If I had to pick one word that defined my entire life, I actually could. I bet people would think that’s weird, to be able to sum up your whole life with one word. I don’t think anyone else in the group could, to be honest. But me? Yes, I can do it. Maybe that just says something about me. Probably not in a good way. But anyways, if someone asked me to, I’d be able to within a heartbeat. You know what it would be?
It would be “Why?”
I’ve asked this so many times in my life. Far too many, actually.
Here’s a few that came up pretty often:
Why did my mom have to die? Why can’t I find someone when my brothers can? Why don’t people understand me? Why did this happen? Why is this story important? Why are the people supposed to care? Why can’t I let people in? Why do people not realize how important my career is to me?
Or, here are a few more recent ones:
Why did the world have to end this way? Why did so many have to die? Why did they have to reanimate as zombies? Why did someone have to do this? Why can’t we find anyone? Why does Nick care the way he does about me? Why couldn’t I have let people in before this happened? Why didn’t I appreciate what I had?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I hate not having the answers. I hate knowing that I may never get any. That just goes against my every fiber. I just, I like to know things. I like to have a plan, a goal. It’s not knowing that’s scary. Combine that with the undead, and it turns into fear central. With a lot of questions when I try to sleep at night, it’s why I don’t sleep well anymore.
Here’s the big question, one I know we’ve all been asking since Infernal Friday set us all on this highway to hell. (Good thing Nick doesn’t read this; he’d start singing after seeing that last sentence.) But it’s a question that’s been plaguing me, the person who always has to have a plan, have an answer, since the beginning.
Why did we survive?
Why?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Week Eleven
The morning didn’t start well. The night had been one of restless sleep. Riley turned over in her bed, seeing Gretchen sleep no more soundly than she had on the other side of the room. The room wasn’t too different from how they’d found it originally. All they had done was remove the pictures of the now undead residents and have Brian and Nick remove the king-sized bed so that they could replace it with two full-sized ones and shift the furniture accordingly, so that everything would fit nicely in the large and airy room.
Riley sighed, staring up at the ceiling. The past couple nights, she hadn’t slept in there, anyway. Instead, she’d been sleeping with Nick in the most literal sense: fully clothed in pajamas and his arms around her. It made her feel safe and soothed her, despite the distant moans that they could still hear faintly from outside the base. On a night when she feared for the life of a man she now considered family, she’d needed it desperately.
But of course, that night, it didn’t happen. They’d argued instead about AJ, whose fate awaited them that very morning. Out of fear and frustration with each other, they’d left the ambulance, going back and forth all the way to the house. It had ended in doors slamming, rather than apologies.
In all actuality, she really hoped Nick was right. She prayed that AJ had somehow survived the night alive and well, rather than dead and reanimated. Still, Riley didn’t regret what she had said. She hadn’t wanted to say it, but her analytical mind had immediately shot to that conclusion the same way Kevin’s had. She rolled over in her bed again, closing her eyes and willing the sleep to come. If AJ turned, he could then contaminate them all, leaving them to the same fate as the rest of their world. And logically, it seemed that was going to happen. Even AJ himself knew it.
She wished she could be as optimistic as Nick. A small smile came. He was always looking to the brighter side of things. It was an ability she lacked. Not that she was pessimistic… She could be optimistic, if the evidence supported it, so to speak. That was partly why she’d been so drawn to him, his innate skill at always seeing the lighter side of everything. He could be the hope she lacked in her own reality. The smile faded. At least he could be when they weren’t arguing.
“Can’t sleep either, huh?” Gretchen asked, as she sat up, stretching.
Riley did the same, finally giving up. “Of course not. How could I?”
Her friend gave her a sympathetic smile as she put on her glasses. “I know. Brian and I could hear you and Nick arguing downstairs from up here. And…” She trailed off, leaving unsaid what was on both their minds. AJ.
“Exactly.” Riley clutched the pillow close to her chest. “I could’ve used the comfort last night, too. Us fighting just made it all worse. I didn’t want to say it, you know that, right?”
“I know. No one wants it…”
“I just didn’t see another choice.” Her eyes shifted downwards to the pale blue, plush carpeting. “I don’t think Nick realizes just how much I want to be wrong for once.”
The faintest beginning of a smirk could be seen on the former teacher’s face. “How often are you wrong?”
“Honestly? This is gonna sound cocky… not often. But I’d like there to be a first time for everything.”
Nick was waiting in the living room when she came down the stairs. He looked like he’d slept about as well as she had. He was dressed simply, in a random shirt and jeans, and had his trusty axe in hand. There were lines from the pillow still on his face, his hair wild and all over the place. His eyes were bloodshot, and she could see the bags under them. Still, she smiled. Even though she was sure he was mad at her still, she smiled. These days, it was hard for her to look at Nick and not smile. There was just that quality about him.
“Look… I’m-”
“Sorry…”
“-sorry…” She blinked. “Why are you?”
He shrugged. “I was just as bad as you were. We were both just worried like hell about AJ.”
“I didn’t-” she started, determined to make sure he knew she didn’t want to say what she had. Only that she’d felt she had to. He simply shook his head, his finger softly meeting her lips and silencing her with that one gesture. Nick pulled her close, and she rested her head against him, simply breathing him in. For a moment, the world faded away, simple as that. There were only the two of them. No zombies. No worries. No apocalyptic world. There were just Riley and Nick, and that feeling of peace that shut everything else out when he held her.
“You guys ready?” Brian asked, as he came down the stairs, with Gretchen in tow. His voice shattered her reverie and brought them both back to reality. He didn’t look any more rested than the rest of them. His face was worn and tired. Riley pulled away from Nick, nodding to herself, as she reached for the gun sitting on the coffee table, tucking it away.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
As they walked outside of their home, they could see the sun just beginning to rise in the distance. There was no noise of birds or any creatures, except for the reanimated ones not that far away from the perimeter of the base. Riley shivered at the thought, despite the humidity already thickening the air. They weren’t alone either. She spotted Kevin, not too far ahead, walking to where the ambulance awaited them. Riley thought maybe she could see the others out by the ambulance, but she wasn’t sure.
Each step felt heavier than the last, as they trekked the short distance. Nick’s hand reached for hers, and she appreciated the small bit of comfort it gave. Having any, in those times, was a rarity and felt like a gift she didn’t deserve. When they got close, they could see some of the others already there. Howie and Kayleigh were sitting on the sidewalk, chatting. Howie’s arm was around Kayleigh’s shoulders stiffly, in an awkward attempt to comfort the girl. Gabby was leaning against the vehicle, which was oddly silent. Jo simply kept her eyes on her daughter, with the look any bear would have for her cubs.
They all watched as Kevin prepared to open the doors. Nick stepped forward with his axe in hand. Kevin nodded at Brian and Riley, who both loaded their guns accordingly. “When I open the doors, Nick, you hop in. If he’s… then give a direct blow to the head. No hesitating. If he gets past you, Riley, Brian, we’ll try to take him down.”
Kevin unlocked the back doors and threw them open. Everyone peered in, and there was no sound. No movement. The air felt stale inside, as Riley leaned in a bit. She wasn’t sure whether to gauge that as a good sign or a bad one, at that point. Nine pairs of eyes met. It appeared she wasn’t the only one to think that way.
Gabby was the first to vocalize the thought everyone shared. “So… is AJ alive or undead?”
Nick climbed in, and it felt like her heart leaped as he did. Riley found herself feeling the urge to pray, truly pray, for the first time since she’d been a child. As soon as that thought appeared, she could hear Jo murmuring one beside her, a rosary barely visible within her clasped hands.
“AJ…”
Riley climbed up onto the vehicle, to get a better look. While one hand held her position, standing on the bumper, the other had the gun locked and ready to go. She saw Nick creep in further, softly calling his name.
“AJ…”
Nick leaned in, staring at the motionless form Riley’s eyes could make out in the faint light of breaking dawn. Nothing could be heard, beyond some heavy breathing coming from an understandably nervous Kayleigh. He leaned in more. She could see the grip on his axe tighten, as he went to examine AJ. They all waited with bated breath for a sign. The wait felt like it took hours, rather than mere minutes. Riley saw Jo pull Gabby close out of the corner of her eye, before she refocused back on Nick.
“AJ?”
Nick’s arm raised the axe, ready to slam it down if needed. When Nick’s face was only inches away from AJ’s, the latter moaned loudly. Nick jerked with shock, and Riley did as well, almost falling off the back of the ambulance. “Shit!” he cried, as he jumped back.
Riley climbed in, unable to take it any longer. She thought Kevin said something, but couldn’t be sure, as she blocked him out. She ran forward to where Nick was. She was ready to shoot AJ, knowing from the moan that he had indeed gone over to the realm of the undead.
His eyes shot open. “Brraaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnssss!” he yelled, causing the two to jump once more. Riley’s own heart felt ready to explode from the surprise alone. A smirk appeared on AJ’s face, as he looked at Nick. “Aww, come on, I requested brains!”
Nick shook his head, tucking his weapon away. “Fucking hell, dude!”
Their companion just guffawed, as tears poured down his face from laughter. “I couldn’t help it! You… you should’ve seen your face!”
Riley smacked him upside the head, before moving to release his bonds. “You’re an ass,” she said sharply, but the hints of a smirk were there as well. “I almost shot you, and Nick almost decapitated you.”
AJ rubbed his wrists as Nick helped him off the gurney. “That would’ve sucked.”
They climbed off the back of the vehicle. Kayleigh was the first to hug AJ once he climbed down. Nick laughed, and Riley guessed it was for the same reason she smirked: Kayleigh looked so thrilled, and AJ looked so stiff, so awkward, and so unsure of how to take it. It served him right, after the stunt he’d pulled.
Jo went to AJ next, to inspect his bite, and Kevin joined them, talking fast, likely trying to piece things together. Riley wasn’t sure because, for once, she was tuning their conversation out, rather than listening for answers. She glanced around, until her eyes rested on Brian. He looked happy about the survival of the strangest, but most reliable member of their group.
Riley sighed. “I was wrong. I’m sorry about… not listening.” She met Brian’s gaze evenly. “You were right; it’s one thing to kill zombies, but to kill someone else before they… you know. It’s cold-blooded.” Her hands twisted anxiously. “I’m… cold-blooded. But I’m trying not to be.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad I was right, is all.”
“Yeah, me too.”
