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The next day came quickly once again and I found myself standing in an airport ready to jet off to wherever it was we were going first. Let me just mention here that for the majority of that tour I had no idea where we were going. I’m pretty sure that’s something a personal assistant should know but I think Jen and Joe knew I was a little overwhelmed by it all and decided that all those details could be taken care of by someone else. It wasn’t long before the guys arrived, AJ quite the grump, as I had expected based on his and Brian’s little banter the day before. The rest of the guys seemed fine and I noted how all four of them seemed to have a little glint in their eye like this was what it was all about for them. I hoped I would feel the same way by the end of the tour but only time would tell. Joe had suggested earlier that I should sit up front with the guys to try and get to know them a bit more during the plane ride. Jen changed seats with me so this would be possible. I was still hesitant about this whole experience. I was starting realize that I would probably good at the job aspect of the tour but when it came to actually carrying on a conversation with anyone I was nervous as hell. I was trying so hard to break out of my bubble but let me tell you it’s not easy. And learning to let down your guard to strangers is even worse. I figured the best way to go about it was to just think of them as normal people. Which technically they are so that shouldn’t be hard, right?

We finally boarded the plane and I was surprised to discover that I was sitting next to none other than Nick Carter. It made sense, everyone else had a significant other but ever since I first caught him starring at me he had seemed distant. But then again, I probably did too to everyone else so who was I to judge. And I guess I can’t really base anything off of a two second introduction. He was already sitting in the seat near the window and when I went to sit down he stopped me by asking if I liked the window seat. Of course I did but I wasn’t about to make him move. But he was really insistent that he preferred the isle and asked if we could switch. I said no problem but apparently switching seats is a bigger problem than I had thought. There were lots of people trying to squeeze by in the tiny isle way behind us and stepping in front of anyone did not seem like a good option at that moment. So there I was trying to squeeze past Nick Carter into the next seat without falling flat on my face. While exchanging quite a few “sorry’s” and in a not so graceful way we finally managed to get comfortable in our respective seats. After a few moments to compose myself I finally looked over at him to see him grinning back at me. I shyly grinned back and then quickly I looked away. I don’t know what it was about the way he looked at me but I just got a weird feeling.

“Sorry about that” he suddenly said.

I looked up at and replied “That’s okay”. That’s it, that’s all I could muster was ‘that’s okay’! I felt so pathetic; I was too scared to even carry on small talk with this guy. But that was my problem all along. I hardly ever spoke to guys. As crazy as it sounds, I had never had boyfriend before. By now I was comfortable with myself. I didn’t exactly consider myself to be drop dead gorgeous or anything or even pretty but I didn’t think I was ugly either. I made sure to keep myself together and look presentable. I died my hair, wore make-up, made sure I didn’t wear too many frumpy of cloths. I wasn’t self conscience but I also wasn’t confident. All my life since I was a little girl I had heard people put me down. And even though the bullying stopped, I also never heard any compliments. I never had guys asking me out. I had been on couple group outings but never a one-on-one date with a guy. It’s not like I didn’t want to. If someone had asked me I’m sure I would have said yes. But I always prided myself in being independent and proving that I didn’t need anyone to verify me. I didn’t need a boyfriend to feel pretty, or to fit in. I was okay being on my own. And after all this time I was just starting to realize that maybe the reason guys weren’t asking me out is because I wasn’t open to them. I didn’t make myself available. I didn’t go out to places where they would find me. I didn’t make eye contact or even just give a nice smile to guy I thought was cute. I shut myself down thinking they would all come to me if the time was right. And maybe now I realize I was wrong all along. Maybe I needed to put in a little effort in order to get something in return. And I now know that means getting past my shyness and taking a chance. The only problem was that with chances came disappointment and sadness. I was afraid of rejection. If I opened myself up then I was opening myself up to hurt and betrayal and heart break. But if I didn’t open up then I was closing myself off to everything else good like friendship, and happiness and love.

My sudden barade of thoughts were interrupted when the plane began take off. The flight attendant began her safety talk as the plane headed to the tar mac. I was still slightly consumed in my thoughts when I noticed Nick’s hand holding the side of the armrest. He was looking straight ahead with his eyes closed and we hadn’t even started take off yet. And then it hit me. This is the perfect time to say something to him and open up a conversation. I hadn’t really done that before but fear of flying could be good topic. So I went for it.

“Don’t like flying very much?” I tentatively asked.

He quickly opened his eyes and looked over at me again with that piercing look. “Huh, no can you tell?” he nervously asked.

I smirked. “Just a little. You look like you’re about to choke the armrest to death” I said thinking that was probably the stupidest thing I could have said. But then I noticed he loosened his grip on the armrest and let out a small sigh.

“Yeah I’ve never liked flying very much and to bad for me it comes with the job” he smiled a bit.

“Well luckily for you most of this tour you’ll be stuck in a teeny tiny bunk on a bus instead. Hope you’re not claustrophobic too” I smiled back.

He laughed. Like an actual whole hearted laugh. I made him laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone laugh before! It felt so good to hear it. But I couldn’t figure out if I liked hearing him laugh because I made him or because I just liked hearing the sound come from him. My thoughts were once again interrupted by his reply, “You’re right, and no I’m not claustrophobic but if I were I’d just have to find someone who would join me in that teeny tiny bunk and keep me company so I didn’t get too scared”. What was that supposed to mean? Wait, was he flirting with me? Was Nick Carter flirting with me? I don’t think I’ve flirted with anyone before so how was I supposed to know if that’s was this was? I could be all wrong and jumping to conclusions because why would someone like Nick freaking Crater being flirting with me? There was only one way to find out. Flirt back!

“Really? Well what would someone have to do to make you feel a little less scared of flying?” I retaliated.

He lifted his eyebrow at me in an impressed kind of way, almost like he was surprised I was playing along, and pretended to think for a minute. “Well the possibilities really are endless but I could think of one off the top of my head” he replied as he suggestively nodded his head towards to front bathroom stall. By this time we were closely nearing take off and I couldn’t believe that Nick Carter was flirting with ME and more so that I was actually able to flirt back! But my disbelief was quickly pushed aside when I noticed how tense he was actually getting the more the plane revved up. I felt bad for him as he began to clutch the armrest tighter again and his face seemed to pale a bit. I didn’t think twice when I responded, “Why don’t we save that for another time and you can just hold my hand until you feel better instead?”.

He looked at my hesitantly and for a second I thought I had gone to far and read him wrong until I felt him lightly put his hand in mine. Not two seconds later we were speeding down the runway and he had a death grip on my hand. I almost regretted my decision but then he loosened his hold and let out a shaky breath he must have held through the whole take off. I was surprised when he didn’t fully let go of my hand but instead continue to lightly hold it while he regained his composure. I then heard Brian yell back from a few rows in front us “Hey dude, you okay back there?”. Nick slowly opened his eyes, looked over at me and gave me a small, appreciative smile. “Yeah man, I’m good” he yelled back the whole time looking at me. The whole thing was getting to be a bit much for me so I said, “Well, now that you feel better, you mind if I steal my hand back?”.

He continued to look at me for a moment until he responded, “What if I don’t want to?”. I was a little confused by that point. I mean it was nice holding his hand, don’t get me wrong, but I’m new to this whole flirting thing and now it seemed like he was crossing that invisible flirt line that leads to something more. I looked at him curiously when he suddenly said “I’m just kidding. But thank you for doing that. It did make me feel better. Much better”, as he slowly let go of hand. Okay that was weird. In one sentence he went from a complete joking tone back to serious again. I was getting so many mixed signals and I had no idea what to say next. Thankfully I didn’t have to. He suggested we watch a movie he brought on his portable player and I happily accepted knowing that would mean no more awkward conversations for a while. I was glad we had moved past uncomfortable silence, now I just had to figured what we had moved into.

The rest of the plane ride went surprisingly well. I was able to chat a little bit with the rest of the guys. It was a long flight and we all got stir crazy after a while so learning about each other was a good way to pass time. I was really glad I was finding it easier to open up to everyone. And it helped that they were so nice. Nick and I didn’t say much more after the movie but it wasn’t awkward either. It was actually really easy to sit in comfortable silence with him. It was coming close to arrival at our first stop and I could tell Nick was getting antsy anticipating the landing. I was looking out the window watching the clouds get closer when Nick touched my arm. “I’m going to the washroom quick before we start to land. Care to join me?” he suggestively wiggled his eyebrows at me and smirked as he walked away. I was slightly shocked but he hadn’t given me any time to answer so I’m sure he was just joking. But it still took me by surprise. When he returned he looked at me and said, “I was waiting for you, you never showed”. He had a twinkle in his eye that told me he was joking so I played along. “Actually, I was on my up and Jen nabbed me to discuss some details about tomorrow. You know, work does comes before play unfortunately” I said with a smile. He chuckled and turned to put his seat belt back on just as they announced our final decent. Almost as quickly as he had chuckled his faced seemed to pale similar to how it had earlier during take off. Instinctively his hand gripped at the arm rest and he tensed up again. I was amazing at how much this seemed to affect him, so without hesitation I grabbed his hand once more. He looked over at me gratefully again and I said “you know if I didn’t know any better I would think you planned that”. He laughed that amazing laugh again and before we knew it we had landed.

As we were taxing down the runway he made no attempt to let go of my hand but instead continued to gently hold on while he talked with some of the other guys about what we were doing once we got to the hotel. No one else seemed too noticed but I began to worry what they might think if they did see because I still had yet to figure it out myself. But what I did know was that it felt nice. I’d never really had anyone hold my hand just because they felt like it but at the same I didn’t want to read into it too much or continue to jump to conclusions. Once a few people started to get up he looked back over at me, smiled and helped me to my feet by pulling on my hand as he stood up as well. Once the isle cleared and he started to move it was then he let go of my hand. And for the first time, instead of wondering why he wouldn’t let go, I was wondering he had.