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Chapter 55


I’m not supposed to be a failure anymore.

And that’s the thing, I wasn’t. I got the hang of handling a gun pretty quick. Kevin typically asked me in those first couple weeks to help clear out the place. It became a pattern, me, Rye Bread, AJ, Brian… we were the ones typically asked to guard or do sniper duty. The others got asked too, but one of us always came along. I was starting to get used to that, that feeling of success. It’s good, ya know? Even in a zombie-infested world, where the main goal is killing… (Or is it re-killing? Guess it’s re-killing)… and staying alive.

After a life of failure, it felt good. That’s all I’m saying.

And then of course, something effs that up.

It’s typical and makes it hard to be the optimistic, cheery Nick I want to be. I like him; I was happy being him since the dead rose. Everyone else liked him too, my new family. They looked to him when they needed a break from our hell of a reality. That Nick doesn’t fail. That Nick isn’t a problem the way I am now. They won’t say it (well, actually, Howie does), but I know. It’s in the way they act. They way they talk when they think I can’t hear. The way Kevin never asks me to help clear out the base anymore.

It’s like I’m suddenly back to the old Nick, the angry, bitter, failure Nick.

I don’t want to be him anymore.

Cheery Nick has everything. He’s got hope, he has dreams again. He has faith that somehow we’ll still be okay. He has a surrogate family who relies on him, who depends on him.

Cheery Nick… has Riley.

While I… I have nothing.

Oh, almost forgot the song quote of the entry, here it is:

“I'm not in love cause I'm a mess…

Like refugees
We're lost like refugees
Like refugees
We're lost like refugees
The brutality of reality
Is the freedom that keeps me from

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
Of another place and time
Where my family's from

Singing, I can hear them singing
When the rain had washed away all these scattered dreams”

- Green Day, “Before the Lobotomy”



Monday, May 7, 2012
Week Three

Nick was pacing, back and forth, in the Sunday school room. He was getting really sick of seeing nothing but the rooms of the church, rather quickly, within the last week.

After the seizure he’d had, he felt like everyone was treating him differently, acting differently, and making him feel like he was nothing more than a piece of china that had to be protected. They were beginning to get sick of each other, honestly. There was too much time together, in one room, with no space of their own. Except Nick – they felt he needed more rest than anybody. AJ, who’d been wanting an escape, had volunteered to share the room with him, just in case any undead surprised them again. So not only was he not being asked to help hunt zombies anymore, he was being watched by the best shooter in the group, after Kevin.

His frustration had been bubbling just under the surface the past few days, and he was constantly fighting to keep himself in check. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. He was getting bored again. Even Riley, he felt, was beginning to avoid him. While she had always liked wiping out zombies, she’d never volunteered, the way AJ always did. The past week, she’d tried to go out on a run every chance she had. This was what she was doing at the moment. She was on sniper duty on the roof, to give AJ a break, so he could get some sleep for the night shift of guard duty.

Finally, Nick headed down the hall, debating going into the kitchen or the multipurpose room. Not that it mattered. It wouldn’t make him feel better either way, no matter which room he chose.

“Hey, Nick, whatcha up to?” It was Gabby who asked this, Spunky in tow behind her. Next to Nick, he figured Gabby was his faithful dog’s favorite person. It made him smile, because when he’d hear her cry out from nightmares during the night, he was sure she needed that. Spunky seemed to make her laugh and smile and actually be her age for a few moments. Most of the time, these days, she struck him as such an old soul, trapped in a preteen’s body. He guessed it had to be everything she’d seen. That had aged them all.

“Nothing. That’s the problem.”

“I totally understand. I’m getting bored, too.”

Nick nodded absentmindedly, as he started walking down the hall again. Normally, he’d be singing or cracking jokes or doing something to break the boredom between going out on runs. He’d come up with some random game or idea to get them all talking and passing the time. That would be the Nick before the seizure, the one who wasn’t fragile china.

He shook his head at himself. What was he doing?

The door burst open, and in came Riley, chatting with Brian as she did. Shotguns were slung over their shoulders as they walked. “I can see why AJ likes it up there. You get some time to think to yourself as you take ‘em out. Too bad we can’t have Nick doing it with me, ‘cause…” She trailed off, as he came into her vision.

Nick was almost seething, hearing confirmation of his own worries from the one person he never wanted to hear it from. “’Cause of what, y’all are afraid I’ll just collapse and start going crazy? ‘Cause that’s me, crazy Nick, nothing but a liability, good for nothing. Too bad he’s useless now, right?”

Two sets of emotions collided when he caught her instant reaction, the surprised sting before it was covered up by the angry expression on her face. One was of immature satisfaction, stemming from the frustration that still burned there, and the other was regret at attacking her. Both were battling to be stronger at the moment. Out of the corner of his eye, as he stared at the ground, he caught sight of her hands. They were twisting again nervously as she bit her lip, considering her response before speaking.

“Nick, that’s not what I was going to say.” The voice was calm, collected, or at least attempting to be.

“Hey, this isn’t like you…” Brian started.

“Yeah, let’s not upset Nick. He may have another seizure from it and be a danger to us all. Right? Isn’t that right?”

Riley stepped forward, placing her hand on his gently. “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? Be honest? It’s good someone here tries it.”

“Now you’re just acting stupid, Nick.”

He pulled it away; they were attracting attention, he knew. Good. Too bad Kevin and Howie were out on a zombie sweep. Howie, of all people. That’s how he knew he’d sunk to a new low. Kevin was picking Howie instead of him now. “Yeah, that’s me, stupid, crazy Nick. Come on, I see how y’all are treating me now. I’m being coddled. And you…” Their eyes met; the hurt written in hers hit him hard. “You’re just as bad. You’re trying to avoid me now, after what happened.”

“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m doing more sweeps and sniping because-”

“I don’t feel like hearing it, alright? I already know. You don’t gotta say how useless I am. I just wanted you guys to know that I know what you’re doing. I can’t stop you, but don’t expect me to be grateful that you’re babying the hell out of me.”

Nick stalked off, furious with himself for that stupid outburst he immediately regretted, irritated at the entire situation. He’d said what he felt, but at the same time, wished he hadn’t. The last thing he needed was more reason for everyone to act so cautious around him. Nick sighed; he didn’t feel like dealing with it anymore. He retreated to one of the empty offices. On the way, he brushed past Kayleigh, who was yet again sulking on the floor.

“Hey!” she cried, as he almost stepped on her, not giving her another look. He kept on his path. A simple glimpse back told him Jo and Gabby were still watching him in shock at his behavior.

“Nick! Stop!” He heard Riley’s footsteps hurrying after him. He slammed the door behind him, ignoring her.

The office was simple, a desk, some books on the shelf, and, for now, a convenient hideaway. Locking the door, he slid down it, feeling the cool wood upon his back. Kicking the nearby chair as hard as he could, he growled with annoyance.

Once again, he was good for nothing but messing things up.

***

After about two hours of exploring the contents of the office and flipping through various books on the shelves, Nick was done isolating himself inside there. No matter how irritated he was. He stepped out, looking down the hall both ways before continuing. He wasn’t up for being asked how he was. That question got a bit old after being asked five times a day, no matter how many times he said he felt fine. He was lost in thought –or mental rants, to be more specific – and not paying attention to what was around him.

“Still stewing huh?” He jumped at AJ’s voice. There the other man stood, leaning against the wall casually as he took a drag off a cigarette. Nick smirked; that would infuriate the others, seeing him smoke inside like that.

“You gonna treat me all special, too, now? And I thought you were sleeping for sniper duty tonight?”

“Couldn’t sleep after your hullabaloo in the hall. And hell no, I ain’t gonna baby you. Everyone’s overreacting. I keep telling Kevin that.”

Nick blinked, staring at AJ. “Wait, what?”

“I told you. Everyone’s overreacting when it comes to you. You’re fine now. We ain’t gonna know when or if you’ll have another seizure; no use going all protective about it. Hell, we can’t afford it.” He smirked then. “Having Howie go instead of you ain’t smart. He panics too much. I’d rather have you with me with the off-chance of you collapsing, than him with me freaking out and running away every time. It is what it is.”

“Thanks, man.”

AJ took a long drag before dropping the butt of his cigarette on the ground, snuffing it out idly with the toe of his shoe. He stretched a bit, the sound of his bones popping as he did. “For what? The truth? Nothing to be thanked for; it just means you can handle yourself. Something he and Kayleigh both need to learn. He made me laugh when he said you’d be a liability. That was ballsy, he of all people trying to say that. He had no room to talk. Not to mention, he’s the type that used to make me sick before. He feels he’s better than everyone here. Your seizure just gave him another reason to gloat. You should’ve seen him with me the last time, fucking hell. Don’t let it get to you.”

“Yeah, well, it ain’t easy when Kevin won’t let me do anything, Jo keeps checking on me, and R-” He stopped then, not knowing what to say. Nick knew why he was so angry, but he wasn’t sure how to say it point blank.

“Your girl keeps volunteering for extra shifts.”

Nick raised a brow. “My girl?”

“Nick, the only ones who haven’t noticed the way you two act around each other are blind. That'd be Kayleigh and Howie, who want to live in the past and avoid reality. You dig her, and she probably digs you. You know why she’s been volunteering this past week, right?”

He rolled his eyes. “Cause she’s too freaked out to be around me. And there’s nothing going on between us man. Nothing.”

“For now, but whatever you say. And it’s 'cause she doesn’t want anyone complaining about picking up your slack 'cause Kevin won’t let you help. So she’s covering you.”

“Oh, well… wait, how do you know that?”

“I asked her, and, holy hell, she answered. Amazing what communication can do.”

“Right… how the-”

“It’s aight, I notice shit no one else does. I’m gonna try and sleep again. No screaming fits till nighttime, aight?”

“Agreed.”

AJ patted him on the shoulder, as he headed back to the room they shared. Nick sighed, thinking what AJ said over. AJ did have a knack for seeing and getting right to the truth of things. Maybe he had overreacted. His current feeling of house arrest had been keeping him on edge. So maybe he had taken it out on the first person he'd come across. Yeah, he was definitely channeling his old self. How long would it take him to shove that side back into the past where it belonged, with his family, his mother, and all the baggage that followed?

Rolling his eyes at himself, he walked along the halls, hoping to come upon Riley or even Brian, since he owed him an apology, as well. He hated apologizing; he was never any good at it. Normally he’d crack a joke and skim past it as much as he could.

Somehow, he knew the others weren’t going to let him pull that.

“Hey, Gretchen, I need a favor,” he heard as he walked up the hall, causing him to pause just before passing the kitchen. Nick knew who the voice belonged to. He peered in, taking into view both Riley and Gretchen alone in the room.

“What’s up?”

“I was talking to Kevin earlier today, about the idea of taking one of the offices. He was okay about it, understood about some of us feeling too cramped, but he wants at least two per room, just for precautions. I mean, this is going to sound mean, but…”

Gretchen chuckled, turning from the mini fridge, as she placed a jug of fruit punch back into the fridge. “Kayleigh's driving you crazy, huh?”

“… A bit. And I’m working on not fighting and being snarky. But damn, she makes it difficult. I swear that girl… Anyways, I was going to ask AJ if maybe he’d swap out with me…”

“Oh? Room with Nick? How come?”

Riley shifted, looking past Gretchen rather than right at her. She twirled the straw in the cup she was holding, her hands suddenly needed something to do. “Well, I feel… comfortable with him. I mean, we did have to stay together till we made it here, talking and getting to know each other you know? And we’ve become really…” A pause. “…really good friends.”

“That makes sense. I feel most comfortable with Brian, as he was the one I traveled with. I suppose it’s the same.”

“Yeah, but I changed my mind. Awkward and all. And I don’t think Nick’d want me rooming with him anyway right now.”

“Because of-”

“Yeah, that’s why.” She half-grinned at Gretchen and set her cup down. “Anyways, after that, you came to mind next. You wanna be my roomie?”

Rather than walk in and interrupt the conversation, Nick started walking again, peeking in the room one last time as he did. That was his own fault, he knew. And so he used it as the excuse he needed to find Brian and apologize first, instead.

He headed into the multipurpose room, where Kevin was talking with the others about what to do next. Nick sighed - whatever it was, it likely wouldn’t include him. Kayleigh was sitting in one of the corners, as always. Howie was standing with Brian and Kevin, his chest puffed out pompously as they conversed.

He felt himself rolling his eyes, but smiling when Spunky ran over to him, licking his hand energetically, sensing he needed it. He knelt down, patting her had, hugging the dog close. She always did know when Nick needed the closest a dog could give to a hug.

“So given recent events…” Kevin announced, while Riley and Gretchen walked into the room. “We should try and get medical supplies. I’m amazed we didn’t think of it before…”

“Kevin, of all people, I should’ve been on top of it first. It’s alright; we haven’t needed it until now,” Jo interjected, sending the military men a warm smile.

“Why don’t I go?” Nick heard himself saying. “I’m part of the reason; Jo said there is the off-chance of finding medicine for my…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He had no idea if it was going to be a condition he’d forever have to deal with, and he refused to admit it was a problem. “But I should help, earn my meds.” Nick forced a smile, knowing the answer before Kevin even spoke.

“That’s a good idea, Kev. Nick’ll be fine,” AJ agreed, as he stepped in, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “The fact that we’re keeping him in here isn’t the best anyway.”

Brian turned towards AJ. “But what if he’s not? I know he could be, but I was there when it happened. I don’t want a death on our hands because Nick wanted to help too much.”

Riley raised a brow. “But there could be death with or without a condition. It’s not like a long life is guaranteed now. He’s been fine this past week. He’s good. We shouldn’t be sending people who can’t…” She shot a quick glance at Howie before she stopped and shook her head. “I mean, we shouldn’t stop him from doing sweeps with us over that. He’s one of our better shooters.”

“This is exactly what I was telling you, Kevin,” the former addict reminded him.

Nick suddenly felt like the world’s biggest asshole when it hit him he had probably yelled at Riley for defending him. Too bad he'd cut her off before he could find out either way. His mind was about to run through possible ways to apologize like no tomorrow, but Kevin’s voice interjected amongst the debate. He looked torn between both sides, and for once within the past week, Nick felt hopeful.

“I have to think about all eventualities, AJ, Riley, Nick. I agree with Brian, Jo, and Howie on this one. We can’t risk several lives by letting you help, Nick. That’s all it is. That’s my final say on it for now.”

Nick rolled his eyes, watching everyone go silent. The leader had spoken. “Fuck it. Treat me like a kid then.” Nick walked out, back to the only place he could escape to, his and AJ’s room. Once again, he was nothing more than a problem.

The church had never felt so suffocating.

***