she is going to awaken at the 48th hour, so get there beforehand. And when you get there, she will awaken, you two are reunited, and BAM! You and your beloved are off to you rhappily ever after!
Good Luck, my Son.
Best Regards,
Friar Littrell”

Friar: Done and done.

(Afer he completed the email, he clicks 'SEND'.)
Friar: now, we play the waiting game.

(He sat back, looking at the sending meter move from 0% to 100%. It's at 1%...40 minutes ago.)

Friar: .......damnit.

Mariah: ROMEO!

(Mariah arrived at the Montague hangout spot at a fast pace. She looked around for anyone: Benny, Cutie, the ho on 56th street. Anyone. But she was mainly looking for her deceased sister's beloved: Romeo.
After walking around for quite sometime, and knocking out the teeth of some old ass man trying to pick her up, she still couldn't find them. Suddenly, Benny turned the corner and walked to the direction of where Mariah was.)

Mariah: BENNY BABY!

Benny: Mah Mah! What's the matter?

Mariah: Something horrible has happened!

Benny: You got yo' purriod?

Mariah: What? No, that's not it...

Benny: Then, what is it, Boo Boo?

Mariah: (crying) it's my sister...Juliet's...Juliet's...

Benny: Lezzin' out?

(Mariah smacks him upside the head)

Mariah: NO! She dead, foo'!

Benny: Say what?

Mariah: I say to you, she dead!

Benny: (covers his mouth) Oh, shit...

Mariah: I know, right? Romeo ain't gon' be thrilled about this one fuckin' bit...where is he, anyway? I must tell dat wigga...

Benny: Romy at the poolhall on Lex and 4th. I'll take you to where he at.

Mariah: Thank you, Benny...I knew I could trust yo' ass...let's go...

(Benny and Mariah both walk off to the direction of the poolhall. Meanwhile, Friar Littrell awaits for his email to Romy to go through. The meter is at 12%.)

Friar: Oh, give me a God Damn break!

(he hears a fierce roar of thunder, and he cowers in fear.)

Friar: EEK! Sorry, O Lord...

(Mariah and Benny arrive at the poolhall. They stand there watching him take another shot.)

Romy: YES! I win again! Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me!

Mariah: Rome--

Romy: Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me--

Benny: ROMEO!

Romy: Go....go me! Go—what?

Mariah: There's something that we have to tell you...

Romy: (sits the pool stick down) what is it?

Mariah: It's about Juliet.

Romy: My shortie? My Boo Boo? What about her?

Mariah: (hangs her head down low)

Romy: ...I don't like the looks of that, Mariah...did she get married to dat Paris dude?

Benny: Worse.

Romy: The fucker knocked hu' up? Oh, I'mma get my gat, and I'mma shoot dat mu'fucka, and--

Mariah: NO! Julie....Juliet is dead.

Romy: ....finna get my .38, and----what?

Benny: Jay Jay died, man...last night.

(And from that moment on, Romeo's world started to collapse. He couldn't believe it: his beloved wife, taken from this world, at such a young age. The one person that made life worth living again...was gone.)

Romy: (holds his chest) Where...where is she?

Mariah: She's at the Capulet tomb now...go and say your Last Rites to her...

(Without letting her finish, he runs out of the club, gets in his Durango, and drives off towards the Capulet mansion.)

(The Friar started to lose patience, for the meter is now at...30%.)

Friar: I SURE wish I had a phone...this sucks!

(He sat at his chair, tapping his feet and hums the song “Welcome Home, You”)

(Meanwhile at the mansion, Mother and Father Capulet called Paris to their home. Paris was less than thrilled about Juliet's 'passing'. In fact, he was on his knees, crying and preaching his love for her in Spanish.)

Paris: AYY! NO!! mi DULCE MANZANITA!!! Why you gotta die...? 'Uh? Why today?! Our wedding day?! POR QUE, MI AMOR?! POR QUE?!?!

(the mother and father just looked at him, crying along with him)

Father: We knew how much you loved her...

Paris: Yes...I loved her more than life itself, and now...(crying again) where is her now lifeless, virginal body?

Mother: In the tombs.

Paris: I must say my last goodbyes...*he takes out a solemn white rose* Please...

Father: Go.

(Paris gets up off the floor, and brushes himself off. He then says goodbye to the Capulets, and leaves the mansion.)

Paris: (heads towards the tomb, which was in the outside basement of the Capulet house.) My beloved Julietta...you had the most radiant booty—I mean beauty I have ever laid eyes upon, and now...you're gone...and that booty—beauty is forever wasted...

(he kneels down, and kisses her cheek and forehead)

Paris: Ohh, my Love...my most precious life...(he snuggles his face against her bosom, and inhales.)

Paris: God, you smell so good...you smell like pineapples...

(Romeo is now found at a local drug shop, looking for the strongest poison, so he may join his wonderous Juliet in death. He walks up to the counter, and waits for anyone that might help him.)

Apothecary: May I help you?

Romy: (looks up) Huh? Oh, yeah. Um, I just found out that my wife died this morning, and I would like some of your strongest heroin.

Apothecary: Alright then. Let me guess: you two are star cross'd lovers whose families are goin' at it for no reason?

Romy: Bingo.

Apothecary: I see. I get those all the time. Here. (he hands him a bag of white powder.) Snort, or smoke this up, and you'll join your lover in death in no time. On the contrary, this may not get you to your wife in heaven, since you'll be taking your own life, and therefore will end up in Hell--

Romy: I'll do whatever it takes!

Apothecary: (thinking) Man, he ain't the shiniest bead on the rosary, is he?

(Romy gives him a $100 bill, but he pushed it away.)

Apothecary: No. It's on the house.

Romy: Thanks, man...

(And with that, he bids the Apothecary adieu, and runs out towards the Capulet Mansion.)

(Meanwhile, at the church.)

Friar: WORK, DAMNIT WORK!!!

(The meter FINALLY made it to 100%, and the email is now sent. But little did the priest know that Romeo will never know of the plan, and that he's planning on joining his lover in death.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(At the Capulet tomb, Paris lies next to Juliet's 'lifeless' body, singing Hero by Enrique Iglesias. Tears started to fill his eyes, for she's dead, and the fact that he wanted to make love to a young virgin.)

Paris: You can take...my breath away...OHH, this is not fair! I was to be your little Private Dancer, Mamita...why did you have to die, 'uh? This ain't right!

(Again, he places his head upon her breasts, and sighs happily) I can die riiiiiiiiight now...

(Romy arrives at the Capulet tomb, just in time of seeing it open. He carefully and quietly sneaks into the cave like tomb with his flashlight, beginning his search for his fair Juliet.)

Romy: She's gotta be around this mu'fucka somewhere...She has to be...

Paris: (he sits her up, and looks into her pale, angelic face) You could have had 13 of my babies, Julietta...Can I tell you their names? Ok. Jose, Fernando, Pari Jr., Pari Sr., Maria, Marcella, Kee Kee, Mario, Juvi, Cristobal, uh...Howito....um...Juliettina...and...Fernanda. They would have had your beautiful, long radiant, sexy ass brunette hair...*sniffles* And now....estas MUERTE! MUERTE!! (he starts to cry again)

(Meanwhile, Romy makes it to the last room of the tomb with the door marked, “Here Lies Juliet Capulet: Sister, Daughter, Future Lover of a Sexy Burrito Man.” This angered him to the utmost.)

Romy: When I get my hands on him, I'll--(Just then, he hears someone in the tomb talking and crying.) What the...? (Romy opens the door, and sees Paris kissing on Juliet's face.)

Paris: I love you, (MWAH) I love you! (MWAH) God, I LOVE YOU! (MWAH)

Romy: Get your greasy ass away from my woman!

Paris: (springs his head up) YOUR woman?

Romy: You heard me, mu'fucka...dat's my woman, man...and if you don't let her go, I'll bust a cap in yo' ass.
Paris: You don't have that CAJONES to do that to me: Paris Lopez-Rodrigo-Vicente-Lupito-Vasuega-Fernandez-Esposito-Ochito-Ochata-Consuelo-Algarron! I dare you to do it!

Romy: Ok. (Romeo takes out his .38, and aims it at his foot.) Now, Li'l Chihuahua...dance. (He shoots at his foot, which caused Paris to jump up and down)

Paris: AYY!! STOP!

Romy: Now, like I said...step away from the corpse.

Paris: Make me.

Romy: I thought I just did.

Paris: Yes, you did, but I'm a hardheaded lover, ya know...?

Romy: No.

Paris: Alright, then. Feel my Latin wrath, you EENFEEDEL!

Romy: ...(stands there, confused) It's Infidel.

Paris: I say that.

Romy: whatEVER...fuckin' die...(he shoots at him)

Paris: HA! You missed!

Romy: Would you just go?

Paris: NO! She is my virgin wife! I will stay here forever if need be!

Romy: You know what? FU—wait....did you just say...'VIRGIN wife”?

Paris: Yes, I don't think I stuttered, did I?

Romy: Man...where have YOU been?

Paris: What do you mean?

Romy: (laughs) if you think that Juliet's a virgin, you are sadly mistaken...

Paris: (drops his gun upon the ground)......what?

Romy: You see, Juliet and I are married, and we were bumpin' nasties the other night. OHHHHHH it was MAJIK!!

Paris: You mean...Juliet isn't--(turns around and looks at her body plastered onto the cold stone pedestal) a virgin?

Romy: Not by a long shot.

(Paris looks at Juliet, and then at Romeo, then at Juliet again.) Welp, it's about that time for me to say Adios.

Romy: What?

Paris: I was promised a virginal wife, and all this time, she wasn't one?

Romy: (shakes his head)

Paris: You...you had already been in MY shit!

Romy: Damn skrate...ha ha....thass' whassup.

Paris: I can't believe this shit!

Romy: NOW will you go?

(Paris looks up at him, and sighs heavily)

Paris: Yes...(Paris walks past Romy and leaves the tomb, slamming the door, hollering “this is BULLSHIT!” and cursing in Spanish. Romy shakes his head, giggling.)

Romy: What a fruity booty...(looks over at her) Jay Jay...(he rushes over to her, and holds her head to his chest.) My love...why did you have to leave me...? What have I done to deserve your death, huh? I didn't give you a good weed hookup? Wrong crotchless draws for your birthday? The Hpnotiq wasn't chilled enough? Tell me why you did it...(he cowers over her) why...?

(Ever so slowly, he slumps down and leans against the stone pedestal. He slips his hand in his pocket, and takes out the little bag the Apothecary gave him for free.) If this is the only way for me to be with my lover...then, so be it...(Upon the stone tiled ground, he empties out the contents, and separates them into slender lines. He hears a mumble, but he doesn't think anything of it. As he's about to lean down, and snort up the first line...she awakens.)

Juliet: Mmm....R...Romeo....

Romy: (stops himself) what the...? (turns around) JULIET!!! You're alive!

Juliet: Of course I am...I was never dead. You can thank Friar Littrell for that.

Romy: Really? I can't believe it...why didn't he tell me about this?

Friar: Because I have a slow ASS Internet connection.

Romy: Fri...thank you...

Friar: It's my pleasure...

Juliet: So...what now?

Romy: Do you want to stay here? And be ruled by your parents forever?

Juliet: HELL NO!

Romy: then, let's get outta here!

(Just then, The Lady and Lord Capulet and Montague rushes into the tomb. Thanks to Paris's uproar, he told everyone about Romeo and Juliet's forbidden love.)

Mother Capulet: When I get my hands on-

Father Capulet: They're GONE!

Father Montague: Really?

Mother Montague: They're gone?

Mother and Father Capulet: YES!

(The two quarreling families stood pondering and looking at one another.)

All: YAY! It's about goddamn time!

Father Capulet: The plan worked perfectly.

Paris: What plan?

Mother Capulet: The plan to get those two out of New York! They were too...too...

Father Montague: Ghetto?

Mother Capulet: YES! Thank GOD they're gone!

Paris: What about me?!

Father C: What about you?

(Paris runs out of the tomb, crying his eyes out.)

(We find Romy, Juliet, Mariah, Benny, and Cutie in Romy's Hummer, drinking 40's and smokin' weed.)

Romy: Ahhh.....na', DIS is livin', ain't it, Boo Boo?

Juliet: Ohh Romy, you are so right, baby...

Cutie: YEAH!! Dis da shit! 'Ey, Benny, turn on dat radio, playa. When I'ms high, I gots ta listen to my T.I.

Benny: You right, my nizzle...

(Everyone sits back and listens to T.I.'s 'smooth azz rap moves'. And at last, Romy and Juliet finally reunited, and spending the rest of their lives doing what they do best....

SKRATE UP CHILLIN'.

Da End. Fo' sho'.