Chapter 61
This was one of the hardest days of my life (up until that point) - not the hardest, but one of. I fell apart. I just fucking just shattered. Last damn straw for me, and I broke, because it was my fault. And she was there for me, once again. When everything fell apart around me, there she was, helping me try to keep myself together. I don’t know why. I don’t get why. When I manage to look in a mirror, I still see that loser who never made it. The guy who failed at everything he tried. Family. Acting. School. Relationships. I look, and I just see the failure.
What does she see?
It all goes back to loyalty, ya know? It can save you. It can kill you.
Of course I was finally allowed to really go on a zombie run. Not just the guard duty or sniping where Kevin allowed it (because Riley was hella stubborn with him about me being able to handle it, saying she’d keep an eye on me). This time, I mean a good ol’ zombie hunt. Like the ones I always went on before my head fucked up. It was my first time since the stupid seizure that I’m on these damn meds for. So what happened?
Once again, I failed. And this time, it really cost me.
Yet, there she was, by my side.
I don’t think that was the day I fell in love with her.
I think that was just the day I realized I had.
Song quote of the entry… which, I will say, wasn’t a classic song or a song I’d have listened to in the world pre-zombies. It’s country. Brian played it for me the other day, and it made me think of that day. So, I’m quoting it because it fits.
“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk
and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.”
- Lady Antebellum, “Need You Now”
Monday, June 11, 2012
Week Eight
“We’re walking ducks…” AJ retorted, as he walked down the abandoned road, Kevin and Nick traipsing beside him with Spunky.
“I thought it was sitting ducks?”
“Well, we ain’t sitting, are we?”
“I’m telling you guys, I saw something in those houses. I’m sure of it.”
Kevin nodded. “Keep an eye out. It won’t be long before they catch our scent.”
“You really think we’re not the only ones left, Nick?”
“AJ, I know you think we’re it. But I don’t believe that. How can we be the only ones lucky enough to survive? We’ll find them.”
“We shouldn’t lose hope; maybe they were just trying to stay safe. We need to check, to make sure. The more people we have, the better chance we have at surviving.”
Nick nodded, as he followed the two best shooters of their group. The base had finally been cleared of zombies, after two months of tirelessly hunting them down. The methods had gotten creative, including the idea of leading the zombies out with the ambulance blaring Thriller, much to Nick’s own delight. Now the former sniping job had changed to keeping the entrance properly guarded, so that none could get back inside the base. It seemed, for now, the group finally had a clear zone of their own. Precautions were still taken, yet everyone seemed to breathe just a bit easier than before.
Because of this, they were finally able to execute what Kevin had been planning for some time. The large group, which had long since begun to feel like family, started to split up, so that they could move into some of the homes on the base. Nick, Riley, Gretchen and Brian chose a house that was sandwiched between one occupied by Howie, AJ, and Kayleigh, and another one where Jo, Kevin and Gabby lived. Riley and Gretchen had become quite close and insisted the four of them share a place. Kevin had developed a fatherly bond with Gabby and felt she and her mother needed him for extra protection. And oddly, Howie and AJ now had a camaraderie that no one had expected, and Kayleigh trusted them more than anyone else.
Still, the one thought weighing upon them all was the lack of additional survivors. As much as he wanted to truly believe what he’d told AJ and Kevin, Nick wondered if there were any, at least in Tampa, maybe even Florida. No one had seen any signs of life anywhere on their trip to the base, and wouldn’t that have been when they’d see the most? People trying to escape or find help? Or the various trips AJ or Kevin had taken, sweeping the area further and further away from the place they now called home… None had been successful, even with Kevin risking their own safety by calling for survivors through his bullhorn.
All of it left Nick to question what he wanted to so desperately to believe.
Still, he found himself feeling the need to be hopeful. To be that dreamer who always tried the see the best in things. He could be wrong, and he knew it would be far from the first time. So he would do his damndest to keep his doubts to himself, to convince the others that they weren’t alone, and that they’d find more people someday soon. AJ was the realist of the group; Nick, on the other hand, fought to be the optimist.
Spunky growled more and more frequently, as they got further from the Hummer and closer to the elementary school in which Nick thought he’d seen signs of life. It was a familiar sight, West Shore Elementary, the school he and his sister BJ had gone to for a short time. The building was two stories, red brick and surrounded by trees. Across the street was a row of little houses from the neighborhood Nick once lived in. His family had moved across town around the time Aaron and Angel were born. Nick had just turned eight, and BJ was only six and in kindergarten. That had been before the fights, the tension, and the divorce. The homes were modest, older, and gave Nick another stabbing pain that he forced himself to ignore.
It doesn’t matter. All memories, in the past. Dead with them.
AJ and Kevin moved around the parking lot, peering into the few cars found there. Nick, however, inched closer to the school building. A flash of movement caught his eye, and he opened the front door.
“Be careful, Nick!” Kevin scolded, hearing the groan the door gave.
“Don’t go in by yourself, man.”
“It’s alright. This time I know I saw something, someone…” Suddenly, Spunky barked loudly, running ahead between Nick’s legs.
“Spunky!” Nick yelled, chasing after her. His feet pounded against the pavement, in sync with his heart, as he ignored the yells from both AJ and Kevin behind him. He ran down the darkened hallways of his first school, light peering through the windows and casting an eerie glow throughout the building. Unable to see the retriever, he followed the sound of her growls.
“Nick!” AJ called. Nick could hear his heavy panting as he ran after him, his footsteps reverberating through the dark, empty halls. Kevin stayed in the doorway, presumably keeping watch, so no unexpected company would get in.
Nick recklessly pursued Spunky, with no thoughts about the noise he made. The golden retriever he loved so much bounded ahead, in pursuit of something beyond Nick’s senses. Finally, he was forced to pause, to catch his breath, as his lungs burned for air. He panted heavily, bent over and still out of shape from the partying life he’d led before the world was taken over by the undead. He could still hear AJ, trying to catch up.
That was when he heard the sound that sent chills dancing along his spine: the moans the undead produced when they discovered a member of the living. His body protested, as did AJ when he finally rounded the corner, only to see Nick sprint ahead once more. His face was damp and sweaty from the heat and humidity multiplied inside the musty building, turning red as he exerted himself beyond his own expectations. The moans grew louder, as Nick went further into the school, bursting through the double doors and into the cafeteria.
There, amidst the tables, was a horde of animated corpses. The stench slammed into Nick immediately, now that he was so close to so many. He felt the bile begin to rise in the back of his mouth and swallowed it back down with a gulp. Spunky was only feet ahead of him, barking and growling at the incoming creatures. The groans rattled in their rotting throats when the scent of Nick hit them.
He readied his gun, firing shots at those approaching him. This had been what he’d seen. Simply more zombies within a building. Nothing of the living. He’d screwed up again. Down, the zombies fell, one after another, but there were simply too many for him to tackle on his own. Spunky seemed to sense this, as she lunged at them, trying to trip them up in an attempt to protect her master.
“Spunky, NO!” Nick screamed, about to run in himself. He was grabbed by the collar by AJ.
“Come on!”
He winced at the sound of his faithful dog’s yips, as the zombies overtook her. They began to feast upon her, biting eagerly into her flesh. They resembled an ant hill, feasting on a piece of fruit in the summer sun. The smell of blood hit the air. Spunky’s whines shredded Nick’s heart to pieces. He couldn’t even see her anymore, within the horde, as she was being devoured alive.
AJ tugged at him again, as he tried to save her once more. His arms wrapped around Nick’s chest, keeping him from going irrationally into the nightmare playing out in front of them.
“NO! I have to save her!”
“Come on! You can’t do anything for her. They’re gonna be back on us any minute, and there’s too many of these fuckers to take on!”
“AJ, let me fucking go!”
“No! Not without breaking my goddamn arms, I ain’t!”
The sounds of his companion were suddenly silenced mid-bark, and AJ forcibly dragged him away.
The image haunted his mind. His last friend of the world before, eaten before his very eyes. All because of him. She had wanted to protect him. He was the one who had wanted to go in there. Once again, he had failed.
But this time, it had cost him more than ever.
***
The night was peaceful.
They were in their new homes that night, and no roaming undead could be spotted from the back porch, where Nick sat on the porch swing, the rifle laying across his lap. Even though he knew the zombies couldn’t clear the high fences that surrounded the perimeter, he felt the need to be cautious.
Without the fluorescent lights of the world impeding, the stars in the sky could be seen clearer than Nick had ever seen them before in his life. He swung back and forth, ever so gently, simply staring up at the stars. He hadn’t cried at all that day. Not when he’d seen his loving dog being eaten alive. Not after. He hadn’t even cried when he had learned about the death of his family the day the dead rose, or when his toddler undead brother had attacked him. Instead, he had simply buried his feelings away, with all the other pain he wished not to show. He did now as he’d done before. Whenever someone asked if he was okay, he simply nodded in response, cracking a joke to ease the tension.
It didn’t ease the pain. Nothing did. But it hid it well enough, so it sufficed.
“Nick?” His head turned to see Riley waiting in the doorway. She was finally in something other than the army garb they’d all been wearing when they stayed in the church… SpongeBob boxers and a t-shirt, actually, with her hair pulled back in a loose bun, a few tendrils falling into her face. It made Nick wonder if she had raided one of the former occupants’ closets. They had split up the rooms earlier. Nick, not caring, took the downstairs room, Brian the bedroom upstairs, and Gretchen and Riley had decided to share the master bedroom.
“Hey,” he finally said after a long pause. Nick didn’t want to be alone, not then, but he didn’t want to be bothered either. He was just in a place of numbness and pain, flitting back and forth between the two like an indecisive kid at a candy store.
“Mind if I…” She gestured at the swing bench.
“It’s cool.”
Riley settled next to him, giving a gentle smile as she looked up at the sky. “Wow, the sky’s so clear. Guess that’s what happens when humanity dies. The lights go out, and you can see the stars again.”
Nick just nodded, his hands fingering his gun.
“You okay?” She scoffed at herself. “Dumb question. Sorry. Look, I’ll just… leave you alone.” She seemed jumpy, unlike her normal behavior, making Nick place his hand on hers.
“No, stay. Really. I’m not okay, but it ain’t a dumb question.”
“You hide it well, you know. You could let it out. It wouldn’t kill you. It’d probably help.”
Nick sighed, letting his head rest naturally upon her shoulder. There were no thoughts; it was simply instinctive. “It was my fault. I led her in there. I couldn’t kill them all off, so she went to protect me. It’s my fault.”
The two swung together, a cool breeze blew around them, ruffling their hair. “It’s not your fault. You went in ‘cause you thought there were people; that’s what Kevin said. That’s you caring about people. Spunky loved you, enough to sacrifice herself to keep you safe. It’s sad, and it’s tragic. But it’s not your fault, Nick.”
“I bring bad luck to everything I fucking touch, and I always come out okay. How is that right?”
“Are you gonna try and blame yourself for the zombie nightmare? That it’s your fault your family died? That’s bull, and you know it. You were unconscious in a freaking hospital. If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be dead right now. Or… ya know, undead. Blame yourself for shit that’s actually because of you… but don’t take on all the bullshit as yours to blame.”
He remained silent, his eyes glistened in the moonlight. The two continued to swing, neither of them saying anything, exchanging simple glances and nothing more for some time. The crickets had returned; they could hear them chirping into the night, over a chorus of distant moans from zombies he knew to be outside the base. Finally, Nick broke the silence.
“Thanks, Riley.”
“It’s what I’m here for.”
What he did next had no rhyme or reason to it. All it took was a simple look into her eyes. He saw her there, smiling softly at him. He leaned in, his lips meeting hers beneath the moonlight. The kiss continued for a few moments, before the two pulled away. Riley stared at him.
“Sorry, I-”
“No, you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.” She pulled him closer to her, and they kissed once more. It was bittersweet bliss. He wasn’t sure he was supposed to feel happy then, but couldn’t help it, as the feeling rose within.
“I should’ve done that earlier, but I was afraid you’d slap me for it.”
The two laughed contentedly. He was surprised at how good that felt, how it soothed the pain of loss still beating inside his heart. He lay back, forcing Riley to do the same beside him. She settled within Nick’s arms afterwards, smiling up at him. They found comfort within the shared embrace, falling asleep easily, and feeling the safest either had felt in a long time.
