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Chapter 43

He stared out the window of the room, watching the rain splatter against it. In some ways, his heart was in a huge turmoil; he just didn’t know which road to follow. The last few days with Kris had been great, but could he really say they were a couple? Some days it felt like it and yet others, it just really couldn’t be.

He sighed and ran his hand over his face; more confused than he aught to be. He could also openly admit that things without Resa weren’t nearly as fun. And no matter how much he tried to block it, he couldn’t; that kiss was coming back to haunt him. He was now day dreaming about it! And how in the world did that happen?

Maybe it had something to do with AJ? Maybe he could see that his and Resa’s relationship wasn’t as sturdy as it should be? Maybe he could finally see a glimmer of hope for himself?

But, if that was the case, than that would mean, on some level, that he had feelings for Resa, and that, he couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around. When would those have come? He didn’t dare ask how, for that he could pretty much guess. In so many ways, she was amazing.

He sighed again and leaned his head back against the couch. Was that way his marriage failed? Some where, deep down where he couldn’t see and couldn’t tell, had he fallen in love before his marriage had even ended? Was he laying all the blame on his ex when in truth it was him that had changed; him that had fallen out of love; him that wanted a new life? Now, that was a crushing blow. For so long he had been mad at Leigh but maybe it was really him.

There sure seemed to be a lot of maybe questions that had suddenly appeared and he wasn’t too sure he was liking them. Not that his mind seemed to be stopping anytime soon. Hell, it really hadn’t stopped since she left. He knew that he should have been the one to talk to her and explain what happened with dip shit. He should have been the one that flew to God knows where….he trailed off on that. No, he knew he couldn’t have gone after her.

Either she would have hated him, which he really did deserve; or he would have ended up being no better than AJ, and cheated. He would have used her emotions, and in a selfish heat, he would have allowed her to betray AJ like he betrayed her. God, he was more of an asshole than he thought. Maybe he really did cause Leigh to leave. And, shit, he was back to the maybe game.

He shook his head and finally stood up, not really needing to be along with his thoughts anymore. They were getting him into trouble and that was never a good sign. And that, that was his own damn fault.

“You’re still up?” He turned his head and smiled at his sister.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Ah. Then wanna sit with me?” He had just been sitting for the last three hours, but he didn’t have the heart to deny his sister. So, he nodded his head and followed Pollyanna outside. He watched as she curled up on the little bench and he was glad that the back porch was at least covered. “Talk to me D.”

“About what?” Pollyanna lifted a brow.

“Really? You want to play that game with me?” Oh sure, he was close to John, they did a lot of guy stuff together, no matter the age difference but when he needed to talk, his sisters were the best ones to turn to. And actually, of them all, he always took his advice from his sister Caroline.

“Fine, no games. I’m thinking about Resa.”

“Yeah, I heard about it. The fans and Twitter. She found out the truth.” Well, he had to confide in someone. Besides, his sisters all knew when he was hiding something.

“Yeah, she did.” He leaned back against the seat and crossed his feet at the ankles. “I can’t help but feel horrible. I was her best friend, I should have said something.”

“First of all, don’t use past tense. She maybe hurt, but she won’t stop being your friend. Second of all, yes, we all know you were selfish in your reasons. Not,” she said, holding her hand up to stop his protest, “not that you were backing, supporting, or condoning your friend. But you didn’t want to see her hurt. Granted, watching the interactions between Kris and Alex, I would think she was already having some kind of pain.”

“So, what do I do?” God, sometimes he hated how right his sisters were. Polly hadn’t even been around the situation and she saw the truth of it.

“Honestly Howie, nothing. Right now, Resa has the final say in everything. She could very well walk away from AJ, and all of you. Or, she could try to fight for the love she sees there. And, if that’s the case, then you can do nothing but be her friend and support her. You already hurt her once, though you didn’t mean to. If you put yourself out there now, she’s more than likely to reject you.”

Ah, how right that was. He hated the thought of Resa going back to AJ, for he really felt, deep down, that AJ was not returning the love he had. But, who was he to say anything? Polly was right, that was Resa’s choices. And if she still wanted his friendship, than he head no choice but to support her, unless she asked otherwise.

Goodness, how the hell did this become such an ugly ass situation? And who could take the blame? Anyone and everyone actually.

“Howie?” He lifted his head and glanced at his sister.

“Yeah?”

“If you truly cared for Resa, and you really think she’s not going to choose AJ, then don’t make her believe you care for another woman, when you don’t. It’s really not good to string two women along.” With that, she stood up and walked over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and went back inside and up to bed.

Hell, he really hadn’t thought about Kris. At first, he actually liked her, maybe even crushed on her. And he still did, but to really date? Sure, the kisses they had were great and they did set him a blazing, but they were certainly not like the one kiss he had with Resa; that along caused a fire to flame up that didn’t seem to be like it was going to die soon.

So, with that being stated, what did he say? Well, what could he say but the truth? Granted, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore than she had already been hurt. But he knew too, that he wasn’t the one for her. And that they came together because of AJ and Resa, more than anything else. Damn, how he hated when his sisters were right!

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She leaned her hands back in the sand and watched the last sun rays sink into the ocean. In some ways, she was rather glad that she didn’t have sunset gazing in common with AJ. For him, unbeknown, to his fans, he loved to be up early and watch the sunrise. Not the habit you would think a known partier would happen to have.

But at least here, she could watch and find peace; and finally an answer to her long lost question. And she was hoping that her heart wasn’t leading her astray. She smiled and stood up, dusting the sand off of her and heading back up to her room, for she was leaving in the morning.