I was still unsure as I hung up with Howie. It had already been four days ago, from the shooting at In N Out, but it felt like yesterday. Thankfully DJ only had a head concussion from when we hit the ground. The red stuff? It was just ketchup.

Thank God.

Nick snuck into my room, and began to bounce around like he was a child. “What the hell are you wearing? I’m not taking you to the bar like that!” He was going on.

I flung a pillow right at his head, “Shut up!”

“That’s not a way to treat your older brother, ya know. I demand respect!” His eyebrows were furrowed and he had a scowl on his face.

“You’re insane. All that surfing has damaged your brain!”

“Did I not just demand respect…for fucks sake.”

“Whatever. I told you I’m not going. I don’t feel like doing anything.” I sat up against the head board.

“But sis it’s New Year’s Eve. Time for celebrating…drinking…dancing…hooking up!”

Did he just say hooking up? He did. Actually Nick was known to be a little pimp, before he met his girlfriend Lauren. Once he met her, there was no one else in the world for him, but her.

At times I totally agreed with him. She wasn’t his usual pick. Blonde and fake. She was a real girl, with flaws…like me. Erase that…I have too many flaws.

It was rare when I was feeling this down. Nick was right it was New Years Eve. And Usually, I was all dressed up and heading to Howie’s. This year I had declined, due to my negative attitude. They had plenty of things to worry about, without adding mine to their list.

What was I worried about in the first place?

Oh yeah. The fact that I had one of my brothers staying with me and he still hadn’t told me why. Was one of them. I was in love with a man, that was supposed to be like a brother to me. Which brought on the biggest worry for the new year to come. I had to tell my dad about Alex and I…before someone else figured it out and opened their mouth.

Just that alone, sent shivers down my spine.

“Oh great!” I looked up at Nick. He was shaking his head and his mouth was twisted in disappointment. “You’re emo!”

Where does he come up with these things? I’m not emo. I’m just worried that I’m going to let down my dad and he might even disown me. I could never live with myself. I’m daddy’s little girl, damn it.

“I grew up with you. In case you forgot…I know your emo moments. It’s Alex isn’t it?”

As soon as the name drifted from his mouth, my stomach was in knots. When did Nick get so fucking smart. I wanted him to leave already, so I could continue to mope on my own. Without interruptions. I was planning on downing the bottle of wine chilling in my freezer. Crying to the Old Lang Syne…at exactly midnight and if I was drunk enough…hugging my favorite pillow.

We all need some TLC.

“I’m fine. It’s just…” I felt stupid telling Nick what I had planned to do. Maybe he didn’t even give a crap about it. What was I saying. Nick was always there to listen to me…all my brothers were. Then, why did it feel like we were all going in different directions? “…I’ve decided to tell dad about Alex and I.” I waited for his reaction.

He gave me a crooked, insecure smile. “WOW! You better have some armor…especially for Alex.” His voice dropped to a whisper, “You sure you wanna do that. He might kill him.”

“Like WE would let him do that. Dad can be understanding…sorta…”

Saying it out loud really scared me. Maybe, it was a bad idea. We weren’t together anymore anyways. Our relationship was a joke. It was invisible to the world and I think even to us.

“Of course we wouldn’t. Look…I don’t want to discourage you sis. But I think you should just move on…and forget about telling dad. Move on and find someone who really deserves you.”

Just the request from Nick, gave me an ache in my heart. Tears filled my eyes. “What the hell happened to you? You’re more…I don’t know.” We parted and he became a bit nervous.

Wiping his hands on his jeans, he stood up. “Damn it’s already nine. I should head out!”

“Why are you really here Nick? What happened?”

He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a chuckle, “What makes you think something is wrong. Can’t I just want to hang out in Vegas for a little longer. Anyways, you can’t just change the subject on me.” He whined.

I couldn’t help rolling my eyes at him, “Nick just like I trust in you. You have to trust in me. What happened?”

My questioning wasn’t about him trusting me. I knew he did, at some extent. It was to save myself from having to talk about my father…and especially being in love with Alex. And it was in vain.

Letting out a huff, he sat back down. “Lauren kicked me out.” He bit the inside of his cheek, as he stared straight ahead.

A gasp escaped me, “What? I’m sorry Nick…what happened?”

He gave me a weak smile. “I really don’t want to talk about this tonight. Just like you don’t want to talk about Alex. So, I’m hoping that you change your mind and meet me at the bar. I’ll be your date…at least you know there won’t be any awkward kissing or sex.”

I threw a pillow at him. “So gross I can’t believe you said that.”

He was in a fit of laughter, when there was a knock at the door. “Saved by the knock. Who could it be now…” he sang and pursed his lips to make a trumpet sound. The man was almost in his thirties and acted like a child.

I got out of bed, and shuffled for some clean clothes. Nick was right. I looked like crap. My hair was all over the place, and my tank had some kind of stain on it. Plus these tiny shorts, weren’t very flattering.

“I’m out Soph…remember if you want, meet me there!” I heard Nick holler from the living room. And the door slammed shut. I assumed one of his unknown buddies had come to get him. So I made nothing of whoever had knocked on the door.

Boy was I wrong.

Just as I was slipping my shirt over my head, my eyes came in contact with Alex. I let out a yelp and my hands flew to cover my breast. “Holy shit you scared me.”

He had that boyish grin and he was looking exceptionally good-looking tonight. “Babe I’ve seen those and much more of you…before.” his grin widened.

While my cheeks burned.

He’d seen it all, but that had been more than a month ago. I was insecure all over again. “Turn around…sheesh.” I waved an arm at him, till he reluctantly turned to face the hallway.

“You’re really exaggerating here. I just came by to see how you were doing? You’re not going to the bar tonight?”

Keeping my eyes on him, I slipped the violet silky wrap around blouse on and pulled on my only pair of black skinny jeans. I don’t understand the concept of skinny jeans. They don’t make you look skinnier. If not, they enhance…the fact that you aren’t skinny...with a nice pair of love handles.

“Ok you can turn around now.” I instructed, pulling my hair into a messy pony tail. There was no way I was doing my hair, just to sit in front of the TV. “I’m not going. By the looks of it…you are?” It was more of a question, than an assumption.

“No…I’m on duty tonight.” He looked at himself. His dark grey slacks were just his size and he wasn’t wearing the usual tight fitting shirt. Tonight it was a white polo shirt and a gun in his hip holster. I should have known he was on duty, by the chain with the badge hanging from his neck. “I can look good, while on duty. Can’t I? So you AREN’T going to the bar?”

I raised a brow, finding it a bit odd that he kept asking me about the bar. What the hell was happening at the bar tonight? If he asked me one more time, before he walked out my front door. I was definitely going to the bar tonight.

“No. I told you I’m not going to the bar tonight. I’m not in the mood to see people. Happy people.” I plopped on to the side of my bed.

“Nick mentioned you were emo. I just didn’t think it was this bad.”

“I’m not emo. I’m just contemplating things in my life. Don’t you want to start this year positively?”

“Sure…but that’s not the case for me. You can though.” He shrugged. Probably knowing already, that he wasn’t part of the positive…if not the negative in my life.

Fiddling with my fingers, I looked up at him. “I’m gonna tell him.” I almost whispered.

His lips formed a straight line, and one of his brows raised in question. “What are you talking about. The old man?”

I shook my head, swallowing the lump of nerves in my throat. “Yeah. I think he deserves to know.”

“He’ll kill us. Me. He’ll definitely kill me. You’ve lost your mind haven’t you. Have you been drinking?” He let out a sigh, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Whatever you want to do babe.” Alex took two steps towards me, and pulled me to my feet. “I love you. And I’ll respect your decision.” I could see it in his eyes, that he wasn’t happy with my decision so far.

His words took me by surprise.

It had been a while since he had actually said them to me. Now, without hesitation they had slipped his mouth and I didn’t have a better answer for him, other than. “Ok.”

He pulled me in for a tight hug, and pressed his lips against mine. And was gone before I could react.

It was ten when I hung up with my dad. By the happy voices, and the clinking of glasses. It sounded like they were having a great time and for a split second. I found myself wishing I was there with them. Minutes before, I had talked to Howie and they were all heading to bed, not even waiting to ring in the new year.

After a bit of hair controlling and a layer of make-up. I was on my way to the bar in my beat up Nissan Maxima. In less than ten minutes, I was parked and at the door contemplating entering the crowded bar. “Hey sis!” I heard a familiar voice slur my way, as I entered the stuffy place.

“Hi” I spoke softly, nudging my way through the crowd over to the tall blonde. “I’m glad to see you. I was already changing my mind about coming in.” I muttered, straightening out my shirt.

“Hey there sexy!” A pair of hands gave my shoulders a squeeze. I couldn’t help to smile, when my eyes met the familiar pair of green eyes.

There is only one man, that can make me just as hot and bothered as Alex. And that’s my partner, who is tall dark and fucking handsome. Piercing green eyes, manly smile, toned body and a southern drawl. Who was looking extra spicy tonight.

“Hey I didn’t know you were going to be here!” I said, pleased to see him. Although we had only been partners for two months. He was easy to get along with, even in his moments of bullheadedness and perfectionism. Sometimes I could feel an unknown tension between us, but other times he just seemed to be like another brother to me.

I had finally settled on a stool at the bar, with three cosmos in my system and number four in my hand. All three of us were in deep conversation, about our trips to Hollywood, when someone entered the bar and there was a lot of cheering. It almost sounded like a celebrity had made a guest appearance. Everyone spun around to get a glimpse of the popular one and I realized who it was making everyone go wild.

None other than Officer Mclean.

I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him, greet people. He was so cool and collected shaking hands here and there. But my heart dropped when I noticed, his other hand connected to…none other than Katy Fieldman’s hand. They stood at the bar, while his partner Frank ordered them drinks.

At first I thought maybe she’d lost her way and he was being a good officer of the law and guiding her drunk ass back to the bar. But it became apparent that she was his date, when he placed his arm around her waist and kissed her neck softly.

I saw Nick look at me from the corner of my eye. But I wasn’t strong enough to turn and look at him. If I saw the sympathy in his eyes, I might burst out in tears right then and there. Then all hell would break loose.

“Oh shit! Look at the time I just came by to wish you guys a happy new year.” I teetered off the stool and pushed my way towards the door.

The cold breeze hit my face and the rest of my bare skin, as I opened the door and stepped outside. I bit my lip hard, to keep from letting any tears escape.

“You can’t just leave.” Nick said out of breath, as he reached me at my car.

I reminded myself of Alex, as I swayed in place and fumbled to find my keys in my tiny purse. Where the hell do keys hide? The ground was moving, the world was spinning and my tears were ready to fall.

“I just want to go home Nick. You go back there and have fun. You still have fifteen minutes before midnight. Just go.”

“There is no way I’m letting my little sister drive her drunk ass home. So don’t ask me to do that.”

Kevin appeared from behind Nick, one hand held a pair of keys and the other one was tucked into his pant pocket. “I’ll take her home. I’m one of the designated officers tonight. You stay and have fun. I’ll make sure she gets home safe and sound.” he placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring look.

“I love you Soph.” Nick kissed the top of my head, and walked back into the bar.

Getting into the car, was easier said than done. Kevin had to guide me into the seat and buckle me up like a child. Because I couldn’t see shit. “I’m so sorry…” I kept repeating myself like a fool.

Even though everything was suddenly blurry, I could see the wide smile on his face. He was definitely enjoying this. And the worst part was I would hear about it…every single day from now on.

Within minutes we were standing in front of my apartment building. The ground was still moving, but I could see much more clearer. “You’re not swaying as much anymore. You know I’ve never…”

“Shut up! I swear Richardson…if you even think about telling anyone about this. I will shoot you Monday evening.” I tried to give him a stern look, but his chuckles, made me giggle.

He suddenly ran a finger over my cheek. Sending a current of heat through my body. “You’re cute drunk! Well I gotta go…there are many drunks to take home tonight.”

“Ok…” I muttered.

All of a sudden…radios blasted songs, people cheered and illegal fireworks went off announcing the new year. We stood staring at each other in disbelief that it was already midnight. “Uh…happy new year?” he wrapped his arms around me.

Once again I felt that current through my body. I’d never hugged Kevin before. Hell, the closest contact we had was sitting next to each other in the cruiser. Hesitantly I wrapped my arms around his tall frame. I felt so small in his embrace. “Yeah. Happy new year!” I whispered, feeling the tears brimming again.

“This is nice.” Alex’s voice, broke our embrace.

Kevin cleared his throat and gave Alex a silent nod. He hopped in the car and zoomed off. I on the other hand, spun around and stormed up the stairs and into my apartment.

“I thought you were on duty?” I snapped.

Alex stood at the door, leaning against it’s frame, his arms crossed over his chest. An angry look on his face. “I am. So what the hell was that?”

“It was a friendly hug. He is my partner.” I didn’t want to bring up bimbo Katy just yet. He had to give me the first blow and after that…he’d better have a bullet proof vest on under that shirt.

“Bullshit!”

“What’s it to you anyway. You have Katy right?”

Ok, so I couldn’t wait for him to start. I had to get that off my chest.

The color drained from his face, when I shouted the name. “You went to the bar? I thought you…”

“Yeah that I wasn’t going to go. No wonder you kept asking right. God forbid that I’d see you with her. WELL I DID!!”

“It’s not what…”

My head was throbbing and I was in a full fit of tears. It hurt like hell. Why, I wasn’t sure. How could a man cause so much pain.

“That’s why you told me you loved me. So that when you were with her, you’d be assured that it wasn’t wrong. Because I believed that you loved me. God I’m so stupid.”

He shook his head, and took a couple of steps towards me. But I moved back. Who knew where his hands had been. I wasn’t about to let him touch me.

“Babe…you are taking all this…the wrong way.”

“Don’t call me that.” One of my many new years resolutions, was to put all the negative behind me. All that hurt and held me down, I was getting rid of. “You have to leave. I’m done. I won’t let you hurt me anymore Alex. I can’t see you with these women and be ok with it. I can’t hide anymore…and keep this a secret.”

The anger faded from his eyes, and pain took it’s place. He shook his head in resignation and then with one swift movement violently yanked me towards him. He was breathing heavily and if I wasn’t mistaken there were tears in his eyes. He tried to speak, but his jaw tightened instead.

It hurt like hell to know I was causing him pain.

“You are so fucking selfish. You think you’re the only one hurting here. Huh? But I get it…I’m dragging you down right. You deserve better…I’m glad you realized that. Just so you know…Katy was just my date tonight…because there are already rumors flying and I know how…” he pursed his lips “You feel about that. So I thought I would…it doesn’t matter. I’ll leave you alone.”

I was tempted to call him back. We could work it out. Who was I kidding. This was so long overdue. My hand flew to my chest. It hurt so bad, I could feel my heart breaking to pieces inside of me. How would I get over him? If there was even a remote chance, that I could.

I didn’t know at the time. For now, I just wanted to wallow in my own self pity. So I sunk to the floor, letting my sobs take over me.