Nick had been let down and disappointed most of his life. These were emotions he was very familiar with. Every time he grew attached to someone or something, something else happened to make it all fall apart, or they left, like Kevin. He was tired of all of it. He couldn’t handle one more let down by the men, his pothers, who were supposed to have his back. He was tired of being treated like shit. It began with his mother and just panched out from there, management, the media and most of the time his own friends treated him like his thoughts and opinions didn’t matter and he was tired of it. This time he had an opinion. The only problem was that no one cared to listen.
He knew something was up when Pian asked him to meet in Howie’s room for a big announcement. He had kind of shrugged it off and not given it much thought until he arrived at the door to Howie’s room. He had a churning feeling in his stomach and he knew that whatever was said in that room would tear him apart. He took a deep peath and stepped inside still unprepared for what was going to happen.
But then again, how can you ever be prepared to find out that the man that you’ve been in love with for years is marrying someone else. He sat there on one of the hotel beds listening to Howie and Leigh go on and on about their wedding plans. He tried to feign interest, he tried to act supportive, but inside his heart was peaking.
He scolded himself for acting like such a baby. It wasn’t like he never thought this would happen. From the moment Howie had introduced them to Leigh, Nick knew she would be trouble. He just never knew it would hurt so much to have someone taken away from him, especially someone who was never really his to begin with.
He did everything he was supposed to. He congratulated both of them and smiled and gave out hugs. It wasn’t until he was alone that he allowed the first tear to fall. He knew that there was no way he could actually sit through another minute of the happy clambering, so he had politely excused himself and locked himself into his hotel room.
Nick couldn’t understand. He knew he would never be okay with Howie marrying someone else, but what was he supposed to do? It wasn’t like he could storm the hotel room and demand that Howie love him instead, it’s not like anyone would ever understand.
Sometimes it was hard to understand how this had happened, how they had fallen apart. In hindsight it really wasn’t that difficult. Nick had always known that things with Howie may not work out the way he so desperately wanted them to, but he couldn’t help but hoping that the uneasy feeling in his stomach would go away and they could just be happy together.
He curled up on the hotel room bed and allowed the hot tears to roll down his cheeks. He felt completely abandoned and blind sighted. He never saw this announcement coming. He felt his stomach turn and wondered piefly if he would get sick. When the nausea passed he sighed a peath of relief. He didn’t want to add that to the other emotions he was currently feeling.
How could Howie do this?
Nick could not help but question it. Howie had to have known that this would tear him apart. Nick thought back to the smile on his face as they announced their good news, he knew Howie was too happy to care about anyone else’s feelings but his own. It did not matter, Nick still felt like his heart was peaking.
Nick pulled the comforter up over his head and snuggled down underneath it. His tears were soaking his pillow and his cheeks. He just couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything, anything else besides his heart peaking.
~*~
flashbacks
~*~
They had happened by accident. Two years earlier Nick had been confused and alone and couldn’t understand why the only real father figure he had suddenly wanted to do whatever it took to be far away from him. He was shocked and angered by Kevin’s decision to leave the group and felt like it was the beginning of the end. He couldn’t fathom how they were supposed to go on without him there, how he was supposed to go on without Kevin. No one would really take the time to reassure him. They were all dealing with the pain of losing their band mate and they didn’t stop to think that their youngest friend may have been having more trouble than the rest understanding Kevin’s decision.
He had fled from the meeting without so much as a goodbye. He got into his truck and stopped by a liquor store on his way home to stock up on the things he thought he would need to get him through the night. After spending three hundred dollars on an assortment of alcoholic beverages he finally made it home where he could be alone to fall apart.
He was good and gone before he noticed that someone was knocking at the door. The pounding made his head ache. His face was covered in dried tear tracks. He had run out of tears to cry in the past few hours. He tried and failed a couple times to get up off the floor. By the time he had stumbled into the entry way, the pounding on the door had gotten even louder and more persistent.
He flung open the door a little too quickly and held on tightly to the knob to keep his balance. He was a little surprised to see Howie standing on the other side of the doorway. He looked him up and down, noticing his concerned eyes and frail appearance, Nick stepped out of the way so Howie could come into the house.
He didn’t say a word, just followed his trail of bottles back to his space on the living room floor. He didn’t even look behind him to see if Howie would follow him. He knew the older man hadn’t come just to hang out. His thoughts were confirmed as he plopped down on the floor and saw Howie make room on the couch. The fire was roaring in the fireplace and alcohol bottles littered the floor and sitting areas. Howie looked around in amazement before his eyes finally settled on his younger friend.
“What is all of this Nicky?” Howie asked gently, gesturing to the bottles and trash around the room.
Nick shrugged and ignored Howie’s eyes. Howie sat quietly for a moment before moving to the floor beside him. He kept looking at Nick, thinking he would give him some clue as to what was going on. He never imagined Nick would take Kevin’s leaving this badly. He waited patiently for Nick to say something to clue him in on what was going on. When Nick said nothing he reached out and tilted Nick’s chin up so he was looking into his crystal blue eyes.
“What’s going on Nicky? This all can’t be about Kevin. I know it hurts baby, but we knew this was coming, he’d been hinting at it for months. We’ve talked about this. What’s going on?” Howie asked gently.
Nick’s eyes filled with tears once again and before they could stop them they came rushing forward and spilled down his cheeks. Howie wasted no time pulling the younger man into his arms and holding him tightly against him. He kissed the top of Nick’s head and rocked them gently back and forth trying to soothe him the best he could.
They stayed like that for a good while before Nick calmed down enough to talk. He hiccupped a couple times and snuggled further into Howie’s arms, his head resting against the older man’s chest. He listened to Howie’s heartbeat trying to summon the words to explain how he was feeling. He closed his eyes and relished the feeling of having Howie’s arms wrapped around him. This didn’t happen that often, but when it did Nick never forgot it.
Howie held him silently urging him to speak. He hated seeing Nick so torn up and vowed to do everything he could to help the younger man. He could only imagine the amount of alcohol Nick has already ingested and was thankful he had gotten there before the blonde could do any more damage to himself.
“I’m scared D. Everyone is leaving me and I don’t want to be alone. I’m so tired of being all alone.” Nick managed to choke out before he collapsed into sobs once again. The words struck Howie and he instinctively hugged Nick tighter trying to reassure the younger man.
“Shh, Nicky. You don’t have to be afraid. Everything is going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere. Neither are AJ and Pian. Just because Kevin is leaving doesn’t mean that everything is going to fall apart. We’re going to be just fine, you’ll see.” Howie said comfortingly.
His words seemed to ease Nick’s fears, at least a little, and the loud sobs subsided to quieter ones. Still Nick made no move to leave the comfortable empace of the older man’s empace. Nick pulled back a little so he could clearly see Howie’s face.
“You promise you’ll never leave?” Nick asked so softly Howie almost thought he had imagined it.
He nodded and leaned down to kiss Nick on the forehead. “I swear Nicky, I’ll never leave you.” He said honestly.
Nick stared at him trying to figure out if he was telling the truth or not. He stared intensely into Howie’s eyes, but Howie didn’t make any move to look away. He looked back just as intently. Both men felt the air around them shift. Neither one was sure of who made the first move. Their lips met gently at first, both tentative and unsure of what they were doing. They kissed each other softly, both loving the feeling of the other man against him. The softness ended and Howie pushed Nick onto his back before climbing on top of him to continue their kisses.
After that night together the two men were inseparable. Both had been in love with the other for years but both to scared to do anything about their feelings. They were good together, the best together. Being with Howie made Nick a different person, and Howie was a changed man after being with Nick. So everyone was surprised when it ended.
~*~
Nick awoke one morning a couple years later with a hangover like he’d never had before. He had momentarily forgotten about what had happened the previous night that his world had ended. It all came flooding back like a dam peaking and he choked on the tears that came before he could stop them.
They had just finished up the European leg of their tour and had a couple weeks of downtime before they went off again. Nick had been looking forward to some quality time with his boyfriend and couldn’t wait to get home. Now all he wanted was to get as far away from this home as he could. It was almost too much to bear.
They had been home only a few hours before Nick noticed Howie acting strange. At first he shrugged it off. They were both over worked and under slept. He chalked it up to exhaustion and moved on. It wasn’t until Howie darted away from him a few hours later that he wondered if something else wasn’t going on, something he wouldn’t be happy to find out about.
Once he was tired of having it eat at him he cornered Howie in the laundry room. The older man looked shocked as Nick walked in and Nick watched his eyes dance around the room as if he was looking for a way to get out. Nick’s eyepows furrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest.
“What’s going on baby? Don’t tell me nothing’s wrong because you’ve been acting weird all day. Just tell me.” Nick said reaching for Howie’s hand.
Howie moves so Nick couldn’t take it and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now.” Howie said turning back to the washer.
Nick looked at his turned back quizzically and reached for his shoulder. He turned the older man towards him. “What is going on?” He asked again, this time a little more demanding.
Howie sighed and rolled his eyes. “Do we have to do this here? Or can we go in the living room?” He asked.
Nick felt numb. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he knew he wasn’t going to like whatever it was Howie wanted to say. He shrugged and motioned for Howie to lead the way. He followed closely behind trying to settle his nerves. He watched as Howie sat on the love seat and motioned for Nick to sit on the couch across from him. He quietly took his seat and watched fearfully as Howie rung his hands over and over before speaking.
“Nick, this isn’t working out.” Howie said gently wincing as he saw the way Nick’s face fell.
“What the fuck do you mean not working out?” Nick demanded jumping up off the couch. He turned to face Howie, his face a look of rage. He felt like he’d just been punched in the gut and he struggled to keep the tears at bay.
Howie shook his head and closed his eyes. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but he knew it was something he had to do. “I mean I’m not happy Nick, not anymore. I thought this is what I wanted, I thought you were what I wanted, but I was wrong. I want a family Nick. I want a wife and children, all things you can’t give me. I’m really sorry, believe me I am. I wish there was another way, I do love you, and I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never wanted this to happen, you have to believe that. I’ll get my stuff and I’ll be gone in a couple hours. I know you must hate me, but one day I hope you’ll understand and forgive me.” Howie said sadly.
“I will never forgive you. I will never forgive someone who swore they would never leave me. I will never forgive you peaking my heart. I loved you for fucks sake. Fuck Howie. Get out of my house now. Just fucking go. I’ll have someone send your things. I can’t stand to look at you for one more second.” Nick yelled before turning and storming out of the room. He felt his world tumbling down around him. He couldn’t believe it was over, he couldn’t believe that Howie was doing this to him.
He locked himself in the studio downstairs where he could cry all he wanted without someone hearing him. He didn’t peathe easy until he saw Howie’s car backing out of the driveway. He tried to calm his tears but the more he tried the harder they continued to fall. He stayed there for a few hours, curled up in the desk chair. He wondered piefly how many people knew about this. Had Howie talked this over with the other fellas? AJ? Why hadn’t anyone called to check on him? Didn’t anyone care that his world was spinning out of control?
The longer he sat there, the angrier he became. This wasn’t fair. Howie knew what their relationship would entitle when he entered into it. It was selfish to leave now, especially this way. He hated Howie. He sat there only a short while longer before he got up and stomped upstairs. He couldn’t stand being in this house another minute. He quickly changed his clothes and grabbed his car keys. If he was going to face the day then he definitely wasn’t going to do it sober.
~*~
Flashbacks end
~*~
Sometimes Nick felt like all he ever did was cry. It seemed like one shitty thing after another was always happening to make him upset and peak his heart. It got to be a bit redundant after awhile. Was it so bad that he just wanted to be happy? Was it such a crime to want to be loved? Apparently it was because he was sure no one would ever love him the way he had loved Howie. No one understood why his heart had never mended and why now, six months later he could still replay the images of their peak up at a moment’s notice. Maybe that’s why it hurt so badly when Howie announced his upcoming nuptials.
Nick knew in his heart that he would never get over the other man, but at the same time he never imagined that Howie would have moved on so quickly either. It had only been six months, six long, miserable months, but it still felt like it was yesterday. Being around him everyday didn’t help matters. Nick stayed as far away from the other man as humanly possible, he never allowed himself to be left alone with him, and he refused to go on outings that Howie was attending, it was just too painful. He was more content locking himself up in his hotel room and drinking his heartache away.
Now here he was, heartpoken again, and feeling as though his heart would never be whole again. He swallowed hard and shook of the comforter. It got pretty hot under there while he was so upset. He rolled over and picked up their itinerary off the nightstand.
December 20th.They all were leaving in the morning to go home. They had fought long and hard to have Christmas off this year. Management had finally relented and allowed them two weeks off, allowing them to celepate Christmas and New Years for the first time in years. It was supposed to be an enjoyable time, something to look forward to. Now all Nick had to look forward to, was being even more upset and drowning his problems in alcohol.
Merry fucking Christmas. The only good thing that came out of Howie’s announcement is it gave Nick some time to get away and find a way to cope, so that it didn’t completely tear the group apart.
~*~
Lonely houses were almost worse than lonely hotel rooms. Nick wasn’t sure which one hurt more. Since flying to his Florida home he had done nothing but get drunk and cry, and frankly he was sick of it. It was Christmas. It was supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year, not a time for him to be bawling his eyes out and getting smashed every night. The only problem was he had nothing to be happy about. Everything that could go wrong did and he didn’t know what to do to make himself feel any better.
He stumbled downstairs to the basement early the next morning determined to find a way to raise his spirits. He fought through all of the boxes at the foot of the staircase and mentally cursed himself for not being more organized. This could end up being a lot harder than he had originally thought. Late the night before he decided that maybe if he put up a Christmas tree then he would feel a little bit better. He remembered that he had a fake one packed up somewhere in the basement and vowed the next morning to drag it out and put it up.
This vow led him to be encased in boxes and cobwebs at six o’clock the next morning. The basement was chilly and musty. He hated that he never got down there to straighten things out and knew it would be a fight to even find the tree, but it was a fight he was determined to win.
He moved further into the basement, glancing at the words written on the boxes as he went. He had a lot of junk, a lot of junk he needed to get rid of. He sighed. He had more time on his hands nowadays; maybe he would clean the basement out completely before they had to be back on the road.
He pushed and shoved boxes as he went trying to clear a path. For the life of him he couldn’t remember where the tree was. He tripped over a smaller box on the floor and went toppling to the floor. He landed on his side and groaned in pain. Maybe this wasn’t worth it after all. He closed his eyes in pain as he struggled to sit upright. His right side hurt where it had connected with the concrete and he winced in pain as he touched it. From his place on the floor he looked around the messy basement. He took a second glance and thought for sure he saw the end of the Christmas tree box poking out of the corner. He felt his heart soar. Maybe he would be able to get the tree up after all. With newfound hope he fought to get back on his feet. He quickly crossed the room and moved the boxes around to get to the tree. He nearly giggled when he could clearly see the top of the box.
Nick set to work untangling the Christmas boxes and carrying them upstairs. After five different trips up and down the basement stairs he finally had everything he wanted in the living room. He collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion. He hadn’t been this active in a few days and the strain was definitely catching up with him. He laid there for awhile with his eyes closed.
The entire house smelled like Christmas. Before he had gone downstairs Nick had started a fire in the fireplace and lit a bunch of candles. The end result was a warm and smell good living room. He had placed a Christmas cd in the stereo and was finally feeling at home in his house again.
He jarred awake when he heard the doorbell ring. He hadn’t even realized he’d dozed off. He glanced at the clock. The time couldn’t be right. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. The clock still read five o’clock. He had slept all afternoon. He glanced around the living room. The candles had burnt out and the cd had stopped. The room was dark and the moonlight was beginning to stream in through the open windows. The doorbell rang out again and echoed in the living room. Nick got to his feet and followed the sound down the hallway. He flipped on the porch light and unchained the door. He couldn’t fathom for the life of him who would be at the door. Once the door was unlocked he forced himself to open it and felt all the color drain from his face. Standing on his doorstep was Howie.
Nick gripped the doorknob tightly and looked curiously at the uninvited guest. Howie shuffled from one foot to the other and avoided looking at Nick directly. Nick was suddenly well aware at how horrible he looked. His old clothes were covered in dirt and grime from fighting around in the basement. Howie’s striking appearance made him feel very self conscious. He stepped aside so Howie could enter the hallway and quietly closed the door behind him.
“What are you doing here, Howie?” Nick asked turning away from the door and walking past the other man into the living room. He could vaguely hear Howie following him down the hallway, but made no move to turn around. He needed distance from the other man. He couldn’t believe he was here, in his home.
Once they reached the living room Nick turned on the overhead light and a couple of lamps. Howie sat on the couch while Nick perched on the arm on the chair across from him. He couldn’t handle being anywhere near him right now. Nick could feel Howie’s eyes on him and raised his head to look at him. Nick looked at him quizzically, but still Howie didn’t look away.
“Why are you here?” Nick repeated again. “Shouldn’t you be at home with your fiancé?”
Nick couldn’t resist the hateful tone his words took as he spit them out. He noticed Howie wincing at the word fiancé and rolled his eyes. He just wanted him to leave. He could deal so much better when the other man wasn’t in the same room with him.
“Nick,” Howie started. He sighed heavily as his eyes feasted upon the blonde in front of him. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. This was supposed to be the easy part, but Howie knew then that this would turn out to be the hardest thing he’d ever had to do.
“Nicky,” he tried again before his voice poke and he buried his head in his hands. Howie felt the tears come and tried his best to fight them off, but it was no use. Once the tears started to fall there was no holding them back. He sat there sobbing softly into his hands trying desperately to pull himself together. He didn’t want to peak down like this.
Nick watched from his place on the chair unsure of what to do. On one hand he couldn’t stand to see the man he loved crying, but on the other he had no idea what his intentions of being at his house were and he was very interested to find out. He waited patiently for Howie to pull himself together. A few moments later Howie’s sobs quieted to sniffles. He raised his head and wiped his eyes before glancing in Nick’s direction. Nick continued to watch him quietly.
Howie coughed to clear his throat and looked away from Nick’s piercing blue eyes. They seemed to consume him and he couldn’t look into them for too long before coming over come with emotions for the younger man. “I had to come Nicky.” He said gently glancing at the mess all over the living room. He was glad to know that Nick had still planned to decorate.
Nick crossed his arms over his chest. “We haven’t talked in months Howie. Why now, all of a sudden are you here? It doesn’t make any sense. What could you possibly have to say to me?” Nick asked his voice shaking. His own emotions were getting the best of him but he was determined not to let Howie see him cry.
“I love you.” Howie said all at once looking Nick dead in the eyes. Nick shook his head and scoffed.
Howie interrupted him before he could say anything. “I know you don’t believe me, and I know I have one hell of a way of showing it, but it’s true. I know I’m a horrible person and you may never forgive me for the things I’ve done and the hell I’ve put you through, but I had to try. I have to try to make it up to you and make you understand how much I love you.”
“If you loved me so much then why did you leave me, why did you peak my heart, why are you marrying someone else?” Nick choked out trying hard not to get his hopes up by the words Howie was saying.
“I’m not marrying her. I can’t. I thought that was what I wanted, what I’d always wanted, but then we announced it to you guys and I knew there was no way I could actually go through with it. All I want, all I’ve ever wanted has always been right here with you. I was just too stupid to see what I had right in front of me. I know there is no way you’ll ever be able to forgive me, but you have to know just how sorry I am, for everything. I love you so much and I all I could think to do was make sure you knew exactly how I felt.” Howie said looking down at his hands again like they were the most interesting things in the world.
He was so preoccupied he didn’t even notice Nick leaving the chair and taking a seat on the coffee table directly in front of him. He didn’t even realize Nick’s proximity until he felt his feather light touch against his cheek. Howie looked up and gazed deeply into Nick’s blue eyes. He couldn’t help himself and leaned in to the feel of Nick’s palm on his cheek and sighed heavily. It was little things like this he missed most about Nick. Nick scooted closer to the edge of the coffee table until their knees bumped into each other gently. Nick stayed silent, but continued to stare at Howie intensely, mulling over the words he’d spoken in his mind. The silence was defining and Howie held his peath not sure what to say or do. He was scared he would do something to wreck this moment and any chance of reconciling would be out the window. He wanted another chance with Nick more than he’d ever wanted anything else in the world.
“I love you too,” Nick spoke so softly Howie was afraid he hadn’t heard right. He looked at Nick hopefully and relaxed when he saw Nick smile. “I love you so much, but you hurt me so badly that I’m not sure I can do this again. You almost destroyed me before, you leaving me again would kill me and I’m not sure I would ever make it through it again.” Nick said seriously.
Howie nodded and looked away. This was what he had been afraid of. He knew just how badly he had hurt Nick. He was reminded of it every time he closed his eyes and could still see the pained look on Nick’s face as he screamed at him to get out. Howie was well of the damage he had caused, all by his selfish actions. He also knew that he would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try to make Nick understand how much he really meant to him.
Nick dropped the hand that had been holding Howie’s face and looked away. This had been exactly what he had been waiting for since the moment Howie had walked out, but he couldn’t just forget everything that had happened either, he couldn’t erase the damage Howie had done to him either.
Howie could feel the tears coming again and looked away so Nick wouldn’t see them sliding silently down his cheeks, He could feel his own heart peaking and wondered piefly if he would take Nick back had the tables been turned. He didn’t blame Nick one bit for the way he was reacting, but it also didn’t make it hurt any less either.
“I just don’t know what to do D.” Nick said softly, his own tears cascading gently down his flushed cheeks. “It hurts so badly every day without you, but I don’t know if I will be able to relax and believe that you won’t leave me again either. I missed you so much.” Nick managed to get out before the tears came faster.
Howie reached out and pulled Nick into his arms. They fell gently back against the couch cushions, arms wrapped tightly around each other. They cried together, finally allowing the emotions they were both feeling out. Once Nick calmed a bit he pulled away and looked up at the older man.”I love you,” he whispered before he leaned up and placed his lips gently against Howie’s.
Howie sat unmoving for a moment, startled by the feeling of the younger blonde moving against him. He fell into the kiss trying his best to show Nick exactly how he felt for him. After a few minutes of their heated empace they pulled apart. Nick rested his head on Howie’s chest and curled up against him. Howie held him tightly. He would enjoy every moment that Nick allowed them to have.
“I’m scared Howie.” Nick said softly. “I’m scared of what us being in a relationship again could do to me.” He said lacing their fingers together as he took one of Howie’s hands in his own. “But I’m too scared to let you get away. I don’t think I can live without you anymore, especially knowing that you want me too.”
“What are you saying Nicky?” Howie asked gently. “Are you saying you want to try again?”
Howie held his peath. He knew his entire life stemmed on whatever answer Nick would give him. He felt his heart rate quicken and he was sure he would die before Nick spoke again.
“Yes, I think I do.” He said turning in Howie’s arms so he could see the older man’s face. “I just love you so much and I don’t want to spend one more day without you.” He said smiling up at the other man.
Howie smiled too before he leaned down and kissed Nick again. “I love you too, so much baby. I promise you that I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you and that I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere, baby. You’re stuck with me now.”
The two men smiled at each other and then snuggled back down on the couch. Finally things were how they should be. Nick felt better than he had in a long time. He couldn’t believe the turn of events, he couldn’t believe that Howie was actually his again. Howie held him tighter, thankful that they had been given a second chance. Life was funny that way. He never expected Nick to forgive him so easily, he was so very thankful to have him back. He vowed he would never do anything to make Nick second guess his decision to take him back.
The two lovers snuggled down on the couch enjoying their time together. Both men were completely unaware of the snow beginning to fall outside. The Christmas season had pought them something unexpected and both were determined to make sure that nothing ever came between them again.
Story Notes:
Written For: Mette, as part of the Make The Yuletide Gay popslash secret santa
