I’m not strong.
I used to think I was, like I’d convinced myself that the act I had going was true. I think I wrote in an earlier entry about how I always try to talk big, act so tough, when I’m really not. I don’t know why I can’t take letting anyone in. I’ve really gotten better since that fateful day in April. I really have. Still, there’s that part of me that just feels the need to protect myself by keeping up that wall. This idea part of me refuses to let go of, that I just can’t let anyone see me break down. Nick’s the only one who has, and that terrifies me, despite the fact that it’s brought us closer.
I think I love him, like honest to God love.
Too bad he’ll probably never know that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him, because of that damn side of me that has to be strong. I’m no shrink, so I don’t have a clue of why I get like this. It’s chased so many away in my past.
If I ever see AJ again, I’ll ask him. He’s seen enough psychologists in his life – maybe some of it rubbed off. But I don’t think I’ll ever be given the chance. Things aren’t good. I’m terrified Kevin’s about to die. He reminds me of Nathan, the oldest of my brothers. Overly responsible, always thinking ahead, always trying to be the dad, always testing me. I can’t handle losing anyone else. Wasn’t the death of Kayleigh enough? I can’t handle losing Kevin; I really can’t. I may act like a smartass, but I still love everyone in our little group of ten nine.
I don’t think we’ll make it back to Florida. I don’t think we’ll survive to see 2013. I don’t think we’ll be lucky much longer on our food raids. I don’t think we’ll be able to stay at the golf course much longer; more and more are beginning to sniff us out.
I don’t think it’s fair that we’ll probably have to die now, after fighting so hard. To think I argued with Kevin to be able to go on this trip. I could’ve been back at the base, comfortable and far safer. It’s mindboggling.
You wanna know what’s even crazier?
If I had the chance to redo that moment, knowing what was to come… I’d still choose to go.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Week Twenty-Five
Riley stood by the window, not too far from where Kevin lay resting on the couch. She’d been up all night, having decided she’d keep the vigil for once. Nick kept insisting she should rest and let him do it. It didn’t seem fair to make him always be the one to protect their small little camp, to watch over Kevin without being able to truly help him. Tonight, she’d finally pushed him to get some real sleep. He looked so haggard and worn now. Bags had built up beneath his normally sparkling, blue eyes. Now they looked dull, like murky swamp water. Everything that had happened had finally begun to bring her cockeyed optimist down.
Her eyes shifted over to Nick. Where he lay sleeping, there was no smile. It saddened her to see him so down, even in slumber. It wasn’t normal, and it wasn’t something she was used to. She wondered then if maybe he was dreaming of Kevin, or Kayleigh, or his family. There was so much to grieve for these days, and from the looks of it, more to come. It frightened her more than she ever wanted to admit. She sat down slowly, with her back resting against the couch. Riley stifled a yawn, staring out into the night.
We never should’ve left, she thought, for what felt like the millionth time. She wondered what everyone was doing right then. She wondered if they assumed the three of them to be dead. Being the pessimist she was, Riley knew she would have, if she’d remained back at the base. She suddenly missed Gretchen right then. She needed a woman to talk to, someone to really just share with and get everything about Nick off her chest. She sighed. At least Gretchen had Brian, who was probably keeping her spirits up. Brian was always good at that. Riley missed Jo, who’d become like a surrogate mother, a figure she hadn’t had since she was a child. Jo would have known what to do.
If Jo were here, Kevin wouldn’t be dying.
Tears sprang to her eyes; still, she refused to let them fall. She couldn’t. If she let herself cave and cry now, she knew she wouldn’t stop. Riley stood, stretching a bit as she did. Shivering, she reached for Nick’s hoodie, which he’d grabbed on a supply run. Putting it on, she took a deep breath, going to grab some water. Since the water was off now, with no people to keep it running, they’d been forced to grab cases of bottled water during one of the runs. There wasn’t much left. Riley had been using it mainly to keep Kevin hydrated. Pouring some into a cup, she came back over to Kevin’s side. On the table before him lay a damp rag. Gently, she set the cup down and took the rag, running it across his forehead. It felt so fruitless; nothing seemed to help.
“Kevin… you need to wake up. Please…” she whispered, despite knowing he wouldn’t hear her. Wherever he was, he seemed beyond hearing her now.
He shifted in his sleep, if you could call it that, and she gently opened his mouth. Her hands trembled as she set the pills inside, following them with a trickle of water. Kevin had been like this for a full week now, if her count was right. If something didn’t change soon, she feared for the worst. At least the mumbling had stopped. That had unnerved her the most, the rambles caused by his feverous delirium.
“Rye?”
She turned sharply, startled from her reverie. Nick was sitting up slowly, his golden hair going every which way. If not for the paleness of his face and how drawn his skin was, it would almost be cute. The corners of her lips twitched slightly. “Morning, Sleepy.”
“Is it morning?” he asked as he stretched out, cracking his back.
“Barely… I can see the sun beginning to rise.”
“You should get some sleep.”
Riley shook her head, turning back to Kevin, dabbing at his forehead. “I’m okay.”
“You always say that.”
She shrugged, not looking at him. “Maybe I say it ‘cause I am.”
“Damn it, Riley-”
She turned, her eyes blazing. “What, Nick? What? You think I can get any sleep right now? You think I can even try? Kevin’s about ready to kick the ever-fucking-loving bucket, and I’m not going to go sleep and…” Riley stopped, swallowing back the rest of her words.
An arm came around her shoulder. Two tears fell from her eyes, beyond her control. “I know.”
“I can’t take this. I, I try to. I try and…”
“You don’t always gotta have control, you know. Aren’t you the one who tried telling Howie that?” She glanced over; Nick was giving her that smile. That smile that never failed to bring out one of her own, despite the situation at hand.
“I know.”
“So go sleep. I know you’re tired, even if you’ll never tell me.”
She hugged him, feeling safe for only moments within his warm embrace. Riley nodded, giving in. She was tired, emotionally, if not physically. Her lips touched his forehead sweetly as she stood, heading over to the makeshift bed on the floor that Nick had just left. Pulling the blanket over her, she smiled to herself as she watched Nick sing quietly to their sick leader.
His soothing melody lulled her into a much-needed rest.
***
A loud crash caused her to stir. A smell immediately slammed her senses, and she rose with alarm. Her hands reached wildly for her shotgun, as she ran forward. Her eyes skipped around the room. The windows had been shattered, and neither Kevin, nor Nick, could be seen.
“NICK!” she screamed above the moans. Zombies were coming in through the broken windows now, through the doors, through every way they could. They writhed and moaned with no other purpose than to reach her, their newfound prey. Riley fired off a few shots, both of them wild and missing their targets. Plaster fell from the ceiling. She looked around again, her heart beating wildly.
“NICK!” That was when she spotted it, a swarm of them bent over.
Bent over in the feeding position.
She fired off the gun again and again. There was no thought to it. There was no method. She continued shooting, reloading automatically. All she cared about then was getting through. Finally, one zombie fell to break the circle. There, lying still with his eyes half open, was Kevin. Blood ran everywhere, coating the couch as if it were simply spilled paint. Parts of his leg were missing, the flesh raw and gleaming in the breaking daylight. The leg ended halfway down, splintered bone peeking through the broken end. She screamed in fright, before turning and puking everything that remained in her stomach. Bits of regurgitated SpaghettiOs littered the floor now.
The zombies turned on her, just as she began to catch her breath once more. A fresh catch, she knew she was now that much more appealing to them. She ran outside, towards the pond out on the green of the course. Riley had no idea where Nick was, but he wasn’t inside. That much she knew. He’d have heard her screams if he was, or she’d have spotted him if he was already dead.
She ran, paying no attention to where she was going. She didn’t glance back once to see how far she’d gotten ahead. Riley ran blindly into the gradually fading night, the sun only beginning to break through. Her surroundings seemed to be still within a veil of darkness. Tears ran down her face freely now, for Kevin, who hadn’t even had a chance to fight back. It had been like Nick said, a free for all buffet. Riley forced back the bile the thought caused and ignored the burning in her lungs as she kept up her pace.
Suddenly, her foot struck against something. She lost her balance and tumbled down onto the dewy grass. For a moment, she lay there, the breath knocked out of her. As she pulled herself up, she looked over to see what had tripped her. It had to have been big, to have gotten her to fall so hard.
She screamed yet again, a mix of terror and anguish. The sight she saw was one she’d never forget for the rest of her days. There lay Nick. Her Nick. His blue eyes that she so loved were no longer full of life; they stayed open, glassy and unseeing, to the sky above. His throat had been mercilessly ripped out, teeth marks remaining on his neck. His body was mangled, what was left of it. His arms had been devoured, the bones of which only had bits of tattered flesh sticking to them. His torso, which had become toned since the Day of Unholy Resurrection, was nothing but a bloody mess of ribs.
“Nick… Nick…” she sobbed as she hugged his destroyed body. “You can’t be dead… you can’t be… Nick… you… no… no… no…”
She couldn’t think. She couldn’t breathe. All she knew was the overwhelming pain that consumed her then, far more than the ghouls had consumed him. Riley buried her face into what remained of his shoulder. She knew the rest of the horde would sniff her out soon, but found she no longer cared.
A gargled moan came from beside her ear. Riley’s head raised only to see Nick’s had as well.
A bony hand grabbed her hair as she screamed.
“Riley? Riley?!”
“NO! Nick… no… God… no…”
She thrashed away, feeling the grip of her undead lover. Despite no longer having the will, she still fought for her meager life. Still, she couldn’t get away from his grip.
“Riley!” Hands shook her now, no longer grabbing. “Rye!”
Her eyes shot open. Nick was staring at her, looking worried. She buried her head in his chest, crying yet again. Riley hadn’t cried this much since she was a kid. It felt so foreign. In the end, she couldn’t help herself. His hand rubbed her back in an attempt to calm her down.
“I dreamed… Kevin… dead… and then, I found you… and… and…” She couldn’t even utter the words. It felt like saying them would make them real.
“Shhh… it’s okay. It was just a dream. You’ve been asleep for almost twelve hours… I told you you were tired.”
“I… I know… but…”
“It’s okay. It’s alright.”
They remained like that for a short while, Nick patiently soothing her as she slowly calmed down. The nightmare had shaken her to the core. She nodded, pulling away and wiping her eyes discreetly. “I feel stupid.”
“Don’t. We all have nightmares, Rye.”
“I know.” She still felt childish, but said nothing more about it. Instead, she straightened up. “I should check on Kevin…”
“It’s okay; it can wait.”
“But…”
“Everything okay over there?” a raspy voice called, almost inaudible.
The two blondes looked over, both wearing identical expressions of shock. There, weakly attempting to sit up, was Kevin. He looked worn down, still sick, and unable to fight off even an undead toddler. But he was awake, and he was still alive.
Despite all the evidence that said otherwise, suddenly, Riley felt like everything was going to be alright.
