Chapter Three : Unmistakable (Part One)
The night i got here changed my life forever. I was living on my own and i know its only been 5 weeks but i still feel like theres a gap, there's a hole in me. No one rushes over to me and asks for an autograph..
No one asks me who i am or even notices my smile. My famous smirk i always do. The old man was right on my existence and yet i have no idea who he was. But he looked so familar. His face, the winkles,
the smile even the eyes but it didnt jog my memory. Within these few weeks, i thought what the old man said and i lived life normally but i did have my problems so i attended HERE. The Saint Lucus Rehab and Training Center. I didnt check in to rehab. I ended up going to the AA meetings. I still needed help.
"Hi, Im Nick Car...Racter. I need help."
"Ok. sir. What is your guilty pleasure?"
"Excuse me."
"What are you in for, Drugs, alcohol, pills, suicidal...etc.?"
"Oh.. Drugs and Alcohol Abuse."
"Meetings or Checking In."
"Just Meetings."
"Just? Well ok. You're scheduled for these days and these days. If you need more meetings to attend, you may want to take that up with the counselor."
"Ok. Thanks."
Psht. Why am i doing this anyways Carter? Hayl....She's gone and the guys replaced me with someone who isnt me. So what's the point really? It's too get back on my feet that was it. That's truth, i needed to do it or i was going to die.Eventually i would end up dieing one of these days but i want to be old and gray before that ever happened. Not this day. So I am doing this now stop talking to yourself and get home. This was my beginning of my five weeks.
So now this just wasnt the day. Today has been boring. I went surfing on the same beach i always did. Been going to the meetings and they helped alot since five weeks ago. But the more i think about it the more i wish it wasnt so hard. I still dont know nobody. I had no one. No family and no friends. I drove by Brian's new house out here in L.A. but he didnt look the same. He seemed unhappy and he didnt have... Oh My God.. You're dumb Carter.. Or whoever you are. Leighanne and Baylee wasnt with him. What happened? I figure i will drive by his house again tomorrow. I know... it should be against the rules to go see Brian but who knows. I might be a crow in disguise one day and be breaking all the rules anyhow so i might as well just start here right? RIGHT!
~~~
I was driving. I was nervous. I came to his gate while he was outside. He looked like he needed help. I was determined.
"Hey, need some help."
"Sure. Thank you."
"Oh no problem."
"Grab this bag and put it over here."
"Ok, so what are you making?"
"Im redoing my front yard."
"Oh shouldnt you hire a lawn person to do that?"
"Well, yeah but i need something to do. I was attempted so i did it."
I smiled. "Well, that always does some good. Im Nick Racter."
I extended my hand and he grabbed it in return. For once it felt like it was home, just for a minute.
"Im Brian Littrell. What brings you here anyways?"
"I was out for a walk is all."
"Oh, I understand. You married?"
"No. You?"
"Nope. Well, yes. no. I dont know."
I laughed and smiled. Thinking to myself. How does he not know he's married. He should know.
"How do you not know?"
"Well, I live with my girlfriend it's like being married."
I laughed again. "Why's that?"
"Same responsiblities. You should come over for the Bar-B-Q I am having tomorrow. That's if you want too."
"Sure I would love too."
"Great and thank you for the help."
"Your welcome. Anytime."
"I need to get going."
"Me too."
"Nice to meet ya nick."
"You too."
I walked down the pathway and out of his yard before i saw Hayl..HER. What was she doing here? I had no idea but i hid in the bushes so she didnt see me. I saw her kissing another guy. Not JUST any guy. AJ?? What, Why him? Honestly. He has more problems than I do. She takes him. My anger was beginning to flare up and i wanted to rip his head off. I did. I wanted this whole thing to be a DREAM at that very moment but it wasnt. I wouldnt wake up. I was really invited to this bar-b-q that brian was having tomorrow. I was really seeing Haylee kiss AJ. I felt sick. I got to my car without notice and drove home and went to sleep. I wanted a nightmare to end but all i saw was her face with his in a wedding chapel. I woke up scared and screamed at god.
"She isnt suppose to marry him. She isnt suppose to be with him. She's suppose to be with me. Always."
I layed down after i ponder that sentence and went to sleep. Yet, i dont remember ever saying that. It could have been a dream too. I dont know. I was safely sleeping in my bed anyways....
~~~
I woke up the next morning with a hole in all places of my body. I was running on empty and most of all i had to look alive for this bar-b-q. I wasn't ready. I was no where near ready. But i got up, took my shower, got dressed and headed over to Brian's. I still was nervous.
"Hey nick. Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to everyone. That's my girlfriend aka wife, Leighanne, (he winked at me and i smiled.) That's my cousin Kevin and his wife Kristin. That's Howie and his wife Leigh, and that's AJ and his girlfriend Chelle. Everyone this is Nick. We are missing two more people but when they get here i'll introduce you."
"Ok."
I was way beyond confused. I thought AJ and Haylee would be a couple. They were kissing each other and oh no, Haylee is with that guy who pretends to be me. No. I was on my way of being sick again. I was lost in thought listening to everyone else's conversation while i was listening to my own until they showed up.
"Oh good, you're here."
"Yes Brian we are. Why wouldn't we be?"
"I dont know. Oh I want you to meet someone. Nick come here."
"Yes?"
"This is Nick and his girlfriend Haylee. Guys, this is Nick."
"Haha cool he has the same name as me."
"Dont be rude to him honey. Hi Nick."
She reached to grab my hand and i hesitated.
"Hi."
After the little greets, everyone sat down to eat and than after dinner people started to go home after long hours of talk. I eventually found Haylee on the deck of the house, just watching the sunset. My favorite sight of her has always been right in the sunlight. But now i wasnt anything to her. I was just a face in the crowd tonight. Just someone who was trying to hold on for us. I walked out to her.
"Hey."
"Oh, hi there. I wasnt expecting anyone."
"Sorry."
"Oh no its ok. I just mean no one ever comes out here to talk to me."
"Oh, you know i thought you were with that AJ guy."
She laughed. This was a good thing.
"What makes you say that?"
"I saw you kiss him yesterday."
Her face almost went red.
"Please dont tell no one. Theres nothing going on. If you tell..."
She started to cry.
"Aw. I wont tell but dont cry. Whats wrong?"
"My boyfriend will hit me. You see, he abuses me."
I was pissed. I was ready to kill him with my hands but i did nothing instead i found myself hugging her and reassuring her. She found comfort in me somewhere. Maybe she was holding on with me.
"What do you think about when you look at the ocean?"
She gave me a confused look.
"What do you mean?"
"I saw you staring at the ocean. What do you see?"
"I see a guy that i never met. He's just a face but not a full face cause it always changes. It's like he could be anyone right now."
I smiled and hugged her tighter. Nothing was said at that moment. It's like we were one without truly realizing it. I let go of her when she had to leave and she expected to see me again. I was shocked. Our life together was nothing like that. Well, maybe at the beginning but it got worse along the way. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to hold her like that a million times over but i dont get it. I wasnt trying to feel this. It was like i did lov..... I'll never say it. Ill never think it. Im determined to make it that way. My heart is closed but yet i feel like.... I dont know the words. We parted that night. I told Brian I would be back but didnt know when. When I left, I took the long way by walking in a crowded street, just thinking of how unbelievable the feeling was. When I got home, I went to bed with the image of Haylee hitting the sunlight.
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