“It’s gonna be okay Alex… you’re gonna be okay, just hold on for me buddy.”

“I’m going to have you step back sir so we can work on him.”

“I wasn’t there for him the first time, and I’m not about to make the same fucking mistake twice in one night.”

“I understand that you are very concerned and worried, but you need to wait out here and let us help your friend. I promise we’ll keep you updated on his condition.”

“He’s gonna… he’s gonna be okay, right?”

“… we’re going to do the best we can sir.”

That was the last words he was left with before they separated him from his friend. “We’re going to do the best we can.” They don’t say “sometimes your best isn’t enough” for nothing. That statement alone left him with all these burdening possibilities, and for some reason, all of them were negative.

“Stop it Nickolas.”

Nick turned to see Howie staring straight forward, his expressions unreadable. “What?”

“You’re looking for someone to blame… and you want to be the one to gladly take it.” Howie finally looked over at him, his dark eyes glazed over.

“I should’ve been out there with him Howie… there was so much things I should’ve done, but I didn’t. Who the fuck else can I blame?”

“Try the low life scum fuck heads that put him here in the first place.” Howie replied in a low, malicious tone.

Nick winced upon hearing his choice of words. “Yeah? Well, I point a blame on someone, I also got three fingers pointing back at me.”

Howie abruptly flew out of his chair and was standing in front of Nick within a matter of seconds, “Fine then, this is all your fucking fault Nick!”

Nick’s eyes widened upon hearing Howie scream at him like that. Luckily they were placed in a private waiting room, which spared the public from seeing this outburst that would definitely make front pages. “What the fuck is your problem man?” Nick fired back, standing up and glaring down at Howie.

“You’re my fucking problem! You’re the reason my best fucking friend is in this hospital, fighting for his god damn life because you weren’t there for him you asshole!” Howie screamed, not caring that spit was flying.

Brian had since rose from his chair, hesitating to intervene, but standing behind Howie, ready to jump in and stop it if it were to get physical. Nick opened his mouth to retaliate, but nothing came out.

Howie continued, “You might as well have landed those punches and kicks yourself because leaving him alone has got to be by far the worse pain you could have placed him in. He’s dying because of you Nick… how does that feel?” He suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shoved the taller man into the wall behind them with ease.

Brian immediately tried to intervene, but Howie refused to release his grasp. With a death glare on Nick, Howie leaned in a whispered, “Is that what you fucking wanted to hear?”

When he pulled back to look at Nick, he had seen that his eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears. “Yes.” Nick replied in a shaky, uneven voice.

“This isn’t about you… get that through your fucking head.” and with that, Howie released his grip on Nick’s collar, turning to walk right out of the room.

The door suddenly opened, revealing a somber Kevin. Before he could even walk into the room, Howie walked out, brushing past him as he went by. “Howie, where are yo-” he tried to ask, but stopped when he realized that Howie wasn’t going to stop to answer his question.

Kevin glanced Nick and Brian over, wondering what the hell had just transpired. Nick looked torn and disheveled while Brian looked to be at a complete loss with everything. He was contemplating on going after Howie, and came to his decision when his cousin gave him a slight nod. Without a word, he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.

After a few moments of silence, Brian turned his attention back to Nick, who was still standing flush against the wall. “What’s going on with you?”

The tears that simply welled up within his eyes now cascaded freely down his cheeks, leaving a burning hot red trail. “I killed him Brian.”

“AJ is not dead, he’s gonna pull through this.”

“Howie was right… he’s dying, because of me.”

“No, he was right when he said that this isn’t about you. Don’t you get it Nick? The only reason he said those things in the first place was to make you realize that you’re living in self-pity right now. This wasn’t your fault Nick… it was an unfortunate event that was bound to happen one way or another.”

“How can you sit here and act as if everything’s okay Brian? As if our fucking brother isn’t on his deathbed right now?”

Brian glanced away, to which Nick thought that was his way of saying he had no answer. Nick brushed past his friend and collapsed down in a chair, burying his face into his hands.

“I live by faith Nick… the only thing that remains standing strong when everything else crumbles down around you. Now I ask you, how can you act as if everything will not be okay? There were many times in my life where I have been angry with God, where I blamed Him for anything bad that ever happened, even questioned Him why… but I have never ever doubted God. Thinking everything is not okay and won’t be, you’re doubting God… you’re doubting that AJ will pull through this. And if that’s the case… then yes, AJ will be dying because of you.”

Nick stared long and hard at his best friend, letting his words register deep within him. Brian sighed, “And I don’t act as if everything is okay… I believe that it will be.”

Silence had befallen them once again, but was soon broken at the sound of the door opening. Both Brian and Nick looked over towards the opening door, Nick’s eyes widening upon seeing the same female doctor that had separated him from AJ.

He quickly pushed himself away from the wall, “How is he?” he immediately asked, hoping she had information on his condition.

The female doctor sighed, “I know I said I’d keep you informed on his condition, but the truth is that I can’t release that information to you. I need to address his immediate family first before anything. I’m sorry.”

Nick’s eyes blazed in anger, “You fucking had us waiting in here to tell us that you can’t tell us shit about our brother? You fucking promise me that you’d let me know his condition.”

“I know and I shouldn’t have. It’s a standard protocol I must abide by, and at that moment my main concern was to get Mr. Alexander James McLean into the operating room and I had basically said anything to get you to allow us to render aid to Mr. McLean. I know I was wrong, but it was either that or administrating sedatives to gain control of the situation.”

“So you fucking lie to all your patients relatives to get your way? What kind of fucking hospital is this?” Nick exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis.

“Nick.” Brian said in a warning tone as he pulled Nick back to calm down. He turned his focus back on the doctor, who looked remorseful. “Please excuse him, as you can imagine this is very hard on all of us. Now Doctor…”

“Barker.”

“Barker… I understand that it’s standard protocol for you to solely address the immediate family, but isn’t there anything you can tell us? Please?”

Dr. Barker sighed heavily, “Do you know where any of his immediate family members are at the moment?”

“Last I heard, his mother and stepfather had caught the soonest flight out here. Frankly, we’ve been here for hours waiting for him and the least we want to know is if he’s… if he’s still here. Could you at least just tell us that much?”

Dr. Barker abruptly turned her head away, avoiding eye contact with the other man. She glanced deep into his blue orbs before she finally whispered an answer.

“Barely.” and with that, she turned and left the room.