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Chapter 102


I hate this.

I need to be able to accept and move on, but I can’t. I need to be able to see and deal with things that are never going to change, and be okay with what I see any time I look at a mirror. See my flaws, all the things wrong with me, and face them head on. I mean, that weakness ain’t going to go anywhere. So I’m supposed to be okay with it, smile, and find the good in me despite that.

Finding the good, it sounds so simple.

You know I’ve always been able to do that for everyone but me?

There’s good in my life now. There’s this spark, this reason I wake up in the morning with a smile instead of being how Brian used to be. I’m thankful as hell that I have it too. But I want to protect that, to keep the good in my life safe from harm. I’m not supposed to be weak at all. I can’t afford to be. If I am, I can lose it. I’ve already come close enough times. Once was because of this thing that’s wrong with me. How I can be a protector if I can’t fix it? How can I keep the one thing that makes my life special safe?

The idea I may not be able to all the time – it’s just a really shitty pill to swallow.

Song quote of the entry…

“I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold on to this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone…”

– I have no idea who sings this. I just heard Brian singing it the other day on this guitar he picked up from a supply run. I liked the sound of it, so I wrote it down.




Monday, March 18, 2013
Week Forty-Eight

“Nick, are you okay?”

A sweet face was staring down at him. It was a face he’d grown used to staring into. A face that housed blue eyes that shone brightly when she was happy or sparked with flames when she was annoyed, a nose that was a bit too big for her face, and a mouth that tended to smirk more than smile – but when she did smile, it was crooked and endearing. She was smiling then in an attempt to comfort him, but he could see the worry, concern, written clearly across her furrowed brow. Strands of blonde hair fell into her face from the ponytail in which she had the rest pulled back. There was a streak of dirt smeared across her cheek.

To him, there was no better sight.

No, I’m not okay. I keep putting you through this.

“Yeah,” he muttered, slowly sitting up once the room stopped spinning. He hated this. One moment he would be talking or doing something, anything, and it seemed like the next moment, he’d be on the floor recovering. It was the first seizure he’d had since their move overseas, but he felt that familiar bitterness all the same.

“You sure? You took a hard fall; I wasn’t able to catch you quick enough, and-”

Nick hated himself for the guilt Riley felt. She shouldn’t have had to feel that way. It was his fault. His weakness. How could she try and take responsibility for something like that? His hand reached up and stroked her cheek; maybe he could seek answers from Selena. Jo had been so unsure before, when she had talked to him about his episodes, and maybe something had changed. Selena knew a lot and was studying more about medicine as time went on. Perhaps it wasn’t as bleak as he imagined. If nothing else, she would know what medication he needed, as he hadn’t had any since they came there.

“Don’t you ever blame yourself.”

Riley helped him up silently, seeming a little taken aback by his tone. For a moment, he was unsteady on his feet. She immediately rushed to keep him up. The action, while gentle, immediately irritated him. He didn’t want to be dependent on Riley taking care of him. He wanted to take care of her. He wanted to protect her. He was the man in the relationship; he needed to be the strong one. The idea of her being that was incredibly frustrating.

“I got it, Rye,” he said, pulling away as he walked over to the wall to look down at the moat below. They had been enjoying some time alone before he had collapsed. Nick was thankful no one else witnessed it. “I don’t need you as a crutch,” he muttered as an afterthought.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Forget it.” Nick turned and started to walk away. The last thing he wanted to do was get into it right then. His temper was flaring, and it wouldn’t lead to anywhere good.

“No, I won’t forget it,” she retorted as she grabbed him by the shoulder and made him face her. “What do you mean, ‘I don’t need you as a crutch’? Huh? I can’t take care of you when you need me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes, Rye, that’s exactly what I’m saying! I don’t need you to baby me or coddle me. I can take care of myself. I’m the one supposed to be caring for you, not the other way around!”

“Nice, let’s live back in the 1950s, when women were supposed to be all meek and docile. You want me to be that, Nick, so you can be the big, strong man?”

“That’s not what I said!”

“The hell it isn’t!”

“Why don’t you actually listen instead of just assuming you know what I mean?”

“Funny, you’re telling me I’m the one assuming. Maybe you should stop acting like an ass and actually explain to me what I did that was so wrong!”

“Like you’d listen.”

“I’m trying, but you won’t tell me.”

“I didn’t know I had to explain everything to you.”

“I’m trying to understand.”

“Just forget it! Jesus, Riley, this isn’t some damn news story. I’m not some assignment you need to get done. So stop pushing!”

Riley stared at him, swallowing hard to keep her emotions in check. But he saw through that; he always did. “Talk to me when you decide to act your age.”

He watched her walk away; each step was another stab to the heart. Nick knew how fiercely independent his girlfriend was. It was her strength that he loved about her. He admired her ability to see the worst and face it head on. She was never able to see the light in things, like he did, so they balanced. The one thing she saw the good in, that he didn’t, was him. How could he explain that although she was strong, all he wanted was to make sure nothing happened to her? That because he felt he was so lucky, he had a duty to safeguard her any way he could? Nick knew she wanted to do the same for him. It was because he felt she already did so much that he hated that she had to. She shouldn’t have to, he knew. He’d seen her at her most vulnerable, knew she wasn’t invincible as she thought she was. But he couldn’t explain that to her.

He couldn’t tell her that because of how his seizures left her unprotected, he didn’t deserve her.

***

Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I can’t help you.”

“What do you mean, you can’t help me?” He wanted to scream, yell, and shake the cynical woman before him. Selena just stared at him, her dark brown eyes unforgiving and unyielding with the truth.

“I mean what I said. What this Jo had told you before was the bloody truth. I know hearing this must have you gutted. But from what you’ve told me and what I’ve looked up since, it’s permanent. I’ll get you the pills you need, Nick, but once they expire, you won’t be able to do anything but cope. Don’t get mad at me; just accept it.”

“So just like that. I can collapse at any time, and there ain’t shit I can do about it.”

“Yes.”

Nick kicked the wall angrily. He wanted to go kill zombies, rage, do something destructive. But right then, there was nothing he could do. “FUCK!” he screamed without caring who heard him. Selena just stared at him.

“Don’t act like a prat. It’s not your fault, and you’re not some Nancy boy because of it.”

The words weren’t even remotely comforting, and he wasn’t upset when he noticed she had left. She reminded him of AJ in a lot of ways. But at least AJ seemed to actually care about other people. He didn’t think he could say the same for Selena. True, she had looked into it for him when he’d approached her hours ago. But her words had been harsh, cold. Nick knew his condition had essentially saved him when the Osiris Virus spread around the world. But that fact wasn’t comforting when he knew it could just as easily get him killed now. That it could get Riley or one of the others killed.

Nick sighed and slumped down to the ground, his back up against the cool, hard stone. Not many came up to the northeast tower unless they were sniping. Maybe there was a decent chance of him being left alone for a bit. He thought of Spunky for the first time in months and wished she was still around. He could use the loyal companionship she brought right then. He didn’t know where he could find another dog, but the thought of getting another was a nice one.

“You okay, Nick?”

It was a question that had been asked that morning by someone different. It was a question he was rather sick of. He stared up at Howie, who wasn’t one for trying to take care of others, but he could see the concern there. He patted the ground next to him. Nick figured he must be looking really bad if Howie, of all people, had decided to comfort him. Howie sat down, while Nick stared up at the stars just beginning to appear, as dusk descended upon them.

“I heard you yelling before.”

Nick resolutely kept his line of vision aimed upwards. “Did you hear…”

“What Selena told you? Yes. I was looking for her for AJ, but when I heard you two, I hung back. Then I decided you might need someone to talk to.”

“Why would I need to talk, Howie? It won’t change anything.”

Howie reached over and patted his shoulder, getting Nick’s eyes to meet his. “Because I understand.”

“You do.”

“I do.”

“Tell me how then.”

“You really don’t see how I do? My hemophilia always limited me because I was scared to live. I didn’t want to die, and I always knew how easy it was. I kept people out you know. I let my brains intimidate people, built myself up to compensate for how my body failed me. When April fifteenth hit, I was scared. I knew I couldn’t do that anymore. I know that any day, something could happen, and I’d die easily. I almost did, remember?”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what, Nick? Those seizures of yours can get you killed someday. You know that. I know that. If it’s at the wrong time, one of those things can eat you while you’re convulsing away. You hate yourself for it.”

“Because if that happens, I can’t…” He shook his head.

“Can’t keep Riley safe. Is that what you were going to say?”

“Maybe.”

“You can. You do everything you can to. And you have to let her do the same for you. If you do, then you can keep her safe because she’ll be there if something happens. Then you won’t die, and you can keep protecting her.” Howie chuckled, almost sounding bitter. “I’m jealous, Nick. You should’ve seen me and my wife before we divorced. It was a marriage of convenience, something to build me up more. The only good thing that came out of it was Barty…” He trailed off there wistfully and then shook his head before continuing. “But I understand, more than you think I do, about having a body that betrays you. You just can’t let that make you push people away. It took me a long time to learn that.”

“I just… I hate this.”

“I know, but you can’t change it. The best you can do is learn to do the best with what you’re given. You’ve been given a lot, you know.” Howie stood once again, brushed off his clothes, and gave Nick a wink. “Think about it.”

He sat there for awhile, staring up at the stars and ignoring the moans he could hear being carried to him by the wind that blew by and tousled his hair. Nick wished the world could look as peaceful as the night sky. Maybe then this wouldn’t bother him as much. He sighed. Howie was probably right. No, he was right. Nick just didn’t want to admit it to anyone.

Wrapped in his thoughts, he didn’t hear footsteps approaching him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he glanced down to see Riley on the floor next to him. She didn’t say anything. She just gazed at him expectantly, waiting for him. Unconsciously, he laid his head on her shoulder. She let him; her hand reached up and began to stroke his hair softly.

“I’m sorry about before,” he finally said after a few minutes.

“Why were you acting that way?”

“I just hate when I get like that. It means I can’t… do the things I need to do for you.”

“Like what?”

“…Keep you safe. Remember when I had my seizure on the road back to Florida? You could’ve been killed. From what you said, both of us almost were. And it was my fault. If something ever happened to you…” He stared up at her, dead on, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. “I’d never forgive myself, Rye. And it could, because of my fucked-up head.”

She hugged him tightly. “God you’re such an ass,” Riley told him between laughs. “You don’t get to just protect me. I’m not some damsel that needs rescuing. We keep each other safe, as a team. I hate that you have seizures, but my job is to help you through them. I wouldn’t change you for anything. If you didn’t have them, that old head injury that caused this… you wouldn’t even be here, Nick. So if that’s the price, I’m okay with it.”

“I’m sorry I’m this way and-”

“Shut up. Just shut up.” She kissed him gently, the taste of her lips sweet upon his own.

The two stayed like that, wrapped within each other’s embrace and enjoying the comfort only the other could bring. Nick sighed happily. Howie was right.

Nick knew he had been given a lot, and he was thankful.

***